Dh wants ds9 in school

[Scarlett]

I'm very sad and I need a hug. My husband is insisting on putting ds9 in school this fall. I had so hoped he would not force the issue, but I think he is going to. The deadline for re-registering for the VA is April 1. I sent him an email and told him that I am going to honor his wish for ds to go to public school but that I'm feeling anxious and concerned and scared. He wrote back this

 

<<We can talk about it later. I think he needs some experience of change and interacting with other kids in a different environment. If he does not learn how to do that, he will be afraid of change which is natural but not always a good thing. I want him to know he can survive, overcome his fears, and that fear can be exaggerated.>>

 

Has anyone had a similar opinion expressed by their dh and if so how did you respond?

 

I've been crying all morning.

[elegantlion]

No advice :grouphug:. I know how special and sometimes difficult it can be with one ds.

[Catwoman]

I'm very sad and I need a hug. My husband is insisting on putting ds9 in school this fall. I had so hoped he would not force the issue, but I think he is going to. The deadline for re-registering for the VA is April 1. I sent him an email and told him that I am going to honor his wish for ds to go to public school but that I'm feeling anxious and concerned and scared. He wrote back this

 

<<We can talk about it later. I think he needs some experience of change and interacting with other kids in a different environment. If he does not learn how to do that, he will be afraid of change which is natural but not always a good thing. I want him to know he can survive, overcome his fears, and that fear can be exaggerated.>>

 

Has anyone had a similar opinion expressed by their dh and if so how did you respond?

 

I've been crying all morning.

 

I guess my first question is why you are agreeing to put your son in ps, when you obviously feel so strongly against it?

 

One positive thing I saw in your DH's email is that he said, "We can talk about it later." Perhaps that means he's open to discussion?

 

My best suggestion would be to validate your dh's concerns, and suggest that instead of putting him in ps, that you continue to homeschool him, but sign him up for classes in a co-op, or to have him participate in other activities where he'll be with other kids (and mom won't be doing the teaching or coaching.)

 

My dh has always thought it would be best if our ds went to school, although we've never discussed anything but private school. However, since I feel so strongly that homeschooling is our best option, and I'm the one who does the teaching, my dh goes along with my wishes. If he insisted that ds go to school, he'd have a fight on his hands, and rest assured, I would win.

 

Ultimately, you both need to talk at length about this, and preferably not via email. You need to know exactly what most concerns your dh; it sounds to me like it might be the old "socialization with similar-aged peers" thing, and there are ways to achieve that while still homeschooling. Hopefully, you'll be able to have a nice, long, calm discussion and if it looks like your dh isn't in your corner yet, perhaps you could ask him to take a day or two and reconsider his opinion.

 

Finally, where does ds stand on the issue? Does he want to go to school? If not, this should be a big factor in the final decision. If he's doing well academically, that's important, too. If it's all about being with other kids, I'm sure you can find another option that isn't as extreme as a full day of public school every day.

 

Good luck; I'm so sorry you are so upset, and hope everything goes well for you.

 

Cat

[sleepy]

:grouphug:Scarlett:grouphug:

 

I haven't had to deal with this, but I can imagine how hard it is. :sad:

[Catwoman]

Oops -- I forgot to send you your hug, Scarlett! :grouphug:

 

Cat

[MamaT]

I've never had to deal with this either, but I am so sorry. I would be devastated as well. :grouphug:

[chiguirre]

I'm not sure this is very similar, but here goes. Dh would prefer dd go to school. I'm not very psyched to have to deal with 2 different school schedules and transportation that borders on the physically impossible as well as hs ds2 (dh does agree that this is our best, and practically speaking, only option for this dc). I told him that he was welcome to sign dd up at the local Montessori school, but that he would be responsible for all morning transportation and all parent obligations (fundraising, volunteering, showing up at parent events, etc.) That was the last I heard of signing dd up for school. ;) Honestly my objection is more logistical than philosophical because I do like our local Montessori. I'm not sure my tactic would work for others, but since I have to run the house solo for about 40% of the time while dh travels for work my logistics are a critical factor in the smooth functioning of our daily lives. Dh would have to have a huge concern to overcome that factor.

[bettyandbob]

I have to go, but I a real quick 2 things to consider:

 

1. where are you getting this April 1 date? In my county you have file in the summer.

 

2. Does your ds have social skills issues. If so, being in a classroom with 24 children, provides a good opportunity for such issues to get worse. Work on group skills may be best met in small doses. Maybe a lot of small doses. My first year of homeschool was when my oldest was in first. We did a lot of activities. Scouts, 4H soccer, swimming, gymnastics. We went to park days and advertise homeschool field trips. I would coach ds before and talk about social stuff after each activity. Ds is academically gifted. It was easy to keep up with and move at an accelerated pace in academics. His needs were not academic so I put a lot of focus on those other things. Ds was better at learning the social stuff in short frequent spurts. He had full day K--he retreated into a corner, didn't interact and was drained when he got home to the point that he could not do things like scouts or soccer even once a week because he had nothing left in him to control his behavior after being at school all day. So, I would suggest that if one of the reasons you homeschool is "protect" him from social stuff because he's had problems in that area, you should get out there in a lot activities so he can work on that stuff with your help. If you send him to school for 6.5 hours a day you won't be able to help him work the social puzzle, but if you keep him home away from a lot of groups you won't help him learn it either.

 

disregard this is this is not your issue.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Scarlett:grouphug:

[TraceyS/FL]

:grouphug:

 

I have to say he gave you a reason - which is more than my STBXH has done....

[Catwoman]

:grouphug:

 

I have to say he gave you a reason - which is more than my STBXH has done....

 

So Tracey, is that why he's your STBXH? ;):D

 

Cat

[Catwoman]

Does your ds have social skills issues. If so, being in a classroom with 24 children, provides a good opportunity for such issues to get worse. Work on group skills may be best met in small doses. Maybe a lot of small doses.

 

Excellent points, Betty!

 

Cat

[Marylou]

2. Does your ds have social skills issues. If so, being in a classroom with 24 children, provides a good opportunity for such issues to get worse. .

 

:iagree:and:grouphug:

[TraceyS/FL]

So Tracey, is that why he's your STBXH? ;):D

 

Cat

 

Actually he didn't voice this view/opinion until we reached the STBX part. But he's yet to state a decent reason to back his new feeling (except for one i can't mention here).

[mom31257]

You don't have to go to school to learn to deal with others. My dd right now is dealing with a girl "bully" at church. I'm in 2 homeschool support groups so I can make sure my kids are around lots of other people. There are kids in our neighborhood that come around continually. We are in church 3 times a week.

 

I think homeschooling allows you to learn to deal with others in so many more environments and those in a variety of age groups. School is so narrow focused in that you are only around those your age, except teachers.

 

I hope some of this will help your situation.

[Melinda in VT]

You said you were "anxious and concerned and scared" about your son going to ps. Can you explain why?

 

Is there a reason your husband would think your son would have trouble accepting change? Is your husband acting out of a general response to homeschooling or is he responding to something particular he sees in your son?

[angieathome]

HUGS! Husbands are very wise and bring a different skill set to the rasing of children, especially sons. Your son will not be damaged forever in the time it takes to see if your dh's theory will work. If you do not support your husband in his half of the child-raising decision-making, it could take a toll on your marriage. How you handle this decision is teaching your children about marriage as they see you two "partner" through issues where a compromise really isn't possible. I don't mean to "take his side", because I know how heart-wrenching the situation is. I have 2 kids now in public school due to dh's influence, and it has not been all bad, though it would not have been my preference. Hang in there.

[Tabrett]

It sounds to me that your dh is concerned with only "facing fears" and "socialization" without you being involved. These things have nothing to do with you HS'ing him or how he is educated.

 

If you sent him to day camp (child care) during the summer he would receive all the "experiences" you dh is wanting him to receive, without sacrificing his education. Would your dh go for that idea? That way you could school him and he would have time away from you with other care providers and kids. He would have to learn to deal with all the things kids have to deal with in school except you get to educate him.

 

It's worth a try?!?!

[Alison in KY]

Scarlet, a :grouphug: from me.

 

Every year I think I'll hear something like that from my husband, so no, you are not the only one. I get depressed knowing how many of my friends husbands are totally on board with homeschooling and how many hubby's go to curriculum fairs. I just have to put blinders on for my own sanity.

 

My son is soon to be 10, with two more girls, all two years apart (so 10, 8, and 6, well soon to be :001_smile:). When my son was 5 I talked my husband into "trying" homeschooling. The next year I was so stressed out wondering if my trial period was over. I feel a certain weight on my shoulders just from this issue, but I haven't found a solution.

 

In our case, it's more an instance of my husband doubting my teaching ability (which stinks) and thinking our kids would receive a better education down the road. Some of this stems from my using programs that are more relaxed (not standard schoolish stuff), but other of his reasons is just because we handle things differently and he thinks I'm just a slacker. Well to be honest, I have been pretty slack over the past few years...some of it was my going at the kids pace, and some of it is just me not being very organized, thinking those early years they can play play play. Then I see what some ps kids are doing and it wow's me into the reality that my kids are "behind" based upon our ps....which wouldn't matter one bit if I KNEW we were in it for the long haul.

 

Anyway, that's my quick summary. Recently my husband mentioned again that he thinks our kids will be better off in ps. He doesn't want our kids to be older, down the road, and find out that they aren't at all prepared for college or anything like that. I can appreciate his concerns, I wish he'd just jump into homeschooling a bit more positively and maybe offer to teach something but that hasn't happened. He also grew up in a really small nice public school, so I'm sure his school experience is helping him with his decision.

 

In the end, he's got a right to say they need to go to public school and he has allowed me to homeschool for 5 years now. I'd still cry my eyes out and feel like I was throwing my kids to the wolves. His short answer is that it's fine for everyone else (pointing out people we know with good kids that do public school) and that we didn't turn out so bad.

 

He has his points and I have mine. I hope I can keep doing things my way forever, but that may not happen.

 

Someone told you they'd fight over the issue and win. I have done that to a point, and I'll continue to do so, but in our case with two hard headed adults we'd honestly just end up in divorce court over the whole deal and it certainly isn't worth that (if I did that I probably wouldn't afford to homeschool anyway).

 

Anyway, I feel for you and you certainly aren't alone. Hopefully you can offer up some suggestions that will work for you and your husband (join a co-op or start one, etc). God bless and let us all know what happens after the talk.

 

Alison in KY

[Danestress]

First, I know you have expressed in the past some of your concerns about your son's health and happiness. If your husband concerned about things in your son specifically, or does he just have an "all kids need school" perspective. I would be listening very closely if he was expressing his own concerns about our particular son and his own ideas for how to address them. He's a parent too, and he might just not agree with you. If he were taking an "all kids need school" approach, I would probably argue more.

 

Secondly, are you sure your husband is being totally transparent about why he is concerned about homeschool? I would imagine it might feel like walking around landmines to explain to a wife who is really invested in homeschooling why you don't think she's doing the best things for your son.

 

((((((Scarlett)))) I know you must be really upset. I hope this works out in the long run in a way that is best for your son.

[Scarlett]

First, I know you have expressed in the past some of your concerns about your son's health and happiness. If your husband concerned about things in your son specifically, or does he just have an "all kids need school" perspective. I would be listening very closely if he was expressing his own concerns about our particular son and his own ideas for how to address them. He's a parent too, and he might just not agree with you. If he were taking an "all kids need school" approach, I would probably argue more.

 

Secondly, are you sure your husband is being totally transparent about why he is concerned about homeschool? I would imagine it might feel like walking around landmines to explain to a wife who is really invested in homeschooling why you don't think she's doing the best things for your son.

 

((((((Scarlett)))) I know you must be really upset. I hope this works out in the long run in a way that is best for your son.

 

He says he is concerned that ds spends too much time with me...and I think that translates loosely to he is afraid ds9 will be a wimp. Ds is NOT a wimp...he is a regular little 9 year old....but he is nice. Just Saturday night, I had a childhood friend who I had not seen in years observe ds at a big party we were all attending. The friend said that he watched my son give up a toy he was playing with to another child who was younger and wanted it. Ds had the toy first and by rights and all that....friend said, 'you can tell a lot about the character and raising of a child by watching things like that.'

 

Ds is excelling academically. So much so that I worry he will be bored come fall if he goes to school.

 

I get so many positive comments on ds's behavior and personality. No one who knows us can believe dh is insisting he go to school.

[Erica in PA]

I'm very sad and I need a hug. My husband is insisting on putting ds9 in school this fall. I had so hoped he would not force the issue, but I think he is going to. The deadline for re-registering for the VA is April 1. I sent him an email and told him that I am going to honor his wish for ds to go to public school but that I'm feeling anxious and concerned and scared. He wrote back this

 

<<We can talk about it later. I think he needs some experience of change and interacting with other kids in a different environment. If he does not learn how to do that, he will be afraid of change which is natural but not always a good thing. I want him to know he can survive, overcome his fears, and that fear can be exaggerated.>>

 

Has anyone had a similar opinion expressed by their dh and if so how did you respond?

 

I've been crying all morning.

 

In your shoes, I would just make sure that I have tried every other option with dh. I have a few friends whose husbands have been less than supportive when it comes to homeschooling, and it has been frustrating to see how quickly some of them give in to their husband's wishes, even though they have had tons of logical and tangible support for their position (i.e. test scores, accomplishments, evidence of being well-adjusted, positive comments from others, comments from the child expressing desire to be homeschooled, etc.), while their dh has had very little for his (i.e. "I just think every child should be in a classroom- period.")... and yet the wife agrees without even really sharing what she could have with him. Sometimes it has seemed as though the wife is just hoping that God will change his heart on the matter, without her having to say anything. While God is capable of doing that, he doesn't always work that way, and the women I've known have been disappointed with the outcome.

 

So I would make sure that dh had all the information that I had, that I had presented every other option that might soothe his concerns about socialization (i.e. a co-op that meets often, more frequent activities outside the home, enrollment in a virtual charter school, part-time enrollment at a Christian school, etc.), and that he knew how very strongly I disagreed with him (not just emotionally but based on the facts). I would do all of this while emphasizing that this is not based on anything emotional on your part, but a sincere belief that homeschooling is best for your child, founded on logical thinking and evidence.

 

:grouphug: I really hope your husband changes his mind. I would be devastated in your situation. :grouphug:

[Kelli in TN]

I really doubt you, or anybody else for that matter, will agree with how I handled a similar situation.

 

I simply made it the hill I was willing to die on. I love my husband, but I am with these kids 24/7 and I feel I am better equipped to judge their needs. I simply know them better. So when dh suggested that my very squirrelly child would be better served by the hard knock socialization system of public school I chose to stand toe to toe with him and take an over-my-dead-body approach.

 

I am still alive and all the kids are still homeschooling and my husband still adores me and I still adore him.

 

YMMV and all other disclaimers, of course, but as the saying goes "It worked for us."

[elegantlion]

None of this may apply to your situation but this is what I have done. My ds is pretty mild-mannered and also an only son.

 

We try to make sure ds has alone time with dh every week. Dh is self-employed and if he is free in the afternoon or running errands I push ds out the door with him. He has even gone to work with him a few times. We both believe it is vital that ds have that quality & quantity time with his dad.

 

My dh didn't have a dad around after the age of nine so he has been reading books on how to raise a boy to be a man. I knew he wants our son to avoid some of the pitfalls he had.

 

It really was about nine when I started to relinquish some of my parental control over to dh. I'm not sure that is worded correctly but I wanted to make sure they bonded over guy things.

 

We do work to keep his social skills in order and are currently looking for some outside activities. But dh and I are in agreement about our household educational philosophy. I guess that would be my big thing, I'd work to get our educational goals lined up together. Then I would work on ways to build character traits and social skills from that goal.

 

:grouphug:

[BabyBre]

I've been crying all morning.

 

 

That's how I responded. My heart goes out to you. I'm sure yours is breaking like mine did when my dh did the same thing.

 

All you can do is the best with your circumstances, give it 100%. My kids have such an advantage because of the time we did spend homeschooling (and continuing to afterschool) and the time I spend at the school (honestly, to oversee their education).

 

*sigh* But I still regret, and it still hurts. It's just one of those things you have to grin and bear.

 

I'm happy to talk if you want to PM me.

[elegantlion]

I simply made it the hill I was willing to die on. I love my husband, but I am with these kids 24/7 and I feel I am better equipped to judge their needs. I simply know them better. So when dh suggested that my very squirrelly child would be better served by the hard knock socialization system of public school I chose to stand toe to toe with him and take an over-my-dead-body approach.

 

 

:lol: Funny you should say that. My ds is a squirrely kid and my dh is the same way. Dh hated school and learned very little because he was too busy trying to stay still. Dh has told me many times he wishes he had been homeschooled, he would have learned more.

[Laura Corin]

I've not dealt with this, but in your shoes I would talk about seasons in a child's life. Yes, he does need to learn all those things, but does it have to be while he is this young? I remember getting a lot of pushing (not from DH, but from others) to force Calvin into social situations, make him grow up. We didn't do that and he has really blossomed, on his own timetable. He's now a lovely young man, voted 'most helpful' and 'most likely to achieve Eagle Scout' by his last scout troop. He just needed time, not being forced out of his comfort zone.

 

Best wishes with whatever you decide.

 

Laura

[Erica in PA]

I really doubt you, or anybody else for that matter, will agree with how I handled a similar situation.

 

I simply made it the hill I was willing to die on. I love my husband, but I am with these kids 24/7 and I feel I am better equipped to judge their needs. I simply know them better. So when dh suggested that my very squirrelly child would be better served by the hard knock socialization system of public school I chose to stand toe to toe with him and take an over-my-dead-body approach.

 

I am still alive and all the kids are still homeschooling and my husband still adores me and I still adore him.

 

YMMV and all other disclaimers, of course, but as the saying goes "It worked for us."

 

Well, here's one who will agree with you, Kelli: :iagree: And this coming from a conservative woman like me who does strive toward the marital relationship depicted in Ephesians 5. It would be the hill I would die on, too, when it comes to what is best for our children.

 

In fact, I will go further (and now, really, *no one* will agree with me, LOL) and say that *among the couples I have known,* when the father has had an objection to their child being homeschooled, I have not seen one case where the father was actually taking that position because it was his deepest, heartfelt conviction that it was best for that child, based on actual evidence. *In my experience,* it has been about one of the following: 1. Financial considerations; 2. General unease about homeschooling in general; or 3. Lack of true knowledge of either the situation or the child involved.

 

Of course this is not always the case, but this has been what I have observed in my friends and family members over the last 10 years (and on these boards, too!). I would not be willing to let go of my deeply held, heartfelt conviction that homeschooling was best for my child, to honor one of those three positions. If my husband did have strong, persuasive reasons for his position, I would listen to him. But if he didn't... well, then I'm right there with you, Kelli.

[Danestress]

Just a piece of advice. When you talk to him about it, don't talk about your feelings - anxiety etc - about him going to school. Talk about what you want to achieve and how homeschooling fits into that. For example:

 

"I really want DS to homeschool at least through junior high because teaching math one-on-one is so much more effective than 20-on-one, and I want him to have a very strong foundation in math fundamentals and pre-algebra before high school."

 

and

 

"His writing is coming along, but I think he needs a lot of practice on writing convincing essays, which is so important for the SAT, and talking to other parents, I think that schools short-change kids in this area."

 

Or

 

"I was really excited about giving him four years of Latin study before he is ready for the PSAT, because did you know that Latin study is very strongly correlated with performance on the language section of the SAT."

 

That sort of thing.

 

I'm sorry. You are living through something I have imagined and dreaded but never actually faced, something for which I am very thankful! ((((Scarlett))))

[Kelli in TN]

Just a piece of advice. When you talk to him about it, don't talk about your feelings - anxiety etc - about him going to school. Talk about what you want to achieve and how homeschooling fits into that. For example:

 

"I really want DS to homeschool at least through junior high because teaching math one-on-one is so much more effective than 20-on-one, and I want him to have a very strong foundation in math fundamentals and pre-algebra before high school."

 

and

 

"His writing is coming along, but I think he needs a lot of practice on writing convincing essays, which is so important for the SAT, and talking to other parents, I think that schools short-change kids in this area."

 

Or

 

"I was really excited about giving him four years of Latin study before he is ready for the PSAT, because did you know that Latin study is very strongly correlated with performance on the language section of the SAT."

 

That sort of thing.

 

I'm sorry. You are living through something I have imagined and dreaded but never actually faced, something for which I am very thankful! ((((Scarlett))))

 

I have to agree with this. When I took my very bold stance on this issue I pointed out that the schools are full of squirrelly kids who don't know how to deal with others and that these kids tend to land on the bottom of the social ladder. I made a very persuasive argument that entrusting character training to mob rule or the bully system flew in the face all that is logical and sensible.

 

And I said "over my dead body" a lot. You can probably skip the "over my dead body" part, I was pretty angry at the moment.:001_smile:

Edited March 24, 2009 by Kelli in TN

[Catwoman]

I really doubt you, or anybody else for that matter, will agree with how I handled a similar situation.

 

:iagree: I agree with you, Kelli! :iagree:

 

Cat

Edited March 24, 2009 by Catwoman

[Catwoman]

Of course this is not always the case, but this has been what I have observed in my friends and family members over the last 10 years (and on these boards, too!). I would not be willing to let go of my deeply held, heartfelt conviction that homeschooling was best for my child, to honor one of those three positions. If my husband did have strong, persuasive reasons for his position, I would listen to him. But if he didn't... well, then I'm right there with you, Kelli.

 

:iagree: Lining up beside you and Kelli, Erica!

 

Cat

[Catwoman]

And I said "over my dead body" a lot. You can probably skip the "over my dead body" part, I was pretty angry at the moment.:001_smile:

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

Cat

 

PS. I wonder if he finally agreed with you because of your intelligent reasoning, or because he secretly wondered if it would have been "his dead body" if he hadn't... ;)

[kalanamak]

I

 

<<We can talk about it later. I think he needs some experience of change and interacting with other kids in a different environment. If he does not learn how to do that, he will be afraid of change which is natural but not always a good thing. I want him to know he can survive, overcome his fears, and that fear can be exaggerated.>>

 

 

 

Well, if that is his concern, what other ways beside PS could you expose him to? I want the same for my kid, but am getting involved with things other than PS. Is hubby (I'm speaking gently here) concerned because you have a fear of change? Can you do anything that will show you see his point of view and that you can act to overcome your fear of change?

 

Just some thoughts.

[Scarlett]

Well, if that is his concern, what other ways beside PS could you expose him to? I want the same for my kid, but am getting involved with things other than PS. Is hubby (I'm speaking gently here) concerned because you have a fear of change? Can you do anything that will show you see his point of view and that you can act to overcome your fear of change?

 

Just some thoughts.

 

Thank you. I don't fear change. That would be dh. :)

 

I hope to be able to talk to him tonight about other ways we could expose ds to....stuff. The problem is his description of ds..his concerns about ds....don't, IMO match reality. I'm trying to listen though. I really am.

 

So many people though tell me how well rounded ds is. He is bright, does well on tests, makes friends easily...but when dh told him he would be going to school this fall, ds expressed fear. Soooo.....dh wants to send him to school because he is afraid to go to school? I don't know. I'm confused.

 

Ds9 is on the swim team (3 days a week-1 hour each day), piano lessons, and our regular spiritual schedule...One night a week and Sunday. Also some volunteer work. He gets along well with kids...he is very friendly, socialable...

 

So it is difficult for me to see dh's concerns.

 

I think he is worried that ds spends too much time with ME...a woman. I don't see the solution to that being to put him into public school. He worries that he sometimes whines.....I can't get him to see that 9 year olds sometimes whine regardless of where they do school.

 

I won't give in without talking it through...but our tendency is to fight not discuss....so I'm concerned it won't go well.

 

It isn't a hill for me to die on.....but I'm very very sad. Now if ds goes to school and it is a disastor...then it might turn into a hill upon which to die.

[Catwoman]

So it is difficult for me to see dh's concerns.

 

I think he is worried that ds spends too much time with ME...a woman. I don't see the solution to that being to put him into public school. He worries that he sometimes whines.....I can't get him to see that 9 year olds sometimes whine regardless of where they do school.

 

 

It sounds like your ds is already more well-rounded than most ps kids.

 

Maybe I'm completely out of line here, but are you sure your dh isn't jealous of your relationship with your ds? Is dh feeling left out? Could he be thinking that you and your ds won't be as close if your ds goes to school?

 

Every 9 year-old whines, but not every 9 year-old has as many worthwhile interests and activities as yours does.

 

Personally, I can't think of a single valid reason for putting your ds in school, as it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of homeschooling him. It sounds to me like your dh is being emotional and is grasping at any straw he can find, just to force your ds into school. If it were my son, I'd stand my ground, but I'm a pretty tough cookie. Only you know what's best for your family, but it seems as though your dh is looking for a problem where none exists, and I see no reason to agree with an unreasonable and irrational argument just to keep your dh happy, particularly when it's going to make you and your ds miserable.

 

Good luck with your discussion. I hope you can stay calm and focused... and remember, your son's best interests need to come first, and if you truly believe he's doing well as he is, he needs you to stand up for him.

 

Please let us know how it goes!

 

Cat

[Remudamom]

There's no way to ask this nicely so I'll just ask. Is your dh perhaps afraid that your son is turning into a sissy, a mama's boy? If so, perhaps you could remedy that with some carefully chosen activities to allay his fears?

[WTMCassandra]

It sounds like your ds is already more well-rounded than most ps kids.

 

Maybe I'm completely out of line here, but are you sure your dh isn't jealous of your relationship with your ds? Is dh feeling left out? Could he be thinking that you and your ds won't be as close if your ds goes to school?

 

Every 9 year-old whines, but not every 9 year-old has as many worthwhile interests and activities as yours does.

 

Personally, I can't think of a single valid reason for putting your ds in school, as it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of homeschooling him. It sounds to me like your dh is being emotional and is grasping at any straw he can find, just to force your ds into school. If it were my son, I'd stand my ground, but I'm a pretty tough cookie. Only you know what's best for your family, but it seems as though your dh is looking for a problem where none exists, and I see no reason to agree with an unreasonable and irrational argument just to keep your dh happy, particularly when it's going to make you and your ds miserable.

 

Good luck with your discussion. I hope you can stay calm and focused... and remember, your son's best interests need to come first, and if you truly believe he's doing well as he is, he needs you to stand up for him.

 

Please let us know how it goes!

 

Cat

 

I think this is worth exploring. Is your DH possibly jealous, or does he think your son is being sissified? If it's the latter, the person who recommended him spending more time with his dad would be great. In fact, I think it would be a great solution if he is jealous, too!

 

How much time does your son spend with Dad?

 

I agree with catwoman, particularly in that if your son is truly doing well, that you need to stand up for him. And it sounds like you even have outside corroboration that he's doing well, which is great.

 

Has your dad seen a group of boys that age and truly know how they act? Could you arrange to have him observe a cub scout troop, an AWANA troop, or other group of similar age?

 

I think some method of providing your husband with data that he can see/touch/hear would help a lot to bolster your case.

Edited March 25, 2009 by WTMCassandra

[Scarlett]

There's no way to ask this nicely so I'll just ask. Is your dh perhaps afraid that your son is turning into a sissy, a mama's boy? If so, perhaps you could remedy that with some carefully chosen activities to allay his fears?

 

Yes....I think this is dh's very real fear.

 

What sort of activities? Right now they are playing a very violent XBox game together. Does that count?

[Remudamom]

I should have read everything before replying. I see you're considering the wimp aspect.

 

If this is his concern, it could be valid. This is something I hate to see, sissified only sons. Before you blow up at me, think about it.

 

However, PS isn't the cure, more time with dad is.

[Scarlett]

I think this is worth exploring. Is your DH possibly jealous, or does he think your son is being sissified? If it's the latter, the person who recommended him spending more time with his dad would be great. In fact, I think it would be a great solution if he is jealous, too!

 

How much time does your son spend with Dad?

 

I agree with catwoman, particularly in that if your son is truly doing well, that you need to stand up for him. And it sounds like you even have outside corroboration that he's doing well, which is great.

 

Has your dad seen a group of boys that age and truly know how they act? Could you arrange to have him observe a cub scout troop, an AWANA troop, or other group of similar age?

 

I think some method of providing your husband with data that he can see/touch/hear would help a lot to bolster your case.

 

 

That is a good idea.....not sure how to find such a group...:) but a good idea.

 

And yes ds REALLY needs to spend more time with his Dad. *I* can't fix that though. It is not as if I keep him from his dad. Dh does not make it a priority to do things with ds. That is an issue that ps will not solve.

[Catwoman]

Right now they are playing a very violent XBox game together. Does that count?

 

LOL! Yes, that counts!

 

If your dh is concerned that your ds is turning into a sissy, I can't imagine that sending him to school would solve the problem... but more time with Dad would be a big step in the right direction!

 

Quick question -- does your ds have enough time alone with his dad? I know that I've been guilty of lurking around too much when my dh and ds are together, so I make a conscious effort to give them "guy time" without me, so they can do their "guy stuff" without me being in the way.

 

Cat

[Scarlett]

I should have read everything before replying. I see you're considering the wimp aspect.

 

If this is his concern, it could be valid. This is something I hate to see, sissified only sons. Before you blow up at me, think about it.

 

However, PS isn't the cure, more time with dad is.

 

I'm right there with you. I don't want a sissified boy either. I don't think he is though....really I don't.

 

He is a kind, sensitive boy, but also very rough and tumble and all boy. He really isn't sissified.

 

However, I totally absolutely agree the boy needs more time with his dad. Without Mom. How do I get that across to dh in the discussions about hs vs. ps?

[Scarlett]

LOL! Yes, that counts!

 

If your dh is concerned that your ds is turning into a sissy, I can't imagine that sending him to school would solve the problem... but more time with Dad would be a big step in the right direction!

 

Quick question -- does your ds have enough time alone with his dad? I know that I've been guilty of lurking around too much when my dh and ds are together, so I make a conscious effort to give them "guy time" without me, so they can do their "guy stuff" without me being in the way.

 

Cat

 

They don't have enough time without me. But it is not my doing. Dh doesn't make it a priority. I even suggest things....for instance I'm doing an out of town 5K in a couple of weeks...planned it with dh several months ahead of time to take care of ds. A week ago dh decides to go see a comedian in town instead. So a perfect chance for him to spend with ds he passes up.

[Catwoman]

It looks like we were posting at the same time, Scarlett!

 

So... your dh is concerned that your son will turn out to be girly, yet he's not providing enough of a male influence... and somehow this is all the fault of homeschooling and can be solved by enrolling ds in public school...

 

Not so much!!!

 

I really think your dh is jealous of your strong relationship with your ds, and wishes he had the same relationship with him... except that he doesn't know how to achieve it. Was your dh close to his own dad? Did his father set a good example of what a dad should be?

 

Cat

[Catwoman]

Wow, he chose to go see a comedian instead of spending time with your ds, and he still thinks he has the right to tell you to put your ds in school???

 

I would be livid.

 

Cat

[WTMCassandra]

However, I totally absolutely agree the boy needs more time with his dad. Without Mom. How do I get that across to dh in the discussions about hs vs. ps?

 

How about, "I agree with your goal of making sure DS grows up manly and brave, and I know there's things in that realm I'm not equipped to teach him. However, I'm not sure PS is the best way to achieve that goal. Do we want our son to learn to be a man from a bunch of other children his age (the blind leading the blind), or from a real man? I think he should learn from the best real man I know! (batting eyes) I think that you are the best person equipped to teach him those things. I think time spent with you would be way more valuable than time he would spend in public school."

[WTMCassandra]

They don't have enough time without me. But it is not my doing. Dh doesn't make it a priority. I even suggest things....for instance I'm doing an out of town 5K in a couple of weeks...planned it with dh several months ahead of time to take care of ds. A week ago dh decides to go see a comedian in town instead. So a perfect chance for him to spend with ds he passes up.

 

This is sad to hear. So, it sounds to ME like he wants the PS to do his job, although he perhaps doesn't realize it.

 

The more I hear about this, the more I would make this a hill to die on if it were me.

 

PS will NOT teach your child how to be a man. No school can substitute for father time. None.

[Aubrey]

However, I totally absolutely agree the boy needs more time with his dad. Without Mom. How do I get that across to dh in the discussions about hs vs. ps?

 

Could you tell dh you need to go away *now*--I don't know, time to think about his ps proposal--& leave ds w/ him for a day or two?

 

OR would he agree to take ds a couple of times a mo for the next 2-3 mos & THEN decide what to do? I know you said there's an April deadline, but that can't be set in stone. I mean, there are plenty of extenuating circumstances--job loss, moves, etc--that would cause someone to need an extension.

 

GL, Scarlett. :grouphug: I'm w/ Kelli in this camp. I'm up here on my hill w/ my pitchfork & torch. ;) The weather's nice...

[Catwoman]

The more I hear about this, the more I would make this a hill to die on if it were me.

 

Me, too.

 

I just hope your dh wasn't as serious as he seemed, and that he'll be more reasonable once he's had time to reconsider, so this won't turn into a huge problem for you, Scarlett.

 

Cat

Edited March 25, 2009 by Catwoman