NorthwestMom Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 My 6yo DD has a friend she just loves and refers to her as her best friend, although they only see each other once or twice a month. They met at preschool a few years ago and the other family lives a few blocks from us. One of the things that charms my DD is that their birthdays are only one day apart. Can you guess where this is going? That's right... although we invited this girl to DD's party, DD was not invited to hers. It appears that only girls from her class at school are invited. While it is painful, they have a right to limit the guest list. However, homeschooling moms, can you help me explain this to DD (who has been expecting to attend this party as she has every year) in a way that does not make her feel like if only she attended school, she'd be going? She is convinced that going to this local public school would be like an elementary school version of High School Musical, with this girl being Taylor while she is Gabriella. She thinks she is missing out on lots of fun, and this is only going to make the situation worse. I just want to get through this without making her think that homeschooling is limiting her social life. Help! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I'm sure you'll get advice to the contrary, but personally under these circumstance *I* would speak with the other girl's parents and let them know your daughter's feeling are being hurt. My duty would be with my child, and I think the other parents are in the wrong in not reciprocating the invitation to your daughter. I'd broach it as gently as possible, but there would be dialogue happening with these girls parent's. That is for sure. Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peek a Boo Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I'm sure you'll get advice to the contrary, but personally under these circumstance *I* would speak with the other girl's parents and let them know your daughter's feeling are being hurt. My duty would be with my child, and I think the other parents are in the wrong in not reciprocating the invitation to your daughter. I'd broach it as gently as possible, but there would be dialogue happening with these girls parent's. That is for sure. Bill I'd try this also, depending on what you know about the other parent. I'd feel like CRAP if I forgot to invite a good friend of my 5yo dd's, and would LOVE another family to say "Hey Amy --dd wanted to get your dd a present for her birthday. were you planning anything special or could we get together so they could celebrate it?" In which case I'd say "oh yeah! we're having a party on [insert details here]- thanks for reminding me to invite her. I'm so scatterbrained...." OR- if i was planning a class only thing, i could explain and take you up on your offer to get teh girls together for a private party :) So in your case, if your dd can't attend for whatever reason, i would explain that her friend's party was going to be CROWDED w/ guests and we'd have a PRIVATE party so just the two of them could celebrate. Emphasize the intimacy :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I'd try this also, depending on what you know about the other parent. I'd feel like CRAP if I forgot to invite a good friend of my 5yo dd's, and would LOVE another family to say "Hey Amy --dd wanted to get your dd a present for her birthday. were you planning anything special or could we get together so they could celebrate it?" In which case I'd say "oh yeah! we're having a party on [insert details here]- thanks for reminding me to invite her. I'm so scatterbrained...."OR- if i was planning a class only thing, i could explain and take you up on your offer to get teh girls together for a private party :) So in your case, if your dd can't attend for whatever reason, i would explain that her friend's party was going to be CROWDED w/ guests and we'd have a PRIVATE party so just the two of them could celebrate. Emphasize the intimacy :) If we were, hypothetically speaking, co-parenting....I'd let you handle the "dialogue" :D Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 What Bill and Peek said... This happened to my ds once, when he was 5 or 6. I used the "hey, T was wondering what you think Junior would like for his birthday?" Turns out that in all the busyness of planning the party, the other mom honestly just forgot that my son didn't go to school. He got an invite the next day. She hasn't forgotten again. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted March 8, 2009 Author Share Posted March 8, 2009 This family is introverted, plus a little quirky. Both parents work (because they have to), so we don't get together often, and they are clearly not comfortable hosting play dates at their house. They tend to reciprocate play dates by taking our DD to the kid's program at their gym. I am sure they are having an out-of-the-home party with a pre-defined number of guests, so there is no point in trying to get them to invite her when there possibly is not space. I think I will e-mail her to see if they are planning to attend DD's party (they have not RSVP'd yet), and perhaps that will be the opening they need. I'm a little hesitant to do a private celebration, which is actually what we do when we can't attend a BD party for other reasons, because of something that happened only a month ago. Another friend told DD she was only inviting kids from her class to her party, but then helpfully suggested what gift DD could drop off at her house. DD was all for it too, and I told her that if we aren't invited then we certainly aren't dropping off a mandated gift. We received the invitation one day later, the girl's mother is a good friend of mine and had no idea what had been said so I told her the back story and she was mortified. I'm sure her DD got an etiquette lesson that day, lol! Apparently this is the year for BD party drama at our house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I am sure they are having an out-of-the-home party with a pre-defined number of guests, so there is no point in trying to get them to invite her when there possibly is not space. This is the part I don't understand. It sounds like you've pre-determined there is some arbitrary "limit" on the number of guests that inclusion of your daughter would exceed based simply on your own presumptions. I don't want to make a bad situation worse for you, but there is a point to trying to get her invited to the party (or you would not have posted) and it seems to me like you are being far too passive. Without getting hostile or unfriendly, I think you need to summon your "Mama Bear" and have a talk with the other girl's parents. Your daughter deserves it. Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peek a Boo Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 This family is introverted, plus a little quirky. Both parents work (because they have to), so we don't get together often, and they are clearly not comfortable hosting play dates at their house. They tend to reciprocate play dates by taking our DD to the kid's program at their gym. I am sure they are having an out-of-the-home party with a pre-defined number of guests, so there is no point in trying to get them to invite her when there possibly is not space. I think I will e-mail her to see if they are planning to attend DD's party (they have not RSVP'd yet), and perhaps that will be the opening they need. I'm a little hesitant to do a private celebration, which is actually what we do when we can't attend a BD party for other reasons, because of something that happened only a month ago. Another friend told DD she was only inviting kids from her class to her party, but then helpfully suggested what gift DD could drop off at her house. DD was all for it too, and I told her that if we aren't invited then we certainly aren't dropping off a mandated gift. We received the invitation one day later, the girl's mother is a good friend of mine and had no idea what had been said so I told her the back story and she was mortified. I'm sure her DD got an etiquette lesson that day, lol! Apparently this is the year for BD party drama at our house. I would vote for "private celebration", but don't clue dd in on that until you've figured out whether it would work or not. Depending on how much *I* felt dd needed this friendship, I'd offer to take them both for ice cream. or something ;) My expense, My idea, my control, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I don't want to make a bad situation worse for you, but there is a point to trying to get her invited to the party (or you would not have posted) and it seems to me like you are being far too passive. Without getting hostile or unfriendly, I think you need to summon your "Mama Bear" and have a talk with the other girl's parents. Your daughter deserves it. Bill I agree with Bill. The worst thing that can happen is that the other mom will say that she intentionally didn't invite your dd to the party. She may say that the party is only for school friends, but if you've already invited her dd to your party, it is incredibly rude that she wouldn't reciprocate. Is there a possibility that this mom doesn't want her dd to be friends with your dd any more? If so, it's probably best that you find out now, so you can help your dd deal with it. Personally, I would forget about emailing the other mom and just give her a call. You said they live a few blocks from you; you could even stop by and ask her what's going on. I don't see any reason why you couldn't approach her in a friendly way, and see what happens. Honestly, even if the mom isn't that receptive, so what? It's not the end of the world -- and while I hate to say this, your dd's feelings are more important than the bit of discomfort you may feel if the other mom gives you a hard time about the party invitation. At least you'll know where you stand -- and chances are actually pretty good that the other mom had no intention of hurting your dd's feelings. She may have even sent your dd an invitation, and it was lost in the mail. Whatever the case, I'd call the other mom and clear things up, rather than making assumptions that may be entirely off-base. Give the woman the benefit of the doubt and see what she has to say. Otherwise, you might be getting upset over a simple misunderstanding, and that would be sad for both little girls. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Jenny Flint Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I agree that something should be done to help your daughter to cope with the disappointment she feels about this situation. However, I don't think that there is any call for "mama bear," and here's why: sometimes people will behave in ways that you don't approve of or expect. We have to learn and to teach our children how to deal with that. This is not about your daughter getting something that she deserves and has earned, it is about a very grey area where people have all kinds of background experience and all kinds of opinions. It is not going to kill your daughter to miss this party. I would talk frankly with her about her disappointment and tell her that the parents were likely not considering the depth of her friendship with the other girl in their birthday planning, and then make alternative plans with the parents of the other girl so they could get together. Personally, I think adding my own single child to the mix of a dear friend plus all their public schooled friends could be a recipe for disaster. Particularly when we are talking about girls. I would be grateful she wasn't invited. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabeth in IL Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 Personally, I think adding my own single child to the mix of a dear friend plus all their public schooled friends could be a recipe for disaster. Particularly when we are talking about girls. I would be grateful she wasn't invited. I agree! And I also like Peeks idea of... Depending on how much *I* felt dd needed this friendship, I'd offer to take them both for ice cream. or something ;) My expense, My idea, my control, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntPol Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I know that when we plan parties for our government schooled chilren, I have to limit the number of guests and those usually get used up quickly between child, sibling, neighbors on street and school friends that we see everyday. There is no way I could invite all school friends, neighborhood friends, church friends, scout friends, sports team, Awana friends, etc. I can't even reciprocate all friends that invite her to a party. We usually end up having a party with school friends since they are not all in same class and not allowed to send cupcakes to school anyway. Then we have neighbors over for cupcakes and sprinkler play, taking cupcakes to sports team and scouts. I would just take the two girls out to ice cream. However, we could have an entire separate thread about the how kids idealize school via watching High School Musical and other disney shows. My daughter is in government school and will be homeschooling soon. She is convinced though that high school is going to be wonderful (even though elementary is not) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I agree that something should be done to help your daughter to cope with the disappointment she feels about this situation. However, I don't think that there is any call for "mama bear," and here's why: sometimes people will behave in ways that you don't approve of or expect. We have to learn and to teach our children how to deal with that. This is not about your daughter getting something that she deserves and has earned, it is about a very grey area where people have all kinds of background experience and all kinds of opinions. :iagree: I use the "we will see him/her when it is possible, but we do not push ourselves on people in social situations, no matter how much we want what we want. We'll just have to keep this in mind before getting our hopes up about anything else having to do with them. It could be [i would say to my son] that she is already falling victim to peer pressure." When I told my son he wouldn't be seeing his best friend very much after the family was rather angry with hubby, my son immediately asked if Papa had "done anything wrong". I told him that I didn't think so, but that X's parents did (it was the kayak incident, if anyone recalls). He apparently "sided with me", and was fine with it. I think that what the OP should do is think carefully of what she is going to say to her kiddo, and not be so impolite as to leverage an invite. Call me underhanded, but I would use this as a teaching point as to one reason we homeschool. As to the parent's motive, it sounds like they are a bit awkward anyway. I recall an (ex) SIL inviting her family to my family's family reunion without asking anyone, but not inviting my folks to HER family reunion. My somewhat hurt mother embraced my answer: you wouldn't want to be there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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