Would you allow this?

[Brilliant]

My almost-15yo dd has a friend who's turning 16. For her birthday, her parents are taking a group of friends, ages 15-16, out to dinner, then sending the group out for 2-3 hours in a limo. They will have the limo take them out to a couple of different places, watching fireworks, etc. The group includes boys. They are all nice kids - from our church and/or homeschool group.

 

We just found out the part about the parents not being around for the limo ride. DH is disinclined to let dd attend because of that. I wouldn't normally be comfortable with an unchaperoned activity like this, except that I think the following circumstances are a plus:

there's a planned itinerary,

we could have contact by cell phone,

we know most of the kids & families,

and there's no known romantic interest on anybody's part.

 

It just doesn't seem very risky to me (and I am quite risk-averse).

 

My dd is very close to the b'day girl. I can't imagine not letting her attend. I think dh doesn't want to get in the habit of having a lot of unchaperoned activities...but I think dd would understand that we would only allow them on a case-by-case basis.

 

Dh and I need to talk about this tonight. So I'm just wondering what the hive would do.

[Amy in Orlando]

I'd let her go.

[Chris in VA]

Given what you've said, I'd let her go, too.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

My almost-15yo dd has a friend who's turning 16. For her birthday, her parents are taking a group of friends, ages 15-16, out to dinner, then sending the group out for 2-3 hours in a limo. They will have the limo take them out to a couple of different places, watching fireworks, etc. The group includes boys. They are all nice kids - from our church and/or homeschool group.

 

We just found out the part about the parents not being around for the limo ride. DH is disinclined to let dd attend because of that. I wouldn't normally be comfortable with an unchaperoned activity like this, except that I think the following circumstances are a plus:

there's a planned itinerary,

we could have contact by cell phone,

we know most of the kids & families,

and there's no known romantic interest on anybody's part.

 

It just doesn't seem very risky to me (and I am quite risk-averse).

 

My dd is very close to the b'day girl. I can't imagine not letting her attend. I think dh doesn't want to get in the habit of having a lot of unchaperoned activities...but I think dd would understand that we would only allow them on a case-by-case basis.

 

Dh and I need to talk about this tonight. So I'm just wondering what the hive would do.

 

I absolutely would. Mostly because they are a group of platonic friends.

 

I had such a group my senior year of high school, good kids, good group. We had the best, best, most innocent times. No pairing off, and there had to have been thirty some kids in that group. Actually, I take that back -- there were couples, but the couples didn't go on the activities as a date. They went to have fun with the group.

 

There was never drinking, drugs, or criminal intent *grin*, and there was precious little bad language. Just a bunch of upstanding public school kids on the loose.

 

You really have to know your group, of course. But if I trusted the individuals, I would definitely trust the group for 2-3 hours.

[GothicGyrl]

Would you believe it if *I* said "No I wouldn't" and Dh would be the one who said "let her go"?

 

I would probably end up letting her go, given the cirucumstances. But honestly, I would say "no" first (and I have, just recently in fact).

[Liz CA]

My almost-15yo dd has a friend who's turning 16. For her birthday, her parents are taking a group of friends, ages 15-16, out to dinner, then sending the group out for 2-3 hours in a limo. They will have the limo take them out to a couple of different places, watching fireworks, etc. The group includes boys. They are all nice kids - from our church and/or homeschool group.

 

We just found out the part about the parents not being around for the limo ride. DH is disinclined to let dd attend because of that. I wouldn't normally be comfortable with an unchaperoned activity like this, except that I think the following circumstances are a plus:

there's a planned itinerary,

we could have contact by cell phone,

we know most of the kids & families,

and there's no known romantic interest on anybody's part.

 

It just doesn't seem very risky to me (and I am quite risk-averse).

 

My dd is very close to the b'day girl. I can't imagine not letting her attend. I think dh doesn't want to get in the habit of having a lot of unchaperoned activities...but I think dd would understand that we would only allow them on a case-by-case basis.

 

Dh and I need to talk about this tonight. So I'm just wondering what the hive would do.

 

be an adult driving and you mentioned preplanned itinerary, it does not sound too risky. Whoever is renting the limo (parents of birthday girl?) should probably talk to the driver and make sure everyone knows what the rules are. I have no clue how involved drivers of limos get at the behest of parents but it may be worth a try. In case of *rebellious* behavior, the least the driver can do is call the parents or take the crowd home immediately.

 

All this just to say: Yes, I'd let her go.

[Whisperlily]

My first instinct was to say no. But I read further and saw that:

 

DD has earned your trust.

 

These friends have earned your trust in them.

 

There aren't any full-fledged relationships in which the boundaries will be tested.

 

The limo driver has specific destinations, and will be present (even if not in the form of a formal chaperone.)

 

I had a group of friends from church that I spent time with in high school. We were all good kids, and something like this would have been a blast.

 

You know your daughter, and whether she can handle a situation like this. :) With the right group of good kids, this sounds like a FUN birthday.

[j.griff]

I'd let her go.

[Kelli in TN]

What fun! I would absolutely let mine go!

[Lux Et Veritas Academy]

I'd let her go- It sounds fine!

[kdeno]

but only because I was so wild and I vividly remember my escapades (which my parents were clueless of).

 

K:o

[Ria]

Of course I'd let her go. I can't fathom why not. Sounds like a blast.

 

Ria

[Remudamom]

You're asking if a 14 yr old should be unchaperoned in a limo with a group of kids including older boys?

 

Mine wouldn't be going.

[sdWTMer]

It raises my flags too, but I'd probably let my son go, since it is a group activity and there is an itinerary and all.

[Brilliant]

but only because I was so wild and I vividly remember my escapades (which my parents were clueless of).

 

K:o

 

Yes, that's exactly why we would think of *not* letting her go. But I think my parents had (or should have had) clues about the kids I was hanging out with. I didn't get in trouble when I was with the *nice* kids - only with the kids who'd already proven to be trouble. We don't have any warning signs from any of these kids. (which could mean we are clueless, but I hope means they are great kids!)

[Stirsmommy]

I would say yes. I think given the facts presented it would be a fun and safe activity. And yes I do have a wild youth but like stated when I was not well behaved it was with could who had less than stellar parent appeal! And it was definitely done on the QT not with my parents having an itinerary in hand.

[Brilliant]

... Any decision needs to be very firmly grounded in your family's values/faith, goals for what the teen years should look like for your daughter, etc.

 

I would try to not think yet about the significance of the party or how close she is to the b-day girl. I think first you and your dh should explore it in principle... and then see how you want to apply the principle (keeping in mind your longer-term goals) to this specific instance.

 

Eliana

 

Thanks for this advice. You're right; dh and I need to discuss that further. In "principle" we don't allow her to date, nor do we allow unchaperoned activities. But in practice, occasionally there's a brief unchaperoned activity. For example, a couple of months ago we dropped her off with her pre-teen brother and 3 other teens/pre-teens for a 90-minute ice-skating session. Because the location was safe, and we absolutely trusted our kids and the other kids - we didn't think twice about it.

[Harriet Vane]

It's just a car ride, in a group, with phone availability. It doesn't seem all that different from many other social situations.

[Carol in Cal.]

There should be an adult along.

 

Limo drivers do not chaperone. They are often hired to allow people to do things that they normally can't do in vehicles, like drink. Or worse. It's not a matter of trusting or not trusting these kids. It's that they are enclosed and completely unchaperoned.

 

This will set a precedent that you will probably have a very difficult time with later.

 

I am surprised that the parents are not going along. I'll bet that if you talked with them about being uncomfortable, you would find out that you're not the only one.

[Barb_]

Would you believe it if *I* said "No I wouldn't" and Dh would be the one who said "let her go"?

 

I would probably end up letting her go, given the cirucumstances. But honestly, I would say "no" first (and I have, just recently in fact).

 

Actually, that does surprise me. You are a never ending source of surprise, Toni :D

 

Barb

[Tracey in TX]

I would definitely let her go! A DD who proves herself trustworthy deserves to have some fun. Maybe a parent can also attend...or a different set of parents at each location :) Sort of a chaperone-date evening.

Hope she has fun and enjoys BFF's birthday party.

[Doran]

Your comment about maybe not letting her go because you remember what you did as a kid -- that troubles me. She's not living your life, and it's not fair to "punish" her (though I know you aren't meaning to, it may feel that way given how close you say she is to the birthday girl) based on that fear or that supposition.

 

It sounds fun, and harmless. :)

 

Doran

[Peek a Boo]

I wouldn't, for most of the reasons stated already by those I agree with. Knowing what i did as a kid doesn't mean I'm punishing my dc for my life, but that i know that venues that seem "safe" w/ "great trustworthy kids" seldom are. Being trustworthy doesn't mean you avoid all bad scenarios. Being trustworthy doesn't mean you are ready to make ALL decisions from an experienced frame of reference --that's why adults are in the picture. I was one of those "great, trustworthy kids" --you never would have suspected the wild side of me, lol. Parents loved me.

 

If these kids are great and trustworthy, then i'd see no problem w/ a great trustworthy adult along for the ride. :D If the kids balk at that, I'd DEFINITELY not allow it.

[WTMindy]

it sounds like fun.

[angela in ohio]

Not in a million years.

[Doran]

...--you never would have suspected the wild side of me, lol.

 

 

Nope, never would've suspected the wild side of you, Peek. Not a chance. ;) :D

 

 

 

Doran

[Holly IN]

Nope no nada! Sorry nope! I remember when I was 15. Whew! No! :D

 

Holly

[Mrs Mungo]

I would allow it. I went out with groups of kids at 14 or 15 and I think I'd rather them go out with an adult driver than a teen driver.

[GothicGyrl]

Actually, that does surprise me. You are a never ending source of surprise, Toni :D

 

Barb

I may be a wild, flaming liberally aggressive brat--but I've got standards for my kids ;)

 

And Peek DOES have a wild streak and a mouth--I know this for fact. ;)

 

Seriously though--I wouldn't let her not go for the reasons stated (my kid so does not have a wild streak like her mom), I'd just be worried to death (and not in a good way) about this. In fact, her boyfriend's mom asked if she could come along and help her (and the boyfriend and the neighbors son--who I homeschool) throw papers and my immediate response was "he-double hockey sticks no".

 

But once I talked with the mom in depth and found that she was almost exactly like me when it came to dating, I am less worried about it. She has my or dad's cell phone with her and one of us is always home.

 

So in the end I might relent and let her. But "no" would be my gut answer.

[Peek a Boo]

Nope, never would've suspected the wild side of you, Peek. Not a chance. ;) :D

Doran

 

 

actually, the me NOW and the me in high school are HUGEly different :-)

I was quite literally a very quiet, subdued, wallflower in most situations.

 

However, there was this one time, at band camp......

 

I'm making up for lost time :D

[Julie in CA]

My answer would be no.

No.

No.

-but I would double check first to try and make an arrangement regarding a responsible adult parent riding along in the front seat. My perception of limo rides is that they are often about being a time for "cutting loose", and limo drivers looking the other way.

I don't think young teens need time to cut loose without a parent around. Actually, I'm kind of surprised limo companies are willing to do this with minor children unattended.

If I could finagle a way to have a responsible parent ride along in the front seat, then yes. Otherwise, no.

~J~

[Brilliant]

Dh and I talked about this tonight and he was unwilling to bend the "no chaperone" rule to let an unknown limo driver take his daughter around town. One of the deciding factors was that we discussed who was going and realized we don't know any of the boys that well - just the fact that they are in our (large) hs group or (even larger) church didn't give them enough credentials with dh.

 

Thanks for the responses; it has given me some things to think about going forward. I felt ambivalent about this and was surprised that everybody seemed to have a very confident "Sure, I'd let my kids go" or "No way, never" without ambivalence!

[Cherrie]

I learned the hard way that limo drivers are not chaperones and some just don't care what your kids are doing. I found out when my ds grad party went bad, he started drinking in the early afternoon in the limo and stored the extra bozz in it while the party was going on. He was so drunk he was scared. While it wasn't the limo driver he was begging for help but a parent chaperone refussing to call 911 he called his sister begging her to take him to the hospital I have never been so scared he is asthmadic and was having trouble breathing. I contacted the school later the school assured me this won't happen again. He also told me that he would never suggest a parent use a limo service they often sell the bozz to students. I have to say I was disappionted in serval parents that night. For the safety of all the kids one adult should attend unless you know the driver well. You don't know his driving record or how good of an employee he or she is or for how long. I just don't let strangers drive my kids other than that one time.

[Joyce in ON]

If I were you, I'd talk to my dh about why he is saying no. Then see if you can come to a compromise that you can both live with.

 

For me, I'd say yes. I would probably talk with my dd first, to let her know my expectations, tell her I'm trusting her, etc, etc.... just so she's aware.

[gardenschooler]

Yes. Not only for the reasons you listed, but also the fact that they'll be in a large group, out in public. Not much chance for anything going on that would require privacy, iykwim.

 

A mixed group unsupervised inside someone's house...no.

[gardenschooler]

I also have to say that just in starting to read the other responses to the thread, I am pretty surprised. I never thought of myself as lenient, but your answers have me wondering.

 

How is the limo driver supposed to be 'watching' the kids? Isn't he just supposed to be driving them, not baby-sitting them? These aren't small children - why would they need 'watching'?

 

And do most 15-16 year olds need someone 'watching' them? Are they not old enough to go out and about in public without a parent?

 

Many of you referenced your wild days. I had plenty of those, too, but I didn't need a limo for it. This seems rather 'structured', not lending itself to much mischief and mayhem.

 

My main concern would be the opportunity to be alone with one of the opposite sex - but that wouldn't be happening here, at all. It's a large group.

 

Off to finish reading to see what I'm missing. Or maybe I *am* a lenient mom!

[GreenKitty]

Probably not.

[Peek a Boo]

How is the limo driver supposed to be 'watching' the kids? Isn't he just supposed to be driving them, not baby-sitting them? These aren't small children - why would they need 'watching'?

 

The limo driver CAN't be watching them --that's kinda my point :-)

 

And do most 15-16 year olds need someone 'watching' them? Are they not old enough to go out and about in public without a parent?

 

Kids don't need "watching" --they need accountability. As you said --these aren't small children --they are teens that still require adult guidance for a Very Good Reason. A limo isn't as public as it might appear. back to the story above about a kid storing booze in the limo. And that's just ONE story. There's nothing wrong or constricting about proper guidance. there's a LOT wrong if kids insist on not having a chaperone. I'd ask the kids, tell them the dilemma, and see if they want to take an adult along so the fun can still happen.

 

 

This seems rather 'structured', not lending itself to much mischief and mayhem.

 

It might seem structured, but unless there's an adult going along to make sure it IS structured, there's nothing keeping them from changing their plans. Who was it that said they had a button that said "My parents think I'm at the movies." What role will the limo driver be playing?

 

 

My main concern would be the opportunity to be alone with one of the opposite sex - but that wouldn't be happening here, at all. It's a large group.

 

It's not that large a group--when you're a teen bound on a certain thing, the fact that you're "in a group" is little deterrent. I would tell you the things *I* did "in a group" but your head would probably explode, lol.

 

again, I don't see why a parent CAN't go along in the front seat. Or back seat if there's dark glass. Good kids won't mind an adult presence so they can have some fun. If this is dd's close friend, i imagine she'd be willing to have an adult along so your dd can go.

 

As OP mentioned --they DON't know these kids as well as one thinks they might. There are very few people we all really know WELL. these kids will have the rest of their lives to ride w/ a group unchaperoned in a limo. But i won't do it unchaperoned on my watch :)

[Laura K (NC)]

nt

[gardenschooler]

My main concern would be the opportunity to be alone with one of the opposite sex - but that wouldn't be happening here, at all. It's a large group.

 

It's not that large a group--when you're a teen bound on a certain thing, the fact that you're "in a group" is little deterrent. I would tell you the things *I* did "in a group" but your head would probably explode, lol.

 

 

My head just exploded.

[Tracey in TX]

Dh and I talked about this tonight and he was unwilling to bend the "no chaperone" rule to let an unknown limo driver take his daughter around town. One of the deciding factors was that we discussed who was going and realized we don't know any of the boys that well - just the fact that they are in our (large) hs group or (even larger) church didn't give them enough credentials with dh.

 

Thanks for the responses; it has given me some things to think about going forward. I felt ambivalent about this and was surprised that everybody seemed to have a very confident "Sure, I'd let my kids go" or "No way, never" without ambivalence!

 

Sorry to hear that DDs plans have fallen through. Is she understanding of your perspective? Even though it wasn't the final result you had hoped for, it's a great thing to delve deeper to find out what your real feelings are, and to work side by side w/ DH for a final result.

[Kate CA]

Dh and I talked about this tonight and he was unwilling to bend the "no chaperone" rule to let an unknown limo driver take his daughter around town. One of the deciding factors was that we discussed who was going and realized we don't know any of the boys that well - just the fact that they are in our (large) hs group or (even larger) church didn't give them enough credentials with dh.

 

 

I think this is the serious point for those of us who view it as a no answer. It is not my daughter that I mistrust, it is the other young adults that I do not know. We would not consider allowing this kind of situation because of that. Our circle of family friends all feel the same way - that adults have every reason to be with the children. There is no reason not to be. We have very lovely family times with our friends and our children have wonderful friendships in that same environment. They don't have to be alone in a limo to enjoy themselves.

 

Warmly,

Kate