On confronting others...

[imeverywoman]

Regarding my other post, I seriously need to know what you would have said to this family. I know what I would have said in my mind, but I would not truly allow it out of my mouth. When I'm feeling big and bad, I'll say anything, but when push comes to shove, I guard my words carefully.

 

Bottom line, what would you realistically have said, were you in my shoes?

[katemary63]

First, I would find out what was said by and to my DH EXACTLY about the length of the stay. If there was no specific date agreed upon, I would have just sat down with all four adults and had a talk. I would have begged forgiveness for not making sure it was clear to all how long the visit would be (even if it was their fault) and then I would simply have explained that our family could NOT take off another week of school and that I was unprepared to have guests for that length of time. I would make it clear that as far as I knew, the visit was only for the weekend and that I had no idea they were planning to stay that long. Apologies all around but we can only accomodate you until such and such a date/ time.

 

If DH agreed on the whole week and didn't tell you - well then I'd feel stuck to let it play out.

 

Here's the thing though. I could never have gotten in this situation in the first place. I am related (by marriage!:D) to the absolute worst communicators in the WORLD! So I double verify EVERYTHING with everybody. I repeat and repeat and repeat times, dates, events and expectations until I HEAR THE OTHER PERSON REPEAT IT ALSO! If my DH makes plans with someone - I call them and verify, "So, DH tells me you are coming for a visit. What time should I expect you? We'll be eating dinner at 6:00 PM, will you be eating dinner with us? Great! So..you're coming at 4:00 pm on the 3rd right? And we're eating at six. That will be fun. I'll be so glad to see you, thanks!" I learned this the hard way (once I put together a celebration meal for about 40 people and only had 6 show up :001_huh:) and you have too. Now, just don't ever let it happen again. :001_smile:

[wagnfun]

Regarding my other post, I seriously need to know what you would have said to this family. I know what I would have said in my mind, but I would not truly allow it out of my mouth. When I'm feeling big and bad, I'll say anything, but when push comes to shove, I guard my words carefully.

 

Bottom line, what would you realistically have said, were you in my shoes?

 

From what I read, this family plans to stay THROUGH Easter? Coming over for dinner is one thing but staying the night, the evening before so they are there Easter morning when the bunny has come & done his thing wouldn't be ok in my house. I like those special dh/me w/ kids ONLY moments.

 

Ok seriously-- I'd pull the mother aside and tell her straight up--

 

You know we love you right? OK well.. (& yes this is how'd i'd say it).. Im kind of confused & maybe it was my misunderstanding but... I was under the impression you guys were coming for the weekend. We had no intentions of taking a spring break but at this point, I need some time to prep for the weekend (Holiday).

 

Then I'd mention helping them make resos at the local hotel.

 

Yes seriously.

 

OR have dh said it to the man of the family.

[Aubrey]

Regarding my other post, I seriously need to know what you would have said to this family. I know what I would have said in my mind, but I would not truly allow it out of my mouth. When I'm feeling big and bad, I'll say anything, but when push comes to shove, I guard my words carefully.

 

Bottom line, what would you realistically have said, were you in my shoes?

 

Does the past-tense here indicate that they're gone?

 

I'd have lied. It's terrible, but true. I'm a complete gullywad. I'd have said we had to go out of town, to see my in-laws 45 min away or my mother 14 hrs away, whatever it took. And I"d have even gone if nec.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

Here's the thing though. I could never have gotten in this situation in the first place. :

 

Yep. It wouldn't have happened. I always find out exactly what the plans are before anyone stays at my house. While they are there, I thoroughly enjoy the visit. The day before they are supposed to depart I ask them what time they plan on leaving. The next day I ask if they need any help packing up their things. :001_smile:

 

 

 

I value my personal space and my time, and I hate being uncertain about how long someone else will have demands on it.

[Carrie12345]

Regarding my other post, I seriously need to know what you would have said to this family. I know what I would have said in my mind, but I would not truly allow it out of my mouth. When I'm feeling big and bad, I'll say anything, but when push comes to shove, I guard my words carefully.

 

Bottom line, what would you realistically have said, were you in my shoes?

 

Well, I would have thrown my dh under the bus... and he'd deserve it. ;)

 

"I'm really sorry, but dh didn't tell me how long your stay would be. The kids and I planned a very busy week so we could prepare for our own spring break. I'm sure you understand."

[Sebastian (a lady)]

When we lived in Hawaii, we had a lot of visitors (big surprise). Sometimes we were able to turn off school and just have fun with them, but other times, I needed to get things done.

 

So I ask them what sorts of things they were hoping to do while they were there. Then I would say something like, "Well, we are still working on school so we can't take the whole week off with you, but we'd love to come along when you go snorkeling. How does Wednesday sound?"

 

If there was something special we had arranged, like a Pearl Harbor tour, then I would say, "DH has special tickets for the Pearl Harbor tour on Thursday. What plans do you have for the other days?"

 

I would have things available for breakfasts, then I would ask them, "So what adventure do you have planned for today?" When they were getting ready to leave for the day I would ask if they were planning on eating dinner with us or eating out. If there plans were taking them to the other side of the island, then I might say that they probably won't be ready to come back in time for dinner and give them a couple suggestions for places to look for.

 

It is actually possible for visitors to be lower impact. But you might have to make it clear that while they are on break, you still have obligations.

 

When you realized that there were differing expectations on stay length, I might have said something like, "This is so embarrassing, but dh and I didn't communicate well on how long you were visiting. You know we love having you around, but I'm feeling really crunched to get our school done for the year. Would you mind fending for yourselves for a couple of days and then we can spend all day Thursday with you guys? We'd love to take you to the zoo/children's museum/historic site because it is one of our favorite places in town. That way we'd still get a long day with you before you need to head back home."

[Night Elf]

I would have spoken to my DH at the first sign that something was amiss. If he was as clueless as I, I would have spoken directly to the woman rather than as a whole group. I don't like confrontations either so I can handle one on one because it's an even match and I'm not outnumbered. :)

 

Curious... Did you speak to your DH about your concerns at all during the week?

 

I was raised by my mother to keep quiet and never be involved in a confrontation. She always told me that verbal fighting was as bad as physical fighting and that I would look like white trash. She genuinely believed (and actually still believes) that looking stupid, irresponsible and taking undeserved blame was preferable to standing up for herself. It's taken me years to learn that it's really OK to communicate honestly with someone about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. If they choose to break off the relationship because of my thoughts and feelings, then it sure didn't seem to be much of a relationship.

 

If I were your friend in that situation, I'd be mortified to find out what's really going through your head. I'd be asking you, why didn't you tell me earlier?

 

You have to ask yourself what you're avoiding by not confronting or communicating.

 

*Are you worried they'll be angry? Is it better for you to be angry?

 

*Are you worried they'll never speak to you again? If they chose that route, were they really good friends in the first place?

 

*Are you worried that their vacation will be cut short? What about your own family's vacation? Maybe you should give up your upcoming vacation because you've already had a week off school and can't really afford a second week off in the same month. Because you're giving them the power to choose for your family by not taking care of the situation at the beginning of the week. (Not that I'm saying to do that but trying to make a point.)

 

When you allow yourself to be totally submissive to someone else, you're giving them an awful lot of power over you. I can see being submissive to my husband as long as he was respectful about it. But I don't feel it's right for me to be submissive to everyone else. That seems quite degrading actually.

 

:grouphug:

[katemary63]

I would have spoken to my DH at the first sign that something was amiss. If he was as clueless as I, I would have spoken directly to the woman rather than as a whole group. I don't like confrontations either so I can handle one on one because it's an even match and I'm not outnumbered. :)

 

Curious... Did you speak to your DH about your concerns at all during the week?

 

I was raised by my mother to keep quiet and never be involved in a confrontation. She always told me that verbal fighting was as bad as physical fighting and that I would look like white trash. She genuinely believed (and actually still believes) that looking stupid, irresponsible and taking undeserved blame was preferable to standing up for herself. It's taken me years to learn that it's really OK to communicate honestly with someone about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. If they choose to break off the relationship because of my thoughts and feelings, then it sure didn't seem to be much of a relationship.

 

If I were your friend in that situation, I'd be mortified to find out what's really going through your head. I'd be asking you, why didn't you tell me earlier?

 

You have to ask yourself what you're avoiding by not confronting or communicating.

 

*Are you worried they'll be angry? Is it better for you to be angry?

 

*Are you worried they'll never speak to you again? If they chose that route, were they really good friends in the first place?

 

*Are you worried that their vacation will be cut short? What about your own family's vacation? Maybe you should give up your upcoming vacation because you've already had a week off school and can't really afford a second week off in the same month. Because you're giving them the power to choose for your family by not taking care of the situation at the beginning of the week. (Not that I'm saying to do that but trying to make a point.)

 

When you allow yourself to be totally submissive to someone else, you're giving them an awful lot of power over you. I can see being submissive to my husband as long as he was respectful about it. But I don't feel it's right for me to be submissive to everyone else. That seems quite degrading actually.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree::iagree:

[KristenS]

What would I have really said? I would've yelled (privately) at my dh, had a panic attack where I threw up a lot, and sent them packing because I was sick. (No joke. I have a severe anxiety disorder, and the nausea can be handy when you want folks to leave...)

 

DH's family is bad about time commitments, though at least they're all local so it's a matter of hours not days usually. But I check and double-check with him about a zillion times to make sure he understands my needs for the day (to maintain my health and sanity), and then we leave it up to him to get the folks moving out the door. We've got our little signals.

 

I've also given myself permission to go sulk in a back room if I have to. Not to be rude to the guests, but if I am heading for a panic attack, better I remove myself from the situation and take a breather.

 

We don't have long-term company often, sometimes just for a weekend, but the same rules apply. DH and I hash it out VERY clearly up front and then I make him do the dirty work. It comes out a lot less stressful for me.

 

It took several years to get to this point though.

 

Fortunately his family has been gracious about my illnesses ... they are a chatty bunch but they will take a hint if you're blunt about it (they prefer blunt).

[JVA]

I thought I had married into the worst family about communication -!! I know to never get myself in this situation in the first place...it's miserable to have someone else dictate your schedule, isn't it? BTDT. Since the ball started rolling with your dh, HE needs to remedy this. There is nothing wrong with you drawing the line. Your 'friends' don't sound very thoughtful or considerate so, it should't be a shock to them to find out they need to go.

[Murphy101]

honestly?

 

first I'd rip dh a new one for not discussing things like dumping company on ME - notice dh is at work so of course this is all no big deal to HIM.:glare:

 

then since I'd gotten that off my chest and hopefully avoided a recurrance - I'd either let it go or simply go about my life.

 

if they are people that don't mind letting others go about their life and can entertain themselves - no problem for anyone

 

if they are people that have to be entertained to be happy - they'd move on of their own accord pretty quickly.

 

I agree about the easter thing being private. Not sure how I'd handle that.

[SonshineLearner]

If they were people I liked to hang around with, I would have talked with them about plans...dissed school, and had fun.

Carrie

[Impish]

What would I have really said? I would've yelled (privately) at my dh, had a panic attack where I threw up a lot, and sent them packing because I was sick. (No joke. I have a severe anxiety disorder, and the nausea can be handy when you want folks to leave...)

 

 

:iagree:I'm somewhat along these lines. I have RSD, (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy) which causes severe chronic pain, and has led me to develop an anxiety disorder. Having my home invaded would cause me stress, which would send my pain levels shooting up, along with my anxiety. It would literally cause me to be in agony. In fact, my MIL came for a weekend last summer, and it was so stressful and caused my pain to go up so badly that my dh swears, "Never again!" lol...but I doubt we'll be able to stick to that one :lol:

 

As for what I'd have said...Your dh invited them, I'd be dumping it in his lap to deal with. Easter is private here, and I wouldn't take kindly to having guests for it, especially ones that I hadn't counted on.