Homeschooler needs help with social skills!

[Erica in PA]

LOL, I have two homeschooled children who have excellent social skills, so I know it's not a "homeschooling problem" per se, but my 12 yos is having some problems in this area, and I'm at a loss for how to help him.

 

Basically he is an intelligent, good-natured, very obedient, respectful young man...we never really have to correct him at all, let alone discipline him... but seems to have no ability at all to reach out to others. He is not shy, has no problem answering questions in a class, or speaking in front of a group, giving a speech, singing a solo, etc.-- but when it comes to striking up a conversation with someone, he just has no interest.

 

For example, when he's in the car when dh picks up two other boys on the way to youth group, my ds says nothing to them. For the entire 30 minute car ride, each way. Doesn't even say hello unless reminded immediately beforehand. Or when we joined a new co-op last fall, it was about 6 weeks before he knew *anyone's* name at all. He was just going into each class and listening to the teacher, period. I finally gave him an assignment that he had to find out the names of at least two people each week and tell me about them afterward. He did that as I asked, but still doesn't know some of the kids in his classes, and there are less than 10 in each class. He doesn't know some of his *teacher's* names! 27 weeks later!! It's like he's just all business, all the time. Totally task oriented, not at all people oriented.

 

When we ask him about it later, why he didn't talk to someone, etc., he always says he just didn't think about it. And I actually believe him about that, because I know that he's not a shy child. I don't think he's behaving this way because he's feeling awkward or embarrassed, but because he's truly not thinking about other people at all. It's like a huge blind spot for him.

 

He has two friends, and he gets along fine with them, but he doesn't seem interested in making any more friends.

 

We want to help him develop empathy, and the ability to reach out to people, to help *them* feel comfortable, to show them that he cares about them. Are there any books that address this sort of issue? Does anyone else have a child like this?

[katemary63]

I don't have a book suggestion, but I'd just like to say that it is great that you are so connected to your kid that you noticed this; and that you want to help him do better with it. I really think a lot of parents would have just not done either thinking, well, he'll do a speech without much hassle, he has two friends, that's good enough, that all seems normal.

I do believe you that it is just like a "blind spot" and that he is probably not "shy". I don't think that is all that abnormal or uncommon. You could look at it as a "manners" thing at times. It really isn't polite to be the "host" and not converse with your guests or to be a guest and not converse with your host. That is what I would say about the car ride scenario. Give him suggestions of how to start small talk conversations. Giving him that assignment in class was a good idea!

A book is a good idea and I’m sure someone will suggest a good one. ( I've always heard that "How to Win Friends and Influence People" was a great book and it seems like there might be some tips in there for this situation, but I've never read it so....) But also, if you just keep an eye on this over time and encourage and train him here and there, I’m sure this will work itself out and he will be fine. He sounds like a great kid.

[dragons in the flower bed]

We want to help him develop empathy, and the ability to reach out to people, to help *them* feel comfortable, to show them that he cares about them. Are there any books that address this sort of issue? Does anyone else have a child like this?

 

Teaching Your Child Sensitivity by Linda and Richard Eyre has a boatload of activities and lessons on just precisely these things. My eight-year-old can be like that. I taught the Daydreamer (all my kids, actually) to always aim to ask at least three questions about how a person has been, or mention three things about the other person, before they start talking about themselves. This wards off silence. They hardly ever remember to do it, but if your child is a good rule-follower, this one would probably help with the issue.

[MamaT]

My second ds has always been like this. I think it is more of a personality issue. He just never has been and never will be a people person. He is very intelligent, well-mannered, can converse about anything, etc., but was never interested in having a lot of friends. He has always just had a couple of close friends. He is also very task oriented vs. people oriented.

 

He had a summer job in high school working as a cashier at Best Buy. Dealing with people all day drained him. He asked to be moved to the warehouse! He would rather work in the middle of the night by himself than deal with people all day. :001_smile:

 

Your son sounds like a great kid. Maybe that is just his personality? As long as he was well-mannered to people, I wouldn't worry too much.

[Melinda in VT]

Take a look at The Unwritten Rules of Friendship. (My only hesitation is that I don't know if it addresses the issue of not wanting to initiate contact. That's not one of my kids' issues.)

 

It identifies personality issues/types and then provides specific rules and exercises to help kids practice those rules. For example, and I know this isn't your kid's issue, one of the rules I've had to teach one of my kids is "If no one is looking at you or responding to what you are saying, no one is listening" and its related rule "If no one is listening, stop talking."

 

Another one is "The best way to join a group is to ask a question about what they are doing, not give an answer" (paraphrasing here).

[plimsoll]

I personally found Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People to contain good advice and techniques for interacting with others.

[Jen in PA]

This sounds a lot like my DH, actually. He isn't shy -- people, conversations, etc. don't make him uncomfortable. they just aren't essential for him. I am always amazed at the ways that he finds to do people-oriented things without any of the toucky-feely stuff I usually associate with that sort of thing. He volunteers for a couple of community fundraisers each year, mostly finding behind-the-scenes ways to participate. He rehabilitates used computers to give to families that don't have a computer, which lets him use his own time and space to do for others. It sounds like your ds is a great person, and I have a feeling that as he gets older he will find ways that allow him use his inner strengths and preferences to reach out to others in a way that feels natural and comfortable to him.

 

This book may sound like a strange suggestion, but Raising Your Spirited Child has a great section on the needs of introverts versus the needs of extroverts. Although I read it as a parenting resource, I have found it to be very helpful in understanding my DH.

[Sophia]

I wasn't homeschooled yet was very much the way you describe your son.

It wasn't until several people (separately) told me I come across as rude that I made an effort to change.

I was truly horrified to hear that was how I was perceived because it was never my intent to be rude.

Then, after thinking about it, I realized it is rude to not make an effort to interact with the people around me.

As other poster's have said, it's great that you are so in tune with him that you can help him address this now.

[Joanne]

You just described *me*. As someone else mentioned, when I read your post, I was thinking "introvert". Now, I am 43 and understand how my conserving energy by limiting chat can be seen as self centered; but that is not my intention when I avoid "small talk". I just don't have the desire or energy and it drains me. In fact, on a gut level, I don't get the point. Enough healthy, normal people do it that I will grant it's part of normal social interaction so I make a point when I can.

[katemary63]

I just don't have the desire or energy and it drains me. In fact, on a gut level, I don't get the point.

 

Funny! This is my DH. Early in our dating relationship, we went to the grocery store together. While in line at the check out, I started chatting with the lady in front of me. My DH, then boyfriend, promptly left the store - just walked away and out the door. I was dumbfounded!

 

Outside, he says, "WHY did you start talking to that woman?"

Huh???? What do you mean, WHY?? I dont' get it????

 

I say, "Why did you leave the store?"

He says, "Because you started talking to a total stranger for no reason!"

 

Huh???? No reason?? What???

 

It's amazing we ever got married! Fortunately, I have rubbed off on him a wee bit and he is much more social then he used to be (in his own special way). LOL For him, social interaction takes energy and is draining like you say it is for you. For me, I've got all this "social energy" that HAS to come out. Hip hip horray if I can find a victim to unleash it on! At least he doesn't walk away in the store anymore when I talk to a stranger.

:lol::lol:

 

Everyone is different. It's a good thing.

 

Edited to add: My DH does acknowledge that his resistance to social interaction is something that, for the sake of the Gospel, he sould at least work on improving. How do you share your love of Christ without interacting with others? How do you get to know someone well enough so that you CAN share his beliefs or help them with needs etc. unless you interact with them? So he does try as he feels God has led him too. After all, RELATIONSHIP is what it's all about and that requires interaction.

Edited April 1, 2009 by katemary63

[Erica in PA]

I don't have a book suggestion, but I'd just like to say that it is great that you are so connected to your kid that you noticed this; and that you want to help him do better with it. I really think a lot of parents would have just not done either thinking, well, he'll do a speech without much hassle, he has two friends, that's good enough, that all seems normal.

 

I do believe you that it is just like a "blind spot" and that he is probably not "shy". I don't think that is all that abnormal or uncommon. You could look at it as a "manners" thing at times. It really isn't polite to be the "host" and not converse with your guests or to be a guest and not converse with your host. That is what I would say about the car ride scenario. Give him suggestions of how to start small talk conversations. Giving him that assignment in class was a good idea!

 

A book is a good idea and I’m sure someone will suggest a good one. ( I've always heard that "How to Win Friends and Influence People" was a great book and it seems like there might be some tips in there for this situation, but I've never read it so....) But also, if you just keep an eye on this over time and encourage and train him here and there, I’m sure this will work itself out and he will be fine. He sounds like a great kid.

 

 

Thank you! That is encouraging to hear. I think you're right, it is a manners thing. I will keep on giving him assignments, and hopefully reaching out to others will become more natural for him. One suggestion dh and I had was for him to ask other kids at youth group for updates on prayer requests they had given the previous week. You know, "Hey, Sam, how are you? Hey, how is your grandma doing? I remember last week you said she was in the hospital." Seems so obvious to us, but ds would not think of that on his own.

[Erica in PA]

Teaching Your Child Sensitivity by Linda and Richard Eyre has a boatload of activities and lessons on just precisely these things. My eight-year-old can be like that. I taught the Daydreamer (all my kids, actually) to always aim to ask at least three questions about how a person has been, or mention three things about the other person, before they start talking about themselves. This wards off silence. They hardly ever remember to do it, but if your child is a good rule-follower, this one would probably help with the issue.

 

Thank you, I will look for that book! Sounds like it has the kids of ideas we really need.

[Erica in PA]

 

What we are doing is a lot of reminding and coaching. We are giving him "scripts" to use in social situations. He rolls his eyes but I make him practice what to do when meeting people or what you do when someone comes to the door or you would like to start a conversation with someone at church. Practice, practice , practice.

 

Yep, I think that is what will help ds too. Lots of reminding and coaching, and practicing. Thanks for posting!

[Erica in PA]

Take a look at The Unwritten Rules of Friendship.

 

 

 

Okay, will do! Thank you for the suggestion!

[Erica in PA]

Thanks, to everyone who posted that they, or someone close to them, has this kind of personality. It is encouraging to know that he is not the only one who is this way. I guess I might have been a little bit that way when I was younger, but not to the extreme that ds is. Thank you all for posting!

[JFSinIL]

Sounds like my son....and myself. Not everyone is gregarious. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Now will you folks all stop chattering so I can think!;) (My in-laws desire to sit at the table and TALK for a hour after a meal drives me NUTS!!!!)

[WTMindy]

. I taught the Daydreamer (all my kids, actually) to always aim to ask at least three questions about how a person has been, or mention three things about the other person, before they start talking about themselves.

 

Great advice!

[Pongo]

My second ds has always been like this. I think it is more of a personality issue. He just never has been and never will be a people person. He is very intelligent, well-mannered, can converse about anything, etc., but was never interested in having a lot of friends. He has always just had a couple of close friends. He is also very task oriented vs. people oriented.

 

He had a summer job in high school working as a cashier at Best Buy. Dealing with people all day drained him. He asked to be moved to the warehouse! He would rather work in the middle of the night by himself than deal with people all day. :001_smile:

 

Your son sounds like a great kid. Maybe that is just his personality? As long as he was well-mannered to people, I wouldn't worry too much.

 

:iagree::iagree: Sounds like a personality difference, not a problem.

I like being around people, but I am not one to start a conversation, I'll join in, but it's not like me to strike up conversations. My dh thought I was a snob, before he actually got to know me and realized, it's just the way I am. My dd is EXACTLY like this.

 

She likes talking to her friends and actually does much better with 1 friend at a time them several. She also doesn't like long periods with friends or people she doesn't know very well. After being in a group for about 30 minutes I always see her, sneak away to read or sit quietly or even play with her siblings. The reason I see her sneak away is because I am usually already there!

 

I actually get mentally tired trying to talk about random stuff, it's weird I feel like I need to decompress, if that makes any sense at all. My bf will go, on and on and on and on...get the point:). I'll tell her I need to go and she will just keep talking. I actually start to get a headache:001_huh:. It's weird because I really love her but I get utterly exhausted:).

 

I really think it's a matter of personality. My dd is a Division 1 soccer player,smart, obedient, my easiest kid and a leader on the field. The other parents think my dd is so mature. I think because she doesn't enjoy all the over the top stuff. Like singing at the top of you lungs in the car, or hugging every member on the team as if you haven't seem them for a year(she sees them 4 times a week..lol), the stuff that you EXPECT from kids.

 

My ds would spend every waking moment in the company of others, he loves to socialize. But my dd is low-key, likes to be alone equally if not more. My ds would just curl up and wither away is he didn't see a friend a couple times a week:tongue_smilie:

 

Your ds sounds like a great kid, that is just plain satisfied with hanging around.