Is anyone here an actual therapist/psychologist?

[Home'scool]

I have a professional etiquette question.

 

My mother is seeing a therapist - I believe the therapist calls herself a "life crisis therapist." My mother is an alcohol and prescription drug addict.

 

My mother has seen many many therapists over my lifetime, and she always manipulates the situation so that only a very distorted view, favorable to her, of what is going on in her life emerges. She therefore never truly gets any help.

 

During this most recent process my sister and I have written my mother letters regarding her therapy. We aren't able to speak with her on the phone. My step-father, a huge enabler, speaks for her.

 

My mother showed our letters to the therapist without our permission, and the therapist is using them against us. This therapist has refused to speak with us, but counsels our mother against us -- all because of what my mother has told her, I am sure. None of these letters were abusive or anything like that.

 

Although I realize that my mother offered these letters to the therapist, it just seems wrong that the therapist would take them, read them, and then base a diagnosis of us on them.

 

Am I right in feeling that this was completely unprofessional of the therapist, or is it something that is completely within the realm of proper therapy? My mother has a history of finding only real whack-job therapists to help her, so I am thinking that is the case again.

[Twinmom]

I am a former therapist, if that counts for anything! Based on what you've said, it's impossible to tell if the therapist's call is appropriate or not. Refusing to speak to you can be related back to professional ethics, but that's about all I can say for certain. Sadly, it appears that there is little you can do here. She doesn't want you involved in her therapy for good or for bad...and she has the right to make that call. Don't follow your stepfather's example and become an enabler in a different way...by trying to muscle your way in where you aren't welcome, with all the ensuing drama. Take care of yourself and your immediate family and let your mom live her life the way she chooses, destructive or not. Removing the drama may be the best thing you can do for her.

 

If she's an imminent danger to herself or others (ie, suicidal or homicidal, or so strung out on drugs that you fear imminently for her life), inform the therapist via voice mail. She has an obligation to investigate. If you still aren't satisfied, you can seek a mental health or chemical dependency warrant through the mental health court in your city. If you can obtain the warrant, she will be forcibly taken to a psychiatric emergency room and evaluated. They usually can only hold for up to 24-48 hours...any longer requires them to be able to confirm active suicidal or homicidal ideation.

 

I'm so sorry.

[laughing lioness]

I wanted to add that if the therapist is not licensed by a governing board then she might not be a mandated reporter.

It's impossible to know what the theapist did with the letters or how she is "using" them. For your own sake I would put all assumptions aside and if you believe that personal info you are sharing with your mom is being taken out of context I would not share with her in the form of letters again.

[Joanne]

My mother is an alcohol and prescription drug addict.

 

I'm not a therapist (yet ;)). I am, however, clean and sober for nearly 18 years.

 

My first question about your mom is that has she sought and sustained proven help for her addictions? Therapy for an active or unrecovered addict is usually fruitless until that addict first begins recovery from alcoholism/addiction.

 

My next question is have you and your sister gotten help for the issues that arise from having been raised by an addicted mom and still engaged with one?

 

Your writing letters, to me, seems to suggest possible boundary issues on your part.

 

Your mom had every right to share the letters with her therapist. You have no say. You also have no role or say, unless invited, in your mom's therapy.

 

In terms of the therapist? Don't believe your mom's words or representation on it.

[kalanamak]

 

My mother showed our letters to the therapist without our permission' date=' and the therapist is using them against us. This therapist has refused to speak with us, but counsels our mother against us -- all because of what my mother has told her, I am sure.

[/quote']

 

How do you know the above?

 

BTW, once a letter is sent, your mother didn't need permission to show them to anyone.

 

What is "refusing to speak" mean? Won't return calls? Has put a restraining order on you? Won't give you info on your mother?

 

How do you know she counsels your mother against you? Your mother told you? Her husband told you? The therapist did speak to you?

 

I know this is probably a painful and scary situation, but sorting out what is really going on is IMPORTANT and also very hard, as the addict knows knowledge is power, and keeping everyone confused and on tenderhooks is a way to keep on using. My educated guess is that your mother lies...to you, to hubby, to herself, to her therapist, to the bank teller. I'd take NO info from her as "true".

:grouphug:

[Home'scool]

In response to everyone:

 

My mother is not an imminent danger to herself. She thinks way too much of herself to ever have suicidal tendencies.

 

I found out that she showed our letters to the therapist through my stepfather. When I say my mother refuses to speak with us, she is doing what she usually does. SHe plays the victim and "falls into chaos" (her words, not mine) anytime she thinks she may have to discuss her "recovery" with us. She loves nothing more than to feel like she is the star of a really bad, over-acted dramatic role. She will sit in a corner and wring her hands while my step-father speaks for her. So when I say she will not speak with us, what I mean is she uses any opportunity to feed her need for drama and feed her need to be seen as a weak victim. And my stepfather loves to play the role of "the man in charge" so they feed off each other.

 

In speaking to him, though, he was more than happy to tell us how much the therapist thinks my sister and I are responsible for the turmoil in my mother's life. How they showed the letters to the therapist and she diagnosed us on the spot. This is the same therapist she went to 6 years ago who actually told her she was NOT an alcoholic and that she certainly should be able to have a drink now and then to relax. I am sure my mother has not told her all of her addictive behavior. How she has driven drunk many times, how she has stolen prescription drugs from family members, how she brought home pot and asked my sister and me (when we were 10 and 12 )how to smoke it, how she hides her vodka in the back of the toilet, how she was found by my sister this last relapse stumbling and drooling she was so drunk - at 2:00 p.m. ..... etc.

 

The only thing we addressed in our letters to her is our concern that this therapy would take the same path as the others. How we hoped that this time she would be open and honest and get the help she needs. We have also repeatedly asked to be involved in this process, a request she has flat out refused. We know if we are not involved, as we have not been allowed to be involved in the past, that there is no hope for her. I am getting to the point where I think even if we were involved there is no hope. This therapist is a nut, and is exactly what my mother needs to continue.

 

I personally have never gone to therapy to address being raised by an alcholic mother. I have felt that, so far, I have been able to deal with all of this. I have a strong marriage of 20 years and a great relationship with my kids. The life I have carved out for myself is the exact opposite of what I had. I am very happy and very satisfied with my life except for the relationship with my mother and I see that as a result of her disfunction. Believe me, I haven't always been in such a good spot, but my 40+ years have led me to a good spot.

 

I do think, though, that I will be going to a therapist this time. I need some help in dealing with what I believe will be the option of cutting ties with her permanently. She just will never get any better because she truly believes she is a good mother and a good person and has no problems.

 

Joanne - you gave me good advice once (and thank you again for your help!) You said I needed to give my mother the life she has chosen to lead. I am going to get on with the business of doing that. Our writing a letter to her was a last ditch attempt on our part to try and help her get help. I should know better by this point, but I wrote the letter anyways.

 

The whole "showed the letter to the therapist" just made me feel ..... icky and just seemd so wrong. But, we all know that addicts don't play by any rules of decency.

[kalanamak]

 

In speaking to him' date=' though, he was more than happy to tell us how much the therapist thinks my sister and I are responsible for the turmoil in my mother's life. How they showed the letters to the therapist and she diagnosed us on the spot. [/quote']

 

I wouldn't believe him either.

 

I wish you the peace and courage to let her go and to be prepared for being blamed for the turmoil in her life when you back out, as well. I hope you are on nice terms with your sister. A sibling to cast sympathetic glances to is so comforting.

[Joanne]

In response to everyone:

 

 

 

In speaking to him' date=' though, he was more than happy to tell us how much the therapist thinks my sister and I are responsible for the turmoil in my mother's life. How they showed the letters to the therapist and she diagnosed us on the spot. This is the same therapist she went to 6 years ago who actually told her she was NOT an alcoholic and that she certainly should be able to have a drink now and then to relax. I am sure my mother has not told her all of her addictive behavior. How she has driven drunk many times, how she has stolen prescription drugs from family members, how she brought home pot and asked my sister and me (when we were 10 and 12 )how to smoke it, how she hides her vodka in the back of the toilet, how she was found by my sister this last relapse stumbling and drooling she was so drunk - at 2:00 p.m. ..... etc.

 

The only thing we addressed in our letters to her is our concern that this therapy would take the same path as the others. How we hoped that this time she would be open and honest and get the help she needs. We have also repeatedly asked to be involved in this process, a request she has flat out refused. We know if we are not involved, as we have not been allowed to be involved in the past, that there is no hope for her. I am getting to the point where I think even if we were involved there is no hope. This therapist is a nut, and is exactly what my mother needs to continue.

 

I personally have never gone to therapy to address being raised by an alcholic mother. I have felt that, so far, I have been able to deal with all of this. I have a strong marriage of 20 years and a great relationship with my kids. The life I have carved out for myself is the exact opposite of what I had. I am very happy and very satisfied with my life except for the relationship with my mother and I see that as a result of her disfunction. Believe me, I haven't always been in such a good spot, but my 40+ years have led me to a good spot.

 

I do think, though, that I will be going to a therapist this time. I need some help in dealing with what I believe will be the option of cutting ties with her permanently. She just will never get any better because she truly believes she is a good mother and a good person and has no problems.

 

Joanne - you gave me good advice once (and thank you again for your help!) You said I needed to give my mother the life she has chosen to lead. I am going to get on with the business of doing that. Our writing a letter to her was a last ditch attempt on our part to try and help her get help. I should know better by this point, but I wrote the letter anyways.

 

The whole "showed the letter to the therapist" just made me feel ..... icky and just seemd so wrong. But, we all know that addicts don't play by any rules of decency.[/quote']

 

 

{{Hugs}} I understand you feel violated and exposed.

 

I'm glad you are going to pursue therapy for yourself. It will help with thinking you have any power over your mother and her choices. Truly, and with respect and gentleness, your MOM is the only one who can do this. You and your sister being involved won't "help" or get to the truth any sooner. Thinking you should be involved is part of the enmeshed dynamic.

 

I hear and believe you've cultivated a positive family life the polar opposite of your life! :):001_smile:

 

I also would not believe what your Mom or sDad say about what the therapist tells her. ;)