Ideas for potty-training a very reluctant child...

[PineFarmMom]

My just-turned-3yo is NOT wanting to be potty trained. This is my 4th child, so you'd think I'd know something about this topic. He just marches to a different tune than my others did. The big boy topic doesn't work. We've tried other tactics, including putting underwear on him and filling him with fluids, keeping him near his potty. He just wet himself. He is hard-headed, and this seems to be a battle of the wills. I'm just trying to make sure that is what I'm dealing with here. My other 3 were potty-trained before 3yo, but not far before. Suggestions? Particularly from those who have more strong-willed boys??

 

Teresa

[eternalknot]

I'm not sure as to the maturity and skill level of your child, but by 3 years old my kids were able to "help" to a certain extent in the potty area. Is there a way you can allow him to continue diapers but otherwise have him go through the motions of being potty-learned? For instance, he can wear and use his diaper but he needs to diaper himself (put on, take off) and wipe or bath in between soilings, and then take soiled diapers to the trash can or washer. Obviously he will still need some parental help (or at least supervision) but it will start him on the process of meeting his own potty needs.

 

Perhaps you can tell him that it's time to compromise, whether for your own sanity or family finances or what-have-you ... such as he can start each day with a diaper, but once it is soiled he will have to transition to underwear for the rest of the day. Maybe switch to cloth if you aren't there already, and let him know that you only have two or three diapers, so once he soils those he has to wait for them to be washed and dried before he can have them back - in the meanwhile he'll have to wear his underwear. It's no more expensive than disposables, and he can help with the washing.

 

My kids are incredibly strong-willed, and as long as they feel like I'm at least trying to meet them partway they become more cooperative. It's all in the marketing LOL, how I "market" a situation or change to them. Whatever you decide to do, best of luck.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Along the lines of how you market things to him. I've had success getting strong-willed kids to do things when I give them some say in things. Of course for something like this, I pick my choices very carefully!

 

"Do you want to sit on the potty now or in 5 minutes?!" If he chooses in five minutes, let him set the timer. Then it will be the timer and his own choice telling him that it is time to go on the potty.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

My ds didn't want to have anything to do with it at 3yo. At that age, he was very much into the mindset of, "If it's Mom's idea -- it's a BAD idea." He wouldn't do anything for me. I bowed to the knowledge that there was absolutely no way I could make him use the potty where and when I wanted him to. So, I simply let it go.

 

When he was almost 3 1/2, my mom came to visit. She asked if I wanted her to give it a try. I said, "Sure." Using a timer, she had him totally trained in 2 days. I'm serious. I don't know if it was his older age (maybe he was just more ready, and would have done it for me -- I'll never know), or if it was because he just wanted to please his Nana, but he proudly passed from diapers to being dry day and night in two days. He never had an accident (that I can remember), and he never used diapers again. I'm so glad I didn't fight with him for those months.

 

My advice: Just wait. He apparently didn't get the memo that said he was supposed to be potty trained by 3yo. That's okay. He'll get it in his time, without pressure.

[abreakfromlife]

handfuls of chocolate chips. :D:D:D My 3 yo was the same way.....he had noooo interest and it was driving me nuts. Finally, one day he just decided he wanted to pee like a big boy. He turned 3 in Dec, and it's been about a month that he's been trained........but he is incredibly stubborn...I've tried to wean him off choc. chips, like I did the other kids, getting to the point where they know how to go, so they dont' need a reward.....and he will refuse to go. He'll pee and poop his pants - which are now pull-ups after a week of poopy underwear - he just didn't care. So.........somehow I've got myself stuck here :tongue_smilie: I figure it's only been a couple of weeks, so I'm going to give it a little longer and try weaning again, and then if he tries peeing in his pants again, then we'll have to come up with some discipline.

[FO4UR]

My oldest didn't PT untill he was 3.5yo (I had a 1yo and a newborn and him all in cloth at once:glare:)

 

He was stubborn! He COULD do it - kwim. Finally, I just started putting him in undies and making him clean up his own messes. (I did sneak behind him to sanitize.....and I tried to be outside 90% of the day:tongue_smilie:) It took about 3 days to figure out it's much easier to just go to the toilet rather than mopping up urine, changing clothes 5x per day.

 

The plus side to late training is that after those 2 miserable days, he was done - I can count on one hand the number of accidents he has had, and he is 6yo now.

 

eta: when I made him clean up his mess, I was VERY calm but firm about it - in fact I would grab a book and read like it was no big deal.

[momof8]

I don't know if anyone would agree with me, but after hitting my 6th child, I decided to wait until he was three instead of aggravating myself with potty training too early and I used BRIBERY!! I gave him an M and M or something like that until he was potty trained. It took a week. Of course it back fired a little and he would go and make two drops and ask for a piece of candy! every child is different when it comes to this issue.

[TxMama]

I didn't potty-train any of my kids. I did purchase them a potty and underwear and gave them the opportunity to use them when they wanted.

 

They all figured it out with minimal effort on my part. When they decided to use the potty they were completely trained---meaning no accidents, no diapers, minimal help from me---- within a few days. Usually in 1-2 days for daytime and less than a week for nighttime. They each reached this milestone sometime between 2 1/2 -3 except my youngest son who would've done it at age 3 if I wasn't on an extended bedrest for a problem pregnancy. He did potty-trained himself by 3 1/2 once our lives returned to a normal routine. I did teach the mechanics of wiping, washing hands, etc when they decided to make the transition to underwear....I didn't want anyone to think these poor kids had to learn proper bathroom habits by chance! :tongue_smilie:

 

If you are having problems I suggest just backing off.....make sure you have him in diapers and not pullups and let him figure out the rest when he is ready. He WILL do it. Stubborn or not.

[runamuk]

My son, a very strong-willed boy, was almost 4 years old before he was potty trained. He knew what to do and would even leave the room, wet himself, then come back and want to be changed. He just didn't want to use the toilet. We tried it all - charts, candy, stickers, the works. I finally put the diapers away and put him in underwear. He wet himself every time those first two days, not even bothering to try to make it to the bathroom. On the third day, my husband told him that if he wet himself, he could change himself (he was 3 weeks shy of his 4th birthday and had been dressing himself for more than a year). He was trained by the end of the day.

 

The only reason this worked, though, was because he was more than ready to use the toilet. He knew what to do, when he needed to do it and how to do it. If your son isn't ready, then this probably won't work.

 

Good luck to you! I know this is frustrating.

[Miss Sherry]

My ds didn't want to have anything to do with it at 3yo. At that age, he was very much into the mindset of, "If it's Mom's idea -- it's a BAD idea." He wouldn't do anything for me. I bowed to the knowledge that there was absolutely no way I could make him use the potty where and when I wanted him to. So, I simply let it go.

 

When he was almost 3 1/2, my mom came to visit. She asked if I wanted her to give it a try. I said, "Sure." Using a timer, she had him totally trained in 2 days. I'm serious. I don't know if it was his older age (maybe he was just more ready, and would have done it for me -- I'll never know), or if it was because he just wanted to please his Nana, but he proudly passed from diapers to being dry day and night in two days. He never had an accident (that I can remember), and he never used diapers again. I'm so glad I didn't fight with him for those months.

 

My advice: Just wait. He apparently didn't get the memo that said he was supposed to be potty trained by 3yo. That's okay. He'll get it in his time, without pressure.

 

I Love it . :001_smile: Potty trained in two days. You could market this idea. Write a book and tell Moms to just wait until their sons are 3 1/2 or 4 and get grandma or an aunt to potty train them. :001_smile:

My son was also about 3 1/2 when he was fully potty trained. I didn't push it and figured it was going to happen. Other people kept asking me when I was going to potty train him. My standard answer was "We're in the process." LOL. I figured they didn't need to know and pushing him wasn't going to be pleasant or helpful.

[Alice]

My oldest was just shy of 3 1/2 when he was finally potty-trained. What worked for us was a combination of things others have mentioned. First I completely backed off for about 6 weeks. I had let myself get frustrated and it had turned into a battle. I just stopped completely. I left the little potty out but didn't ever mention it or discuss the idea with him. Towards the end of the time I told him that March 1st would be underwear day and we'd have no more diapers. But that's all I said. I reminded him of that casually a few times but didn't say anything else. Towards the very end of the 6 weeks he asked to pee on the potty a few times. I just said "ok, sure." and left it at that.

 

Then on the set date I put him in underwear. I also made him a sticker chart with 30 blocks on it. He had to pee or poop on the potty to get a sticker. At the end of it I drew a Thomas train (his choice of reward). It took about a week total at that point. He was completely ready and could do it so he had few accidents. I let him wear a diaper a few times, like when we went to church on the second day. I just explained it as "You can wear a diaper to church because you are still learning. When you get home we'll put the underwear on." He had no problem with that.

 

After that, he wanted a second sticker chart. :) So I made him a chart with 7 blocks, but to get a sticker he had to have a whole day with no accidents. The reward at the end was also a Thomas train. It took him about another week to finish that and by that point he was done. He really never had another accident.

 

I think for me the most important thing was taking the time off. It gave me time to sto being frustrated and just to stop thinking about it. And it was long enough that he kind of forgot that it was a battle and it became more of his choice rather than something that he was fighting me about.

[Tired_Mama]

I can empathize 100%. My pig-headed third child is older than your son and is still in diapers. It's not for lack of trying and it's not because she doesn't know how, it's because she doesn't want to. At all. She likes being in control and I'm sick of fighting her.

 

Rewards do nothing, charts are meaningless and all the other traditional things that work for every other child on the planet (including my older two) don't work w/this one.

 

Right now I'm trying just not caring. I told her that her pee-pee and BM are hers and hers alone to deal with. She can choose panties or diapers at any point throughout the day. If she chooses a diaper and she wets it I bite my tongue as hard as I can and just don't say a WORD. When SHE expresses interest in being change I will take her to her diaper changing area, but I tell her it's her responsibility to clean up. She must take off her wet diaper, throw it away, wipe herself off, lay out her new diaper and center her bottom on her new, clean diaper and then I'll help her do the tabs. Obviously I have to help a bit more if it's BM. But, more than anything else, I just don't say a WORD. I never comment or let my face react positively or negatively to any of her choices; I just pretend I couldn't give a whit.

 

Is it working? I don't know. Yesterday was the first day I tried it and by the afternoon she got frustrated laying out her new diaper and said, "Actually, I want to wear panties." I said, "Well, whatever, it's up to you." She put panties on and proceeded to go potty (w/no prompting or suggestion from anyone) later that evening and kept them dry 'til bedtime. But now this morning again she chose a diaper and hasn't said a word about it all day, even though it's now practically hanging around her ankles. She'll give in soon though. I know her well enough to know that she's pushing to see just how far my "I don't care" attitude will go.

Edited March 13, 2009 by Tired_Mama

[Ellyndria]

I am a failure at potty-training DS, at least I feel like it.

 

But I do/did have that strong-willed boy who adamantly did NOT want to be a big boy (still doesn't!), so I'll tell you our story.

 

I put the little potty in the bathroom a little before he was 2.5 years old. He was agreeable to sitting on it the first few times, and even the first time he sat on it, he went in it. "Great!" I thought. "This might not be as bad as I thought." Ha. He decided he didn't really want to sit on it though, so I didn't push it. I figured there was lots of time. He sat on it very occasionally when he felt like it, and always went in it when he did.

 

Then about 3 yrs 3 mos, I decided it was time he should be using it more. He had to sit on it when waking up, before going out, and before bed minimum. He would always go. Also enter pullups. I think the pullups were a mistake, but oh well. If the pullups were just wet, I made him change them himself, he hated that. I said you can change your own pullup, or I will help you with underwear. He still chose the pullups. We tried underwear a few times... even if he had just gone, he would wet himself not 15 minutes later sometimes. He didn't want to wear underwear. Buying him underwear that he picked out only made him want to wear it twice. He also would always have a very soaked overnight pullup.

 

I tried to get him to wear underwear again about a month or two before he turned 4. Oh my, all out screaming fit. And he wet it 20 mins later. Changed, wet it again not long after. After the third time, he sneaked into his room and put on a pullup.

 

So then, still about a month before his birthday, I told him that when he turned 4, that he would have to start wearing underwear all the time when he was awake, because 4 year olds don't wear pullups. I reminded him a few times during that month, so he had time to get used to it.

 

So that first day we put him in underwear, we went out for a couple hours, and he was fine. Later that week he wet himself three times. It's been about two weeks now. The first few days I kept asking him if he had to go potty, but I think he got annoyed with me asking, so I stopped. It's been nice watching him actually recognize that he has to go, and go all on his own. Since switching to underwear, he's been staying dry at night for the first time. We even forgot to put a night pullup on him a few days ago, and he was fine. I'm still sorta scared about nighttime though, since he always ends up in my bed before morning. :tongue_smilie:

 

Wish I'd insisted on him wearing underwear 6-12 months ago. But maybe there would have been more accidents then, I don't know. The birthday was a good excuse for us though.

Edited March 13, 2009 by Ellyndria

[Storm Bay]

I'm not sure as to the maturity and skill level of your child, but by 3 years old my kids were able to "help" to a certain extent in the potty area. Is there a way you can allow him to continue diapers but otherwise have him go through the motions of being potty-learned? For instance, he can wear and use his diaper but he needs to diaper himself (put on, take off) and wipe or bath in between soilings, and then take soiled diapers to the trash can or washer. Obviously he will still need some parental help (or at least supervision) but it will start him on the process of meeting his own potty needs.

 

Perhaps you can tell him that it's time to compromise, whether for your own sanity or family finances or what-have-you ... such as he can start each day with a diaper, but once it is soiled he will have to transition to underwear for the rest of the day. Maybe switch to cloth if you aren't there already, and let him know that you only have two or three diapers, so once he soils those he has to wait for them to be washed and dried before he can have them back - in the meanwhile he'll have to wear his underwear. It's no more expensive than disposables, and he can help with the washing.

 

My kids are incredibly strong-willed, and as long as they feel like I'm at least trying to meet them partway they become more cooperative. It's all in the marketing LOL, how I "market" a situation or change to them. Whatever you decide to do, best of luck.

 

 

This is a wise post, and I wish I'd thought of this with my strong willed dc. For my girls it was easier, since I stripped them from the waist down and they hated the dribble. Ds was 4 when he trained, but then the dribble didn't work! Of course, I wiped him until he was 5 because I hate marks in underwear (squeamish there, I know.) But I did have him to the first couple of wipes and then finished it off--after he was potty trained as I didn't think of this great idea.

 

One other question--can he dress himself yet? Ds couldn't completely dress himself until he was 5, but was doing pants & briefs by 4. It wasn't stubbornness, he really couldn't do the shirts himself, and he is not "slow" intellectually. Just has a different motor developmental schedule--he could balance on one leg very early (so I was told by his OT--he had one because he had moderately low muscle tone), but had been a late walker.

[Terabith]

My first daughter was completely potty trained right after turning two. I thought, "Hey, what's thebig deal with this? No sweat." :lol:

 

My second daughter turned two. I would take her to the potty and she would scream bloody murder. She had nightmares in which she was saying, "No potty! NO POTTY!"

 

I decided she wasn't ready. I certainly wasn't ready for that kind of struggle. The potty was available. She had pretty and cute underwear in a variety of favored characters. I would periodically suggest, off handedly, "You want to sit on the potty?" We watched the dvd Potty Power. She loved the dvd, but would have nothing to do with the potty. She would say, "I do not want to use the potty. I like diapers." I kept thinking, okay, it'll come; it'll come.

 

She turned three. I told myself, okay, this is ridiculous. I bought m&m's and made a sticker chart. She sat on the potty once and then said, "Mommy, I like m&m's a lot, but not enough to use the potty."

 

Okay, then.....

 

Meanwhile, she started preschool in pull ups. She would occassionally use the potty at school to pee, and she was no longer screaming in terror at the thought of peeing on the potty. But pooping just was NOT happening. I offered to let her wear panties and she could tell me when she needed to poop and I would give her a diaper. But, no. She was very afraid of having an accident, even though we'd never made any fuss about them at all. ("Whoops. Accidents happen. No big deal.")

 

The month she hit 3.5, she was no longer terrified of the potty, and would sometimes use it to pee. We started giving stickers for pooping on the potty. No prize associated with stickers, just the joy of stickers. This was (now that she was ready) surprisingly gratifying. And then one day I said, "When we're out of pull ups, we're not getting any more. We'll have some special night time pull ups, but only for bedtime." When we ran out, she cried a bit, but only had a handful of accidents over a couple of days, and now about four months later she's totally trained even at night, and I can't remember the last time she had an accident.

 

So for us, the trick was waiting until she was old enough to be emotionally ready. She had been physically and maturationally ready for more than a year before her emotions caught up with her. She's a kid who has a hard time letting go and growing up. Once she reached that, she still had to be prodded and enticed with stickers and then the removal of stickers, but it was sooooo much easier.

 

(Oh, and I bought her some boy underwear. She loves dinosaurs and Diego, not Dora, and those were only in boy underwear. These were incredibly exciting and a major reward. Plus, they are softer and more comfy than a lot of panties.)

[Miss Sherry]

Years ago I had a friend at work who has a twin sister. She said that when they entered Kindergarten her sister was still wearing diapers. The other kids laughed and made fun of her diaper so she decided to be potty trained. :lol: