3lilreds in NC Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I am not quite sure what to do. Abbie would like to read some of Emma's books, and Emma does not want to let her. Of course, Abbie decides that she *must* read what Emma is currently reading, and then makes a huge stink when Emma won't share - but Emma has several books in the series she has, and Abbie would be happy to read one of them, and Emma will not part with any. My instinct is to tell Emma that she *will* let her sister read her books. She can only read one at a time, for Pete's sake! I've already told her that if she doesn't knock it off, I will not allow any more books to be given to a specific child - they will all become part of the family library. On the other hand, I understand Emma's possessiveness because I am the same way. It's not a trait I'm particularly proud of, and I've worked hard to overcome it, and I've done OK for the most part. Having kids will do that to a person. :D I know I need to work with Emma on this issue. What I need to know is, how do I handle this so that I am as fair as I can be, and also respectful of both girls' feelings? I will be checking one of the books out from the library for Abbie today, and I've done that before, but it seems really, really silly to me to have to do that. I would very much like to knock some sense into my girls, but don't know quite how to accomplish it. Thanks for listening! Some days I feel like I am getting the hang of this mothering thing, but God continues to keep me humble. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I have no idea unless it is to have two copies of each book. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emmy Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I have this same problem. As my oldest son started reading we would get him books for birthdays or Christmas and sometimes we'd buy him a book when we were at the store or whatever. He sees these books as *HIS* and he keeps them in his room on his bookshelf. Of course fast forward a couple years and he isn't reading them daily but his now younger brother is ready to read them - but my oldest doesn't want to share. He claims that his brother will wrinkle the covers (very possible...) or that he will lose them (probably not - our house is only so big). I find it incredibly frustrating and yet I do understand that to my son, his books are special and he wants to keep them in nice condition. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I allow Jeffrey to keep his books from his brother in only two cases. If he bought them with his own money, or if they were a special gift. Otherwise it is very likely that *I* purchased the book for him. If I'm willing to share it with him, he should be willing to share it with his brother. Hunter does have a number of rules to follow when borrowing books, however. Things like bookmarking the pages, returning them to the shelf when he's finished, rather than setting them down on the couch or floor--general book care stuff. The main consequence is that *he* will have to buy a new copy if he ever ruins one of Jeffrey's books. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMindy Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I would tell her that she has to share her books unless she is currently reading them. And, I would explain about becoming a person who values people over possessions. I would even share your struggles in this and how you understand her feelings, but that you have to work to overcome this and so does she. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tabrett Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 This is an interesting post. My oldest dd (14) keeps her books in her room. I don't mind because my youngers are too little to be interested in her books. I think I will give books as family gifts instead of individual gift after reading the question. That way the kids are responsible to me if they damage the book and everybody can enjoy them. I'm thinking... if one of my kids wants to buy a book with their own money, I'm going to offer to buy the book for the family collection and then after the "family" owns the book and they want their own copy, they can buy a 2nd copy, with their own money, they can keep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabeth in IL Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I think there is a place for a certain level of possessiveness over what you own. There are certain things that I will not lend out because they are important to me or too expensive to replace. If it is an attitude that extends to all her possessions then your daughters attitude needs to be worked on. If it is over special books that are easily damaged by corner marking or laying it down open to save a place, then I'd tend to allow her to be careful with her books. It could be that my own attitude is wrong though. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In The Great White North Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I insist they share. I have no intention of buying three copies of all the good books. There is not the budget for it nor room on the shelves. I share all my books with them and expect them to share all their books too. Of course, I expect them to take care of all the books also. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 This hasn't been a problem at our house, but if it were I'd be inclined to tell the older children that books only live when they are read and loved. Books that sit on shelves are cold and lonely. What are they saving them for?? I've always encouraged my older kids to pick out books for their younger siblings. They all love to talk books...reading old favorites is a rite of passage around here. Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMindy Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 This hasn't been a problem at our house, but if it were I'd be inclined to tell the older children that books only live when they are read and loved. Books that sit on shelves are cold and lonely. What are they saving them for?? I've always encouraged my older kids to pick out books for their younger siblings. They all love to talk books...reading old favorites is a rite of passage around here. Barb :iagree: The funny thing is that if you had asked a question about other toys I would have said that it OK to have a few special toys that are kept separate. But there is something about hording books that I just can not understand. The books that I have from my childhood are wrinkled and tattered and even stained and I love them all the more for the wear. I love to share a good book!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhonda in TX Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 We don't have this particular problem (books are shared with no problems). However, if we did, I would tell the older child she needs to share. The borrower needs to know how to take care of others' property. If the book is damaged or ruined in any way, she needs to either replace the book or give her money to replace it. I recently borrowed a book from a friend. While I had the book, it got a big crease in the cover. (one of my kids moved it carelessly) When I returned the book, I included a bookstore gift card to make up for the damage. She could either replace the book or use the card to buy a new book if the damage didn't bother her - it was up to her. There are two reasons I believe are acceptable to deny use of the books (1) you can't trust the younger child to take care of her older sister's belongings and (2) the book is irreplaceable. Otherwise, I believe the older child is just being selfish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I don't allow my kids to have "their own" books unless they are books that are designed to be written in. Books belong to the whole family. If my daughter, for example, told me that my son couldn't read one of "her" books, I would tell her quite plainly that oh, yes, he may read any book he chooses to read. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 And I don't know why, since I can totally understand not wanting a sister to wear your clothes or use your favorite art supplies. In my mind, there is something different about books - like they are so inherently worthwhile that they SHOULD be shared. I don't share all my books with friends, but within the family, it would seem really stingy hearted to not let your sister read your book. I guess it depends on how sister treats the book. If she's going to be destructive, then that's different than if she is likely to be relatively careful. But overall, I only think I would allow such a stingy attitude with a few really special books. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melanie Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Books are common property in our home. I have the kids write their names in books they bought with their own money or received as gifts so they'll know which ones they are free to take when they move out, but while they are in this house books belong to everyone. Actually, that's pretty much how everything in this house works. We're sort of a commune. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 (edited) Sometimes when kids are close in age they each need to have their own this or that. Sharing is not always a given. In a perfect world yes but to save your sanity today I would Abbie her own books of choice or maybe find another series she is interested in. My other thought is sometimes children are more of perfectionists and can't have dogeared pages, wrinkled covers or whatever and to a point this should be respected if the borrower has a tendency not share this personality trait and will not be as careful. Edited March 13, 2009 by lynn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I'd definitely share my own struggles with sharing as a child. I'd let the child with the book know that it is silly and unkind to let a book sit on the shelf unused, and let that child know that sharing with others helps them to learn to share with us. I'd point out ways that we as a family share with each other and with others. Once that conversation was done, I'd look for opportunities in our days to both model and praise sharing. Then I'd let it go and let the kids work it out. One thing I've learned from my children is that sometimes stepping out of the issue altogether forces them to resolve it. Sometimes my boys share, sometimes they don't. When they do share I offer praise. If they look to me during a disagreement, I offer my opinion, but don't force it. My boys are certainly not angels, but they do share with one another often. Not always, but it's my preference to give them the opportunity. (I do this with the two closest in age, by the way. The youngest is a different story, as he's at a bit of a disadvantage still, so I'll sometimes run interference or facilitate.) That's also what my mom did. She told us what she thought, then she let it go. As children, sometimes my sisters and I shared and sometimes we didn't. As adults, my sisters and I share often, willingly and lovingly. I just took one sister some raspberry canes, as a matter of fact. I could have just replanted them in my own yard but I knew she'd enjoy them. As for books specifically, we purchase books for the household, so we avoid the issue of book sharing for the most part. In the case of the few books which have been gifted to a specific child, I've found that if I let it go, the child with the book ends up eventually letting the other read it anyway. I wouldn't check out the book from the library either, unless the other child has no way to check it out herself. I'd let her enjoy searching for it on the library shelves and bringing it home, or help her to request it from the library. :-) Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Library! I don't have this problem with books but if I did I would just have the child that the books do not belong to borrow them from the library. I do have this problem with computer games. Most of the time they share but sometimes they want to play the same game at the same time. If the game belong to one child (gift or they bought it with their own money or whatever) the I tell the second child tough-tooties. So we own several duplicate games in our home oh and computers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Rittenhouse Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Emma's books are hers. Abbie needs to make a list for the public library and you need to make sure she gets there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyJoy Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I'm kind of torn on this one. I was the older sister who loved books and had my own collection from a young age. My sister was not a big reader, but on occasion would want to borrow one of my books (a gift from Grandma or my purchase). I don't remember ever denying her, but I do remember giving her a lecture on how to treat my books, and then reclaiming several from her room when she left them open face down or shoved them under her bed. One time, I actually went on a "rescue mission" and gathered up all HER mistreated books and put them on my shelf "in trust" for her. I let her know she could have them whenever she wanted, but at 25 she still hasn't reclaimed them.:D Unless a book is truly irreplaceable, I would be inclined to have your daughters help you make a list of book-borrowing rules like, 1. Wash hands before handing books, 2. Use bookmarks instead of leaving books face down, etc. Then, let the younger daughter check out one book at a time from her older sister. As long as the younger one treats the books well, she may continue to borrow. If she abuses a book, she pays a fine and has to wait a month (or 2 weeks, or whatever) to borrow again. This would have made me very happy as the older book-lover and would give the younger a chance to prove herself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3lilreds in NC Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 And I don't know why, since I can totally understand not wanting a sister to wear your clothes or use your favorite art supplies. In my mind, there is something different about books - like they are so inherently worthwhile that they SHOULD be shared. I don't share all my books with friends, but within the family, it would seem really stingy hearted to not let your sister read your book. I guess it depends on how sister treats the book. If she's going to be destructive, then that's different than if she is likely to be relatively careful. But overall, I only think I would allow such a stingy attitude with a few really special books. See, this is my issue, too. If Emma were to say that these particular books were special for some reason, I would not mind her keeping them separate. It's *every* book though - it seems very selfish to me. I did take Abbie to the library and we did check out/request the books she wants. I am still going to talk to Emma. Abbie is only 1 year younger; she is not destructive to the books at all. She reads them nicely, doesn't bend pages, and actually takes better care to pick them up and not leave them around than Emma does herself. That's not the issue. I will talk with Emma about the heart issue I see, and we will continue to work on it. I don't see why books can't be shared. They are different than a special doll or toy, like others have said. I would let them read any of my books (assuming they were appropriate). Thanks for all the input, ladies. Lots to think about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Our general rule is that anything that kids buy themselves is not open for sharing unless the owner agrees, and there are few special toys and such that fit in that category also. This alone has helped the kids understand how much these things cost, and they are kinder to one another when asked to share. For the most part we all share everything though. I have found that my DD9 mainly wants to bug her brothers, and she does not really care so much about the item she does not wish to share. My analogy is, I share the plates, cups, television and so on with you so just share the XYZ with your brother. We are nipping this entitlement thing in the bud. My kids are not entitled to those books, toys, electronics, and they should be thankful that they were able to get them. We are a family, and we need to share. I grew up with little in the way of material things though, and everyone in our circle of friends had to share with other families, so my background is different than others. Just my 2 cents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrsdash Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I don't allow my kids to have "their own" books unless they are books that are designed to be written in. Books belong to the whole family. If my daughter, for example, told me that my son couldn't read one of "her" books, I would tell her quite plainly that oh, yes, he may read any book he chooses to read. Tara :iagree: This is how we would handle it as well. There is no keeping unread books for yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 (edited) I personally would not allow it - - like my mama would say, that's pure ugliness. Special books should be treated with special care, but it's ridiculous to forbid a sibling to touch that paperback copy of Magic Tree House. I don't care WHO bought the book. I would allow her to require the other child to ask permission, and I would allow some 'rules' (like no dog-earing), but I wouldn't let her get silly or obnoxious about it. If the borrowing child ruins a book, then yes, I would require they offer to replace it. If she consistently ruins or damages books, then the privilege of borrowing might be rescinded, but that would be a natural consequence. Special books or toys? Yes, certainly, my kids are allowed to have special items that are for their own use. Even then, I'd certainly discourage being ugly about it - - for example, I'd be disappointed if she insisted that a sibling not even hold and look at a special item (with her permission and in her presence). I'm not of the mind that kids be allowed or required to work things out among themselves all the time - - sometimes, yes, but not all the time. I think that being kind and sharing is like anything else: it gets easier with practice. My job as a parent is to make sure that they know and practice the things that I want them to be good at, whether it's math or courtesy. I simply tell my kids, "I can't make you want to do the right thing, but I still have to make you do it. I hope your heart will follow someday, but that's up to you." Edited March 13, 2009 by katilac Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 We have a rule for books and toys: it's special to that child for a period of time (you can make your own decision on how long); thereafter, anyone can read it/play with it with care. Best wishes Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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