How do you get to know the parents?

[joannqn]

So, we've known this family for about 2 years. I use "known" VERY loosely. It means that a few times a year, we run into them at various homeschool get togethers. Usually these are during the spring/summer when the weather here is nice enough to have park days. The kids are 13, 8, 6, and 3. Several times, the girls have tried to invite my daughter to spend the night as the end of the park day. I've always said no. Today, we saw them again (for the 2nd time this school year) and they invited her over to spend the night Monday. Their mom is fine with this.

 

Here's the issue...DH and I have never met the father, don't know his name, what he does for a living, nothing. We only barely know mom and the kids as described above. They are friendly and nice but we just don't "know" them all that well.

 

DD is upset (crying) that we've said no to the overnight on Monday.

 

So, here's my question, how have you gone about getting to know the parents well enough to feel comfortable enough to let your kids spend time over there along...several hours during the day or overnight?

 

Also, would the fact that these people tend to be/look slovenly change how you feel? All of the kids and mom wear clothes that are ratty/torn and stained. I've never, in the two years we've known this family, seen the youngest be clean. Her hair has never once been brushed or looked like it was brushed anything recently. (Like today, Mom mentioned that she had a bath last night and went to bed with wet hair as a reason why the youngest's hair was so matted.) She's always covered with food and dirt as well. If my memory is serving to me right, we've been to their house once for a homeschool tie-dye activity and it was THE most filthy/cluttered house I've seen. While I think they are nice, I know that this affects how I feel about my children spending time there.

 

So, what do you say in this situation? I hate feeling like I'm making it hard for my kids to have friends.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would say "We don't do overnights" (or "An overnight wouldn't work for us.") but "___________ would love to come over and spend the evening with you. Would 8 pm be a good time to pick her up?"

[Julie in CA]

I would invite the entire family over for dinner, and then I would assess further contact after that. If I liked the kids, I would do sleep-overs, but probably have them over to our house, not the other way around.

 

As for the torn/stained/dirty/unbrushed look, I'm probably guilty of that with my kids a bit. We are a farm family, with a lot of kids, and I just don't invest very much money in new clothing for each kid. My kids are sometimes stained, but pretty much always clean. The hair gets washed every day or every other day, but only brushed...sometimes. It's hit or miss. My girls have tons and tons of curls that make it look like we haven't brushed, even when we have. :confused: In other words, I probably would try to be open-minded about how they look, as long as they're reasonably good smelling and hygienic.

[WTMCassandra]

I agree with dinner first before the overnight. The focus on jumping to overnights seems a little "off" to me. If your Mommy radar is pinging, I highly recommend that you listen to it. You could also have them over to your house.

[JoyfulMama]

Most people don't get to meet my husband. One time I was interviewing a mother's helper (accompanied by her mother), and he walked in from work, COMPLETELY covered in black dirt. If you'd seen him on the street you would have run the other way! He apologized, and excused himself to get a shower. He never saw her again, although she was at the house a number of times. Most of my homeschooling friends have only met my dh in passing, if they have met him at all. He isn't comfortable in large groups, and isn't very outgoing.

 

If you want to get to know them better, invite them over. If you feel OK with a your dtr at their house for a couple hours, then allow that. Making a decision now doesn't cement you into a life-long arrangement.

 

People have different standards of living. My dtr has asked that we invite certain families to our house instead of going to theirs. And I have had to teach her how to be respectful about such as well.

[SherryTX]

I have let my kids sleep over other people's houses when I didn't know both parents. It is hard some times today to get a chance to meet both and get to know them better. If you have a good opinion of one of the parents (as in, you think they will keep your kid safe), than I think it is reasonable to trust them with your child.

 

However, if you are feeling uneasy, I agree with the person that stated you should invite them over to dinner. It could either put you at ease, or confirm that you should be uneasy.

[Sophia]

This has happened to me several times (my dc want to be friends with everyone:tongue_smilie:)

I usually wait it out to see if they really have found a kindred spirit.

If so, then I'll usually call the mom and say something like" You have such sweet children and my dc would really like to spend some more time with them. Can I have you and your dc over for lunch this week so they can play and we can get to know each other too?"

I don't usually include dads right away~wait to see how the friendship develops.

It always turns out to be a pleasant time for all of us and I don't have to worry about sending my dc somewhere I'm not sure of yet.

[katilac]

The slovenly part wouldn't bother me too much, not with kids that age. I wouldn't want my toddler in a filthy house, but your 9 yr old isn't going to be putting stuff in her mouth (one would hope). Not knowing the mom well would bother me far more.

 

I'd give them a break on the ratty appearance; we all have different standards and I know my poor m-i-l would be horrified to see the way my kids run around sometimes.

 

As far as how you get to know the parents, I'd simply invite them over. Have the mom and kids over for a planned activity, have the kids over for a playdate, etc etc.

 

I myself wouldn't invite the whole family over for dinner, but we are misanthropic. We hardly ever invite the people we DO know over for dinner, and the chances of us accepting an invitation to dinner from folks we barely know is slim to none. That's just not a fun way for dh to spend his precious evenings, so don't read anything into it if they don't accept such an invitation.

 

Plus, it seems like a lot of extra trouble - - it would be much easier to get the down-low on mom thru park days, playdates, etc.

 

What I would do is quit turning down the invites one by one, and just straight forwardly say that you rarely do sleepovers. It's not fair to any of the kids to keep the possibility dangling, kwim? My kids never get upset because they know going in that they aren't going to sleep at anyone's house.

 

It's fine if you allow it with other people, just say, "I'm going to have to say no. We rarely do sleepovers, it's just not our thing, but maybe y'all can come over for a playdate instead?"

[katilac]

I also meant to say that I don't find it odd at all that they jump from park days to sleepovers, or perhaps I should say that I don't find it unusual.

 

Lots of people are fine with that, they don't think twice about sleepovers with casual or new friends.

[Impish]

I wouldn't allow a sleep over with a family I'd just brushed up against a few times at the park.

 

To get to know them better, I'd make a point of meeting up for more play dates, maybe have mom over for coffee, etc.

 

As for the 'slovenly'...I'm treading a bit carefully here. Princess, my youngest has uber fine baby hair. It mats and tangles from a nap. Or wearing a hat. I'm constantly brushing her hair, trying to make her look cared for. Wolf on the other hand, will just shrug and take her out. He brushes her hair in the morning, figures thats good to go if he's taking her out before noon, despite the fact that she's looking wild again, lol! As for the stained clothing...they're at the park. I let my kids wear grubbies to the park, because if at all possible, they're going to get completely filthy while they're there. I prefer that they wear something stained than a good outfit.

 

I can also tell you that right now, my home is a disaster. I was injured at work almost a year ago now, and have lost most of the use of my right hand and arm, and have severe chronic pain as well. That leaves most of the housework falling to Wolf...you can imagine how well THAT works :001_huh:

 

I'm just saying...not everything is always as it seems on the surface. The day you were at their house, they may have all just gotten over the flu. You never know. And judging someone just on appearances, rather than getting to know them better, might cost you a really good friendship...and your kids too. :001_smile:

[klmama]

I don't even let my children play at homes where I don't know the parents! There's no way they'd sleep over! We just don't do sleepovers unless dh and/or I are there, too.

 

Do you really want to get to know them better, or are you just wondering how people do that? We tend to do playdates together in homes. If I see a loving family, a patient mom with a kind spirit, a happy home, I can overlook a lot of mess. Some people are just messy. I generally don't try to develop friendships just from a twice yearly meeting, though - I need more overlap in living to really want to work toward a friendship. If they attended my church, took lessons at the same place, were in the same co-op, etc., I'd be more inclined to put the effort into it.

[Mommyof4ks]

I agree with the invite to dinner. We have only let the kids stay with neighbors mainly because of proximity lol, but we have several friends that we would trust in a heartbeat with our kids and others that we probably would if we got to know them through dinners or something.

 

My DD9 LOVES sleep overs. It is something about this age that has turned on the light for this to be quite fun. Our house, their house, it does not matter as long as they are together.

[Stacy in NJ]

I wouldn't do a sleep over until you get to know them better. I don't necessarily think you need to invite the whole family over for dinner. I would suggest some afternoon playdates for 2 - 4 hours. Have their kids over to your house, let your dd visit their house. Over the course of time doing this you'll be able to see if you really do want to pursue a closer friendship.

 

A very dirty house would bother me.:confused:

[Peek a Boo]

another vote for getting to know them better.

you are at the "acquaintance" level.

 

My idea of "knowing" them would include hanging or talking w/ the mom several times a week over the course of at least several months [w/ specific opportunities to find out critical info], more trips as a family to their house and invites to our house [to see how they react on different turfs], and trying to at least get a feel for the other spouse. I would invite the whole family over for dinner, but whether the kids slept over wouldn't necessarily hinge on that ;)

 

another vote for the "we rarely do sleepovers...yadda yadda..." up front.

 

The appearance wouldn't bother me so much as the attitude: are the kids happy? does mom seem attentive in other areas: are the children [fairly] well behaved?

[joannqn]

Everyone has been so helpful with their thoughts. Thanks so much.

 

I was trying to gauge whether it was just me because I know I tend to be more on the cautious, protective side of things than normal. I'm MUCH easier going than I used to be.

 

That said, my kids have only spent the night at three other homes. One of those we knew for almost a year and saw them several times a week first. The other one was a family from church that we didn't know at all; it was a birthday party where the cousins were staying the night and DD got invited to stay last minute. DH had taken her to the party and felt fine with it after spending a few hours there. They've also spent the night with a friend of mine (no kids) during an emergency.

 

I'll email her (the only way I know how to contact her) and give her the "we rarely do sleepovers, how about playdates instead" thing.

 

About the mess...this was truly a VERY messy house...not an everyone was sick for the past week or two kind of mess. It was truly...ick...to the point that I didn't want to sit or touch anything. My house isn't very clean so it's not like I expect perfection.

[Nestof3]

I just wanted to mention that we know a few families who are fabulous -- I would leave my children there for a weekend if I needed to. I trust them that much, but they are far dirtier than my children and their house is much dirtier than ours. It has actually been a little hard to handle at times. There are many children, not a lot of money, and they have farms and lots of dirt without grass on the property.

 

But, they are the most upright families I know.

 

But, we don't do sleepovers until they are of driving age, and then it only happens rarely. For example, Aaron would attend a paintball game at the house of friends of the family, and he would want to be there at the crack of dawn and the family lives 45 minutes away.

[Danestress]

that we don't really do a lot of sleepovers and that we prefer to pick the kids up so that they get a good night sleep in their own bed and aren't so cranky in the morning.

 

My kids have one friend they sleep over with. I don't feel at all obliged to extend the circle of people who keep my kids overnight. My boys are a team and they look out for each other and I am not really worried about someone hurting them, but I just think sleep overs are sort of a pain. I like my kids to sleep in their beds.