newlifemom Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 We have lost pieces to a 'toddler tote' from the library. I have found various bits of it all.over.the.house under/over/behind as well as numerous other objects missing. They cannot.keep.anything clean. I love that they are imaginative with their play, but I simply cannot stand the mess it makes that they(read all) cannot pick up. They have spent the better part of the day, with me directing, trying to put it into small manageable pieces (read pick up the legos, now pick up the polly pockets, etc.) they still cannot do it unless I.stand.and.scream. I hate myself when I do that. I want to throw it all away. I have tried taking away a bunch of toys but they still mess up what they have and as a result lose things and as a result I now have a $16.00 fine. This isn't my fault, why should I pay it? Please, I don't think I am asking too much from them. Why can't they do this? Why do I have to keep coming back here to vent knowing full well that it will do no good? uggggghhhhh!!!!! I am so late with my activities, it is dinner time and I must go out. I will be treating myself to Starbucks. Ok, I will be alright, just a little vent. Now all of you that know me IRL do not have to call and make sure they are still living. Honest they are. :D But I really do want a nice house. I am tired of a garbagy/trashy/messy/leggy house! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Ultimately, the responsibility for library items is yours. If your kids are accustomed to scattering toys throughout the house, it's really no wonder that they've done the same with the library item, kwim? Creative play is one thing. Mess is another thing entirely. It's okay to limit toys or library items to one room...it's not just okay, it's often a survival technique, lol. Once I had six children ages 7 and under. I know of what I speak! In addition, I suggest you check out Joanne's website, http://goybparenting.com/ She's right on target. Cull the toys. Pack them away. Limit what can be played with, and where. And when. Set some guidelines, and follow through. You can do it, and you'll all be a lot happier. Ria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deece in MN Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Well, a couple options come to mind. 1. You pay the fine and don't check these types of things out from the library anymore. If your dc ask, say no because they cannot take care of them properly. 2. Talk to your dc and they pay half for being careless and you cover half because you're the mom or you are showing grace or you allowed the item to be checked out so you are taking part of the responsibility or whatever reason you want to insert here. Then you can also decide if you will allow these types of items to be checked out in the future. 3. You pay the fine and find another way for your dc to "pay" you back. It could be extra chores, no extra treats because that money was spent to pay the fine, etc. 4. They pay the fine and (hopefully) learn the hard way that they need to take care of items that don't belong to them. This sort of thing is hard, but they need to realize that their actions have consequences. I wouldn't let them off the hook, but I may extend a bit of grace. I certainly would not check out anymore of these types of things from the library. :grouphug: I do know how you feel as I have a child who is very much like this. I try to be understanding about it (she has the absent minded professor personality), but it can be very frustrating. I am sorry you have to deal with this. Paying library fines is no fun. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peek a Boo Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I gotta agree w/ Ria and Deece. The kids are only able to do that which you train them to do. I've had to accept that myself as a pack rat and unorganized kinda gal. HOWEVER --there are some times where one's behavior simply can't be held hostage to another's. My 14yo may have grown up w/ a bad example of organization, but it's still his fault if he loses something. Like me, he's going to end up paying lots of library fines if he can't break the cycle. Thankfully dh is much more of a better example, so there's hope. The only one you might really be able to "make" pay is the 10yo --was she even involved? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Since you *know* this is standard behavior for your children, I think you have to take responsibility for making a poor choice in giving them access to a library item like this. Basically, you either needed to tell them that since they can't keep their own things tidy, they can't be trusted to keep the library items together, or you needed to give them very clear parameters ("This is a library item, not ours, so it can only be played with on this table, and when you are finished, all of the items must be returned to the bag before you move away from it") and enforce those. I do understand how very frustrating that is. *You* weren't the one to make the mess and it doesn't seem fair. But, on the other hand, it's your responsibility either to say "no" to them or to re-train them (and ultimately, I think that would make life less stressful for you -- though it's *hard* to do)... I don't mean to "scold". Really, I'm very empathetic! ... But in this case, I see a larger problem that could be addressed and make your life easier... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newlifemom Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 Yeouch!!!! Ok, ok, ok dh and I are talking about how to do this. I will check the link and we are going to put away most. (a lot are already away) the toys. and to answer one poster's ?, dd 10 was my saving grace today. She ended up cleaning the room. Although she is just as messy as the rest. (shhh, she's the good one). Thanks for the kick, even though it hurt a little. :001_smile: Now that dh has a job, the whole house stuff is mine again, and I am just a tad overwhelmed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Yeouch!!!! Ok, ok, ok dh and I are talking about how to do this. I will check the link and we are going to put away most. (a lot are already away) the toys. and to answer one poster's ?, dd 10 was my saving grace today. She ended up cleaning the room. Although she is just as messy as the rest. (shhh, she's the good one). Thanks for the kick, even though it hurt a little. :001_smile: Now that dh has a job, the whole house stuff is mine again, and I am just a tad overwhelmed. Ah, Pam, you can do it. Leave some toys in the bedrooms, with the stipulation that they don't leave the bedroom. You can leave out one item (ie, Polly Pockets) for the younger girls...that's plenty to play with in a bedroom. We actually kept boxes of toys in the attic and rotated them now and then. In the family room, allow them to play with one toy at a time. And with permission only. Sit them down, tell them the rules, and (if possible) restrict access to the toys (or the room) until you see progress. Then you can give more freedom. It's hard when you have lots of littles. Shoot, it's hard when you have any kids. LOL. Those of us with older kids go through our own share of home cleanliness issues, it's just that we are dealing with teens throwing laundry everywhere rather than toys. Wanna trade? I'll bet I can find that library tote stuff faster than you can find a work shirt and a track uniform. :lol: Ria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katiebug_1976 Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 WOW! That sounds like my house! Ha! Ha! My kids still struggle with picking things up, but they are getting better. Here is what I did and it seems to work if you follow through and don't give up. I went into their rooms with them, and helped them pack up EVERYTHING in their rooms and put it all in the garage. We took down the posters off the wall, all the toys, books, dolls EVERYTHING! They were allowed to keep their bedding, 1 doll/animal (to sleep with), 5 pairs of clothes, and 1 pair of shoes. Keep in mind that this was very hard for me to do! But I was so tired of the lack of respect for their things, and the lack of obedience. We set specific "room check" times (before lunch, and before bed) and if their rooms passed inspections for 1 week, they were allowed to bring in 1 thing from the garage, but if they didn't pass an inspection, everything went back to the garage and we started over again. I know this sounds drastic, but I had exhausted all my other options, and we only started over several times before they realized mom was serious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 In our family my name is on the library card, therefore, I am responsible. Even if my younger two hard library cards in their own name, they wouldn't have the financial resources to pay that fine. It's my responsibility to make sure library materials are kept together and returned on time. At the end of the day, if things are strewn around the house, I need to make sure the girls and I get it picked up. Depending on their age, I will get down on the floor and help them, or else the older one does it on her own. All those little pieces can just be absolutely overwhelming to a small child while to us it doesn't look like that big of a chore. Honestly, I'm usually the one with library fines due to reading too many books at once and not getting them back. No one to blame but myself. Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth S Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Yes, you must address the underlying causes for the lost library items. However, I frequently offer to pay a quarter to the child who finds the lost library book (or in this case, parts of the kit). The price goes up as the due date approaches. ;-) It's a positive way of getting them to eagerly look for what is lost. But we NEVER check out "small-sized" books or other items from the library. It's just too much pain to try to re-find them before they're due! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newlifemom Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 I returned what I could find of the tote, spoke with the librarian, who was lovely and I have 30 days to find the items before I have to pay. This week-end, dh and I will be moving furniture and looking. It's in the house somewhere. We haven't put the toys away, they are just not allowed to play with them. I looked at Joanne's site, and while I am not in absolute agreement with everything she says, most of it makes a lot of sense. I am working on natural consequences and taking the offending child into the bathroom to speak with quietly. By the time I am there, my anger has definately subsided. I am trying to understand where they are developmentally and not expect too much, but I also believe that they need to be responsible and learn that actions have consequences. Truly as Joanne put it so eloquently, I need to get off my butt and parent. Thanks all. Feel free to keep me accountable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 I returned what I could find of the tote, spoke with the librarian, who was lovely and I have 30 days to find the items before I have to pay. This week-end, dh and I will be moving furniture and looking. It's in the house somewhere. We haven't put the toys away, they are just not allowed to play with them. I looked at Joanne's site, and while I am not in absolute agreement with everything she says, most of it makes a lot of sense. I am working on natural consequences and taking the offending child into the bathroom to speak with quietly. By the time I am there, my anger has definately subsided. I am trying to understand where they are developmentally and not expect too much, but I also believe that they need to be responsible and learn that actions have consequences. Truly as Joanne put it so eloquently, I need to get off my butt and parent. Thanks all. Feel free to keep me accountable. :grouphug: You sound like a great mom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reya Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 (edited) 1) Make them clean daily. Twice a day if you must. 2) Stand over them at first. They can't do what they haven't been taught--and if your 10-y-o is like this, then, well, they haven't been taught! Then, they must become more responsible. 3) If they don't clean it to your standards, you get to do whatever you want with their toys. Donate things you think they mess up but don't use. Toss the "broken beloved" toys. Confiscate, confiscate, confiscate until they stay clean. 4) Make sure there is a place for everything and that everyone is capable, physically, of putting things where they go. 5) You have to stay neat, too. No fair to have double standards. 6) If they break it, they pay for it. My ds actually has lots of opportunities to earn money. He can lose it, too. 7) Cleaning should occur before meals. Not clean? No food until it is. They won't be able to make more than 2 meals. Edited February 28, 2009 by Reya Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EthiopianFood Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 Just to add on to what others have already said. If your children have so many toys that they don't seem bothered when you take some away, they have too many toys in the first place. They don't value their toys. I would seriously consider only allowing access to a small number of toys at a time, possibly on a rotating basis if you don't want to get rid of the rest (I wouldn't, I'm too cheap, to be honest). Also, I have NO idea if this is an issue in your family, but examine how often they receive new toys. In my experience, children who receive new toys frequently don't always value what they have, because they know something new is just around the corner. I take great joy in giving too, but you are doing your kids no favors if you are merely making them spoiled. Again, I don't know if this is an issue in YOUR family, just throwing that idea out there. Good luck! I'm a messy person, so this will be a battle for me as well, I think. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SouljaQT Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 I agree with what RaeAnne said get rid of some of their toys to reduce clutter. My son had so many toys and I made him make 3 piles, keep, throw away, and donate. I was suprised to see how much he actually wanted to keep. In response to your initial post, would I make my kids pay for the library materials they lost...Yes if they understood a few basic money concepts, if not, I would enforce a different consequence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen sn Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 Well, a couple options come to mind. 1. You pay the fine and don't check these types of things out from the library anymore. If your dc ask, say no because they cannot take care of them properly. 2. Talk to your dc and they pay half for being careless and you cover half because you're the mom or you are showing grace or you allowed the item to be checked out so you are taking part of the responsibility or whatever reason you want to insert here. Then you can also decide if you will allow these types of items to be checked out in the future. 3. You pay the fine and find another way for your dc to "pay" you back. It could be extra chores, no extra treats because that money was spent to pay the fine, etc. 4. They pay the fine and (hopefully) learn the hard way that they need to take care of items that don't belong to them. This sort of thing is hard, but they need to realize that their actions have consequences. I wouldn't let them off the hook, but I may extend a bit of grace. I certainly would not check out anymore of these types of things from the library. :grouphug: I do know how you feel as I have a child who is very much like this. I try to be understanding about it (she has the absent minded professor personality), but it can be very frustrating. I am sorry you have to deal with this. Paying library fines is no fun. :( Well said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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