Please help me with ADHD and socialisation

[worriedmum]

I've posted this on the special need board too. First, a bit of background. We have decided to homeschool our almost 4 year old who we think may have ADHD. He is very bright and curious and enthuiastic. But he is also defiant, impulsive, verbally aggressive and physically rough when he plays with other children. He has the ability to annoy other children within seconds of playing with them due to not respecting their personal space and being very loud and off the wall with his comments. Eg. "I'm going to chop your head off" (he's not even being aggressive sometimes when he makes these kind of comments!)

 

When he went to preschool he used to run around most of the time and would want to play rough with the other children, pushing and wanting to wrestle. To start with the staff felt that he wasn't being aggressive but was very boisterous and enjoyed the rough and tumble - unfortunately he didn't/couldn't distinguish other kids who also wanted to play "rough". Anyway, his behaviour grew increasingly aggressive at preschool, partly (we felt) due to him not fitting in and getting very stressed out with other children not liking him. So we decided to withdraw him.

 

Homeschooling is something we were vaguely considering but we now feel that it would currently be the best option for him. Children here in the UK start school just after they've turned 4 so he'd have to go very soon. We are worried that at school his behaviour would spiral and he would become a real trouble maker. Also he would also be an easy target for bullies as he's quite naive. At home I can constantly reinforce, encourage and discipline him to encourage good behaviour and respect for others.

 

Anyway .... I've had a lot of comments from family about how he's ever going to learn to fit in with other kids, play with them and not annoy them. I'm fairly cut off here as not many other parents homeschool and he doesn't have many friends apart from his one younger brother.

 

My question is ... did you other parents out there with ADHD kids find that homeschooling helped them or hindered them with learning to mix with other children? Can I really teach him those social rules like personal space without him learning first-hand how much he can annoy others? I always try to be really calm and patient with him but other kids who aren't used to him won't be! He needs to eventually learn to mix with them.

 

Please help as I feel really stressed and don't really know anyone else who's been through this before!

[Jennefer@SSA]

First of all, hugs to you and lots of them. Having walked the path you are currently on, I can never get enough of them.

 

I am currently homeschooling our oldest who has ADHD (raging and according to our developmental pedi is one of the most severe cases she has ever dealt with) and was recently diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome as well. The ADHD is so severe that it took awhile to get to the Asperger dx b/c the ADHD is so in your face; most people couldn't see past that to the other issues we had.

 

All that to say, homeschooling has been a huge blessing in this sense. If I would have put ds(almost 8) in school then yes he would have been around many, many more children but it would have created even more problems than we are currently dealing with. As it is, I can be there to coach him each step along the way. I am there on play dates to support him and make the time more fun and successful for all. I am able to talk with the parent's of some of ds's friends to explain some of ds's quirks so their child can be properly prepared. My friends have been very supportive of this as it has greatly increased understanding among my ds's peer group.

 

I am starting to use a social skills curriculum (Social Skills Training) to further help ds as well. I am using another book by the same author to support our social skills training as well: The Social Skills Picture Book.

 

Both of these books are designated for children with Asperger's/Autism but also for children with Social-Communication problems. Much of what's in these books would be very applicable for an ADHDer as well as many behaviors can be similar between an Aspie and a severe ADHD'er. I just thought I would share those resources as I have found them to be fantastic. We are just starting on them but I have been very impressed with the kinds of skills my ds is learning.

 

And that is the kind of help and support my ds could never have gotten in ps. Please feel free to email me if you have any other questions or concerns or just need to scream now and then. A supportive network of those who know the road you walk can be a lifesaver when homeschooling a special kiddo.

 

Many, many blessings to you!

[Kay in Cal]

My older son (7 years old) is ADHD, very very bright, and also can be aggressive/impusive. He may also have sensory integration issues. The fact that he is big for his age (both tall and heavy) and can flatten the average 7 year old with a quick move also leads to nervousness on my part. He is the giant linebacker to my other son, the fleet slender running back.

 

Homeschooling has been the best thing for us--he would end up in the "bad kids" special ed class in a heartbeat. At home we can manage his outbursts better, and still let him soar academically. In fact, our pediatrician said that homeschooling would be a great option for him, allowing us to make far more accomodations for ADHD than he would receive in school.

 

We do have outside activities, but honestly I still somewhat limit his interactions with large groups of others. As he has gotten older, he is maturing and becoming less disruptive. Frankly, I think that seeing proper adult behavior modeled is much better than thinking that other kids will help him learn proper social behavior.

[Unicorn.]

From my own experiences, I agree with Jennifer and Kay. Homeschooling is the best thing for him. Make sure he gets lots of exercise, and I would watch his diet and see if eliminating certain foods will help. The biggest triggers for my son were/are dairy, corn products ( syrup or even corn on the cob) and red delicious apples. Like Kay said, I would keep his socializing to small groups or individuals for now. He will have plenty of time for socializing, and be more successful at it later.

 

You've got a long road ahead, but your taking the right first step!

[lulubelle]

That is a good question. I'm in my first year of homeschooling my 6 1/2 year old son and we have been struggling through the year with social issues with my undiagnosed child. I think if he didn't have outside classes it would be better. He acts out in piano, swimming and karate! It drives us insane. And, we tell him and we tell him and we tell him what is proper behavior. But, at the same time he has to learn to be in a group. Plus, we really want him to learn these things. But, it is a very long road. I think those books the previous person suggested look great. I just sent the social skills training back to the library and may purchase it. I think less socialization is a good thing - I don't think school will help it. And, as far as learning for this type of child - it seems the one-on-one is best for them. Good luck to you!

[katilac]

I don't have an ADHD child, but I would agree that hs'ing is probably the best choice for you. You will be able to monitor his social situations much more closely, and be there to offer him support and assistance. ime, other hs moms and kids won't think anything about that - - closer supervision is more the norm.

 

You've gotten good advice from experienced moms on ways to teach him social skills, so I'll address issues as the mom of kids he might pay with.

 

My kids are generally more than willing to cut other kids some slack as needed, but that patience evaporates real quick if another child constantly annoys them, and the mom doesn't intervene. And, as a parent, I have little patience when a kid KNOWN to be aggresive/impulsive/etc is unsupervised, and smacks the living heck out of my kid.

 

That means that a child who tends to grab toys and play too roughly is a child who needs to be watched pretty much all the time. It's rough on the parent who can't relax during playtime, but it really makes a difference as to whether the kid in question has social succes or not.

 

edited to add that I wouldn't worry about formal lessons of any sort at this point. he's so young, and I think that lessons require a higher level of interaction than playing - - if he hasn't mastered one, he isn't likely to be ready for the other.

[Kathy in MD]

I'm going to go off on a tangent. I question that your ds even has ADHD based on my ds's personal experience. Or if your ds has it, I would lay odds that he has at least one and possibly 2 or more other problems. Your ds sounds VERY much like my ds at that age and my ds was diagnosed with many problems, but his doctor specifically stated he did not suffer from ADHD.

 

Not recognising personal space, being physically rough and impulsivity are all symptoms of Sensory Processing Disorder or it's older name of Sensory Integration Dysfunction. Other symptoms could include his defiance and loud voice, especially if he is constantly making noise. Is he sensitive to sudden loud noises? I suggest you read The Out-of-Sync Child by Kranowitz for more info. Also the archives on the Special Needs board will have tons of info. SID is treated by therapy by occupational therapists (rarely physical therapists) trained in SID. This is a problem you will very likely have to educate your doctor about. It has become better known in the US since my ds was diagnosed, but there are still large areas without available therapy or doctors not aware of it.

 

The impulsivity could also be caused by a sensitivity to certain foods. A sensitivity doesn't show up immediately after eating the trigger food, but may take several days or longer. The two big culprets for causing impulsivity are the dairy protein Cassien (sp) and wheat. You can test for the dairy sensitivity at home. Do a search on the Special Needs board for dairy sensitivities under my name for instructions on how to test for it. I'm sorry, but I don't know how to test for wheat. We stopped testing after we discovered that dairy was the culprit for my ds. A good book for general food allergies is Is This Your Child? by Rupp.

 

The inappropriate language could be the result of auditory processing problems when combined with his loudness, probably expressive or receptive language difficulties. It could also be the result of other developmental problems I don't have experience with.

 

There could be several other problems involved as well. A good exam by a doctor experienced with a variety of developmental problems could be more helpful than just homeschooling (I know, that's heresy here. But homeschooling doesn't cure strep throat or cancer and the problems I've discussed are physical problems, not educational though they can affect education and emotional health)

 

Now having urged you to have your dc diagnosed by a specialist in developmental problems, homeschooling can be good a situation for your dc. You can arrange your school schedule and load around therapy. You can watch his diet more carefully. And your ds can avoid some of the negative reactions while learning how to handle his body in space, his loudness and other problems. I didn't start to uncover my ds's problems until he was 7 and he still bears the emotional scars.

[worriedmum]

Thanks for all the hugs and encouragement. :001_smile: I needed that ... I've been having a bad week this week and on top family have been very critical of homeschooling!

 

Not recognising personal space, being physically rough and impulsivity are all symptoms of Sensory Processing Disorder or it's older name of Sensory Integration Dysfunction.

 

 

We'll have to look into that, although DS is also often very hyper so this is why we thought ADHD

[Jennefer@SSA]

I wanted to add that Kathy's advice is very solid! Most kids have more than one issue going on. My ds has Asperger's, ADHD and SPD/SID. It's hard to tell them apart at times as they can all work together and wreak havoc on a little boy's life - and his family's as well. I would definitely suggest getting a solid child developmental expert to evaluate him. Many of the things can be treated similarly but it will still help you to know exactly what you are dealing with.

 

And I am so sorry you have not had the support of your family. That just breaks my heart. We have some family members who.just.don't.understand - and the sad part is that they don't even try. Thankfully, they don't live near us so we don't deal with them all that often. You are on the right track and your son will be blessed for your efforts.

[kellycbr]

Thanks for all the hugs and encouragement. :001_smile: I needed that ... I've been having a bad week this week and on top family have been very critical of homeschooling!

 

 

 

We'll have to look into that, although DS is also often very hyper so this is why we thought ADHD

 

 

I'm sorry to hear your family isn't supportive right now. Just hang tight. You received some great advice here. Have him professionaly evaluated so you get the tools you need to help him succeed. (Speaking of which, I'm planning on doing this for my DS). Once you have the tools, and some time to adjust to HSing, your family will probably turn around. My family and relative all replied "You're homeschooling? You? You're going to teach him?" Now they all sing my DS praise about what an amazing kid he is and what a good job we're doing. (Whew!) Just give it time, and focus on helping your DS.

 

Hugs to you!:grouphug:

 

Kelly