I feel sick to my stomach. (Public hs/ kids these days rant)

[PiCO]

I just found out a girl who is dd's friend has been getting drunk at parties every week-end, is having sex, and is doing drugs- pot and cocaine. Fortunately, dd has not been hanging out with her this year because they are not in any of the same classes at school.

 

What are parents thinking, not knowing what their kid is up to? The parents seem nice enough, the girl is sweet- very polite, helps around the house, etc. I think she's just a follower, and has ended up in the wrong crowd. I think the parents have just set no boundaries. At all.

 

Oh- the girl pierced her own lip last week-end, with a tack. And her mother let her keep the piercing. Are you kidding me? My kid would be at Urgent Care, and she would be paying the bill.

 

And a local middle school is evidently having a problem with kids sending phone pictures of themselves naked to one another. What is this world coming to?

[Starr]

Sorry, it's really hard when you know these kids.

[elise1mds]

Eek! I hope her tetanus shot was up-to-date. That's all just very scary.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I just found out a girl who is dd's friend has been getting drunk at parties every week-end, is having sex, and is doing drugs- pot and cocaine. Fortunately, dd has not been hanging out with her this year because they are not in any of the same classes at school.

 

What are parents thinking, not knowing what their kid is up to? The parents seem nice enough, the girl is sweet- very polite, helps around the house, etc. I think she's just a follower, and has ended up in the wrong crowd. I think the parents have just set no boundaries. At all.

 

Oh- the girl pierced her own lip last week-end, with a tack. And her mother let her keep the piercing. Are you kidding me? My kid would be at Urgent Care, and she would be paying the bill.

 

And a local middle school is evidently having a problem with kids sending phone pictures of themselves naked to one another. What is this world coming to?

 

{{{PiCO}}

[Plucky]

That poor girl, her parents need to start acting like parents.

[Reya]

And her mother let her keep the piercing.

 

I think that sums it up...

[CLHCO]

Makes you just want to crawl in a hole sometimes, huh? Or have the ability to send one of those things in Harry Potter where you open the red envelope and they scream at someone. What are those called? Oh, boy do I want some of those sometime. How about inventing one that'll send a slap to someone who badly needs one?

 

Not meaning to make light of it. It's horrid, really. What are they thinking anymore? So many of those behaviors may have consequences can be life altering at this age.

 

Yeah, I really want to send out some slaps sometimes. One to the parents, one to the kids.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

And a local middle school is evidently having a problem with kids sending phone pictures of themselves naked to one another. What is this world coming to?

 

This last one is something to definitely warn your kids about. I had the news on last night and they were interviewing young men who had been arrested under child p*rn charges. One was 18 or 19 and will be a registered *ffender until he is in his forties. Not to mention the issue that once you hit send on anything on an email or cell phone, it can never be recaptured. It can be forwarded forever.

 

When we lived in Germany, the local schools were having a problem of students passing around videos on their cells that were footage of people being killed. There was actually a federal investigation at one school because they weren't sure if the students had been involved in the killing or gotten it from terrorist connections or something else.

 

There is just horrible wickedness out there.

[Ria]

We found out a year or two ago that a good friend of our older kids was doing the heavy drug stuff (smoking crack, which really freaked me out), along with other drugs and drinking. He was a good kid, good student at a Christian school, regular church-goer with his parents, etc. His parents were close to him. He wasn't allowed to run wild. But when he told them he was going to a friend's house (from the Christian school) to spend the night, or going to a party, they just assumed that these were "safe" places with "safe" kids. Nope.

 

Our solution was to sit the parents down and talk to them, after first letting the boy know that we knew (via our kids) and giving him the option of talking to them first (he didn't). The pastor was in on it, too.

 

It went well, believe it or not. That young man has since thanked us for getting involved. He's now doing very well, drug-free, at a Christian college.

Sometimes I think adults have to get involved - even if it's just talking to the teen one-on-one.

 

Ria (who had similar conversations with kids when I worked on youth staff at church....sad but true)

[Heather in Neverland]

We found out a year or two ago that a good friend of our older kids was doing the heavy drug stuff (smoking crack, which really freaked me out), along with other drugs and drinking. He was a good kid, good student at a Christian school, regular church-goer with his parents, etc. His parents were close to him. He wasn't allowed to run wild. But when he told them he was going to a friend's house (from the Christian school) to spend the night, or going to a party, they just assumed that these were "safe" places with "safe" kids. Nope.

 

 

 

I wasn't doing crack or cocaine but the drinking at parties and promiscuity described in the OP was pretty much me in high school. I was a good "Christian" girl, went to church, got straight A's, president of Student Council, Captain of the Cheerleaders, every mother's dream....

 

and a REALLY good liar.

 

My parents had no clue. I seemed so squeaky clean that they "trusted" me. BIG MISTAKE. Teens cannot be trusted. Their brains short-circuit at the oddest moments and they end up doing things they never dreamed they would do.

[TammyinTN]

Their brains short-circuit at the oddest moments and they end up doing things they never dreamed they would do.

 

This is so true.

[Kim in SouthGa]

The 12 year old boy who lives across the street from us told my son that he had been smoking and going over to a friend's house whose dad let's them get drunk and urinate out the window of the car while driving down the road. Thankfully, my 12 ds told us...it really upset him. My dh went to talk to the parents, and when they talked to their son he made it seem like it was just all a joke and my ds misunderstood. He said they were candy cigarettes...however, my dd saw the other little boy he hangs out with outside the mall smoking, all dressed in black, with several older kids (he is only 12). They do not ask my kids to play anymore.

I have such a hard time understanding these things. This kid is always outside skateboarding with really loud heavy metal music playing, while his dad is out in the yard working! I did not want to just make assumptions, so I asked my son if he knew who the band was (he said this boy showed him the cd case one day, and then he came on home b/c he knew he shouldn't listen to it), so I look up the lyrics and it's all cursing and talking about killing and r*pe.

I have heard so many horror stories about the ps and Christian schools here for the last couple of years. Thank you, Jesus, that I am able to homeschool my kids. I think technology is wonderful, but it can also be so destructive. Our former pastor's son was suspended about a year ago for showing pics of his na*ed girlfriend on his phone!

[elegantlion]

I was a "good" kid and in high school I spent half of my weekends drinking with friends. My parents were clueless, I gather they still don't know about half the stuff I did. I remember thinking drinking and smoking was just something I would do in high school and quit after I graduated. :001_huh:

 

We did a lot of this under the nose of one of my friend's parents. She didn't know either.

 

Like Heather I was a really good liar, because my parents were pretty strict.

 

:grouphug: The wrong crowd is hard to get away from.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Sometimes people just aren't good parents. They can't see beyond their own problems to be the parent their kids need.

 

The young lady you describe is my niece. She has been under psychiatric care for three years since the diagnosis of anorexia and now bulimia. Her parents (my brother and ex-SIL) are divorced. It has been a tough road with no end in sight.

 

Like my niece, I am a child of divorce (a messy one at that). However, I didn't fall into anorexia, lying, shoplifting, smoking/drug/alcohol abuse, failing school/not going etc. I went to school and work and tried to maintain some normalcy outside of the craziness that was my home life. My step-father who raised my since the age of 4 dropped out of my life and my mom mentally and emotionally checked out. We were left financially strapped and I borrowed and bought all my own things.

 

Bottom line is my parents were not available to me. Somehow, I had the emotional tools to survive. My niece doesn't. Even with years of therapy, she is emotionally stunted.

 

She was always her mother's "princess" and "best girlfriend" and she has nothing but resentment towards my brother. Unfortunately, Child Protective Services has decided that she can't live with her mother (mom's abusive boyfriend, drug abuse), so my brother is truly a single parent. My brother is so stressed out I worry for his health. I will call to talk with him only to hear my niece verbally abusing him in the background. She will cry for her mother and her mother will take her out for lunch or shopping and return her to my brother full of more venom for him.

 

My brother has tried to provide structure and accountability in her life, but he has no support. She doesn't go to school and no truant officer shows up. The school offers her an alternative school to go to for TWO hours a day. She drives w/o a license and gets a warning. She shoplifts and gets community service (which she only 1/2 completes and that's OK). She starts smoking and her psychiatrist tells my brother that it's okay because she needs a stress-reliever. :confused:

 

Her brother (17 months older) got straight A's in school and this fall will be attending college on a scholarship. He has worked all through high school, bought his own car, paid for all his own extras. He is a very polite and level-headed kid. His mother talks to him maybe once a month.....:001_huh:

 

My brother's situation has taught me not stand in judgment of those parents with troubled kids. Yes, he could do better. He has made mistakes. But he's a human being not a superhero. We all come to this (parenting) as novices, but most do the best that we can do. Sometimes we get children who need us to have more skills than we possess and it's really tough.

 

Just my .02

K

[Susan in IL]

The biggest drinkers were the swimmers and the biggest potheads were the gymnasts. Almost all of them were in the upper 10% academically (of a very rigorous school), many were leaders in Young Life or their churches, cheerleaders, the most popular kids in school, etc. That was not considered to be the "wrong" crowd.

 

My parents (both now deceased) had no clue about what I did on weekends. They trusted me and thought that since I hung out with the above mentioned kids, everything was fine.

 

I really don't think much has changed in 30+ years.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

The biggest drinkers were the swimmers and the biggest potheads were the gymnasts. Almost all of them were in the upper 10% academically (of a very rigorous school), many were leaders in Young Life or their churches, cheerleaders, the most popular kids in school, etc. That was not considered to be the "wrong" crowd.

 

My parents (both now deceased) had no clue about what I did on weekends. They trusted me and thought that since I hung out with the above mentioned kids, everything was fine.

 

I really don't think much has changed in 30+ years.

 

I grew up in a bad neighborhood (known as "the projects"), but had to travel to a gated, golf-course community to see pot smoking first hand.

 

The most successful drug dealer in my high school was a "clean cut kid" and lived in the gated community. I went to one party at his house. Both of his parents were in the family room watching tv and the party was down in the basement. As I opened the door to the basement, smoke rolled up and out (think Spickoli in Fast Times and Ridgemont High). I went downstairs only to find two cheerleaders and a handful of wrestlers, baseball players and honors students sharing a bong. There is no way they didn't know what was going on downstairs!!

[Haiku]

 

What are parents thinking, not knowing what their kid is up to?

 

They are probably thinking that the girl is polite and helpful and does well in school and so they can trust her to behave well.

 

I was getting straight A's in school and doing all kinds of drugs. I held down a job and still managed to go driving all over the county doing all sorts of stuff I shouldn't be doing. I just lied to my parents.

 

And trust me, my parents had boundaries. I had appropriate consequences if they found out I breached them. I was just really good at lying to my parents. Don't be so judgmental of other parents.

 

As for the lip piercing thing ... I think that's gross, but then again, when my 14 year old asked to get a tattoo for her birthday, I said yes. (I later found out that reputable tattoo places won't tattoo a child under 16, so the tattoo has to wait, but still ...). Different parents have different limits on body art, and just because you wouldn't do it doesn't mean the parent is negligent.

 

I'm sorry you have found this out, and I understand why you are upset, but don't be too hard on other parents.

 

Tara

[PiCO]

My parents had no clue. I seemed so squeaky clean that they "trusted" me. BIG MISTAKE. Teens cannot be trusted. Their brains short-circuit at the oddest moments and they end up doing things they never dreamed they would do.

 

Exactly. My dd is a dream... such a great kid. I'm 99% sure I could trust her in any situation. Everyone tells me that. But there is no way I would let her go to a party with no adult supervision! And if I let her go to a party where I thought there was adult supervision, I would be awake when she got home to make sure she was sober.

[PiCO]

Don't be so judgmental of other parents.

 

I just don't understand what's going on there. I don't understand why they are letting their beautiful young daughter destroy herself. It's frustrating! I know I shouldn't be judgemental, though.

 

As for the lip piercing thing ... I think that's gross, but then again, when my 14 year old asked to get a tattoo for her birthday, I said yes. (I later found out that reputable tattoo places won't tattoo a child under 16, so the tattoo has to wait, but still ...). Different parents have different limits on body art, and just because you wouldn't do it doesn't mean the parent is negligent.

 

She asked her mother to let her get her lip pierced, her mother said no. So she did it herself, and her mother said OK- you can keep it. For me, having a piercing at 14 is not the whole problem- it's blatantly doing something your parents said no to, and then the parent relents. If I were this young lady, I would assume nothing the parents say really holds water any more.

[PiCO]

Our solution was to sit the parents down and talk to them, after first letting the boy know that we knew (via our kids) and giving him the option of talking to them first (he didn't). The pastor was in on it, too.

 

This is a great idea, Ria. I am going to borrow it.

[sleepy]

This is a great idea, Ria. I am going to borrow it.

 

Good for you! Someone needs to reach out and help this girl. Good luck, PiCO. :grouphug:

[msjones]

I want to second the idea of talking to the girl.

 

My husband teaches high school and one of his students lived directly across the street from us. I noticed this girl at home during the school day with her boyfriend. Repeatedly. I knew from talking to her mom that the boyfriend was NOT allowed at the house when mom was not there.

 

My husband and I called the girl, invited her over, and had a talk. We let her know that we cared about her, knew what was going on, and were concerned. After we let her talk for a while, we told her that either she could tell her mom about it all, or we would.

 

She did choose to 'fess up to her mom. Her mother (a wonderful mom, from all I can see) had NO IDEA what was going on and was very thankful to us. She says it was the starting point of new openness between her and her daughter.

 

I often wonder what my kids do that I don't know about.

[Tap]

At 16 my parents had no idea what I was doing. I drank, smoked, and had s*x on a regular basis. I didn't tell my parents "I'm going out to a party now, plan to get drunk and sleep with my boyfriend, see ya when I get home..." The parents probably don't know what she is doing, she is undoubtably lying to them like all us partiers did in high school. My parents always thought we were at the 'movies and dinner'. I was a good liar too.

 

I also was a good kid, did my homework and chores. I had straight A's and my parents always said it was sooo nice that they could 'trust me'. LOL, if they had Any idea what I was doing, they would have flipped!

 

As far as the lip piercing...it may be one of those 'pick you battle' moments for the parents. It just may not be a hill the mom wants to die on, and since it was already done, it wasn't like taking it out was going to undo it.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

or maybe NOT by the shear numbers of teenagers who are having s*x between 3pm-6pm (after school, before mom and dad get home). I know this was going on during my teenage years....1980's.

 

I've always told anyone that would listen that it's just as important for parent to be home when their kids get home from middle and high school as it is when they are getting off the bus from elementary school. A lot can happen in the 3-4 hours that teenagers are left to fend for themselves.

[Danestress]

I would be on the phone with them right now making sure that THEY know.

 

Sex and alcohol have a lot of power and are dangerous things, though also thing that give pleasure and joy. I'm not sure that these things necessary "destroy" girls (though I think teen-aged girls and boys have no business whatsoever trying that out) but cocaine is different. Cocaine can destroy you in no time flat.

 

Even if you know know for a fact but suspect it or have heard the gossip, I would make that call. I hate gossip and I hate what gossip about boys and drinking can do to girl's lives, but I think there has to be a good way to say, "I'm so worried about this rumor, and I have a hard time believing your precious daughter would snort cocaine, but I wouldn't feel right not telling you the rumor is there."

 

There are a lot of things in your post that I wonder where you learned. If the mother or the daughter reported what their conversations were regarding the piercing, then I think that sort of opened up an opportunity for conversation. If you heard them elsewhere, it sounds like there is some gossip happening here, and I feel sorry for the Mom. But I wouldn't hesitate to share what I have heard if her daughter is truly at risk!

[Tutor]

This last one is something to definitely warn your kids about. I had the news on last night and they were interviewing young men who had been arrested under child p*rn charges. One was 18 or 19 and will be a registered *ffender until he is in his forties. Not to mention the issue that once you hit send on anything on an email or cell phone, it can never be recaptured. It can be forwarded forever.

 

Sadly, the practice is common enough that it has its own term... s*xting. There was a story on the news over the weekend about a young teen commiting suicide after she and her boyfriend broke up and he forwarded the explicit photos she had messaged to him to all his friends at school and she rapidly became known as the school tramp even though it seems the practice was common within the school and she was by no means the only one doing it. It's all just so very, very sad.

[Scarlett]

or maybe NOT by the shear numbers of teenagers who are having s*x between 3pm-6pm (after school' date=' before mom and dad get home). I know this was going on during my teenage years....1980's.

 

I've always told anyone that would listen that it's just as important for parent to be home when their kids get home from middle and high school as it is when they are getting off the bus from elementary school. A lot can happen in the 3-4 hours that teenagers are left to fend for themselves.[/quote']

 

ITA with this. Also, from the experiences told here I am more determined than EVER to know where my child is and with whom. I am not sure why so many parents are so trusting of teens even if they are by all accounts 'good' kids. They still need the guidance of their parents on a daily basis because as someone pointed out, their brains are not fully formed and they have the potential to make dangerous and life altering choices.

 

I would imagine parental intervention is what most teens really want. They want/need/crave boundaries. It makes them feel secure.

 

I think part of the problem is that teens have so little to actually do. They need work. Farm work. Work until they are so tired they can't put together a lie in their mind. :tongue_smilie:

[Scarlett]

Sadly, the practice is common enough that it has its own term... s*xting. There was a story on the news over the weekend about a young teen commiting suicide after she and her boyfriend broke up and he forwarded the explicit photos she had messaged to him to all his friends at school and she rapidly became known as the school tramp even though it seems the practice was common within the school and she was by no means the only one doing it. It's all just so very, very sad.

 

I saw that headline and couldn't bring myself to read the article fully. It is just sick. My ds9 is asking for a cell phone...I'm like, 'uh, no.' :glare:

[CalicoKat]

We found out a year or two ago that a good friend of our older kids was doing the heavy drug stuff (smoking crack, which really freaked me out), along with other drugs and drinking. He was a good kid, good student at a Christian school, regular church-goer with his parents, etc. His parents were close to him. He wasn't allowed to run wild. But when he told them he was going to a friend's house (from the Christian school) to spend the night, or going to a party, they just assumed that these were "safe" places with "safe" kids. Nope.

 

Our solution was to sit the parents down and talk to them, after first letting the boy know that we knew (via our kids) and giving him the option of talking to them first (he didn't). The pastor was in on it, too.

 

It went well, believe it or not. That young man has since thanked us for getting involved. He's now doing very well, drug-free, at a Christian college.

Sometimes I think adults have to get involved - even if it's just talking to the teen one-on-one.

 

Ria (who had similar conversations with kids when I worked on youth staff at church....sad but true)

Thank you for sharing. This is helps me stand firm in our policy of "no slumber parties" here. My kids think I'm horrible. Sleep overs are just not safe IMO at any age until after marriage. :001_smile:

[PiCO]

I would be on the phone with them right now making sure that THEY know.

 

Sex and alcohol have a lot of power and are dangerous things, though also thing that give pleasure and joy. I'm not sure that these things necessary "destroy" girls (though I think teen-aged girls and boys have no business whatsoever trying that out) but cocaine is different. Cocaine can destroy you in no time flat.

 

Even if you know know for a fact but suspect it or have heard the gossip, I would make that call. I hate gossip and I hate what gossip about boys and drinking can do to girl's lives, but I think there has to be a good way to say, "I'm so worried about this rumor, and I have a hard time believing your precious daughter would snort cocaine, but I wouldn't feel right not telling you the rumor is there."

 

There are a lot of things in your post that I wonder where you learned. If the mother or the daughter reported what their conversations were regarding the piercing, then I think that sort of opened up an opportunity for conversation. If you heard them elsewhere, it sounds like there is some gossip happening here, and I feel sorry for the Mom. But I wouldn't hesitate to share what I have heard if her daughter is truly at risk!

 

The girl told her coach all of this. Her coach is a friend. So- most of this does rate as gossip in my book, since it's not directly from the source.

The alleged drug use has only been two times.

 

The piercing story the girl told me about herself, so that is not gossip.

 

I am talking to the parents tonight. I would rather have this conversation in person than on the phone, since I do have the opportunity to do so.

 

Thanks for your feedback!

[PiCO]

I saw that headline and couldn't bring myself to read the article fully. It is just sick. My ds9 is asking for a cell phone...I'm like, 'uh, no.' :glare:

 

My kids don't have the capability to receive pictures on their phones. I also take the phones on a regular basis and read through all the boring texts they send, just to make sure they stay boring.

[Cheryl in NM]

I just found out a girl who is dd's friend has been getting drunk at parties every week-end, is having sex, and is doing drugs- pot and cocaine. Fortunately, dd has not been hanging out with her this year because they are not in any of the same classes at school.

 

What are parents thinking, not knowing what their kid is up to? The parents seem nice enough, the girl is sweet- very polite, helps around the house, etc. I think she's just a follower, and has ended up in the wrong crowd. I think the parents have just set no boundaries. At all.

 

Oh- the girl pierced her own lip last week-end, with a tack. And her mother let her keep the piercing. Are you kidding me? My kid would be at Urgent Care, and she would be paying the bill.

 

And a local middle school is evidently having a problem with kids sending phone pictures of themselves naked to one another. What is this world coming to?

 

Just so you all know, kids from good families with rules do these things also. My step-daughter (sdd) did this when she was 15. We had know idea. We knew the families she was spending time with. She would sneak out of their house and go party. She peirced her belly button several times on her own (we didn't notice because she wasn't allowed to wear clothes that showed her midrift). She gave herself several staff infections. Based on good bahavior we let her take the family car to a friend's house and found out later that she had stole alcohol and cigs from a store and drove drunk! We were strict and made sure we knew her friends and their familys. It's not always the parents. Some kids are just really good at faking it. BTW, sdd was always very helpful around the house and with her little brother. Kids like this are good at picking up what's expected of them and behaving that way on the surface so they can get the freedom they need to do things they want.

 

I would tell her mom to make sure she knows. Of course, make sure the info you have is accurate. The partying and sex might be a rumor. The mom may have decided to let her keep the lip ring because the daughter would just keep doing it over and over again (my sdd did this every time the staph infection cleared).

[Scarlett]

Just so you all know, kids from good families with rules do these things also. My step-daughter (sdd) did this when she was 15. We had know idea. We knew the families she was spending time with. She would sneak out of their house and go party. She peirced her belly button several times on her own (we didn't notice because she wasn't allowed to wear clothes that showed her midrift). She gave herself several staff infections. Based on good bahavior we let her take the family car to a friend's house and found out later that she had stole alcohol and cigs from a store and drove drunk! We were strict and made sure we knew her friends and their familys. It's not always the parents. Some kids are just really good at faking it. BTW, sdd was always very helpful around the house and with her little brother. Kids like this are good at picking up what's expected of them and behaving that way on the surface so they can get the freedom they need to do things they want.

 

I would tell her mom to make sure she knows. Of course, make sure the info you have is accurate. The partying and sex might be a rumor. The mom may have decided to let her keep the lip ring because the daughter would just keep doing it over and over again (my sdd did this every time the staph infection cleared).

 

It is true that if a kid wants to rebel, defy rules, do wrong things it is virtually IMPOSSIBLE to stop them. However, in the vast majority of the cases I personally know of, parents allowed too much freedom, without adult supervision.

[Cheryl in NM]

It is true that if a kid wants to rebel, defy rules, do wrong things it is virtually IMPOSSIBLE to stop them. However, in the vast majority of the cases I personally know of, parents allowed too much freedom, without adult supervision.

 

Oh my! I wasn't saying to stop trying because "where there's a will there's a way". :001_huh: I was trying to say what others said so eloquently "Don't be so hard on the parents because they might not know." I just remember that helplessness when we realized that for the past 6 months sdd had been doing all those things and we had no idea! We were good parents, strict parents, she just found a way around us. We have struggled with guilt for the last 3 years trying to forgive ourselves and see where we did wrong. We finally realized that with that child in those instances we couldn't have done any better than we did.

[PiCO]

Just so you all know, kids from good families with rules do these things also. My step-daughter (sdd) did this when she was 15. We had know idea. We knew the families she was spending time with. She would sneak out of their house and go party. She peirced her belly button several times on her own (we didn't notice because she wasn't allowed to wear clothes that showed her midrift). She gave herself several staff infections. Based on good bahavior we let her take the family car to a friend's house and found out later that she had stole alcohol and cigs from a store and drove drunk! We were strict and made sure we knew her friends and their familys. It's not always the parents. Some kids are just really good at faking it. BTW, sdd was always very helpful around the house and with her little brother. Kids like this are good at picking up what's expected of them and behaving that way on the surface so they can get the freedom they need to do things they want.

 

Thanks for sharing, Cheryl. This girl's family does seem like a "good" family. I think she's just starting to spin out of control. Hopefully this recent behavior is a cry for help, and she will let her parents help her.

 

When did your dsd stop acting out like this?

 

 

I would tell her mom to make sure she knows. Of course, make sure the info you have is accurate. The partying and sex might be a rumor. The mom may have decided to let her keep the lip ring because the daughter would just keep doing it over and over again (my sdd did this every time the staph infection cleared).

 

I am going to let the parents know what the daughter is telling people- I am going to phrase it as rumor, because I'm not sure if the daughter is telling the truth or just crying out for help. And yes, the girl has pierced her lip before.

 

I mentioned to my daughter this morning that her friend seems to be going through a rough time. Dd said she had noticed, and dd & another friend were planning to take friend 1 out for smoothies and sit somewhere private and have a talk. I told her she might wait a week or so on that. Just be there for friend if she wants to talk.

[PiCO]

Thanks for all your advise and support, ladies! I feel a lot better this morning, armed with all these helpful ideas.

[Amber in SJ]

Now that we have our first teenager, I am constantly reminded of a comment by a good friend (who is also a marriage & family counselor) who said to me that teenagers are like an optical illusion. They look mature, they can sound mature but their thought processes and judgment can be like that of a two year old. Even the teen that you think is the most level headed can have lapses in judgement.

 

Amber in SJ

[Scarlett]

We were good parents, strict parents, she just found a way around us. We have struggled with guilt for the last 3 years trying to forgive ourselves and see where we did wrong. We finally realized that with that child in those instances we couldn't have done any better than we did.

 

 

(((Cheryl))) MY mom has had similar feelings over my brother.....hindsite is 20/20 and all that so she thinks she could have done some things better, but overall as you say, if a kid wants to do wrong they can find a way and it isn't always lax parents.

[Scarlett]

teenagers are like an optical illusion.

Amber in SJ

 

 

I love this. :) I am going to keep it in mind.

[Spy Car]

cocaine is different. Cocaine can destroy you in no time flat.

 

 

I must strenuously agree.

 

I went to University at a time when cocaine was glamorized in the media and was said to be a non-addictive and relatively benign drug. Wrong!

 

I watched as cocaine use ruined the lives of countless people around me. And saw how open, friendly, and generous people could be quickly transformed into dark, paranoid, depressed and wholly self-absorbed shells of their former selves. Any initial "euphoria" this drug may induce is soon lost, and replaced by a drive to consume more and more to keep from feeling suicidally bad. It is an evil and dangerous drug that destroys lives.

 

Sometimes it takes lives. I'll never forget the ambulances descending in front of our house one night in college to take away a friend who lived next door. A beautiful and funny 20 year-old young man who was loved by all, but a night spent "celebrating" the end of finals with some coke stopped his heart, and Francis was dead.

 

I hate this drug with a passion!

 

Bill

[Rich with Kids]

Oops!!! Sorry!

Edited March 11, 2009 by Rich with Kids

[Cheryl in NM]

Thanks for sharing, Cheryl. This girl's family does seem like a "good" family. I think she's just starting to spin out of control. Hopefully this recent behavior is a cry for help, and she will let her parents help her.

 

When did your dsd stop acting out like this?

 

 

Not until she was 17 and responsible for paying her own rent and her own way in the world. She couldn't live with any of her parents or step-parents because she would bring drugs home, drive drunk, wreck cars, etc. She quit talking to us for 2 years, so now that she's talking to us again we don't intrude, but it sounds like she has leveled off. Of course, I wonder if she isn't bi-polar. Her self destructive periods seem to be cyclical. She is not open to any talk of mental illness or disease though. Now we focus on being loving and supportive and hope she'll let us know when she needs help. It is quite the exercise in faith to give your child into God's protection. She just recently moved to Hawaii to be with a boy. There is no family there. We just have to trust that she'll let us know when she needs help.

[PiCO]

I am so relieved. This young lady talked to her mother today, with no outside urging. Seems like she came clean on all counts.

 

Mom was surprised and apalled that she had missed so many problems that her dd was having. Mom made an appointment with a family counselor to help them through this rough time.

 

I am so glad I didn't have to tell the family myself. I am glad that the family is getting help. Whew!

[Audrey]

Teens cannot be trusted. Their brains short-circuit at the oddest moments and they end up doing things they never dreamed they would do.

 

 

I beg to differ with you on that one. There are plenty of teens who can be trusted, who don't throw themselves at risky behaviour and who don't lie about it, either.

 

Laugh at me if you must, but *I* was one of those trustworthy teens and I had a lot of friends who were as well. I didn't hit my self-destructive stride until I was in my 20's.

 

I also know a few really decent teens right now who are trustworthy, and a few who have grown up who were good teens, too.

 

Just my observations, but what we all have in common, it seems, is that we fear/feared the consequences of risky behaviour. We may all have had different fears -- I feared disappointing my parents, some fear disease or death or unplanned pregnancies, or the wrath of their parents, or what have you -- but it was that fear that overruled any impulses we may have had to do those risky things.

 

Sometimes fear is a helpful thing.

[Aggie]

Whew, PiCO. That's good news. I hope the parents do get and stay involved.

 

Audrey....

Your thoughts on fear are interesting. Do you think fear can be replaced by education? I remember not doing a few things because of fear, but I often wonder if I had had information would that have made a difference in why I made the choices I did?

 

In one of my MEd classes, we learned (temporarily for me ;)) a stair-step model of morality (this is the wrong word, but I can't think of the correct word!). The first, and lowest, step is fear. People who act out of fear are on the lowest step of _____. The highest step is doing what is right because it is the right thing to do.

 

The author's premise is that it's not good enough that we do what is right but our motivation for doing the right thing is what places us somewhere on that stair-step. And the more gifted, the more mature, will reach that highest level earlier than average people. I can't recall the ages that he associated with each step.

 

For example....I don't speed. If I don't speed because I'm afraid of getting a ticket, he would place me on the first step. If I don't speed because I'm obeying the law, I would be on the top step. (I don't recall where speeders are...I guess on the steps going down? :lol:) Anyway....

 

I hope my 4yo does the right thing even if he is afraid of the consequences. Is it silly to believe an average, educated, well-parented teen won't need the fear factor?

 

Thoughts?

 

Just my observations, but what we all have in common, it seems, is that we fear/feared the consequences of risky behaviour. We may all have had different fears -- I feared disappointing my parents, some fear disease or death or unplanned pregnancies, or the wrath of their parents, or what have you -- but it was that fear that overruled any impulses we may have had to do those risky things.

 

Sometimes fear is a helpful thing.

[Guest janainaz]

Uninvolved parents and moms not a home.

[PiCO]

For example....I don't speed. If I don't speed because I'm afraid of getting a ticket, he would place me on the first step. If I don't speed because I'm obeying the law, I would be on the top step.

 

The way I heard it, obeying the law is the middle step. The top step is not speeding because it's the right thing to do for the safety of yourself and the community.