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SandraDumas
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I'm not sure how to say this.

I'm glad you actually listed behaviours because, well, he seems "normal" to me.

He sounds like he is testing some limits, but that's actually to be expected. If kids don't test boundaries, they don't know where they are--it sounds weird to us as adults, but kids aren't on the same page as we are. I do not mean to sound condescending, and I certainly don't mean to sound harsh. I have no doubt it is wearing on you, and you have my full sympathy. But, really, it does sound like your expectations are a little high.

 

For example, I think he was pretty clever, coming up with the tree line. He is showing empathy, and trying to get the other kid to do the right thing. Isn't that what you want? I don't understand why you find that so irritating.

Yes, certainly working on boundaries is appropriate, but never having a break just to be yourself must be hard on him. It would be discouraging to me, to be constantly corrected, seen as "dumb, obnoxious and stupid" (or at least, as constantly doing things that are catagorized this way), and not even allowed to be spontaneous (dancing).

 

Perhaps you could look at your own reactions to him. I say this gently, but it won't come out that way, and I apologize for not being eloquent enough to say what I mean and still protect your feelings. When my kid is bugging the hell out of me, especially when he's embarrassing me, I have to look at why I'm feeling that. Something is being triggered in me. An insecurity, perhaps. I remember being extremely sensitive when my husband said anything that could remotely be seen as "tooting his own horn". I traced it back to always being told by my mom and dad that bragging was an absolute no-no. Maybe something similar is happening to you.

 

Honestly what I would try is first to pick your battles. Let everything slide except hitting his sister, for example. Just stop correcting him. Try keeping him busy and quietly separating his sister from him for a while each time something happens. Ignore his behaviour and focus on hers. When he does well, praise him. Even a little praise goes a long way, longer than correction, for some kids. More carrot, less stick, lots of ignoring, some disengaging.

 

I hope this helps.

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but I didn't address him. I only addressed him when he was making his sister cry and hitting his friend in the face with a tree branch.

 

That's my question-- do you guys just stand by and watch your kids act mean, annoying or difficult to others...or do you step in right in the moment?

 

And, how can I train my son to think a little more about acceptable behavior, and boundaries, and think for himself, so that in the long run he doesn't need to be addressed for specific behaviors.

 

Whehter or not my son is normal, "normal" is not my goal. My goal is for him to be kind, and to adjust socially.

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I will always step in when another child may get hurt. That is good parenting. My second child started lashing a kid with a belt who hurt his big brother. Believe me, I so understand where you are coming from.

We have some similar problems. We started with "the keys to Good manners". Just the basics: Please, Thank you, your welcome, I'm sorry, I forgive you, and excuse me. These are not optional to use. We review them from the chart I made everyday. We have talked about how any time you aren't alone is a social situation. It is a good idea to pick a few social situations to practice with him, as well. Sometimes roll playing a situation before or after it has happened helps. Another thing we have tried is called "rewind". They make a mistake, they rewind and practice doing it the correct way. This process of social skill training takes a LONG time to see fruits but hang in there. He will get it.

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When I worked in K5 as a teacher's aide, the teacher used to say to the students often that she was trying to help them "transition from teacher control to self-control." So while I'm not the mother of any boys (yet, hehe!), I think you have an age thing going on and have correctly identified the skill you're looking for. I'm just saying it might take some patience and time to get there, sorry. And just as a suggestion, again as someone without boys, you might try tomato-staking and doing some empathetic things with him like petting kittens, caring for babies in a nursery, putting words to kind behavior and praising it as he exhibits it. He's all boy, but it might provide some balance. Someone else here mentioned reading poetry to her boy and that over time (years), it gave him words for his softer side.

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Chris, I edited my post before I thought anyone responded. I edited out because I felt that the particulars were completely sidetracking my question, and because I was very frustrated when I posted it and felt I sinned against my God and my son.

 

I don't think it matters what the particulars are...I really just am wondering how parents train their less social kids to think for themselves. The book suggestion, and suggestions to practice are very good.

 

Is this correct: You guys only step in when dc are hitting or injuring another child? Other than that you either let it go all together or address it later?

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I love your suggestion. That is what I believe and what I would recommend to someone else. But my church is very very small and the women are very very busy.

 

There is also the issue that the prevalent notion in parenting even among my conservative Christian homeschool friends seems to be to send them outside to play...as much as possible. Do school, do chores, do devotions, then send them out to play. They would never actually watch their dc play to find out how they played. I guess if I really asked and begged I might get half an hour of them sitting outside watching my son interact with their kids. But how much can you notice in half an hour? Especially when all the kids are far, far older and are more like babysitters than friends.

 

Chris is right, though the word normal is not really what I'm shooting for, my son is not completely off the charts. But he's not like other boys either. I watch other boys, and they do not just keep hitting someone in the face with a tree branch, and the other person is asking them to stop 3 times, and my son will keep going...he thinks it's funny...he actually thinks he's doing something cool. :oP

 

I'm really excited about the book suggestion. I think that'll help. And I will remember to not address him on things that aren't important.

 

I will pray that the Lord would allow me to reach out to one of the older moms at church...maybe one of them would be helpful. THey're all busy homeschooling six kids...who has time, ya know?

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I really just am wondering how parents train their less social kids to think for themselves. The book suggestion, and suggestions to practice are very good.

 

Is this correct: You guys only step in when dc are hitting or injuring another child? Other than that you either let it go all together or address it later?

 

No, I pull my kids whenever I possibly can. Sometimes, when I'm alone with all four of them, that's all I do, just correct one behavior after another, juggling kids. When I've removed them, I talk to them until they feel it. Often this means asking them to close their eyes and leading them through an imaginary scenario that would get them feeling the same way, sometimes reminding them of an occasion where they did feel that way. I've learned never to say, "How would that make you feel?" because it's inviting them to lie to get out of trouble, so I instead I tell by the looks on their faces when they've gone from faking sorry to being stricken with guilt. It also doesn't work if I don't get some privacy to do this, because they'll put on a tough front before their friends (and especially before their siblings).

 

Does it work? I guess we'll find out in ten years when the oldest is grown. I know that their behaviors have been changing. My five-year-old stopped hitting; my seven-year-old stopped telling people he was smarter than them. They do other upsetting things now, which we work on, but isn't that the nature of children? Make mistakes, get messy, experiment, learn, change.

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Sandra,

I have quirky kids. I have several quirky kids. I know how hard that is to deal with.

 

I think dragons in the flower bed really hit the nail on the head when she painted the scenario of correcting one and then the other and so on and so forth. At different ages and stages, that has been my reality. It is draining.

 

But it will pay off, you will get him to a point that his social skills are better.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to encourage you, that's all.

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