Is 4 children really that much more work than 3?

[joannqn]

I have a friend with 4 kids. I have 3 and am pregnant with number 4. She keeps making comments along the lines of how much more work 4 is than 3.

 

One thing she's brought up a few times is the amount of dishes that four kids use and how I'll need to get a dishwasher soon because it's just too many dishes to do by hand. I don't have a dishwasher now nor do I have room for one in my kitchen. But I can't see how one more setting will make that much of a difference. She also said something about how much I'll have to do when the kids start using real dishes and silverware. My kids use the same dishes and silverware the adults do. Even the 2 year old uses real dishes, with the exception of cups. I'm looking forward to him using regular cups because sippy cups are so much more of a pain to wash.

 

I'm thinking the change from 3 to 4 won't be that big of a deal. Am I wrong?

[Mesa]

Hmmm.....

For me personally..... yes, 4 is much harder than 2. I dont know if it's having 4 kids though. My 3rd is a tough kid and I think he's making things a whole lot harder than they need to be. It's the same as going from 1-2 and 2-3 though. Each transition was harder... doable but harder.

I do think the laundry and dishes have gotten noticeably tougher to keep up with this time.

Out of all my kids though #3 is the defiant kid... number 4 is a sweetie so far. I think if she were a tough kid I'd be in waaaay over my head.

Edited March 13, 2009 by Mesa

[sassenach]

OK, I really need to seperate your question from the dishwasher bit. I would struggle without a dishwasher. For us, going from 3 to 4 was not a big deal. Personally, my big transition was from 1 to 2. By the time we got to 3 and 4, I was very comfortable with parenting/newborns/the general pattern of our lives. Bringing another one in was not hard to do. Of course, YMMV :)

[AuntieM]

that the only thing harder about it is that my fourth didn't come along until almost 8 years after the third. I had to re-enter The Baby Zone! But really, with a 2 year old, you are right in the thick of it! I can't really get what your friend seems to think is that much more work. With 3, you already have a lot of dishes, what's a few more? It's not like you'll need to use extra pots and pans. And laundry? With 3 kids, that's already a big job, one more kid shouldn't make that much difference. Don't let your friend discourage you! Besides, that cuddly little thing will be worth any extra work! Mmmm, the smell of a freshly washed baby's head...bliss!

 

I will say this, though... going from 3 kids to 4 significantly limits one's automobile selection. Most cars seem to seat 5. But if you're already in the minivan/multiple car seat stage, it's a non-issue (we were all out of car seats and considering a family sedan, then came baby!).

[cjzimmer1]

Honestly number 4 has been the easiest of all my children. Adding the 4th was a piece of cake.

 

As far as washing dishes, I hate hand washing dishes. Everything including my great big huge soup pot goes in the dishwasher. I don't care if I have to run 3 loads a day to get them done because only 6 things fit at a time I don't want to wash them by hand. But still I wouldn't think it would make that much difference.

 

Someone I knew told me to NEVER have 3 kids, just stop at 2, 3 is too hard (she has 3). I didn't find 3 hard at all. I didn't find 4 hard either. I'm finding 5 to be a bit of a challenge some days but I think it's more because my last two are so close together (20 months) and both still need lots of mommy time rather than the number of kids. It will all be fine in the end.

[Melissa B]

I thought the 4th was the easiest. He just fit right into the family. And with three older siblings to help look after him, it's been great. Also, we've never had a dishwasher and I didn't notice any big difference between five people's dishes and six. The laundry stacks up a bit, but I seem to remember it doing that when there were only two of us. :)

[Veritaserum]

For me 5 was the "Whoa, I have a lot of kids!" moment. 4 was very much like 3. I don't know why 5 feels like so much more work. Don't sweat it. You'll adapt and I'm sure you'll all be fine. :)

[AnneC]

For me 4 kids was harder because I had 3 really close (14 months between 1st dd and twins) then there was two years between the twins and #4. Fitting in time for the older 3 around a very demanding baby and toddler was hard work. Now that the 2yo is old enough to join in with the older kids it is much easier, they all entertain each other and I am mostly relegated to arbitrating disputes.

 

As for dishes, we don't have a dishwasher. Washing 1 extra place setting each meal is not a lot of extra effort and our kids eat of china plates with real cutlery too.

 

Now I'm worried about how I'm going to cope with #5:tongue_smilie:

[Ria]

4, 5, and 6 were very easy for us. We started with twins, so, really, anyone after them was easy, lol.

 

Seriously, your friend is not helping you any. Four kids is a piece of cake. Really. Have fun!

 

Ria

[Tabrett]

Having the 4th was really, really hard for me. I have a big age spread between my oldest and my "littles" (14, 5, 3, 22months). Between having to get my teen to her activities and helping her and all the "neediness" of my littles, it is hard. Every time I get one child settled another needs something. When one little goes with dad on an errand, everything calms down. I could keep up with 3, as far as washing, cleaning, ect....but I have always been behind since #4 was born. I'm not sure how to explain this, but it is like the 4th takes every last shred of energy and there is nothing left and #4 is not a hard kid to deal with. It is just that there are 4.

[Carrie12345]

I was terrified of going from 3 to 4! He was a big surprise, and I cried and cried when I found out. Dh was thrilled and calmed me down pretty fast.

 

We already had a minivan, so my only concern there was figuring out how to help buckle a back-back seat kid (we had 3 in car seats). It worked out just fine.

 

Parenting hasn't been any harder. Dishes... eh, I hated them to begin with. The only thing about laundry that bothers me is folding, so I don't fold the baby's clothes.:tongue_smilie:

 

There are 2 downsides, imo.

It's nearly impossible for me to get a real break. My inlaws don't like to babysit all 4 at once, and I haven't been able to find another babysitter that I feel can handle all 4.

Going out can be difficult. I do 99.9% of my shopping and appointments at night or on the weekends so I can leave the kids with dh. Taking them all to a park or homeschool group is fine. Taking them to the supermarket or mall, not so much!

 

That said, we're really hoping for a 5th in a few more years.:D

[mazakaal]

For me, going from 3 to 4 dc made things a lot harder because he came so soon after #3 and because he's quite a character, not naughty, but full of beans, as they say here. We call him our 'monkey' because he's the only one of my 4 that has actually tried to scale the shelves and hang from the curtains.

 

When it comes to dishes and laundry, 4 isn't that much different from 3. We've spent most of our time with kids not having a dishwasher. We did have one for a couple of years recently, but it broke several months ago, and without the money to fix it, we've just gone back to washing by hand. It's not a bit deal. If your friend is used to having a dishwasher, then I'm sure she can't imagine living without it, but if you're used to washing by hand, you'll be fine.

[LND1218]

It really depends more on the children and your situation than anything.

 

I haven't found it hard to add kids at all. None of the transitions were that tough - #2 was a very difficult child, but I didn't find having 2 kids hard other than dealing with her if that makes sense.

 

But going to 4 has been challenging in some ways that are situation specific - I realized that 4 children don't comfortably fit in our home. 3 was fine, but 4 really made a big difference. That only because my house is small, and I can't bear to move from our land.

 

I have found that one load a day in the dish washer isn't enough anymore which does through off my nice schedule. And since I don't wash by hand it has been an issue - we always have dishes waiting.

 

Laundry isn't as easy to keep up with but I think that's due to reflux and the insane amount of clothes that get spit up on!! And of course the siblings must change their clothes when baby spits up - can't say that I blame them. But I don't think that's because he was #4.

 

I have more I am homeschooling so that is hard - it's harder to get everything done with the little one than if I just had the 3. But that is a baby thing more than a number of kids.

 

So all that to say it depends.

 

I didn't find adding #4 hard, but we faced some challenges specific to our situation. The house being the biggest one - darn thing is NEVER clean anymore mostly because I lack the room for everything. If I had a bigger laundry area I wouldn't care that laundry was waiting - but I have to look at it and trip over it. If I had a bigger house, I bet I would have barely noticed #4.

[KidsHappen]

I found that 4 was much more difficult than 3. Most of mine were about 3 years apart which is probably easier than having them closer together. I didn't find the housework a whole lot harder but there was more drain on mommy resources and sometimes it was like herding cats. Then when they get older there is the chauffering them all about. When they get to be teens it gets much easier and I hardly notice five in the house now.

[MamaT]

Our number 4 was a piece of cake. Of course, she was our first girl and we all went bonkers over her. She was adopted and I didn't have the ramp up time of getting over a C-section. IMO once taking care of the children, house, etc. is all you do, it really doesn't matter how many you have.

 

Our numbers 5 and 6 were the big adjustment for me, but only because they came 19 and 28 months after number 4, so I had three children two and under.

 

The fun of a big family FAR outweighs the extra work to me. My older children loved helping out with the babies and they are all so close to each other - love each other so much.

 

We did have to drive a 15 passenger van when the youngest three were in carseats. I had a carseat on each row and a bigger child beside each car seat to be "in charge" of the little one. That way, they could also have a friend over and we still had a way to get somewhere.

[JFSinIL]

Depends on the kids. Depends on the mom. Sounds like your friend is a tad jealous that you are encroaching on HER turf as Mom of Four (hence the remarks). Bet you do just fine with four...you will make it look easy!

 

I have four - kid #4 is my easiest one,too. She is now almost 13.....

[ajjkt]

Yes. But... baby 4 is the easiest baby I've had so far. The oldest two help out so much, and dd6 actually *wants* to change nappies.

 

I'm just feeling really torn and stressed about being able to give each kid the attention and time they need, particularly with dd3 needing 30 minutes a day of speech therapy practice, and OT.

[Stacey in MA]

I was quite worried too. But it all works out in the end. And you don't have to find your way the minute the baby is born. You can take baby steps and work out each problem as it comes. Yes, you'll get behind, but you'll find new "systems" and ways to catch up and keep up. You'll trim the fat off your schedule, you'll get your older children to start helping with the extra dishes and laundry. You'll figure it out. You are superwoman! Didn't you know that?? hee hee!

 

Kids Happen - herding cats - yep, that's funny! hee hee! What a mental picture. And yes, BTDT too! Definitely... herding cats.....

 

When I keep comparing all the little annoyances or frustrations to the really BIG thing - LIFE, a human LIFE! - it's no contest! We definitely have our moments of insanity, but I bet we would even if it were still 3, or 2 or even 1. The importance of having these little kiddos outways the chaos by miles.

 

We are considering deeping our insanity to #5....we'll see!

 

Good luck to you! Don't worry. Just focus on the joy and ignore your friend as if you are the wise old sage who knows better.....

 

:-) Stacey in MA

[pbajgrow]

We had a 5dd, 3ds, 18mth ds, and a newborn dd. It was not bad. It took more energy after the 3rd than the 4th. I was in the zone when #4 came along. I had my routine and I kept at it. She even started sleeping through the night at 3 weeks of age. Even her 18mth old brother wasn't doing that!

 

She's still easy at 3 1/2. I never have to spank her. I think I have spanked her 4 or 5 times in her life! She just goes along with the rest of the herd. She even potty trained in a week. This of course is not normal, but was an extra blessing from God since her brother took an entire year of potty training. Just make the older ones help when they can. There is no reason why an eight year old and 6 year old can't do the dishes! Mine do them. I help with the big pots or things that really need to be scrubbed, but they are highly capable of doing the rest. We are all a team. We all make the messes and we all clean them! They are now 8 1/2, 6 1/2, 5, and 3 1/2. Life is great and easier now.

 

Babies are cute and a lot of work no matter how many you have! I once talked to a mom at the mall, whom I noticed was shopping by herself with all 5 kids. I asked her how she did it. She added up how many I had with, and looked at me and said, "The same way you do!"

[Punkinelly]

No, it isn't. See, I have always heard and believe that the hardest is having 2 because usually, the firstborn one is not old enough to be of any real help with the second yet. But if you are training your children from the start, then by the time you have 3 or 4 (or more), the olders are able to be a real help to you.

 

I have found this to be true. I have 4 children. They are about 2 years apart.

 

Your friend should be encouraging you and building you up, not filling you with fear and discouragement.

[BonAmy]

I have 5 kids... #4 and #5 were not harder than having three kids... at all!

I really enjoyed #4 in particular... we were experienced parents, we knew what to do, what to worry about, what not to worry about, etc... it was just such a wonderful experience having #4... we enjoyed everything.. he would cry to nurse, and it just made us smile.. he was such a joy. We really cherished it all. #5 was the same.

We knew it was a gift, to have them.

We lost #6, so I am very thankful that we really enjoyed the babyhoods of #4 and #5.

congrats on #4! you'll do great, routines fall into place. use paper plates and your crockpot to help you out.

[joannqn]

I've never thought kids were as tough as people told me. I didn't have issues with being sleep deprived like everyone told me when I was expecting the first. We found her really easy. Our second was the hardest for me. I was tandum nursing, struggling with severe post partum depression, and he had learning delays that made his 2nd year really hard. Our third has been our most active, for sure. He's a climber. I also call him our Einstein, our hobbit and our nazgul boy because he likes to explore/experiment with everything, eat constantly, and let out ear-piercing shrieks. But, he's a lot of fun, too.

 

My 9 year old is an awesome big sister. Sometimes my youngest prefers her over mom and dad. She grabs him when he wakes up from his nap, plays with him, helps get him drinks/snacks, and helps with other things he wants. She just won't change diapers. My 7 year old tries but doesn't quite have the knack for playing with younger children.

 

The kids are quite excited about another baby.

 

Thanks for confirming my suspicions. I don't expect it to be an issue really, especially now that I have older kids.

[Kelli in TN]

We found from 2 kids to 3 kids to be the big transition. From then on adding another kid was just not that big of a deal.

 

And congratulations on your bun in the oven.

[Tutor]

Once you are outnumbered, you're outnumbered, right? :D We moved into zone defense with the third and perfected it with the fourth. I honestly found the switch from two to three more difficult than three to four. Plus, the older ones were able and eager to helop after #4, so that was a great blessing to me.

[specialmama]

Depends on the kids. Depends on the mom. Sounds like your friend is a tad jealous that you are encroaching on HER turf as Mom of Four (hence the remarks). Bet you do just fine with four...you will make it look easy!

 

 

I was thinking the exact same thing! Now, it may also be that she simply wants recognition for how hard she works... fishing for praise. Kind of how a new mother-in-law will subconciously compete with a new daughter-in-law to see who treats your new husband (her son) best, and she comments about how to raise the kids: it doesn't mean she's evil per se, but that she wants you to respect her. She wants praise for everything she's worked so hard for. I agree that she should be building you up, but perhaps she's not getting praise anywhere else... :confused:

[PiCO]

I have a friend with 4 kids. I have 3 and am pregnant with number 4. She keeps making comments along the lines of how much more work 4 is than 3.

 

One thing she's brought up a few times is the amount of dishes that four kids use and how I'll need to get a dishwasher soon because it's just too many dishes to do by hand. I don't have a dishwasher now nor do I have room for one in my kitchen. But I can't see how one more setting will make that much of a difference. She also said something about how much I'll have to do when the kids start using real dishes and silverware. My kids use the same dishes and silverware the adults do. Even the 2 year old uses real dishes, with the exception of cups. I'm looking forward to him using regular cups because sippy cups are so much more of a pain to wash.

 

I'm thinking the change from 3 to 4 won't be that big of a deal. Am I wrong?

 

My brother has 5 children and no automatic dishwasher. So that's not an issue.

 

He did say that going from 3 to 4 seemed like a pretty big jump, but not as much as going from 2 to 3. Adding #5 was not a big change.

 

I think it's rude of someone to tell you how hard 4 kids are when you're pregnant with #4, though. That's along the lines of telling a woman pregnant with your first child about your difficult labor. It's not helpful at all. I would just tell her, "We'll just cross that bridge when we get there!"

[Susan in TN]

My 9 year old is an awesome big sister. Sometimes my youngest prefers her over mom and dad. She grabs him when he wakes up from his nap, plays with him, helps get him drinks/snacks, and helps with other things he wants. She just won't change diapers. My 7 year old tries but doesn't quite have the knack for playing with younger children.

 

The kids are quite excited about another baby.

 

Thanks for confirming my suspicions. I don't expect it to be an issue really, especially now that I have older kids.

 

I recently had my 6th child, and honestly, I'm quite sure I would be in the looney bin if it weren't for my two oldest, who are 13yo and 10yo. My 10yo is perfectly happy to change diapers, get the 2yo dressed, and help my 6yo with her piano and math lessons. My 13yo helps around the house, keeps an eye on the 4yo (who is my "difficult" child), does laundry, and is my go-to guy in many ways. And I have a dh who does way more around the house than I could ever ask; he'll keep our household functioning during these few months with an infant.

 

Your friend may be feeling particularly stressed out. As others have said, her particular situation and temperment may have more to do with her comments than a specific number of kids. And you can live without a dishwasher if you want. Shoot, I use paper plates half the time :001_smile:

[TXMomof4]

I haven't read any of the other posts, but IMO 4 wasn't a big deal overall. Going from 2 to 3 rocked my world. I would literally go to the grocery store and if there weren't carts outside I would go back home because I couldn't get a car seat, 2 yo, and 3 yo into the store. When I had #4 my youngest dd was already 3, so I'm sure that made a huge difference, but dh was deployed and we still managed to get through life alright. Now, the thought of one more is more than a little daunting to me. Maybe it's the odd number kids that are the hardest to adjust to?

[oceandaughter]

No, it's not.

 

I know families who let the size of their families (when they only had one more than us) keep them from doing things and socializing and making friends (and staying in touch with friends). But I refuse to do that.

 

Every family is different. The hardest transition we made was going from one to two.

 

When my fourth was a tiny one (and a bit of a crier) I'll admit it was hard. But I was also suffering from ppd and planning an international move.

 

I'd love to keep on, and plan to, but I can't birth any more of my own so we'll adopt when the smallest one is bigger.

[Rhonda in TX]

My sister's kids were 9, 8, and 5 when her 4th was born. She said it was the easiest adjustment of them all. A friend had her 4th and her older kids were 7, 5, and 3. She's had a much rougher time. A lot also depends on the personality of all the children.

 

I've never been without a dishwasher (other than a few times when mine hasn't worked), so I can't really help with that.

[LibraryLover]

It depends...one of my 4 has a challenging personality. The rest are cake, but this one keeps me on my toes...and always has for years. From day one until the present.

 

But in general...the work itself...not that big of a deal.

 

But the money? Oh, the money!! From adult sized shoes for teens to cleats to fees for activities. And college...I know lots of people whos ay they won't pay for college...but I am not on of those people, and that bill is considerable , even with scholarships and the child working part time. Did I say considerable? I meant astronomical.