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I searched first, but didn't find what I was looking for. My dd6 struggles with lying. Nothing serious (but lying is serious no matter the situation), but for example, today she had her vitamins and threw some of them away. I asked her if she threw some away and she said no. I asked her again and she still said no. We had to leave for an appt., so I told her I was going to empty the trash cans when I got home. We get home later and she ran in to empty the trash cans. I knew she was lying about throwing them away, so I talked to her again and gave her one last chance to be honest. She was. Of course this breaks my heart because I gave her many chances and she deliberately kept lying. I'm glad she was finally honest, but it was because she was going to get caught. I'm at a loss for appropriate consequences for lying that will help her character. Sure, we could spank too, but I want to consistently do something that will help her grow in character. We talk about sin, we read Bible verses, we talk about breaking our trust, we talk about what happened versus what would have happened if she had told the truth and then I end it with talking about what to do differently next time and she prays. I just need a good "toolbox" of consequences that build character and that are natural to the offense. Thanks.

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I searched first, but didn't find what I was looking for. My dd6 struggles with lying. Nothing serious (but lying is serious no matter the situation), but for example, today she had her vitamins and threw some of them away. I asked her if she threw some away and she said no. I asked her again and she still said no. We had to leave for an appt., so I told her I was going to empty the trash cans when I got home. We get home later and she ran in to empty the trash cans. I knew she was lying about throwing them away, so I talked to her again and gave her one last chance to be honest. She was. Of course this breaks my heart because I gave her many chances and she deliberately kept lying. I'm glad she was finally honest, but it was because she was going to get caught. I'm at a loss for appropriate consequences for lying that will help her character. Sure, we could spank too, but I want to consistently do something that will help her grow in character. We talk about sin, we read Bible verses, we talk about breaking our trust, we talk about what happened versus what would have happened if she had told the truth and then I end it with talking about what to do differently next time and she prays. I just need a good "toolbox" of consequences that build character and that are natural to the offense. Thanks.

 

 

first of all, if you KNOW she threw them away and that she'll lie, don't set her up for failure. a simple "You did not take your vitamins. Go get them out of the trash now, stand here in front of me, and i need to see you put them in your mouth."

 

when you lie, people stop trusting you. Even w/ the truth.

 

start lying to her.

"we're having [favorite food] for dinner."

serve bland stuff.

 

"how about we stop at the icecream store after the gas station?"

then don't.

 

follow all that up w/ discussion, but keep it up for awhile.

 

good luck.

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first of all, if you KNOW she threw them away and that she'll lie, don't set her up for failure. a simple "You did not take your vitamins. Go get them out of the trash now, stand here in front of me, and i need to see you put them in your mouth."

 

when you lie, people stop trusting you. Even w/ the truth.

 

start lying to her.

"we're having [favorite food] for dinner."

serve bland stuff.

 

"how about we stop at the icecream store after the gas station?"

then don't.

 

follow all that up w/ discussion, but keep it up for awhile.

 

good luck.

 

I didn't know she threw them away and I didn't set her up on purpose. I had an idea, but I didn't know it for a fact. I could of just had her get them and take them, I guess, but lying is something she struggles with and something I want to wisely handle. Thank you for offering your ideas.

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I didn't know she threw them away and I didn't set her up on purpose. I had an idea, but I didn't know it for a fact. I could of just had her get them and take them, I guess, but lying is something she struggles with and something I want to wisely handle. Thank you for offering your ideas.

 

I'm sure you didn't "set her up" on purpose --many parents don't realize that offering continued chances does pretty much just that tho.

 

I think for her age, you might want to consider LOTS of role playing:

 

recreate the scenario, including her throwing them in the trash. This time encourage her to tell the truth the first time. Praise for telling the truth, but implement a smaller punishment that deals w/ broken trust.

 

Biblically, we are told to train them up in the way they SHOULD go: set up a TON of scenarios where everytime you ask a question and she tells the truth, praise her dependability. Don't flip out over failures-- at that age, a serious LACK of praise may do wonders. Start there and get tougher as you need to. Hopefully you won't need to :)

 

characterjournal.com has some great units on character traits, but geared more for adult research [which may still help] than to the child. I really like For Instructions in Righteousness --it offers a great pattern for how to deal w/ the sin, the child, the consequence, Biblical examples of people who sinned, Biblical examples of people who AVOIDED that particular sin, and restoration steps.

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I do everything I can not to put my kids in a position where they can get away with lying, or where they are too tempted to be dishonest. For example, we used to have loose coin jar in the living area- but after realising our then maybe 8yo son had taken some coins, we realised it as too tempting for him, when he really loves money, so we took it away so as not to put him in that position, especially when we couldnt tell whether he had taken a few coins or not.

I think I wouldn't have asked your dd6 either, whether she took them, I would have just checked- or if I asked her I would have checked the bin straight away anyway. And then I would always watch her take the tablets. I have certinaly done that with my kids as both have at times dumped their vitamins instead of swallowing them.

Lying gives children a sense of power over their environment, when they are so dominated by the big people. its a very natural thing and I tend to treat it as practically as possible rather than purely as a moral thing.

 

I also feel that the smaller the child, the shorter needs to be the time between the crime and the completion of the punishment. No matter the consequence, the issue needs to be dealt with quickly and let go of. And meanwhile all normal life stops until the issue is dealt with. My son stole a $5 note he found on the ground in the house once, and we literally dropped everything for several hours until he confessed- it took quite a while because he was confident we couldn't prove it. He needed to feel that he would actually be forgiven when he confessed, and he was, and he was thanked for finally being honest, and then made to pay a fine on top of returning the money.

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You have a 6-yr old and she's taking vitamins. Watch her take them. End of issue. Likewise, do as the others have suggested. Limit the freedom she has (or unsupervised times) so as to make sure she cannot lie. When you have a 6-year old, you really have the upper hand. It gets a lot harder once they are 14, 16, or 18.

 

Ria

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I wouldn't try to teach a child a lesson about lying by lying to the child *myself.*

 

Instead, try s/th similar -- but let the child see what happens if she is not believed. Here's what I mean: Ask the child what she wants for breakfast. If she says, "Waffles," cook and serve eggs. When she says, "Mom, I asked for waffles," you say, "Oh, I thought you were lying when you said that," and not one more thing about it. Just let her eat the eggs and think about it.

 

She'll get the point -- (especially if you *don't* lecture after serving eggs).

 

If *you* lie to her, you're only stooping to the child's level. If, instead, you let her see a natural consequence of lying (not being believed when she asks for something), she may begin to see some of the problems with lying.

 

Also, (and this part is no quibble with Peek's post ;-), I'd give cut her a bit of slack (or grace) by remembering that lying is VERY common at this age (6-7). This doesn't mean that you ignore lying -- instead, if you suspect that she's lying, give her a chance to tell the truth by either giving a "do-over," ("Oh, honey, that doesn't sound true to me. Would you like to have a do-over and tell me what really happened?"). If she changes her story to the truth, praise her for telling the truth.

 

Just my two rupees,

 

Lisa

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You have a 6-yr old and she's taking vitamins. Watch her take them. End of issue. Likewise, do as the others have suggested. Limit the freedom she has (or unsupervised times) so as to make sure she cannot lie. When you have a 6-year old, you really have the upper hand. It gets a lot harder once they are 14, 16, or 18.

 

Ria

 

On normal days, she has to stay in the kitchen and eat them within 5 minutes with a timer, but today was different because we had to leave to make a last minute vet appt. and she was going to take them with her. She went upstairs to get shoes and that's when they got thrown away. I know the older ages are harder and that's why I want to handle it wisely now in hopes to save us some heartbreak in later years or at least work on character consistently to help her in later years.

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I wouldn't try to teach a child a lesson about lying by lying to the child *myself.*

 

Instead, try s/th similar -- but let the child see what happens if she is not believed. Here's what I mean: Ask the child what she wants for breakfast. If she says, "Waffles," cook and serve eggs. When she says, "Mom, I asked for waffles," you say, "Oh, I thought you were lying when you said that," and not one more thing about it. Just let her eat the eggs and think about it.

 

She'll get the point -- (especially if you *don't* lecture after serving eggs).

 

If *you* lie to her, you're only stooping to the child's level. If, instead, you let her see a natural consequence of lying (not being believed when she asks for something), she may begin to see some of the problems with lying.

 

Also, (and this part is no quibble with Peek's post ;-), I'd give cut her a bit of slack (or grace) by remembering that lying is VERY common at this age (6-7). This doesn't mean that you ignore lying -- instead, if you suspect that she's lying, give her a chance to tell the truth by either giving a "do-over," ("Oh, honey, that doesn't sound true to me. Would you like to have a do-over and tell me what really happened?"). If she changes her story to the truth, praise her for telling the truth.

 

Just my two rupees,

 

Lisa

 

Thanks. I like your idea about breakfast. It puts it in context for her. I might try that tomorrow morning.

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I do everything I can not to put my kids in a position where they can get away with lying, or where they are too tempted to be dishonest. For example, we used to have loose coin jar in the living area- but after realising our then maybe 8yo son had taken some coins, we realised it as too tempting for him, when he really loves money, so we took it away so as not to put him in that position, especially when we couldnt tell whether he had taken a few coins or not.

I think I wouldn't have asked your dd6 either, whether she took them, I would have just checked- or if I asked her I would have checked the bin straight away anyway. And then I would always watch her take the tablets. I have certinaly done that with my kids as both have at times dumped their vitamins instead of swallowing them.

Lying gives children a sense of power over their environment, when they are so dominated by the big people. its a very natural thing and I tend to treat it as practically as possible rather than purely as a moral thing.

 

I also feel that the smaller the child, the shorter needs to be the time between the crime and the completion of the punishment. No matter the consequence, the issue needs to be dealt with quickly and let go of. And meanwhile all normal life stops until the issue is dealt with. My son stole a $5 note he found on the ground in the house once, and we literally dropped everything for several hours until he confessed- it took quite a while because he was confident we couldn't prove it. He needed to feel that he would actually be forgiven when he confessed, and he was, and he was thanked for finally being honest, and then made to pay a fine on top of returning the money.

 

Thank you. I thanked her, too, for being honest and told her that I was proud of her for finally being honest. I usually do stop everything and handle something, but today was an off day with our last minute appt. we had to leave for. Thanks for the encouragement.

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I don't ask several times. If I catch my child in a lie, they are in trouble (ie. lose computer privileges or something else that they care about) and experience loss of trust.

 

In this case, I would probably watch her take her vitamins each day and possibly remind her that she has to take them while I am watching because she didn't take them before and lied about it.

 

Another example came from my 9yo just last week. DH was in charge while I was out of town on Friday. DH's plan was to get them to do school early and then go to the park. My daughter didn't finish all of her assigned school work of the day but told him that she had. He asked if she was sure and she went back to check again and said that she was. She hadn't done her writing assignment, 2/3 of her math, and something else (can't remember at the moment). He trusted her and they went to the park. I came home and pulled their finished work from their notebooks on Monday for grading. That's when I discovered the unfinished work. She lost computer privileges for the week and has to have her work checked before she can play rather than be trusted. This included today when the plan was once again to complete school and chores early and then go to the park. I specifically checked that everything was completed before we left. Both kids dilly-dallied on some things so we ended up leaving for the park an hour later than planned...losing an hour's worth of playtime.

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Time. Certainly talk about using accurate, true words. Don't ask leading questions which are themselves a lie. But there is a wide age range in which children lie.

 

You can't mature them out of developmental stages. Tome, coaching and not blocking the natural consequences (you don't trust her words).

 

A school aged child can also understand that if they aren't trustworthy with words, you can't trust them with other "big girl" privileges.

 

Mostly time, though.

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Instead of focusing on the badness of lying, perhaps focus on the bravery in telling the truth? If you are going to question her, you need to make it safe by telling her the consequences first so she knows it's not going to be too dreadful to own up to. Something like "if you have thrown your vitamins in the bin, I'm going to frown at you and tell you to go and get them quick smart. Did you throw them in the bin? Then go and get them quick smart!"

 

Rosie

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I wouldn't try to teach a child a lesson about lying by lying to the child *myself.*

 

Instead, try s/th similar -- but let the child see what happens if she is not believed. Here's what I mean: Ask the child what she wants for breakfast. If she says, "Waffles," cook and serve eggs. When she says, "Mom, I asked for waffles," you say, "Oh, I thought you were lying when you said that," and not one more thing about it. Just let her eat the eggs and think about it.

 

She'll get the point -- (especially if you *don't* lecture after serving eggs).

 

If *you* lie to her, you're only stooping to the child's level. If, instead, you let her see a natural consequence of lying (not being believed when she asks for something), she may begin to see some of the problems with lying.

 

Also, (and this part is no quibble with Peek's post ;-), I'd give cut her a bit of slack (or grace) by remembering that lying is VERY common at this age (6-7). This doesn't mean that you ignore lying -- instead, if you suspect that she's lying, give her a chance to tell the truth by either giving a "do-over," ("Oh, honey, that doesn't sound true to me. Would you like to have a do-over and tell me what really happened?"). If she changes her story to the truth, praise her for telling the truth.

 

Just my two rupees,

 

Lisa

 

yeah-- close enough for me ;)

 

i think that if you ask them what they want for b'fast, it's reasonable that they would expect you to DO that, so serving something else on purpose w/o due warning IS a form of deception. But i like the way you spin it :)

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