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Legomom

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    Estranged adult children

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    This quote from the article I referred to above gets to the point I wanted to highlight. The key is that it acknowledges there are « less grave scenarios » that are causing estrangements:  « There are good and bad features of modern family life, in which relations are often based more on ties of affection than on duty or obedience. In these times, the people we choose to be close to represent not only a preference, but a profound statement of our identities. We are freed to surround ourselves with those who reflect our deepest values—parents included. We feel empowered to call on loved ones to be more sensitive to our needs, our emotions, and our aspirations. This freedom enables us to become untethered and protected from hurtful or abusive family members.

    Yet in less grave scenarios our American love affair with the needs and rights of the individual conceals how much sorrow we create for those we leave behind. We may see cutting off family members as courageous rather than avoidant or selfish. We can convince ourselves that it’s better to go it alone than to do the work it takes to resolve conflict. Some problems may be irresolvable, but there are also relationships that don’t need to be lost forever. »

     

    • Like 5

    Estranged adult children

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    Very interesting topic. I have been on these boards for over 10 years and I have been surprised at how many people « cut off » their parents. In addition, I have noticed there seems to be an even greater trend for cutting off in-laws and I have wondered how this would play out as the children of the group become adults and then continue this practice. This article in the Atlantic answered some of my questions. It appears that it is in part due to a major cultural shift regarding the role of families and the view of duty  to a family.  In a nutshell the newer generations place a higher value on personal fulfillment than familial loyalty. I am definitely from the older generation here so I had not experienced this growing up. The article gives insights into this trend. Well worth the read.

    https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/617612/

    • Like 5

    French summer school

    in Bilingual Education Board

    Posted

    So I was told Canadian kids take some French proficiency exams around that age and there are prep schools for this. I haven’t looked hard or found any.

    But you know, Sorbonne has a “summer universityâ€. Come to Paris with me! :)

     

    Is this the Sorbonne one?  https://www.centerforstudyabroad.com/university-paris-sorbonne/

     

    Or is it directly with the University?  Ds17 is looking for a french immersion program in Quebec or France.

     

    Also, to the op, my son found some reviews/comments on trip advisor.  One of the host families said that they have seen the best results with Quebec-Monde and Bouchereau Lingua International.  That comment was from 2012, so I do not know if that still holds true.

     

    Caring for elderly parents - major life changes?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted · Edited by Legomom

    1.  Meet with the lawyer and get the paperwork in place.

     

    2.  Do some research on assisted living options in their area.  Some will take Medicaid IF the residents have been in place on a paid plan for 5 years.  Very few take Medicaid straight out of the box.  

     

    3.  Find out what their insurance will cover for in-home care.  And all the other things like Neighborhood Helpers and so on.  Learn about options.

     

    4.  Be very honest with yourself and with them about what you can and cannot do for them.  My dh is retired, but his mom lives "independently" in a low-income apartment.  She is "independent" because she can cook for herself and do personal care.  But DH takes her to at least 1 and often 2 doctor appointments a week, picks up all her medicine, comes over 2x a week and washes her dishes, does all her grocery shopping, and so on.  She has a housekeeper come in 2x a month.  He does all the grant applications for her co-pay assistance for meds she needs but can't afford.  It is a half-time job, and he is not complaining nor am I.  But it IS a half-time job.  He couldn't do it if he were still working.  Or if she lived 15 miles away.  And even so, when she got some infection in her private areas, he drew the line.  "I'm not doing that with my mom.  She's my MOM."  So that had to be paid for.  He had to be really honest about this with her and with the medical people (who will push everything they can onto the family...and I'm no help.  I just don't do medical stuff.  It seriously makes me throw up to do more than change a bandaid.  So I'm no good as a backup on that stuff.  

     

    So there's "independent" and there's "independent."  My MIL is not in assisted living because my DH has a half-time job taking care of her.  But she is "assisted."  If you can't do these things, things that must be done, you have to have a plan for how they will get done.  And no one is better off for fooling themselves about the part they can play.  

     

    6.  Acknowledge at least to yourselves that it probably not going to get any better than it is right now.  My grandfather was still talking on his deathbed (as in he died the next morning) about all the things he was going to do when he got home.  That attitude made it very hard for him to get a grip on the things that needed to happen a lot sooner than they did, and possibly shortened his life.  I know, I know...stubbornness maybe made him live longer too.  IDK.  But the mess left behind for everyone else...I also saw THAT.  KWIM?

     

    Good luck to you.  This isn't all that much fun, and it is really hard because it is a role reversal and everyone has to learn to play a new part.  My mom and my MIL have been fantastic at doing this adjustment and it has made a world of difference. 

     

    I have found the above bolded to be very important regarding my mother's situation right now.  Due to her situation, she may need to move to assisted living.  In our area, most assisted living places are requiring a private pay commitment of 1  - 2 years of an average $4,500 per month if it is anticipated that the person will need Medicaid..  If the person does not have the assets, the facility looks to the family to pay or they won't take the person into their facility.  Medicaid beds/rooms are limited in number in most places and many places do not even take it so often there are no openings or a waiting list.  If no one can pay it is then up to the family to care for the individiual on their own, which may or may not be feasible.

     

    Rationing funds becomes very important. For example, my mother could spend her money on helpers coming into her apartment to allow her to live in her home without going into assisted living but if she were to spend it down below the 1-2 years of private pay required to get into assisted living, she would be stuck if she then needed to go into assisted living.  So I can see that some elderly people could end up going into assisted living sooner than necessary, just so that they can meet the payment requirements to be admitted.

     

    We are right in the middle of all of this now and are learning as we go. 

     

     

    • Like 2

    When should boys stop playing with lego? Explanation added.

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    My teenage son loves Lego. I consider him to be a serious builder and it a big interest for him, but he has other interests as well. He is my go to guy for fixing things and understanding new equipment etc. It has been interesting over the years when he has visited various friends' homes to hear that his friends' fathers have been the ones with the most interesting Lego sets displayed in their home office etc, compared to the kids' sets!!

    Did you put your littles in school for a year?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    I sent my boys to preschool for a year and it was great. They had a wonderful time and learned a lot. The only downside was driving them back and forth. They didn't stay in contact with any of the kids from preschool -- I've always wondered if they had continued on at the relatively small public school if they would have maintained those friendships. It was a well regarded private preschool and the teacher happened to have an opening due to a student moving.

    Compression stockings for varicose veins-can anyone offer tips? Just beginning to see veins starting :(

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    Hi Happy,

     

    Compression hose can definitely help with progression (but of course everyone's experience is different). In my case, I started getting vein problems around 12 weeks pregnant with my third child but didn't get the hose for a few months (!!!) because my insurance was covering them and the lady who was supposed to measure me kept flaking out. The veins were very painful all throughout pregnancy and I had to wear hose for the next three years or so (when I got pregnant again). That next pregnancy I wore the hose religiously and then found that my veins basically were pain-free as soon as I gave birth. I do credit that with my careful use of hose.

     

    As much as varicose veins are a cosmetic problem, they also are due to (and cause) circulation problems. So preventing progression is a very good long term health step to take.

     

    I order hose from DiscountSurgical and I personally buy open-toed thigh high hose in the 30-40 mmHg range. I also buy body glue which I use to keep them up. My main vein problems are over my knee so socks or knee highs don't do anything for me. I used to wear waist high, but once I learned about body glue I found thigh high to be much more comfortable.

     

    My friend owns every color, and since she wears skirts a lot, it just looks like she enjoys wearing tights. She actually had surgery done but was told that her problem is circulation and that she needs to wear the stockings for the rest of her life. As much as I get frustrated with the frumpiness of the stockings, I am thankful they exist! Before I wore the stockings, I literally couldn't walk a quarter mile without pins and needles and I would spend all afternoon lying down on the couch due to pain. Now I am pain free, but I still have protruding veins. But all women related to me on both sides do, too.

     

    Final word: my aunt has been the one to stress to me most strongly the importance of compression hose because she had a wound on her ankle that wouldn't heal due to the bad circulation. She had to do long treatment at a wound center. So get hose and wear them, especially if you'll be standing a lot!

     

    Emily

    Thanks for the link and the info on the colored compression tights. I haven't seen those and they look terrific. I have just had the "nude" color, so not flattering! I end up wearing them under tights.

    My mother and cell phones

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    My mom is in her eighties, very sharp mentally and uses her computer and can now text me. However, for several years she believed that when I called her landline using my cell phone, it would ruin her phone. So I was only allowed to call landline-to-landline or cell phone to cell phone! To be fair, she did have trouble with her landline phones malfunctioning (they were cheap, used etc) but it cracks me up that she felt that it was quite dicey for me to call her with the wrong phone!

    • Like 3

    "Bird of the Year," a New Year's Day game

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    This is such a fun thread! We are getting a lot of snow here today, so I went outside to check on my husband and son while they were shoveling snow and we saw some turkeys sitting in the neighbor's tree across the street, so it is the year of the turkey for us!

     

    The turkeys look so funny sitting in the trees! My husband keeps reminding me that they were recommended by Benjamin Franklin to be the national bird. My goal this year is to see my first snowy owl.

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