In my annual spring "Have I failed my child?" funk...

[Jane in NC]

Going back to the old boards, I found the going getting rough this time of year, so I would list all we had accomplished so far, cheer up, move on.

 

What makes it worse this year (11th) is that we are so close to the end. There is not much more time for compensation.

 

But--really--I think that I am grieving. My baby is leaving me soon. In some ways he has already left. Everytime I find myself a bit impatient with him, I almost feel awash with guilt. I don't want him remembering me as such a nag or as Snarky Mom.

 

Sure, there are all those other worries. College applications in the fall. Oh my--have I failed him by home educating? (Truly I think not, particularly when I compare what we have done to our local options. And I have a seventeen year old boy that adults like. Wasn't it nice when a friend of the family, a professor emeritus of some acclaim, contacted him yesterday to see how things were? My son sent him his most recent English paper which family friend read and commented on. I could not have completely failed him, right, if people take interest in what he is doing?)

 

Maybe I do need to do what I have done in times past. Make that list. Be positive. Stop worrying. (Easier said than done.)

 

Maybe Janice in NJ and I should have a long phone conversation. Maybe Nan in Mass could send me some calming mojo. Maybe Michelle in MO could perk me up. Maybe Joan in Geneva could send me some virtual chocolate.

 

Is it just this time of year??

 

Can I get a :grouphug:?

 

Jane

[LisaNY]

Here ya go, Jane! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Jane, I know your son is going to do amazingly well! You are one of the people that comes to mind when I think of excellence in homeschooling. I've known you through these boards for quite some time, and I have always admired your diligence in maintaining high standards as you homeschool.

 

 

I can't tell you how many times I've wished that I had your knowledge when my dd and I are having a difficult time w/Algebra.

 

So, from someone who has watched you from the sidelines for a looong time - :hurray::hurray::hurray: !!!!!!!!!!!

[FloridaLisa]

:grouphug: and more :grouphug: as I'm experiencing the same down here. The thread on 12th grade schedules was especially poignant. We decided last month that ds will sign up for a full schedule at the university. So, other than his literature tutorial at our co-op (which he dearly loves) he'll be a full-time university student. But, but, but . . . there were so many more books and that advanced grammar and a science fair project.

 

Even now, he's out at classes two days a week. His absence is most conspicuous when we are reading aloud or meeting for Bible study. The kids and I march on to memorize new verses or read new books, but the verses and stories come in patches for him. :tongue_smilie:

 

So, I'm right there with you! I've been uber stressed lately (dh says last night) and I think I'm feeling the weight of this homeschool journey more distinctly. Now it counts. As you said, no more real time to compensate. Perhaps we should make that list of all the things we did well?!

 

Lisa

[Nan in Mass]

I wish I could send you lots and lots of mojo but what is mojo?

 

The end of each academic year is always a time of facing broken dreams, and now seems to be the time when we face the end. Closer to the true end, more like June, seems to be a time of scrambling around and finishing up what we did manage to do, and planning for summer, but now is when we have to plan what we are going to manage to finish and that means letting go of the things that we now know we can't possibly do. You are having that doubled this year because spring of 11th grade in relation to high school is just like the end of March in relation to each academic year. Maybe you need to make two lists - one of the things your son has accomplished this year, and one of the things he has accomplished so far in his education? Starting about when he learned to read and count and learned his plants and animals?

 

As far as whether you have prepared your son well enough for life, I think the question really is, "Is he prepared well enough to take over and complete the rest of the preparations himself without accidentally killing himself?" At least well enough as long as you and his father are still at the other end of the phone, email, or visit? That is more important than whether he is prepared for college work. For college, as long as he's prepared well in one or two areas and knows how to use add/drop and office hours effectively, he'll probably survive. Just make sure you tell him that you won't be upset if he drops a class for which he finds he is not prepared. But you probably have done that already. Speaking as one who has a son in college, the academics of the situation are only a tiny fraction of what I worry about. Is he a safe driver? I filled a major non-academic educational gap in this last winter with my son by getting him his driver's license and enough driving experience. Does he know the warning signs of alchoholism and depression? (Hmm... that probably isn't very comforting. Sorry.)

 

I always find spring a time of deep nostalgia. I'm sure that isn't helping you. I myself am trying to survive the nostalgia by spoiling my one remaining son a bit, and by focusing on the non-child things I have. My husband is making that difficult by working extra hard, so I'm falling back on my mother's strategy: taking comfort in the garden, which since it can't move, can't leave me. I'm beginning to see why my mother likes plants... I suppose we could all say to ourselves, "In 5 or 6 years I might have a grandchild." Yikes! Maybe that isn't exactly comforting either. Hopefully it at least made you laugh. Or distracted you. Or something...

 

Jane, does your son feel loved and part of a pack (family or friends)? If so, you haven't failed him. Academically, he's already managed many feats. He can manage a few more. His roommate and friends will lend a hand. You wouldn't want him to be bored, right? He's out and about enough that you don't need to worry about his having been too sheltered. College is a completely different animal than high school, so his adult-oriented social skill will work there.

 

Make sure you tell your husband that you need extra hugs and make some plans to do something exciting the first autumn your son is away. (I promised myself riding lessons when my youngest went to off kindergarten.)

 

Lots of hugs,

A large, heart-shaped of piece of ice just drifted by the window as I was writing this.

Nan

Edited March 26, 2009 by Nan in Mass

[Michelle in MO]

been virtually absent from the forums this week! :grouphug: to you. I've been studying for the Latin final.

 

No, you have not failed your ds at all. In fact, all that you have done for him may not become evident until several years down the road.

 

Just yesterday I was looking at the website for a very exclusive college preparatory school in St. Louis, which offers four years of Latin, as well as four years in several other languages. In their fourth year they begin study of the Aeneid. Your ds is more than keeping pace with their Latin studies, thanks to your tutoring. In math, again, your ds is ahead of the game, as he will be tackling calculus next year under the best math teacher he could possibly have. In Great Books, he has tackled more difficult works than most kids venture to open in college, let alone high school. And in writing, don't underestimate your own abilities to read and offer suggestions and corrections on his papers. I know that good teachers are pressed for time, but I continue to be amazed at the papers that my girls get back with just a grade on them, or a short comment like "Good work!"; or like the essay tests from my oldest dd's history teacher, which continue to come back with essay corrections like "21/25" with no notation whatsoever as to what points she missed on an essay and why. You know good writing when you see it, and I'm sure you've passed along this wisdom to your ds as you read his papers.

 

That's just the academics. Your ds is very involved with your community, with volunteer work, with the bird rehabilitation, and with worthwhile summer activities. He sounds very outgoing and well-balanced; I'm still trying to help my dear oldest daughter to come out of her shell (which she will do on occasion, when she perceives that she's around people of similar interests). His community activities and volunteer work are building within him a strength of character which will carry him farther, I suspect, than any Phi Beta Kappa's or summa cum laude designations on his college transcript.

 

I think it's the whole sum of a person that steers their course in life, not just one particular area, and from what I know of you, he's well on his way to becoming a mature adult.

 

He will do very well; believe me, I share your feelings of loss and concern over his future, because I'm at the same place. I worry constantly, and it's an effort to keep from getting swallowed up in that worry and keeping my mind focused on the positives with my own kids.

 

Many :grouphug: from here, because I truly believe your ds will continue to move from high school to college without any major hurdles. There may be some minor bumps in the road, but I think he's mature enough that he and you together will steer through those with little difficulty.

 

God bless you and your ds; we're here to encourage each other along the way! :)

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Going back to the old boards, I found the going getting rough this time of year, so I would list all we had accomplished so far, cheer up, move on.

 

What makes it worse this year (11th) is that we are so close to the end. There is not much more time for compensation.

 

But--really--I think that I am grieving. My baby is leaving me soon. In some ways he has already left. Everytime I find myself a bit impatient with him, I almost feel awash with guilt. I don't want him remembering me as such a nag or as Snarky Mom.

 

Sure, there are all those other worries. College applications in the fall. Oh my--have I failed him by home educating? (Truly I think not, particularly when I compare what we have done to our local options. And I have a seventeen year old boy that adults like. Wasn't it nice when a friend of the family, a professor emeritus of some acclaim, contacted him yesterday to see how things were? My son sent him his most recent English paper which family friend read and commented on. I could not have completely failed him, right, if people take interest in what he is doing?)

 

Maybe I do need to do what I have done in times past. Make that list. Be positive. Stop worrying. (Easier said than done.)

 

Maybe Janice in NJ and I should have a long phone conversation. Maybe Nan in Mass could send me some calming mojo. Maybe Michelle in MO could perk me up. Maybe Joan in Geneva could send me some virtual chocolate.

 

Is it just this time of year??

 

Can I get a :grouphug:?

 

Jane

 

I didn't do it all the way through, and I stand in awe of you all who do it and do it so very well. Hugs to you, my friend. The grief that comes out as snarling and anger is pretty normal. It does get less acute, though.

[Michelle in AL]

I want to 2nd what Lisa in NY said, you are one of the moms that comes to mind when I think of homeschoolers doing it right.

:grouphug:

[JennW in SoCal]

Besides making your list, perhaps what you and your ds need is an impromtu break from the routine. Go out to lunch together, go see a movie, or do something you would have done early in the homeschool years like head to the zoo. Just take some time to be a mom and son and reminisce about your homeschooling journey, talk about plans for next fall and talk about your own life post-graduation. Most importantly, just enjoy the fruits of your labor -- that fine young man who is living in your house.

 

I for one find it hard to believe you have any compensating to do! You've done an amazing job with your child and have given him the tools he needs to continue his education. At this point you are just fine tuning, mentoring, coaching, cheering, sometimes nagging and cajoling, but more of the burden of responsibility is on his shoulders now, as it should be. He is ready for it, too, and prepared for it. Doesn't make it any easier for us moms, but maybe that perspective will help you feel better.

 

I think you nailed it -- it is that busy time of year when we've had enough of being dreadfully busy, and that season of life when we're bracing for a big transition. :grouphug: Hang in there!

[Nan in Mass]

I have been through some horrible things with my oldest, but I always tried to make sure that for every negative exchange we had, we had two or three positive ones, or at least neutral ones, ones where my voice was cheerful. It must have worked because he's still talking to me and thinks our family is a good family. If you keep track of the nags and the non-nags, I think you will find that your goods outweigh the bads by a hefty margin. Memory is a weird thing, but it might make all the nagging necessary to get through the college process less worrisome.

Hugs

-Nan

[Joan in GE]

do you like dark, white, or milk chocolate? with filling (hazelnut, or almond)? or nuts (same choice or pistachio)? Or with chilli peppers?

 

You are sending him out with all kinds of "riches" - emotional, spiritual, intellectual - but the greatest is love.

 

Each and every day is a gift. Our children are a gift.

 

Providence willing, one day he will return and even better yet with a wife and child(ren). Your gift will have multiplied....

 

:grouphug:

Joan

[Michelle in MO]

I second wholeheartedly Jenn's suggestion to take a Mental Health Day. I think a complete day off from Latin, math, cc, and the rest of the challenging routine would definitely be in order! Set a day where you and your ds can spend doing whatever it is you need to do: a picnic, volunteer work, lunch together, a movie, a day at the park, swimming---whatever it is that would give you both that one extra day off. I wish I had built more of those days into our homeschooling schedule; I'm sure I made it all too much of a grind in my fear of getting everything done. But, honestly, the days off now and then would not have hurt the girls academically at all, and would have given us all a much-needed break.

 

Great idea, Jenn!

[laughing lioness]

In one of these myself last night. My dh gave me some perspective. He was talking with a graduating senior who could not identify the significance of 1776. He gave lots of clues. She had NO IDEA. This was not a stoopid person (She was reading "The Tale of 2 Cities.").

You have undoubtedly provided your student with far more than you think, emotionally, socially, academically.

I second the mental health day :001_smile:.

Blessings to you!!

[Jane in NC]

Thanks to all who responded. Last Saturday was not quite the mental health day that was suggested, but it was a day that my son and I spent together doing things we enjoy including a library visit, lunch at a favorite restaurant, etc. That was when it really struck me that My Baby would be gone soon!

 

What is not helping my situation is that my husband is working long and erratic hours. His stress level is running high--everyone's sleep and sanity seem affected. But this too shall pass.

 

Perhaps this weekend I'll revisit Barsetshire by rereading an Angela Thirkell novel, something like Wild Strawberries. Anyone else ever visit old literary friends for a bit of comfort?

 

Hugs back in your direction.

 

Jane

[harmonyartmom]

I had a "moment" this week too. :(

 

Sending you a hug and selfishly taking one for myself as well. :grouphug:

 

My oldest is graduating from college in May, the second oldest is graduating in one more semester from college, the third is finishing 10th grade, and the youngest is finishing 9th grade......

 

Even with all that I have under my belt, I still fell like I could have done better.

 

What is that?

 

Barb-Harmony Art Mom

[Nan in Mass]

Wild Strawberries is an EXCELLENT idea! Escaping into a book is the main way I comfort myself. Angela Thirkell works so well for that. You,too, are probably telling yourself firmly, "Work is good." It makes one feel very adrift, though. I find learning something new comforting, also, especially if it is a hand-on something. Pennywhistle? Japanese? Tatting? Origami?

[Michelle in MO]

Perhaps this weekend I'll revisit Barsetshire by rereading an Angela Thirkell novel, something like Wild Strawberries. Anyone else ever visit old literary friends for a bit of comfort?

 

Yes, I often turn back to my favorite books when I'm under stress.

 

I have moments of panic before going to sleep at night, when I think that my oldest still does not have her driver's license, has not worked outside of the house, is still quiet around others (except when at home; then it's another story). Yes, sometimes it hits me very hard that I don't feel ready; I'm not sure if she's ready, and yet somehow we have to help her get ready.

 

 

I want to 2nd what Lisa in NY said, you are one of the moms that comes to mind when I think of homeschoolers doing it right.

:grouphug:

 

:iagree: I couldn't agree more.

 

:grouphug: Jane. I hope your dh's schedule eases up a bit and that your whole family can take a break soon.

[Nan in Mass]

Don't forget to keep telling yourself that by the time your son actually goes away, your husband will probably be back to normal. You are right about that probably being a big part of your problem right now. One is more or less absent and the other one going to truly absent soon... except that it won't really be like that when the time comes. Hopefully, anyway.

[Veronica in VA]

I understand! My dd is at the end of her 11th grade year, and when she got stuck a couple of weeks ago in Chemistry, I came out and told my husband I failed she would never be able to handle college, blah, blah, you know how it goes. Anyway, she is back to doing great, and I think my reaction was just because I know college is looming.

 

My ds on the other hand goes to ps and is supposed to graduate in June. I said supposed because all of a sudden he is doing terrible in English, and I am panicking. I feel like screaming, in fact, I have. Can anyone reassure me we will get through this? Has anyone had a child not graduate - what do you do? My dd knew I was upset and gave ME a mental health day today, putting on a movie and curling up with me to watch before she went back to her school books.

 

Veronica

[Guest Katia]

Oh Jane :grouphug:

 

Thank you for this post. I could have written it myself. It is just so unbelievably hard when they are in their last few years of high school and it's your last one! I am in the same boat myself....

 

And I'm enjoying reading all of these posts. This is a great support group.

 

You are doing a wonderful job, Jane. Honest. :grouphug: He'll be not just 'fine' but will excel because he has such a loving, supportive, invested mom.

[Janice in NJ]

What's your number, Jane? Got Skype? :001_smile:

 

You rock! I don't care how you feel right now!

I KNOW that you are doing a great job.

I KNOW that you are doing a great job.

I KNOW that you are doing a great job.

I KNOW that you are doing a great job.

I KNOW that you are doing a great job.

I KNOW that you are doing a great job.

Hey world - FYI - Jane is doing a great job!

 

Give me a call... I'll yell it through the phone. K?

 

Peace to you my dear sister. If I'm OK, then I KNOW that you're OK! :grouphug:

Janice... does that mean that I'm not OK? Oh NO! ;)

[Jane in NC]

Hey Janice!

 

I'm grinning ear to ear! Thanks friend!

 

XXOO

[Janice in NJ]

Hey Jane,

 

Dh, dd, and I had the opportunity to be there for the closing night of Rusalka. LOVED it. I thought of you - one of my opera buds. :001_smile:

 

http://archives.metoperafamily.org/Imgs/Rusalka0809.htm

 

Peace to you, my friend!

Janice

[Jane in NC]

Hey Jane,

 

Dh, dd, and I had the opportunity to be there for the closing night of Rusalka. LOVED it. I thought of you - one of my opera buds. :001_smile:

 

http://archives.metoperafamily.org/Imgs/Rusalka0809.htm

 

Peace to you, my friend!

Janice

 

What amazing costumes! I loved the mice, frogs and insects.

[Janice in NJ]

Link to the famous tune from this opera:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1PMzQ8PuCo

 

When we read about the storyline in the program, my daughter commented, "So we've come to see The Little Mermaid except the prince dies and the little mermaid goes to hell."

 

Isn't opera just grand? :001_smile:

 

- Janice

Edited March 26, 2009 by Janice in NJ

[JennifersLost]

I have a 10th grader and I'm having one of those weeks. Weepy at the thought that he's growing up. Panic at all the things that haven't "worked" (can you say Latin, anyone?) as well I'd hoped.

 

I can't believe I'm here, with a 10th grader. I remember our first day of homeschooling as if it was yesterday. We learned about the moon and made a clay model of it. He loved it.

 

Waaaaah! Now I'm all weepy.....

[Colleen in NS]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

You're one of my high-school-homeschool-Mom heroines, Jane.

[Ria]

Jane, I know your son is going to do amazingly well! You are one of the people that comes to mind when I think of excellence in homeschooling. I've known you through these boards for quite some time, and I have always admired your diligence in maintaining high standards as you homeschool.

 

Lisa said it for me. Jane, you are really special, and your child is blessed to have you as a mom. You are awesome. Shoot, I want to come over and be schooled by you, lol!

 

Ria

[Nan in Mass]

Me, too, Ria. I promise to be a good student, Jane! : )

[Jane in NC]

Lisa said it for me. Jane, you are really special, and your child is blessed to have you as a mom. You are awesome. Shoot, I want to come over and be schooled by you, lol!

 

Ria

 

So many sweetheart awards to distribute today! Thank you all.

 

We're starting our day tomorrow by working at the bird rehabbers. A bit of a break from the usual routine, something we love to do. And that may be our problem of late: not enough devision from the routine of school. Life before community college had more flexibility!

 

Again, thanks and :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: to all.

 

Jane

[Kelli in TN]

Jane, dear Jane,

You know what my daughter's latest accomplish has been, her admission to the top of the heap of a the honor's program, the inner circle of smart kids, right?

 

And yet. I was speaking to my brother today and mentioned something that she will be doing soon and added the phrase "if we let her live that long" and went into a detailed description of how senioritis is playing out with this one.

 

And then I felt like such a jerk.

 

I think all of this is normal. It is a hard passage.

 

I say this in the evening of a day when I have been so mad at my daughter that I have barely looked at her without glaring because of a bad choice that she made this morning that, if repeated enough times, could cost her the very opportunity that is in her hands.

 

This transition to adulthood is so hard. But you have done well and you need not have any regrets. He will turn 18, he will graduate and he will make choices both good and bad but you will not be responsible for them.

 

:grouphug:

[Halftime Hope]

Anyone else ever visit old literary friends for a bit of comfort?

 

Jane

 

I just spent the week visiting with Jim Herriot, loving his characters and his way with words.

 

Ds19 and I have instituted mental health days. Like in Nan's experience, they are good for our balance, b/c he is challenging!

 

Sending good wishes and prayers in your direction!

 

Val

[Brenda in MA]

Jane, dear Jane,

You know what my daughter's latest accomplish has been, her admission to the top of the heap of a the honor's program, the inner circle of smart kids, right?

 

And yet. I was speaking to my brother today and mentioned something that she will be doing soon and added the phrase "if we let her live that long" and went into a detailed description of how senioritis is playing out with this one.

 

And then I felt like such a jerk.

 

I think all of this is normal. It is a hard passage.

 

I say this in the evening of a day when I have been so mad at my daughter that I have barely looked at her without glaring because of a bad choice that she made this morning that, if repeated enough times, could cost her the very opportunity that is in her hands.

 

This transition to adulthood is so hard. But you have done well and you need not have any regrets. He will turn 18, he will graduate and he will make choices both good and bad but you will not be responsible for them.

 

:grouphug:

Kelli,

 

What you've said is so true. I have these exact same moments with my senior ds. He goes from one extreme to the other with moods, work habits. Some days, when things are going well, I'm patting myself on the back. Other times, I'm wonder what happened and what I did wrong.

 

Springtime makes it all the worse, too. But the good news is that he is slowly progressing towards adulthood. As the kiddos get older, I'm reminded of the old adage, "just plant the seeds". We can't make them grow, but we can plant them, and if we have, then we've done well.

 

Jane -- I always admire your approaches with your son and your advice here. End of junior year is a really tough time -- all the test prep, beginning the college search process. Take it one step at a time. I can definitely relate to your worries about how your son will do in the college admissions game. I know the relief I felt when that first acceptance rolled in. Just have him cast his net well, and the colleges will see who he is and what he has accomplished.

 

Motherhood is a tough job -- pour yourself and your energies into these kids, worry over them, scold them, mentor them, and then they just -- leave! Well, they leave you in a physical sense, but I really believe that they will always carry a piece of you with them wherever they go.

 

Waxing philosophically today, I guess.

 

Brenda

Edited March 27, 2009 by Brenda in MA

[Nan in Mass]

About carrying our mothers around inside us. I know I don't ask my mother for advice (well, other than cooking or gardening infor) very often because I know what she will say. I can hear her voice if I think about her. And my grandmother's. It isn't for lack of opportunity, either, because I see her several days a week. Now if only our children will listen to themselves GRIN...

-Nan

[Jane in NC]

 

Motherhood is a tough job -- pour yourself and your energies into these kids, worry over them, scold them, mentor them, and then they just -- leave! Well, they leave you in a physical sense, but I really believe that they will always carry a piece of you with them wherever they go.

 

Waxing philosophical today, I guess.

 

Brenda

 

That is it precisely, Brenda! The objective is for our kids to leave us and function independently. Yet when we reach this pinnacle, we neither cheer nor check off this success. It is paradoxical and sad.

 

I am feeling so much better today. It is oddly comforting to know I am not alone. But I remain wistful that my Mom is not alive for me to say "Hey, I get it!" Oh well. I'll tell her anyway. She is probably still listening.

[Storm Bay]

Sorry I missed this one. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Jane, do you know how many times I've wished you lived here so you could help me learn how to teach math better? How much you've helped me with that, and other things?

 

I think you've done a fabulous job, really. And please don't leave these boards once you're done. You've already received many words of wisdom, and I haven't btdt yet.

[LoriM]

Lisa said it for me. Jane, you are really special, and your child is blessed to have you as a mom. You are awesome. Shoot, I want to come over and be schooled by you, lol!

 

Ria

 

I have to say, though, that I read this and thought it said, "Come and be overly schooled by you!"

 

BWAHAHAHA!

 

My first thought, "Oh, come on! There's no such thing as too much school!" :)

 

You are all welcome for a retreat here in eastern NC anytime you want! Pick a weekend, and come to LoriM's B&B! We'll cook Ree's food, and pile up with too many good books.

[Nan in Mass]

Our job is to make ourselves obsolete. Although I guess the amount we are thinking about our own mothers should be a clue that our children will probably continue to want to tell us things, even if they don't need us to check their algebra anymore.

 

Jane, I'm sure she is.