Annabel Lee Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 I'll start by saying I don't take divorce lightly, it's never been an option in my head. Dh and I have always worked through things. Last night I went to him with the "things can't go on like this" talk, meaning that serious change was needed. He suprised me by ending it the other way - he wants a divorce. He's pretty set on it, and suprised me again when he said he's been thinking this for years (he could've mentioned it to me!). The really good charter school my dd goes to is open to the public but only through a once-a-year lottery. The lottery for this year has already happened. So, my boys will most likely homeschool next year too. If divorce is really on the horizon, this means all kinds of changes: moving, me finding a (paying) job, etc. I still don't want to put my boys in the regular ps system. Have any of you had to homeschool through a divorce? How do you manage to plow through when this kind of heartache is looming over constantly? How do you function as a single, working mom, having to share custody (i.e., you're not w/ the kids to hs them anytime you please), and still get hs'ing done? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 No advice for you, just :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry you are going through this. It must be quite a shock to you, and I'm sure it will be very hard on your children, too. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 I separated before I started homeschooling so that part I can't help you with. A few thoughts though, #1 do not even think for one second about academics until you have your feet under you. The boys are young they will catch up down the line, for the time being focus on comforting them, getting your feet steady with all the changes, showing that even if you and your husband are apart you are there for the kids etc. #2 You are not moving, he can move out, wait until it is decided that the home must be sold before you start uprooting yourself and the children. They should have the stability of their own home. #3 work, thankfully there is many jobs out there that allow you to still homeschool and work, this all depends on your willingness to do what ever it takes even if it is not a glamourous job. #4 Until your dh moves out or one of you 2 have filed for the divorce there is still a chance to make this work out. Perhaps once your dh is home from work and has had the day to digest the fact that he actually said the words out loud he will realize what he is giving up. Send the kids to a sitter or family member and watch fire proof together, make an appt for counselling, talk, read the love dare or any other thing you can think of to try and make it work. I do not know your situation, a divorce might be the best thing for you guys but if you don't think so do what you can. :grouphug: I remember the pain and confusion with my separation and I am the one that asked for it, it is not an easy thing to go through Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 I'm not divorced, but we've been separated for years. Initially he and I were on different pages as to the 'right' education for our son, so our best compromise was a private kindergarten. The next year we were in a much better place, and he initiated the conversation that eventually led us to bring our son home for school. Honestly, I did better emotionally the year we brought my son home. I had something to focus on, other than my hurt; I had a reason to get out of bed and put on my supergirl cape and get through each day. Every year we seem to have significant changes to either work schedules or living arrangments that seriously impact our homeschooling. I went from staying at home full-time to working full-time back down to a part-time job that requires frequent overnight travel. Their dad went from living three states away to living three cities over, and from financing 100% down to 0% then up to a reasonable 30-40% of our overall financial support. Just when we think we have things figured out, a new wrench is thrown in to the mix - be it scheduling, financial, or otherwise. It continues to be a workable challenge. I only it update once a month or so, but I blog about these experiences as situations arise. Most recently I've had to compromise my educational philosophies and choices of curricula in order to keep homeschooling (with co-teachers) viable. I don't have my ideal homeschool, but it's a pretty good arrangement all things considered. I still get to work (I prefer it to staying home 24/7), I still get to homeschool (I prefer it to our alternatives), and I have the flexibility to make it all work in a way that best benefits our entire family. I wish the same successes for you and yours. (((hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eaglei Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 No advice, just :grouphug: I am so sorry you are going through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 I'm so sorry to hear about your hard time. I suppose you could investigate how people work full time and still homeschool. I think it has to do with finding someone to watch your kids while you work, and perhaps going with a less typical schedule. I do know some folks work evenings, or work several nights (for double the pay) a week. I would not decide anything until something more concrete happens. Not that it has any bearing on your situation, but we just had good friends who separated (he left), get back together. It can happen. I hope things work out for the best, whatever that may look like for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 :grouphug: No words of advice, just support. Sorry to hear you're going through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 I've homeschooled through my divorce. My advice: 1) Go see an attorney for a consultation right now. Most are free consultations for the first visit. Find out what your options are, how much you can expect to get from the divorce in terms of alimony, child support, etc. States vary, so find this out. You might not have to go to work right away, and I'm going to guess your H will need to move out and let you and the kids keep the house, at least for now. I hadn't worked in 10 years and was scared to death that I'd not get a dime from the divorce. After seeing the attorney, he relieved all my fears that I'd be left high and dry. 2) Keep your dc's lives as normal and stable as you can. Do NOT change how you educate them unless you really have to. Stability is the priority for them at this time. 3) Call upon your church for support. That's the way I got through my divorce. If my church family hadn't been there, I'd never had made it. PM me if you want to talk. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SherryTX Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 No advice - I have never been in your shoes. But I wanted to say I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation, and I hope you can get the support you need from family and friends. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 I am so very sorry. I wish I had some advice, but I just wanted to give you a cyberhug. :grouphug: I know a woman who works full time at my local Christian bookstore. She homeschools her daughter. I asked her how she did it when she's always at work and she told me that her daughter (just turned 13) does alot of independent work and that she also homeschools with her cousins. That might be an option for you?? Maybe you can find another homeschool mom in your area and work something out?? I truly wish I had something more to give you. More than anything I just want to give you a :grouphug:. I will pray for you. Jennifer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 (edited) I agree with Michelle's advice -- and want to reiterate the importance of speaking with an attorney immediately. Do not assume that your dh hasn't already contacted an attorney for advice; that's a huge mistake many women make. They still trust their husbands. I know it sounds awful to tell you not to trust your dh, but this is not the sweet and loving person you married; this is a guy who wants out of your marriage. He might turn out to be very fair and equitable about the whole thing, but when things like money and possessions are involved, people can change dramatically, so you need to hope for the best, while being very well-prepared for the worst. Don't let an attorney tell you that you need to ask for everything in order to get what you deserve. Some attorneys will also tell you that you need to let them do all of your negotiating for you. Do not agree to this except as a last resort. You need an attorney to tell you what you can and can not reasonably expect to happen during and after the process. Then, you should arrange to sit down with your dh and try to hammer out an equitable settlement. If you both allow your attorneys to do your negotiating, it will cost you a fortune in attorney fees, and will probably only serve to create more animosity between you and your dh. If you're not sure where your dh stands in terms of settlement and support, tell him that if he wants a divorce, you need to know specifically what he would consider to be a fair settlement. He may be more generous than you think, and getting his offer before you come up with any suggestions will give you the upper hand. Be sure you have every last bit of financial information. Do not let him remove any bank statements or other financial info from the house. If you think he might do that, make copies of everything for yourself. Be sure you have pertinent info for every loan, every credit card, and every account. Contact financial institutions to see what you need to do to ensure that your dh can't close out accounts and take all the money. I know it sounds like a lot, but you need to protect your interests. Hopefully, you'll be able to do it quietly so it doesn't cause more animosity between you and your dh, but your financial security is crucial to you and your dc. And, as has been said before, do not move out of your house. If you do, you may never get it back. Finally, do not start looking for a job. If you haven't been working, don't start now. It will adversely affect your ability to collect alimony, and could also impact your child support. You are a homeschooling mom, and if your dh wants out of the marriage, he will have to try to support you in the lifestyle to which you are accustomed. (If you haven't been married for too many years, there will be a limit to how long your dh must fully support you, but depending on what state you live in, he will probably have to provide full support for at least 6 months to a year, and probably longer than that. He may also have to help pay for any education or training you might need in order to qualify for a good job.) Anyway, sorry to throw so much at you, but I have seen a lot of people go through this, and I also have several friends and relatives who are attorneys, so I have seen this from both sides. I hope that, if you and your dh proceed with a divorce, that it can be civilized and fair. You will always be in contact because of the kids, so the more you can both keep your negative emotions out of things, the better off you'll be in the future. I know it's hard, but try to think of the divorce as a business arrangement as much as you can -- like a business partnership breaking up and the assets being divided equally. If you let your emotions rule your actions, you will end up hating each other, and the attorneys will end up with most of your money. I don't know if there is any hope of reconciliation, but if there isn't, please try to be as calm and rational as you can, and protect your interests. Cat Edited April 23, 2009 by Catwoman forgot something! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3lilreds in NC Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 :grouphug: Oh, honey, no advice, but lots of love and prayers. I'm sorry this is happening. You WILL get through it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayle in Guatemala Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 :grouphug:I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 How are you doing today, ArcticMom? I've been thinking about you. :grouphug: Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peek a Boo Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 Yes, we did, but our situation is pretty darn rare so i probably can't offer much helpful advice. You've gotten some great advice already and I'll second getting a great shark of an attorney. My biggest advice; there's more to life than academics, and yeah- don't change their environment any more than you have to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherInWI Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 Be aware, too, that he may suddenly change his mind about homeschooling. One family I know that went through a divorce had a dad who'd insisted on the children being homeschooled for many years suddenly decide that it wasn't any longer in the best interests of the children and even accuse the mom of educational neglect to the authorities and sneak a child off for testing to the local ps. (In this case, it backfired -- the child passed with flying colors and the school commented on how well-prepared he was!) So I'd suggest having a "Plan B" for schooling just in case your judge decides that your children have to go to an "ordinary" school. While you're married, he has a reason to try to work with you, but once you're in a divorce situation, he (and his lawyer) may decide they have every reason to try to make you miserable in as many ways as possible. A good lawyer and good record-keeping seem very wise. So does lots of prayer for a reasonable reconciliation! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 Be aware, too, that he may suddenly change his mind about homeschooling. That's an excellent point, mainly because if you're homeschooling, you probably won't be able to work full time, and your dh will most certainly be advised by his attorney, friends, and family to try to talk you into getting a job. Also, and I wasn't going to mention it, but I think I'd better... if there is another woman involved (and that's always a possibility,) she will probably do everything possible to get your dh to turn against you, and to encourage him to fight you tooth and nail for every nickel. I know it's a terrible thing to bring up, but you need to be aware of every possibility. :grouphug: Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 How are you doing today, ArcticMom? I've been thinking about you. :grouphug: Cat Me too. You've been so heavy on my heart. I've been praying for you. Sending more love and :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: your way Arcticmom. May God open the gates of Heaven and rain down his mercy, peace, protection and grace upon you. God bless you. Jennifer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 ArcticMom hasn't posted since yesterday. I hope she's ok. If you're out there, ArcticMom, I just want to send you a :grouphug: and tell you that I hope things get better for you soon! Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annabel Lee Posted April 25, 2009 Author Share Posted April 25, 2009 Oh my gosh, thank you all so much for the heartfelt replies (and the really good practical advice)! Thanks especially for the prayers. Dh did come home from work Wednesday with his mind changed. He said he started missing me and that the thought of actually going through w/ it hurt too much. After posting here I decided I'm not going to sit back and watch my marriage go down the drain. I realize this doesn't mean we're totally in the clear. Obviously there are issues that led us to have that conversation and they still need to be dealt w/. Our church is showing Fireproof free tonight and is having a marriage conference this weekend. I decided that whether he comes with me or not, I'll start going to counseling to work on my issues. He's agreed to go now, too. Before, he didn't see the point, since we've already been (years ago). There was never any yelling or fighting, we just felt like we lost our connection with eachother - at least that's what it felt like to me. There was literally no sign of affection from him and if I didn't say anything to him all day long, things would be silent between us b/c he wasn't even initiating conversation (or even short small-talk) w/ me. It felt like he just had no interest. He swears there's no one else, and I'm pretty sure he's telling the truth. I say "pretty sure" b/c *trust* has always been an issue for me. There's no sign or evidence of anything like that going on - just the lack of affection between us. But I think he gets it now - that simply a complete lack of affection can really make someone wonder if the affection is being diverted elsewhere. I'd been trying to tell him that for awhile. This does make me look at him now though and wonder about how things can be 'back to normal' now, when a couple days ago he didn't want to be married to me anymore? It feels like it was a really bad dream. I think it just highlights how urgently we need to start paying attention to us (vs. just the house, the kids, etc.), and get some help. I can't thank all of you enough for the prayers, hugs, care & concern. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennifersLost Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 The others are giving you a lot of good advice. My two cents is after child support, spousal support, etc, has been figured out....then look into doing daycare from home. Unless you are in a pretty great profession, taking two or three full time kids in your home often generates a larger salary than most starter jobs out of the house. It also allows you to keep your kids at home with you. It's a lot of work, but the others are right - there are lots of independent programs that you can work around, and there are all sorts of ways to do it. Keep posting here, keep asking for help - you CAN do this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 Oh my gosh, thank you all so much for the heartfelt replies (and the really good practical advice)! Thanks especially for the prayers. Dh did come home from work Wednesday with his mind changed. He said he started missing me and that the thought of actually going through w/ it hurt too much. After posting here I decided I'm not going to sit back and watch my marriage go down the drain. I realize this doesn't mean we're totally in the clear. Obviously there are issues that led us to have that conversation and they still need to be dealt w/. Our church is showing Fireproof free tonight and is having a marriage conference this weekend. I decided that whether he comes with me or not, I'll start going to counseling to work on my issues. He's agreed to go now, too. Before, he didn't see the point, since we've already been (years ago). There was never any yelling or fighting, we just felt like we lost our connection with eachother - at least that's what it felt like to me. There was literally no sign of affection from him and if I didn't say anything to him all day long, things would be silent between us b/c he wasn't even initiating conversation (or even short small-talk) w/ me. It felt like he just had no interest. He swears there's no one else, and I'm pretty sure he's telling the truth. I say "pretty sure" b/c *trust* has always been an issue for me. There's no sign or evidence of anything like that going on - just the lack of affection between us. But I think he gets it now - that simply a complete lack of affection can really make someone wonder if the affection is being diverted elsewhere. I'd been trying to tell him that for awhile. This does make me look at him now though and wonder about how things can be 'back to normal' now, when a couple days ago he didn't want to be married to me anymore? It feels like it was a really bad dream. I think it just highlights how urgently we need to start paying attention to us (vs. just the house, the kids, etc.), and get some help. I can't thank all of you enough for the prayers, hugs, care & concern. Oh I'm glad to hear that you guys will be going to counselling. I wish you all the best. My husband and I had a very rocky few years where we came very close to splitsville too, except in our case I was the one who wanted to leave. He finally realized that I was serious and he started getting his act together. We are so much happier today. I can tell you that the book Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas and the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman helped me so much. I think it's great that you guys will be working on your issues. I pray that God will do a major healing in your marriage and in your home. May God pour down His blessings upon you sister. Keep looking up. :) :grouphug: Jennifer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 Oh my gosh, thank you all so much for the heartfelt replies (and the really good practical advice)! Thanks especially for the prayers. Dh did come home from work Wednesday with his mind changed. He said he started missing me and that the thought of actually going through w/ it hurt too much. After posting here I decided I'm not going to sit back and watch my marriage go down the drain. I realize this doesn't mean we're totally in the clear. Obviously there are issues that led us to have that conversation and they still need to be dealt w/. Our church is showing Fireproof free tonight and is having a marriage conference this weekend. I decided that whether he comes with me or not, I'll start going to counseling to work on my issues. He's agreed to go now, too. Before, he didn't see the point, since we've already been (years ago). There was never any yelling or fighting, we just felt like we lost our connection with eachother - at least that's what it felt like to me. There was literally no sign of affection from him and if I didn't say anything to him all day long, things would be silent between us b/c he wasn't even initiating conversation (or even short small-talk) w/ me. It felt like he just had no interest. He swears there's no one else, and I'm pretty sure he's telling the truth. I say "pretty sure" b/c *trust* has always been an issue for me. There's no sign or evidence of anything like that going on - just the lack of affection between us. But I think he gets it now - that simply a complete lack of affection can really make someone wonder if the affection is being diverted elsewhere. I'd been trying to tell him that for awhile. This does make me look at him now though and wonder about how things can be 'back to normal' now, when a couple days ago he didn't want to be married to me anymore? It feels like it was a really bad dream. I think it just highlights how urgently we need to start paying attention to us (vs. just the house, the kids, etc.), and get some help. I can't thank all of you enough for the prayers, hugs, care & concern. I pray you and your dh can resolve the issues and rebuild your marriage. Divorce s*cks. It just does. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 I pray you and your dh can resolve the issues and rebuild your marriage. Divorce s*cks. It just does. :grouphug: :iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharon H in IL Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 (edited) Wishing you well, Sheryl. I hope he opens his eyes and sees what he will be losing if he loses you. :grouphug: Oops, I just realized I was confusing you, Arcticmom, with another poster from the North, Sheryl in the Arctic. I apologize if that's not you. Edited April 25, 2009 by Sharon H in IL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sahamamama Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 My best advice to you is this: Walk in your God-given dignity. You are not a failure, you are not a beggar, you are not a doormat. I'm not saying that you should be arrogant or cruel to your beloved, but you must respect yourself if you want him to respect you. That said, it may be better for the two of you to really try to work this out with a qualified marriage counselor. Could you talk to a trained pastor or Christian counselor? Are there family members or someone in your church who would watch the kids while you go to counseling? It sounds as though your marriage has been the source of a lot of pain for both of you, so I'm praying for healing and grace to work through this and for both of you to be healthy and strong. My husband and I have seen the movie "Fireproof," and it is worth watching, even if you watch it by yourself -- will you do the Love Dare? If so, there is more information available at http://www.fireproofmymarriage.com. One other resource is Dr. Dobson's book, Love Must Be Tough. This book helped me when it was time to end a (dating) relationship in which I had begun to lose my dreams and my dignity. Remember who made you, and hold your head up. HTH. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TraceyS/FL Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 I hope it all works out for you. :grouphug: I can't share much at the moment - everything i post here is being used against me. But, let me highlight a few posts...... Be aware, too, that he may suddenly change his mind about homeschooling. One family I know that went through a divorce had a dad who'd insisted on the children being homeschooled for many years suddenly decide that it wasn't any longer in the best interests of the children and even accuse the mom of educational neglect to the authorities and sneak a child off for testing to the local ps. (In this case, it backfired -- the child passed with flying colors and the school commented on how well-prepared he was!)So I'd suggest having a "Plan B" for schooling just in case your judge decides that your children have to go to an "ordinary" school. While you're married, he has a reason to try to work with you, but once you're in a divorce situation, he (and his lawyer) may decide they have every reason to try to make you miserable in as many ways as possible. A good lawyer and good record-keeping seem very wise. So does lots of prayer for a reasonable reconciliation! :iagree: Welcome to MY life the last 4.5 months. ONly i'm being charged with more than educational neglect. What I am/will be going thru i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. He has no clue obviously the impact of what he is doing will have on the kids. I can add, he is still living here at the house with "us" - and it's not pretty. That's an excellent point, mainly because if you're homeschooling, you probably won't be able to work full time, and your dh will most certainly be advised by his attorney, friends, and family to try to talk you into getting a job. Also, and I wasn't going to mention it, but I think I'd better... if there is another woman involved (and that's always a possibility,) she will probably do everything possible to get your dh to turn against you, and to encourage him to fight you tooth and nail for every nickel. I know it's a terrible thing to bring up, but you need to be aware of every possibility. Doesn't even have to be "another woman" - could be his own mother. And that is probably all i SHOULD say on that topic at the moment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetbaby Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 I've homeschooled through my divorce. My advice: 1) Go see an attorney for a consultation right now. Most are free consultations for the first visit. Find out what your options are, how much you can expect to get from the divorce in terms of alimony, child support, etc. States vary, so find this out. You might not have to go to work right away, and I'm going to guess your H will need to move out and let you and the kids keep the house, at least for now. I hadn't worked in 10 years and was scared to death that I'd not get a dime from the divorce. After seeing the attorney, he relieved all my fears that I'd be left high and dry. 2) Keep your dc's lives as normal and stable as you can. Do NOT change how you educate them unless you really have to. Stability is the priority for them at this time. 3) Call upon your church for support. That's the way I got through my divorce. If my church family hadn't been there, I'd never had made it. PM me if you want to talk. :grouphug: :iagree:Totally agree. Been there, done that and have the t-shirt. Divorce is awful. :grouphug:Praying for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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