newbie Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 Need advice or just a shoulder to lean on. Been married for many years to Egyptian. And through the years assimilation has been tough, maybe its just language barrier. Family events , such as baptisms and others have been tense, on my end. I always feel left out, or shut out. Well, we just lost my fil, god rest his soul and my dh is setting up the funeral, but I am getting shut out again. There is no contact and I think, we, meaning I and dd's are not invited. It doesnt bother me , but it does. I dont know if hes doing to save his sanity or mine. I think if we are there it will add to his stress and he feels like he has to entertain us(which is the case because noone speaks English.) Should I just let go and avoid the whole funeral. We did love my fil and the girls loved him too. ON the fence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in CA Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 sorry, no advice, except maybe trying talking to him - but you've probably done that a thousand times I do have hugs though : ):grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: sorry for your loss Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate in Arabia Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 (edited) Because it's your dh's dad, I would let him decide how (and whether) he wants you to participate. If not, maybe you could do something special just you and your kids as kind of a memorial, like spend some quiet time together somewhere special and talk about all the things you liked about fil, that kind of thing? I totally sympathize with you on the left-out bit, it happens to me fairly often with dh's extended family. I don't think they really mean any offense by it, they just don't know how or whether to interact with someone different from their own culture in some instances (and we also have a language barrier). Sometimes I push the issue and it works out fine, sometimes I push it and regret it later. These days I'm more circumspect about it. Edited to add: And I meant to say that I am very sorry for your loss... Edited March 29, 2009 by Kate in Arabia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peri Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 Being middle eastern myself I can say that if you don't show up that will give them an even bigger excuse to say, "You see!" Middle eastern cultures value being VERY strategic and you have to learn how to manouver your way around them. It can be hard but you can do it! There are certainn events where if someone doesn't show up it is considered an insult and that person will no longer consider you a friend: 1. Wedding 2. The birth of a child 3. The purchase of a home 4. Severe ilness 5. Death. It is curicial to your place in this family that you go and if they get annoyed with you don't be afraid to let out the tears and defend your place there maintaining respect for them as well. You can get them to eat out of the palm of your hand but there are certain things you have to learn how to do. -Be very friendly and social ... socializing is very important in this culture ... to the point where it can even be annoying. -Keep tight bonds with immediate family as well as non immediate family members ... send them a post card and pictures every now and then ... they may not understand what is written on them but believe me when I say the action will speak for itself. -Never raise your voice and always be very respectful. Most of the time in this culture a woman who raises her voice is considered to be uneducated trash. Even if they raise their voices you don't. By not raising your voice you have let them know that you are better than they are. Respect for elders is SOOOOO important be the most kind and polite to them. -Learn to defend yourself. If you get blamed for something find a way to put the blame back on them ... be strategic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 You can get them to eat out of the palm of your hand but there are certain things you have to learn how to do. -Be very friendly and social ... socializing is very important in this culture ... to the point where it can even be annoying. -Keep tight bonds with immediate family as well as non immediate family members ... send them a post card and pictures every now and then ... they may not understand what is written on them but believe me when I say the action will speak for itself. -Never raise your voice and always be very respectful. Most of the time in this culture a woman who raises her voice is considered to be uneducated trash. Even if they raise their voices you don't. By not raising your voice you have let them know that you are better than they are. Respect for elders is SOOOOO important be the most kind and polite to them. -Learn to defend yourself. If you get blamed for something find a way to put the blame back on them ... be strategic. Hey, this all works for Indian as well! I would add, try to find something you can share with the female kingpin of the family. With my ex MIL is was cooking (after all, I cooked for her dear boy). You need little language to learn cooking. I happened to love cooking and be good at it, and is was a beacon of warmth between us. That I stuck by him through rehab and cancer (they wanted to forget rehab and cancer) seemed small potatoes compared to the fact I made good Indian food from scratch. (I also loved the music and dressed in Panjabi suits, which went a long way, but it was the hours in the kitchen together than mattered, I think.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peri Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 Hey, this all works for Indian as well! I would add, try to find something you can share with the female kingpin of the family. With my ex MIL is was cooking (after all, I cooked for her dear boy). You need little language to learn cooking. I happened to love cooking and be good at it, and is was a beacon of warmth between us. That I stuck by him through rehab and cancer (they wanted to forget rehab and cancer) seemed small potatoes compared to the fact I made good Indian food from scratch. (I also loved the music and dressed in Panjabi suits, which went a long way, but it was the hours in the kitchen together than mattered, I think.) Believe it or not, this is how you showed her respect. You allowed her to take you under her wing and show you the ropes. When young family members allow older family members to guide them that younger family member is condidered to be smart and is respected for that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newbie Posted March 29, 2009 Author Share Posted March 29, 2009 Thank you all for your sage advice, I knew I can always come here and find support. You guys are so wonderful. I am going to let dh take the wheel and its his call, I am so proactive that is hard for me to sit in the driver seat and be quiet. I do have a valid excuse, I cant walk because I fell really bad the other night,i think I might have broke something and getting around is next to impossible. Thanks for all the hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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