lmrich Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I hope I don't offend anyone. My neighbor's grandson is autistic (pretty much non-verbal) and their granddaughter is one of my daughter's best friends. The problem is that the grandson comes into our home without knocking and runs around. He loves fans and has broken two of ours. He has destroyed some lego projects (no big deal) and has eaten all of my son's bubblegum and lot of his Halloween candy. The worst was when he watched my older daughter (his same age of 9) in the shower. The mother of this son has complained that some of her neighbors (she lives in a different neighborhood) have been cruel to her son, won't let him come inside thier house, lock him out etc. I told her about what he did, including the shower bit and she defended him saying he doesn't mean any harm. I get that, but he is causing harm unintentionally. How can I discuss with her appropriate boundaries without upsetting her? She is a very sweet person, but sometimes hard to talk to, or should I talk to the grandparents because that who is usually in "charge" of him while he comes into my house uninvited. There have been many occasions that they don't know that the 9 year old is at my house and have to come looking for him. There is a pool nearby and it makes me very nervous to think about that (the mother said that the son loves water and that is why he watched my daughter in the shower, and yes she was screaming at him the entire time to go away). I don't want my youngest daughter to lose a friend, his sister, over this, so please help me find the words or a solution. thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 The child's behavior is inappropriate. I would tell the grandparents and the parents immediately. It is absolutely not safe for this child to be roaming around the neighborhood alone. Traffic, bodies of water, lawn chemicals, there's no end to the dangers he could find. I imagine very few of the homes are child-proofed for a child with his issues, nor should your children ever have to put up with such a violation of their privacy. And Heaven forbid, what might happen if the child wondered into a house where the adults were...the type the rest of us strive to keep away from our children? Sounds to me like the care givers are tired and have given up. Now they want it to be someone else's responsibility to keep this child safe and that is just wrong. This seems to be verging on criminal neglect in my book. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I have a son with autism (17 now). I moderate an Illinois yahoogroups for parents of same (about 400 members). NO ONE would tolerate their kid with autism going into anyone else s home. Not only is it not right - what if the kid choose to enter the home of a child molester? What if he continues this behavior as a teen and then adult - !!!!!!!! Does this boy live with the grandma or just visit her (babysat there?) Either way - he needs more supervision to prevent his wandering, much less entering other folk's homes. It would be OK to contact the local police (non-emergency) and ask them for help - esp. if the boy wanders into a bathroom while a girl is in the shower. A meeting with Grandma, the Mom and police might be in order to discuss how to retrain the boy to not enter other folk's home. He will need CONSISTENT redirection - if he enters your home he must be IMMEDIATELY removed. Perhaps everyone could agree on some standard commands to use (like "'Billy' leave this house.) He must NOT be allowed to wander at will for his own and others safety. And he needs to be taught this NOW while he is still a child or the mom and grandma will have a real problem!!! Does the mom have the boy in any therapy such as behavior modification (ABA) - his therapists (or school personnel!!) could also help come up with a plan to teach the boy safer, more appropriate behavior. Hope this helps. http://www.autism-society.org/site/PageServer You can contact your local Autism Society of America for more help or information. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Let me preface this by saying that I have NO personal experience with autistic children. While I may be compassionate to this boy's situation, the safety and privacy of my family (AND the boy) would trump any concern I had about hurting this family’s feelings. I would put a stop to his unsupervised visits TODAY! New rule: "Billy" is NOT ALLOWED in your home without permission and continuous supervision. Of course, implementing the new rule would be done with as much kindness and tact as possible, but it would be done immediately. Surely, you can kindly impress upon the grandmother the need for the child to be safe! Tell her he is unsafe wondering the neighborhood alone! Explain to her the new rule is for him as much as for everyone else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dooley Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 My brother is autistic. There would never be a time when our mom would have allowed my brother out into the neighborhood alone. Never. She knew his potential for harm. I would tell this mom that for his safety and the safety of everyone else in YOUR home, he cannot come over unattended. You cant be responsible for him and its your job to make decisions regarding your family and any interactions. I would walk to boy back home when he comes over. Unfortunately, it might need to come to a head, if the mom cant see the difficulties and harm it could create. Its ok to say no to this child! :D He needs some boundaries!! Would you say no to any other child who behaved like this? Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Thanks for the advice. I do say no to him and he just echos back no to me. Interestingly he "listens" to the cat or dog's warnings very quickly. I will just walk him out of the house next time and take him next door and discuss with his grandparents about his boundaries. Thanks for helping me see this as protecting him and not about me being snippy about bubblegum and fans. I was quite angry about the shower incident, but really the mom made me feel silly for suggesting that her son was inapporpriate, but really she should have seen it from my daughter's point of view. Thanks again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
specialmama Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Poor kid. My son has autism, and I agree, this child should NEVER be left unattended. Children with autism have no fear, and no understanding of safety or consequences. It is quite likely that it is true, the boy was watching the water, but that does not mean it is appropriate behavior to watch someone showering. Just saying that it was not a voyeur/se^ual thing. Can I offer a suggestion? Parents of these kids are often beyond drained, and honestly TIRED of hearing negative reports. We've had to force ourselves to be fighters, and it's hard to turn that off. There is a gentle way to approach this mother, a way that I believe will work best from my experiences... instead of getting into it here, please read my blog archives from March 2008, esp a post called "Celebrating a Circle Peg in a Square Hole"... http://karynspoogmaster.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I feel your pain. We have an autistic 3yo in our neighborhood that also runs around without supervision. I don't get it either. Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I was quite angry about the shower incident, but really the mom made me feel silly for suggesting that her son was inapporpriate, but really she should have seen it from my daughter's point of view. Thanks again. That mom is in denial and it could possibly hurt her son in the long run. His disability is not an excuse to do inappropriate things. If he was an adult and he wandered into someone's bathroom to watch them in the shower, he could be arrested. She's doing no favors to her son by not establishing boundaries. And if he really doesn't understand the boundaries, he should not be in an environment that doesn't have a responsible adult watching him all the time. I sure hope they don't put that responsibility on the sister!! Sounds to me like he should be in a caregiver type situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
specialmama Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 His disability is not an excuse to do inappropriate things. His disability explains why he does inappropriate things. She's doing no favors to her son by not establishing boundaries. I do agree that the mother or caregiver should be responsible... however, it needs to be understood that "establishing boundries" with a child with autism is EXCEEDINGLY difficult, if not impossible. It takes MONTHS to teach how to use a spoon, when that is mastered, you could then spend months teaching how to pull on pants, then how to kiss goodnight... things every other parent takes for granted. These things need to be learned incidentally, in natural context. So... to teach not to watch someone shower? I'm sorry... there's just no (likely) incidental training for that one. Goals are set for these kids one at a time, in sequential order, skill upon skill, and it takes a loooong time to master each of them. The "establishment of boundries" for the average child with autism is a draining, daunting task on already stressed and misunderstood parents, and it will be a work in progress for the parents' entire life. Full and successful establishment of boundries may never be realised. Sorry, this is a touchy subject to me... but I'm a mom who works darn hard to help her boy be the best he can be. It saddens me that that's just not enough for someone else. So I don't mean to sound snarky, I just want to present the other side. Anyhoo, here's my 2-cent-solution: Supervision for the boy and a locked washroom door for the girl. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly IN Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 I have an autistic dd. I would want to be told if my dd did this type of behavior you (OP) described. It is inappropriate. I always make sure I know where my dd is at all times. I do encourage you to talk to them. I would invite them over for coffee and dessert then talk to them about this. State your concern for the child's safety. Feel free to use me as a reference in stating you talked to a mom whose dd has autism. This is disturbing!! Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly IN Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 (edited) His disability explains why he does inappropriate things. I do agree that the mother or caregiver should be responsible... however, it needs to be understood that "establishing boundries" with a child with autism is EXCEEDINGLY difficult, if not impossible. It takes MONTHS to teach how to use a spoon, when that is mastered, you could then spend months teaching how to pull on pants, then how to kiss goodnight... things every other parent takes for granted. These things need to be learned incidentally, in natural context. So... to teach not to watch someone shower? I'm sorry... there's just no (likely) incidental training for that one. Goals are set for these kids one at a time, in sequential order, skill upon skill, and it takes a loooong time to master each of them. The "establishment of boundries" for the average child with autism is a draining, daunting task on already stressed and misunderstood parents, and it will be a work in progress for the parents' entire life. Full and successful establishment of boundries may never be realised. Sorry, this is a touchy subject to me... but I'm a mom who works darn hard to help her boy be the best he can be. It saddens me that that's just not enough for someone else. So I don't mean to sound snarky, I just want to present the other side. Anyhoo, here's my 2-cent-solution: Supervision for the boy and a locked washroom door for the girl. :001_smile: I understand this. However I make it my business to know where my child is. Establishing boundaries is very important for children with autism. It MUST be learned. My dd do not know all of her boundaries. This is where teaching her day in and day out comes in. The OP is just asking how to approach this. She is not the boy's babysitter. Boundaries must be established and learned. I know this may be taken the wrong way. I have read of many incidents of people with autism going to jail because they violated simple boundaries. ETA: My dd has autism and I agree with the others about this is not an excuse. Holly Edited April 1, 2009 by Holly IN Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dooley Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 Was it mentioned that many kids are functioning at different levels? My brother for instance, can go potty (but should not be trusted, swirlies and all :)), can lay down quietly in another room (but really, cant be quite trusted not to...ahemm...entertain himself), cant talk, but can make his needs known, and is impervious to pain and is legally blind. He would stare at the sun or any bright moving object for hours. Other kids/adults can even live on their own and be high functioning, speak and hold jobs. Maybe this young man is high functioning, so the mom tends to want to treat him as a more "normal" child. Its hard being the parent of a special needs kid, but you are doing her a service - I second the suggestion of talking to her in love and gentleness, but the boundary issue is a MUST. God bless you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 I would speak to both the mother and the grandparents and tell them that the child is not allowed to come to your house unless accompanied by them because you are concerned about your ability to keep him safe. Don't make it about your annoyance with the things he does; make it about your concern for his safety. If, after this discussion, the child continues to be unsupervised, I would notify the authorities. The family is putting this child in harm's way. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 Anyhoo, here's my 2-cent-solution: Supervision for the boy and a locked washroom door for the girl. :001_smile: Supervision, definitely. But the idea that an unrelated child in another house should feel the need to lock the bathroom door to keep a neighbor child out? I don't think so. That isn't so much a problem with the autistic *child's boundaries, but with his caretakers' boundaries. It sounds as though they need to learn some just as much as, if not more than, he does. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 His disability explains why he does inappropriate things. Explains is not the same thing as excuses. I've got an Aspie son and I'm bipolar, so I know what being different is like. But neither my son nor I can break the law or overstep someone else's boundaries. And go back and read where I wrote that if the son truly does not understand boundaries, he should not be in an environment where he can overstep the boundaries. There is NO excuse for inappropriate caregiving whether the child is with or without disabilities of any kind. Period. Sorry, this is a touchy subject to me... but I'm a mom who works darn hard to help her boy be the best he can be. It saddens me that that's just not enough for someone else. So I don't mean to sound snarky, I just want to present the other side. Anyhoo, here's my 2-cent-solution: Supervision for the boy and a locked washroom door for the girl. :001_smile: Yes, I'm sure you do. But if you allowed your son free reign of the neighborhood, including walking into people's homes at will, I would have a serious problem with your idea of caregiving. And that is what the OP is talkin about. I shouldn't need to lock my bathroom door because a neighbor might walk into my house. You honestly do not see a problem with that situation? I don't care what kind of disability someone has, I have a right to privacy in my own home. Mercy me! I'm sorry you are saddened by the realities of life. They are what they are. There are many things that sadden me about my son's life but I can't fathom pushing his special needs onto others when I wouldn't do the same thing for my neuro-typical children. It's a matter of parenting and has nothing to do with whether or not one has disabilities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East Coast Sue Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 I had a neighbor who had an autistic son. He was also known to walk into other people's homes and do some of the things the OP mentioned. He didn't even appear to acknowledge their where other people in this world- so he probably had a moderate to severe case of autism. I never saw the father of the boy. The mother tried to watch her son but as he became older and bigger it was too much for her to handle. Since we've moved I've thought about that family a lot and I wonder just where do you turn for help when you can't take care of a 9 or 10 year old child? I do know of another family who had to terminate their parental rights and place their severely autistic child in an institution but that about broke them to pieces. BTW, I agree that no parent should allow an autistic child to enter another person's home unsupervised, but I also wonder how parents cope when they are unable to provide the care/supervision that is necessary.... My heart goes out to them and yet boundaries are needed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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