"I'd love to take the easy way out..." OR How can I forget stuff people say?

[unsinkable]

Maybe some of you remember how I struggled with the decision to send our son to a Catholic prep high school in the fall. I am still sad/sick/nervous/uncertain about it. Yesterday, a friend said that she had heard J. was going to HS. I said, "Yes, and it feels like I've cut off my arms. I can't believe our little school is breaking up."

 

Her answer, "I'd love to take the easy way out and send B. to high school."

 

I get teary-eyed sometimes about sending ds, so she had to see that. I kinda choked out a reply that I still had my dd to get through high school and my younger son is only in 5th.

 

It just hurts to hear that and it keeps replaying in my mind.

 

And another comment from my sister-in-law from Christmas is still in my mind. We had planned to do a gift exchange among each person in the family. We have five so we'd get 5 names to buy for. Well, somehow, I screwed it up and counted my mother-in-law as one of our 5. She should have been separate --- I needed 5 gift exchanges and her gift.

 

I didn't get a present for a nephew. The whole family is opening presents and "J" didn't have a present. People are asking who has J.? I didn't even think it could be me until my sis-in-law said, "Molly." I really was stunned. In my head, I had the 5 presents (b/c I made the mistake of including my mother-n-law, KWIM?) So I am apologizing to my nephew and trying not to cry when my sis-in-law says, "How hard is it? You have 5 people, you buy 5 presents. How can you mess up a gift exchange?"

 

It was awful. And I give all the credit in the world to my nephew who was so gracious and kept saying, don't worry, no big deal. I had made him his fav. dessert and he said he had that. What a good boy!

 

So...how do I get these comments out of my head? It sometimes feels like a broken record is playing and I get flooded with these awful feelings. It's hard to explain.

 

Any advice?

Edited March 28, 2009 by unsinkable

[The Governess]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry! Both of those comments were very insensitive.

 

As to the first, obviously sending your ds to school is *not* easy for you. And even if it were, the easy path isn't necessarily the wrong path.

 

As to the second, I guarantee you aren't the first person to "mess up" a gift exchange. The holidays are a crazy time and it is very easy to forget a gift here and there. I usually do, and I've learned to compensate for my forgetfulness by buying a few extra gift cards just in case. ;)

 

It's so easy to hold onto negative comments. They stick in your mind so much longer than the positive ones. I'm sure for every negative comment you've had directed at you, there have been multiple positive ones that you were thankful for at the time and then promptly forgot!

 

One thing that has helped me deal with negativity like this is to tell myself that if the person issuing the hurtful remark was actually in my shoes (really, truly knew how hard a decision was for me, knew how difficult something was for me, knew how remorseful I was about something), there is no way they would have made the comment they did. This mindset also works the other way; it keeps me from thinking negatively about people based on surface evidence. IMO, most hurtful comments are based on either ignorance or misunderstanding.

[Chris in VA]

:grouphug:

I'm so sorry. People can be so thoughtless and, often unintentionally, mean. I try to remember that old line (which I'll misquote--someone help me out! lol) about how we should remember that everyone has something hard in their life, so extend grace. Perhaps these people who said these things were not aware of the effect their words would have on you.

 

I think you are probably a very sensitive person, and that you would not hurt someone else's feelings for all the world, because you experienced hurt quite deeply. This makes you empathetic--probably a wonderfully kind friend and family member. If so, it would follow that to receive such treatment would carry an unbelievable sting.

 

For me, I have to check my boundaries and my sense of wanting to be in everyone's good graces, and to be perceived as competent. 3 biggies for me! Take your high school stuff, for example. I might be stung by that, but my retort would be, "Oh, it's not easy for me, not at all. I am having a very hard time with it, emotionally." I would not have commented on the academic side, but would have communicated my feelings. (That's me, a bundle of feelings...)

That would have taken the focus off of the sting of the other person saying I was not willing to work hard on my kid's education, and put it on how I was dealing with my decision. It would have been authentic, but set the boundary that I was unwilling to debate my choice.

 

The older I get, the more I try to not take every verbal slip up as personal, and give the benefit of the doubt. I try to extend grace to myself, too, as I feel I sometimes succumb to "foot in mouth" disease.

 

Everyone makes mistakes. Think of yourself as a model of one who both needs grace, and extends it. Words hurt--but they are not all there is. The truth of who you really are is quite powerful. Mistakes do not define us, and other's mistakes should not define them. Your kindness is important in the world, and you can give others the gift of that kindness, even if it is unreturned.

[angieathome]

I think I am overly hurt by the comments of others because I try so hard to do the right thing all of the time. It goes to the heart of my own self-esteem when I mess up, or others think I messed up. I am a people-pleaser, perhaps a bit insecure. So what if your friend thinks you copped out on hs or you forgot to buy a gift? No one but you will even remember either of these things a year from now. And no one's opinion of you has changed substantially as a result; they still love you. When my feelings get hurt by the insensitve comments of others, I try to remember the number of times I have said insenstive things and not realized it until later. A couple of other "sayings" help me: "If you wait until you have a perfect friend, you will never have one." and "You get mad---you'll get glad." These little bumps in the road are just a part of being human. One helpful technique is to replace the negative broken record with a more positive one. I find that my new record needs to be one about how capable I am and how much my friends love me. (My underlying fear is that I am stupid and no one loves me. All insensitive comments play to that fear in me.) This is what works for me. This might not even make sense for you, but I hope you are able to find peace of mind.

[StaceyinLA]

I'm really sorry you have those feelings, but, at the same time I'm glad to hear it. I have this happen to me a LOT, and I was wondering if I was the only person who had that (the comment replaying over and over in my head). It makes me have a lot of sympathy for you, while at the same time feeling a little less like a freak (which I just figured I was) myself.

 

I have never understood why I have taken some of those things so personally that they literally drag me down for MONTHS sometimes. I'm fairly tough on the outside. But I'm REAL soft-hearted and cry easily when I get upset too.

 

Sometimes I wonder if it isn't the wanting to please everyone, or some insecurity I have about being accepted. I don't know. I don't feel like the type who really cares what people think. I'm strong-willed and opinionated, but, at the same time, like to please. Gosh, who warped my mind like this?? :tongue_smilie:

 

Anyway, I can't really help and I'm sorry, but just know you are NOT alone. You were undeserving of those comments. People can be SO rude!

[abbeyej]

Maybe it would help to realize that the second comment was coming from a place of pain? I *know* you felt terrible -- and I think your SIL probably feels bad for making you feel worse -- but in the moment, all she sees is that you were thoughtless and her son had no present. On Christmas! And slights (even unintentional ones) that hurt our children can really make that Mama Bear in us come out snarling. And while you may have been able to hold your tongue and not say something so hurtful if it had been your child left out, I'm sure you would also have been upset. ... I'm not excusing her cruel comment, but it does seem understandable to me.

 

All that said, you made your apologies, I assume you got your nephew a present eventually and groveled suitably then as well... So now you move on. Understand that your SIL spoke in anger and what she said *in*that*moment* doesn't necessarily indicate how she feels about you as a person. She was hurt for her son and she lashed out. As long as you did your best to make reparations, it's time for both of you to move on. And that means you *forgiving* both of you (yourself for forgetting and her for snarling in response).

 

As to your other friend... What she said was indeed thoughtless. But you know this choice hasn't been easy for you. If you *need* to discuss what she said in order to continue your friendship with this woman (in other words, you just can't let it go), then you should do so. "I know you didn't mean it, but I'm having a really tough time with this decision, and when you said that it was 'the easy way', it really hurt me." Give her a chance to explain herself rather than reliving it over and over again in your own mind.

 

I'm very sorry you're hurting. And when something gets stuck in your head like that, it really can be tough to get it to stop. Maybe writing a note to apologize to your SIL one last time would give you some closure. And talking to your friend. But after that, when the tape starts up, having a project lined up that you can turn to -- something that takes your concentration and creativity. Replace the negative tape with something -- almost anything -- positive. Write out recipes for an upcoming family gathering, work out a difficult knitting pattern, plan something, do something that engages your brain.

[unsinkable]

Maybe it would help to realize that the second comment was coming from a place of pain? I *know* you felt terrible -- and I think your SIL probably feels bad for making you feel worse -- but in the moment, all she sees is that you were thoughtless and her son had no present. On Christmas! And slights (even unintentional ones) that hurt our children can really make that Mama Bear in us come out snarling. And while you may have been able to hold your tongue and not say something so hurtful if it had been your child left out, I'm sure you would also have been upset. ... I'm not excusing her cruel comment, but it does seem understandable to me.

 

All that said, you made your apologies, I assume you got your nephew a present eventually and groveled suitably then as well... So now you move on. Understand that your SIL spoke in anger and what she said *in*that*moment* doesn't necessarily indicate how she feels about you as a person. She was hurt for her son and she lashed out. As long as you did your best to make reparations, it's time for both of you to move on. And that means you *forgiving* both of you (yourself for forgetting and her for snarling in response).

 

As to your other friend... What she said was indeed thoughtless. But you know this choice hasn't been easy for you. If you *need* to discuss what she said in order to continue your friendship with this woman (in other words, you just can't let it go), then you should do so. "I know you didn't mean it, but I'm having a really tough time with this decision, and when you said that it was 'the easy way', it really hurt me." Give her a chance to explain herself rather than reliving it over and over again in your own mind.

 

I'm very sorry you're hurting. And when something gets stuck in your head like that, it really can be tough to get it to stop. Maybe writing a note to apologize to your SIL one last time would give you some closure. And talking to your friend. But after that, when the tape starts up, having a project lined up that you can turn to -- something that takes your concentration and creativity. Replace the negative tape with something -- almost anything -- positive. Write out recipes for an upcoming family gathering, work out a difficult knitting pattern, plan something, do something that engages your brain.

 

Thank you for your great advice...but the sis-in-law that said how could I screw it up was NOT my nephew's mom. His mom was very nice and kept telling me her son was fine. She kept saying, "He's 17! He understands!" The sis-in-law that said it was the hostess.

[unsinkable]

I'm really sorry you have those feelings, but, at the same time I'm glad to hear it. I have this happen to me a LOT, and I was wondering if I was the only person who had that (the comment replaying over and over in my head). It makes me have a lot of sympathy for you, while at the same time feeling a little less like a freak (which I just figured I was) myself.

 

I have never understood why I have taken some of those things so personally that they literally drag me down for MONTHS sometimes. I'm fairly tough on the outside. But I'm REAL soft-hearted and cry easily when I get upset too.

 

Sometimes I wonder if it isn't the wanting to please everyone, or some insecurity I have about being accepted. I don't know. I don't feel like the type who really cares what people think. I'm strong-willed and opinionated, but, at the same time, like to please. Gosh, who warped my mind like this?? :tongue_smilie:

 

Anyway, I can't really help and I'm sorry, but just know you are NOT alone. You were undeserving of those comments. People can be SO rude!

 

I'm glad to know I'm not alone!

 

I'm not sure if it is about pleasing everyone for me. I'm going to have to think about it.

[unsinkable]

I think I am overly hurt by the comments of others because I try so hard to do the right thing all of the time. It goes to the heart of my own self-esteem when I mess up, or others think I messed up. I am a people-pleaser, perhaps a bit insecure. So what if your friend thinks you copped out on hs or you forgot to buy a gift? No one but you will even remember either of these things a year from now. And no one's opinion of you has changed substantially as a result; they still love you. When my feelings get hurt by the insensitve comments of others, I try to remember the number of times I have said insenstive things and not realized it until later. A couple of other "sayings" help me: "If you wait until you have a perfect friend, you will never have one." and "You get mad---you'll get glad." These little bumps in the road are just a part of being human. One helpful technique is to replace the negative broken record with a more positive one. I find that my new record needs to be one about how capable I am and how much my friends love me. (My underlying fear is that I am stupid and no one loves me. All insensitive comments play to that fear in me.) This is what works for me. This might not even make sense for you, but I hope you are able to find peace of mind.

 

Thank you for the reminder about the positive record! I guess I forget about that when I am stuck in a bad place!

[unsinkable]

:grouphug:

I'm so sorry. People can be so thoughtless and, often unintentionally, mean. I try to remember that old line (which I'll misquote--someone help me out! lol) about how we should remember that everyone has something hard in their life, so extend grace. Perhaps these people who said these things were not aware of the effect their words would have on you.

 

I think you are probably a very sensitive person, and that you would not hurt someone else's feelings for all the world, because you experienced hurt quite deeply. This makes you empathetic--probably a wonderfully kind friend and family member. If so, it would follow that to receive such treatment would carry an unbelievable sting.

 

For me, I have to check my boundaries and my sense of wanting to be in everyone's good graces, and to be perceived as competent. 3 biggies for me! Take your high school stuff, for example. I might be stung by that, but my retort would be, "Oh, it's not easy for me, not at all. I am having a very hard time with it, emotionally." I would not have commented on the academic side, but would have communicated my feelings. (That's me, a bundle of feelings...)

That would have taken the focus off of the sting of the other person saying I was not willing to work hard on my kid's education, and put it on how I was dealing with my decision. It would have been authentic, but set the boundary that I was unwilling to debate my choice.

 

The older I get, the more I try to not take every verbal slip up as personal, and give the benefit of the doubt. I try to extend grace to myself, too, as I feel I sometimes succumb to "foot in mouth" disease.

 

Everyone makes mistakes. Think of yourself as a model of one who both needs grace, and extends it. Words hurt--but they are not all there is. The truth of who you really are is quite powerful. Mistakes do not define us, and other's mistakes should not define them. Your kindness is important in the world, and you can give others the gift of that kindness, even if it is unreturned.

 

I have to try harder to extend that grace. I keep telling myself that my friend might not have realized what she said. As for my sis-in-law, I wonder if she thinks my screw up ruined her ideal Christmas?

[unsinkable]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry! Both of those comments were very insensitive.

 

As to the first, obviously sending your ds to school is *not* easy for you. And even if it were, the easy path isn't necessarily the wrong path.

 

As to the second, I guarantee you aren't the first person to "mess up" a gift exchange. The holidays are a crazy time and it is very easy to forget a gift here and there. I usually do, and I've learned to compensate for my forgetfulness by buying a few extra gift cards just in case. ;)

 

It's so easy to hold onto negative comments. They stick in your mind so much longer than the positive ones. I'm sure for every negative comment you've had directed at you, there have been multiple positive ones that you were thankful for at the time and then promptly forgot!

 

One thing that has helped me deal with negativity like this is to tell myself that if the person issuing the hurtful remark was actually in my shoes (really, truly knew how hard a decision was for me, knew how difficult something was for me, knew how remorseful I was about something), there is no way they would have made the comment they did. This mindset also works the other way; it keeps me from thinking negatively about people based on surface evidence. IMO, most hurtful comments are based on either ignorance or misunderstanding.

 

Thank you for the great advice. It really helps to have concrete advice like putting myself in their shoes. I mean, I know that stuff but deep in the pain, it is hard to remember!

[MommyJo]

I would love to know because I am the same way as you. People say something and it sticks with me forever. My husband now knows to watch what he says because I hold on to things. I don't mean to, I don't want to but it just happens. Then on days that I'm having it hard and throwing my own personal "beat myself up" day, I seem to keep remembering all the horrible things that were said and feel even worse.

[Sharon H in IL]

I find that my new record needs to be one about how capable I am and how much my friends love me. (My underlying fear is that I am stupid and no one loves me. All insensitive comments play to that fear in me.) This is what works for me. This might not even make sense for you, but I hope you are able to find peace of mind.

 

This is a very kind and gracious post, Angie. Well done.

[Desert Rat]

It's really good for me to know I'm not the only one who can be overly sensitive. I don't really have any advise to add but appreciate those who have posted strategies that I will be trying in the future.

I love this board!

[Staci in MO]

I occasionally find myself getting caught up in a cycle of negativity. For me, I seem to replay stupid things that I have said or done that I wish I could take back.

 

I have learned that I fall into these cycles the most often when I am not eating right, sleeping enough, or exercising enough.

 

Sleep is one I especially have to watch. I can go on very little sleep for days on end and not feel physically tired. But it definitely affects my mood, and when I start to feel overwhelmed or hopeless, making a concerted effort to get more sleep does wonders.

 

It's the same way when I don't get enough exercise, but lack of sleep seems to be the one that sneaks up on me without my realizing it.

[katemary63]

Some negative comments you hear throughout your life will replay themselves forever. You can't really stop it; they are like the energizer bunny! I can easily recall some of these horrid one liners from 30 years ago and actually FEEL the flush of embarrassment or hurt that I felt when they were first said to me.

However, as some other posts have said, you CAN drown them out. I make a conscious effort to have positive "self talk". I often repeat ideas or verses from the Bible about God's love for me and I choose to BELIEVE them and not the negative ideas I get about myself when one of these "bunnies" hops across my brain.

Remember this; the person who said that hurtful line to you DOES not ever think about it. It was a moment, it is passed and they are over it. Don’t let something that probably meant little to them, haunt you forever and bring you down. Focus on the TRUTH. God’s truth about WHO you are.

I like to remind myself that I am the daughter of the King. Hmmm. THAT sounds good!

[Alicia64]

I just wanted to add that everyone with a human brain with a conscience has these thoughts from yesteryear that we wish we could simply cut out of our heads. I definitely do.

 

I think back on something I said or did and think, "why? why? why did I do that?" And the embarrassment floods through me like the event just happened.

 

You're totally not alone. You're human. And you have to give yourself permission to make mistakes. You're going to mess up and sometimes it's going to be over a kid's Christmas present. Otherwise it's not called a "mess up".

 

I do plenty of "I'm only human" and "that's life" and "the next time I have kids I'll do a better job" (funny joke because I'm done!!).

 

Please join the "none of us are perfect club". It's a gigantic club (one in every city across the globe) and we're very welcoming!!

 

Alicia

[Mad Jenny Flint]

The only thing I would add is that, when you think about what the person or people have said that was hurtful, try to keep your thoughts about it to pure reality. When you cycle into that place of guessing their intentions, wondering about their thought processes, putting thoughts into their heads, it is crazy-making. Keep it real. They said thoughtless things. We all do. Now it is your job to wrap your brain around what parts of the things they said are untrue, and whether there is anything to be learned from what they have said (I don't think there is much in these particular instances you gave LOL). Take the truth and leave the rest... and give yourself credit for being a forgiving human being who is so much more than those comments would indicate! Those friends/relatives are more than those comments, too. I'm sorry you had to deal with those bad situations.

[3lilreds in NC]

:grouphug:Molly:grouphug:,

 

I am very sensitive, too, and tend to get my feelings hurt easily. It's easy for me to get myself caught in a spiral of bad thoughts, too. What I have learned to do, when I find myself spiraling, is force myself to stop the thoughts. It's hard at first, but really, it gets easier with practice. I will sing a song, call a friend, read a book, find my knitting, play with the baby, go talk to my kids, anything to make the cycle of thoughts STOP.

 

I *think* you are a Christian, since your son is going to Catholic school - I want to apologize beforehand if I am off base. I do not mean to be offensive by offering scriptures, and haven't been here often enough to be sure. So, if you don't want to read the Christian part of this, stop reading now. :)

 

Take a look at 2 Corinthians 10:5 that says to take captive every thought. This is something I feel convicted to work on in my life. It's hard, sometimes, because I know my mind wants to wander, and it often heads down a road it should not go. That's where the practice comes in. I can be a bit obsessive when I get my feelings hurt and get quite wound up. It really comes down to forgiveness, and forgiveness is a choice I make. Even when my heart doesn't want to, I tell God I want to forgive and ask him to help me. Once I've made that decision, when I find myself spinning in the bad thoughts again, I try to stop and say (yep, out loud to myself), "No, I have forgiven this" and then try one of the steps above to distract myself.

 

I also try to remind myself that the ugly things people say are not about *me* but about *them.* They come from something ugly inside them that has nothing to do with me. Since the nephew and his mom are OK, don't focus on the mean SIL. As a homeschooler I know I have felt envious when friends have put their children in school, and yet my resolve to keep mine at home for now has strengthened - I am sure I have said something thoughtless along those lines. I would not ever mean to hurt someone, but I know I do. Let their crap be their crap; don't let it control you.

 

I hope this is helpful. What you said so resonated with me; I am there so often! Your heart is in the right place, friend.