Donuts will get me pregnant, who knew?!

[Kristiana]

Very minor vent...

 

I'm dealing with secondary infertility here and have decided to be more open about it. So we took some Valentine cookies to some friends and their mom, who is my friend, opened the door to a conversation on fertility. So I decided to speak up and told her somewhat of our troubles. After her "You know, a lot of people get pregnant once they turn in those adoption papers and are finally relaxed" comment, she told me I just need to gain weight and eat more donuts. :confused:

 

Never mind that I'm naturally thin and am the same weight I was when I conceived four times previously. I just need to "Have more donut days." That will do it! Who knew?

 

Now that I can laugh about this a little, what's the most insensitive/wacky conception advice you've ever gotten?

Edited February 16, 2009 by Kristiana

[Danestress]

It's incredibly obnoxious to think that you have the "solution" to another person's medical problems of whatever type. I HATE when people say things like, "Oh, your Dad has Alzheimer's? Maybe he should take fish oil." The fertlity thing is awful though. I am also naturally thinnish (not as thin as I used to be though, lol) and it was very painful to be told that I just needed to "relax." I am a pretty laid back person, but infertility and miscarriage tends to stress a person out a bit:)

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[GWOB]

After I had two miscarriages (after 2 healthy pregnancies), I had a friend's dh tell me it was best because "Those 2 babies probably would have been retarded."

Edited February 16, 2009 by wendilouwho

[readwithem]

Now that I can laugh about this a little, what's the most insensitive conception advice you've ever gotten?

 

"You must be having fun trying.":glare:

Edited February 16, 2009 by readwithem

[SpecialClassical]

I heard the opposite. And I wasn't overweight.

 

We were advised by doctors to stop having biological children because I was unable to give birth naturally due to having large babies. And when the doctors went in surgically to get my son whose head was stuck (very scary,horrible situation) in the birth canal, they found quite a mess from my first c-section. So they said no more c-sections.

 

We talked to our mid wife, prayed about it, and ordered the surgery report. After reading the details of my condition it was clear that we had to stop having children. (We even wonder if the condition of my uterus was the cause of a miscarriage I had.)

 

Anyway, after relaying this information to one of my friends she told me I should just be careful about what I ate while pregnant. Then the baby would be small enough and I could give birth naturally! O... KAY! :glare:

 

This was very sweet, good friend. People just want to provide answers and solve the problem. Life is not so simple.

[Rose in BC]

And no, filling out adoption paper or even actually completing three adoptions, did not improve our fertility. Sometimes I just wish people would keep their comments to themselves.

 

Just reading your post brought up repressed feelings from more than dozen years ago. (Really I am over it! lol! :001_smile:)

[SonshineLearner]

I'd say that if you're gonna eat donuts, make sure they're Krispy Kreme. And good for you that you can somewhat laugh at this... I think that most of the time when I stick my foot way back in my mouth....far enough that even <I> gag...it's because of the uncomfortableness that I feel. I'm not trying to be insensitive.. and while I try to dig myself out....I usually fall farther in... If more donuts worked... that'd be great, huh? Too bad it's not so simple. I tried not to get pregnant with my first....and tried for almost a year with my second.... I'm sorry that it hasn't happened again for you.. .Best wishes for many more happy healthy babies:-)

Carrie:-)

[Veritaserum]

Fertility can bring out the rude comments, too. "Don't you know what causes that?" :glare: No, could you explain, please? :tongue_smilie:

 

FWIW, a good friend of mine had secondary infertility for about 5.5 years after her second baby. She now has four. So, I hope it happens for you, too. :) Clomid is what eventually worked for her.

[Jean in Newcastle]

This is why I do not discuss fertility with anyone who is not my husband or my Dr. People can not help but want to share with you the "secret". And it may indeed have helped or seemed to help with Aunt Hilda when she wanted to get pregnant but there are too many variables and of course you don't want to get into your whole medical history. That is why you only discuss it with your husband (who has been with you throughout all of this medical history) and your Dr. (who has taken notes).

[Kristiana]

This is why I do not discuss fertility with anyone who is not my husband or my Dr.

 

You know, I've debated on whether to speak out about this for a while now, but I've decided that the positive and caring remarks (not to mention prayers) I've gotten from family and friends recently are totally worth the few inane remarks and "helpful" advice. Sure, it really isn't anyone else's business, but I've been going through this pretty silently for over 3 years now and I've felt so lonely and in need of some support. It's been wonderful to have other women tell me that they've been there and know what it feels like.

 

I've actually had more insensitive things said because people don't know I'm going through infertility. Things like "Isn't it about time to have another one? When are you going to get busy?" and from my aunt, "If Kristiana would just have another baby, Grandma would quit bugging me about when my kids are going to get married." And my favorite--"You said you want another baby--does your husband know about this?" Oh no, I've neglected to mention it to him. :rolleyes: So I've decided to be more forthcoming from now on.

 

I really think this has helped me realize that we have no idea what those around us may be suffering through in silence and hopefully has made me a more sensitive friend.

[Kristiana]

I HATE when people say things like, "Oh, your Dad has Alzheimer's? Maybe he should take fish oil."

 

Oh yes, people always know the cure for my mother's MS.

[CactusPair]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Other than mentioning a little to y'all, I have not discussed anything with anyone but Dr, hubby and 2 friends. In general, most people know that I'm interested in building our family (my mom, congregation, etc), but it's best not to get detailed. Generally, the comment started off with "at least you have a girl and a boy" and progressed to comments about "starting over."

 

Well, and it seems there may not be something to get too detailed about afterall. Doc pretty much left it at IVF and though I've researched and such, the information she gave us suggested that we may not be able to wrap our heads around an aspect of it morally which will mean it probably won't happen (we won't compromise our beliefs to do it).

 

I did have a pregnancy (and early m/c) just a few months ago. So maybe it'll "oops" happen which is what most people think when you have two teenagers and get pregnant having a 14+ year age difference anyway.

[Danestress]

As obnoxious as people can be, if they don't know you are in pain, they are worse. I felt like my closest friends, my sisters, my Mom and my MIL needed to know. I sometimes found myself crying at inappropriate moments, and of course the pregnancy loss that is part of infertility for me was harder to hide. I didn't discuss things in detail, but I didn't see a reason to hide my pain entirely from all the people who love me. It seems like it would be unfair to them to never let them know that this was happening in our lives.

 

Also, people with fertility problems are in pain and need ministering. Husbands don't always really understand. If I decided that I could only talk about fertility to my husband (who really had about a 2 minute appetite for discussion) and my doctor, I would never have a chance to reach out in love to a friend in a similar situation. It seems almost selfish, though I understand that for you it might feel self protective not to share. Honestly, I didn't like talking about the details and I absolutely *loathe* when women share details about their monthly cycle, their childbirth experiences etc. I'm sort of a prude. But I do think that for me, there have been occasions when God could use my experiences of loss, disappointment, frustration, and dwindling faith in his love to minister to another person, and I think that has been the blessing of infertility for me.

Edited February 16, 2009 by Danestress

[Anna]

After her "You know, a lot of people get pregnant once they turn in those adoption papers and are finally relaxed" comment...

 

 

That has got to be one of the most ignorant comments a person can make to a couple struggling with infertility. As a mom whose college kids are both adopted, I can't tell you how many times we were told that very thing. Grrrrrrr..... :cursing::banghead:

[Michele B]

I have two beautiful daughter. I had a miscarriage in between. I have endometriosis. Daughter #2 was conceived after surgery. I would love to have more children. The worst remark I ever received was from a friend who said, "At least you will never have to make ethical decisions about birth control." (We are both catholic.) I was floored. She never tried to soften it. She just did not get it. She has five so far by the way.

[jonesloonybin]

I had secondary in fertility. (I had a child from a previous marriage but my Dh did not have any children)

 

Many people would say things like..."Well, at least you have one child". Like it is any less heartbreaking if you already have one child. What about my dh? He did not have any bio children.

 

Oh..we also got a lot of the "Just relax and it will happen" Of course my family thought we should wait to have children. (We got married when I was 24 and my dh was 34) We started trying on our wedding night. So, I did not get much sympathy from family.

[CalicoKat]

Oh man, this brings back tons of emotions.

 

Infertile, still.

 

BUT I do have 5 children by way of adoption.

 

I am fat. So I used to always get asked, "When's the due date?" Not just by family members, but perfect strangers--in elevators, shopping, church, etc. Anywhere.

 

I finally stopped getting upset and would look at them very blandly, "Oh, I've been working on this (hand on either side of my pooch) for several years now." :lol:

 

One dear old lady just about passed out from embarassment. She apologized up the wazooo the entire 4 stories up in the elevator.

 

I think our culture's speculation about pregnancies with future brides and new brides is out of line. Yes, it's an exciting thought. But don't you think it's private between the new couple?

[Melinda in VT]

I've actually had more insensitive things said because people don't know I'm going through infertility. Things like "Isn't it about time to have another one? When are you going to get busy?" and from my aunt, "If Kristiana would just have another baby, Grandma would quit bugging me about when my kids are going to get married." And my favorite--"You said you want another baby--does your husband know about this?" Oh no, I've neglected to mention it to him. :rolleyes: So I've decided to be more forthcoming from now on.

 

I can relate to this part! We went through our secondary infertility in Utah, and I know what you mean about the expectation of another baby once your youngest reaches a certain age.

 

:grouphug:

[MamaT]

I can relate to this as well. I had three mc is one year after our third son. The thing I hated the most is when people said, "It was for the best." Best for who?

 

My husband has always said, "The world if full of wonderful people and six a** holes." I seemed to run into all of them during this time period.

 

We did end up having one more after this, even though our doctor said we wouldn't (and adopted two!).

 

It's best just to let statements like that go. It's not worth the space in your head.

[Nakia]

Oh man, that's hard! We were young when we starting trying to get pregnant. After several months and no luck, I went to the doctor. It was time for my yearly anyway. He ran some tests, and I was.not.ovulating.at.all. So I took Clomid. People said some of the rudest things, all because of my age. I kept trying to make them understand that it didn't matter if I was 22 or 32 or 42--I wasn't ovulating. I wasn't going to get pregnant without meds. So I took my Clomid and conceived two beautiful little girls. After that, my body must have been jump started because I conceived again, twice, with no meds. The third pregnancy ended in an early loss (and don't even get me started on what people said after that!!!) and then I had Cora.

:grouphug:

[LBC]

Now that I can laugh about this a little, what's the most insensitive/wacky conception advice you've ever gotten?

 

Before I conceived our first child, I was having fertility issues. I had one woman go to the trouble of calling me on the phone to tell me that it would help if I stood on my head after intercourse! You may as well tell someone that standing up after intercourse is a method of birth control.:001_huh:

 

Lori

[Pamela H in Texas]

People said some of the rudest things, all because of my age. I kept trying to make them understand that it didn't matter if I was 22 or 32 or 42--I wasn't ovulating. I wasn't going to get pregnant without meds.

 

I had doc help to get preg at 19....but when I went to another doc at 22, he was very disapproving. But it would have been MUCH more likely to get pregnant at 22 than it has been since. People really should keep their judgmentalness to themselves.

 

My current doc said she would have treated me at 22. I just went to her 12 years too late <sigh>

[Janet in Toronto]

My MIL, a very devout Catholic, told me that "holding a baby at their baptism" (i.e., becoming a godmother) would help me get pregnant. Who knew? It worked! My goddaughter was baptised in the summer of 1990. I got pregnant that fall, miscarried around 8 weeks, got pregnant almost immediately thereafter and had my first child in November 1991. I had never been pregnant before and we had been trying for four years, with all kinds of fertility treatments.

 

Wacky? Maybe. Anecdotal? Of course. But I thank that woman daily for her faithfulness to me, her (at-the-time) non-Catholic daughter-in-law.

[swellmomma]

I have had 6 m/c in my life, There has been 2 comments that really got to me, the first was "Well obviously it is better this way, there must have been something wrong with it" First off "it" was my baby and how is it better?? The second one, came from one of my sister's friends after my 6th m/c, I m/c just days before her wedding shower, and the girl had the nerve to say "well at least now you can drink at her wedding" WTF is that?? First off I don't drink anyway, not to mention the fact I would do anything to have that baby still kwim.

 

I have had my share of insensitive comments from people struggling with infertility too though, comments like "Well at least you *can* get pregnant" and said with a tone that implies their struggle is worse than mine. Yup I can, but maintaining the pregnancy is very very hard, the 6 m/c and 3 preemies prove that. I think that neither struggle is more severe than the other, the pain is there whether I can conceive or not kwim.

[Happy]

Oh, I so wish I could find every person who said something like to us when we were hurting so much. I've been 27 years without any form of birth control. We've adopted two wonderful sons.

 

Evidently, we (because we both have issues) never 'relaxed' enough to get pregnant.

 

Although...I do personally know three couples who adopted and found out they were pregnant immediately after, but it never happened to us.

 

As painful as it is to hear all the garbage, I do agree that being more open about our struggles, difficulties, and needs helps others find help when they need it.

 

At best, we should all keep notes and write a humorous book someday.

[Kristiana]

I didn't discuss things in detail, but I didn't see a reason to hide my pain entirely from all the people who love me. It seems like it would be unfair to them to never let them know that this was happening in our lives.

 

I agree!

 

Also, people with fertility problems are in pain and need ministering. Husbands don't always really understand. If I decided that I could only talk about fertility to my husband (who really had about a 2 minute appetite for discussion) and my doctor, I would never have a chance to reach out in love to a friend in a similar situation.

 

I think my husband finally understands what this all means to me, but it has taken us a long time to get to this point. And my dr. is really wonderful, but still, he's male. :) Talking to other women and feeling love and support from them, especially from those who have btdt is just different. And needed, at least by me.

 

But I do think that for me, there have been occasions when God could use my experiences of loss, disappointment, frustration, and dwindling faith in his love to minister to another person, and I think that has been the blessing of infertility for me.

 

Thank you so much for sharing this! I can relate to all you've shared here and I do hope that my trial can be used to bless someone else in need at some point.

 

And thank you to all who've shared. :001_smile:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sometimes you can't win for losing. There really is no way to totally get away from the comments.

 

I've had the "so when are you going to have a baby" comments - even from my dental hygienist!

 

It was worse from family members. I finally bluntly told one older cousin that the Dr. had told me that I would never have children. I thought she would be embarrassed at having pressed me. No, she countered with "Why not?" I was not going to continue that conversation. . . That's when I decided to not discuss it at all.

 

Or I would ask the question back to anyone who asked me! "When am I going to have another baby? Well, when are you?"

 

(I did end up with two biological children but the deliveries etc. came with difficulties of their own.)

[HappyGrace]

and for what you're going through. It cannot be easy. It always helps me to read threads like this because they help me know what NOT to say to someone going through a tough situation! Please have mercy on the person that said this-they may just not have much sensitivity. I was never taught by anyone this type of sensitivity thing-what to say to help and not offend the person- and I fear I might have said the same thing in the same situation, purely from trying to be helpful or give the person hope of some kind, or just out of not understanding the situation-really, I never know what to say sometimes so I'm sure I've done this type of thing before too! (I didn't even know about writing this comment in case it would be offensive in some way.)

[Parrothead]

I had secondary in fertility. (I had a child from a previous marriage but my Dh did not have any children)

 

Many people would say things like..."Well, at least you have one child". Like it is any less heartbreaking if you already have one child. What about my dh? He did not have any bio children.

 

Oh..we also got a lot of the "Just relax and it will happen" Of course my family thought we should wait to have children. (We got married when I was 24 and my dh was 34) We started trying on our wedding night. So, I did not get much sympathy from family.

Oh, yeah, the "at least you have one," really gets to me.

[AnnetteB]

We suffered a miscarriage with our second pregnancy and I actually thought to myself as I held our eldest, then just a year, that I was fortunate to have a child. At that moment I doubted that I might ever have another and I counted myself blessed to have the one. We were blessed immediately with another pregnancy and that sure raised eyebrows and we had to endure all the, "Shouldn't you have waited longer?" questions. We have suffered the disappointment of six miscarriages over the years and the sympathy wanes as your family grows. We kept pregnancy news to ourselves after awhile. I've answered the unwitting, "Are you pregnant?" or, "When are you due?" questions with a wistful, "Oh, I wish I were."

[mommaduck]

We were told we couldn't have children (wouldn't know it now, would you? That first pregnancy jump started everything). We were given all kinds of advice. I can only say that it was the Grace of God that it happened at all.

 

However, you want to talk about rude and mean people. I was in labour with our son that was stillborn (we knew), and hubby's grandmother calls the room, asks for me, and says, "God knows how many you can afford" (apparently this was why our baby was dead?!

[anewday]

"You must be having fun trying.":glare:

 

Yep - have had that one.

 

And this one too -

 

"Do you think God may be telling you no?"

 

And

 

"Maybe with your husbands health issues, it's better you don't have more".

 

:(

[anewday]

I have learned some things about having secondary infertility.

 

Just because I have 3 beautiful children and would love another does not mean I am not grateful for the ones I have.

 

Secondary infertility IS painful.

 

It is best not to share about it with most people.

 

It is lonely.

[KristenS]

(((Hugs))) to all of you.

 

We lost our middle child early on. We have two living, but won't be having any more due to the severe depression it triggers in me. And I'm here, with my one boy and one girl, and feel guilty for this blessing that so many other women don't have ... and simultaneously feel jealous that I won't be able to have any more.

 

I will say, after our loss, we got the STUPIDest comments (mostly variations on the ones above). The ONE person who made a sympathetic comment (other than my immediate family, who were very sweet) was a teenage friend of mine. Obviously not someone you'd expect to know better, she certainly wasn't a mother yet. Her comment was along the lines of "at least the baby won't suffer" ... which sounds awful the way some people say it, but the way she said it, you could tell she was truly sorry about whatever went wrong to cause the loss, and was at least glad the baby was in heaven and okay now. She had no clue, but she was the biggest blessing of anyone at that time ... because she cared about the baby.

 

On a funny note, I do have a friend who tried for ten years to have a child, couldn't, adopted, and was working on paperwork for their second adoption when suddenly they got pregnant. Go figure. She was ecstatic ... it was nauseating to watch, LOL, because we were due at about the same time and she was just this picture-perfect glowing pregnancy while I was sick as a dog the whole time. But she deserved it, and I am glad she had that blessing.

[Lisa in Jax]

We have secondary IF, too. About five years ago, we adopted after ttc for five years w/o a successful pg.

 

The worst comment that comes to mind is the woman who asked, "Will you give the kids back if you conceive?" after we adopted. <sigh>

 

Lisa

[Remudamom]

Once my 5yr old dd was talking to her friend about how chickens get pregnant, "The rooster pulls their hair and then they get a baby in the egg." One of the listening moms said "Yep, everytime dh pulls my hair there's another baby!"

[OH_Homeschooler]

After her "You know, a lot of people get pregnant once they turn in those adoption papers and are finally relaxed" comment, she told me I just need to gain weight and eat more donuts.

Well, her comment about adoption is flawed reasoning so it only follows that her donut comment is as well. It's a classic illusory correlation...people only think it's common to get pregnant after adopting, but that's only because that particular chain of events is so uncommon that people pay more attention to it and give it much more weight than it deserves.

[Happy]

Oh, yeah, the "at least you have one," really gets to me.

 

Gulp...but, see, as someone who never got to be pregnant at all, I'm green with envy that you got to carry a child. That you get to see your face or your husband's in those precious eyes and mouth. That you succeeded where we did not.

 

I have said something similar because I wanted the person to count their blessings. It could have been worse.

 

It is such an emotional subject.

[Mommyfaithe]

Very minor vent...

 

I'm dealing with secondary infertility here and have decided to be more open about it. So we took some Valentine cookies to some friends and their mom, who is my friend, opened the door to a conversation on fertility. So I decided to speak up and told her somewhat of our troubles. After her "You know, a lot of people get pregnant once they turn in those adoption papers and are finally relaxed" comment, she told me I just need to gain weight and eat more donuts. :confused:

 

Never mind that I'm naturally thin and am the same weight I was when I conceived four times previously. I just need to "Have more donut days." That will do it! Who knew?

 

Now that I can laugh about this a little, what's the most insensitive/wacky conception advice you've ever gotten?

 

The most insensitive thing that was sid is "You already have 5 children.

Maybe that miscarriage was God's way of telling you you are done having babies." Oh, and..."You are just too fat to get pregnant." (The opposite of the sage advice you received. I am sorry you are going through this. On a brighter note, I did have 2 children (18 mos. apart) after a year and 1/2 of not getting pregnant.

 

Good luck to you. I hope you have a baby soon

~~Faithe

[Faithseed]

We have 4 children, the youngest is almost 4.Two and a half years ago, I miscarried at 14 weeks. Every since then, my cycles have been completely out of sorts, and we've had 3 more known M/Cs, (two in the last 9 months at 7 and 10 weeks) and likely 2 more very early ones which I refused to even take the HPT with. I've have been poked prodded and tested for the cause, and never received an answer. It's like something switched "off" in my system no allowing me to carry a child.

 

Due to the stream of insensitive comments, I stopped talking. I stopped telling people that we were expecting. Probably from self protection. Not to mention the million times I look around the table and know I'm missing some faces, or seeing someone with a baby the same age as I would now have, or as far along as I would now be. The pain is still right on the surface, I suppose.

 

As someone else mentioned, it has really opened my eyes to the fact that people are walking around every day with real hurts and pains. This really hit home for me when I was waiting on a natural MC, walking through W-Mart gathering food for my family for the time I knew would soon come and I would be bed-ridden. Trying to keep a pleasant look about me, trying to hide the incredible pain and choke back tears, just trying to be normal.

 

There was no one to share my burden with, so I shut down. You are right, though...it is lonely. It can also be a breath of fresh air just to get the conversation out in the open- even better if it could help someone else.

 

:grouphug:

Thanks for starting this thread. I'm sure there are many more on the board who share the personal struggles of infertility.

[AnnetteB]

:grouphug: As one who has known the pain of six first-trimester pregnancies I can empathize. I used to suffer from what a friend and I called "weeping womb." Such a strong desire for another child! I know that there are many causes, but if it helps just one of you....My own experience was helped by taking supplements above the normal minimum daily requirements. I could see the benefits in my morning basal temps. Vitanica has an excellent pre-natal that I took constantly pg or not. I needed kelp to boost my failing thyroid. After it failed completely replacement thyroid hormone was necessary. My ob/gyn is a wonderful lady who allowed me to start asap and take progesterone with the last pregnancy after repeated losses without constant testing or proving a "need" for it.

[jonesloonybin]

Gulp...but, see, as someone who never got to be pregnant at all, I'm green with envy that you got to carry a child. That you get to see your face or your husband's in those precious eyes and mouth. That you succeeded where we did not.

 

I have said something similar because I wanted the person to count their blessings. It could have been worse.

 

It is such an emotional subject.

 

And I am sure that when you said it you were trying to be nice but it can come across as "my pain is more valid than yours". Having a child is a HUGE blessing and I cherished her completely...but that did not take away the longing to have another child..or to experience a pregnancy & labor like you described above..(that was not the case with my first one.) And I wanted to give that gift to my dh, who had never had a child. It was so heartbreaking. I think the comments that are the most hurtful are the ones that start with..."Well, at least......" How about the women that cannot have babies saying to a woman that just lost her child.."Well, at least you had a child for a while" At least nothing. Those statements make people feel that their pain is not valid or as important as another's pain.

 

Not saying this about YOU. Just stating what I feel in general. I am sure that everyone here has made comments that did not come across how we would like. It is hard to deal with someone else's pain. It is hard to know what to say to bring comfort to that person. And most people can tell when someone is saying something with a good/pure intention and when they are just being dismissive or rude.

[Blue Hen]

"You must be having fun trying.":glare:

 

I got that one too. So insensitive.

 

Carole

[GWOB]

As someone else mentioned, it has really opened my eyes to the fact that people are walking around every day with real hurts and pains. This really hit home for me when I was waiting on a natural MC, walking through W-Mart gathering food for my family for the time I knew would soon come and I would be bed-ridden. Trying to keep a pleasant look about me, trying to hide the incredible pain and choke back tears, just trying to be normal.

 

There was no one to share my burden with, so I shut down. You are right, though...it is lonely. It can also be a breath of fresh air just to get the conversation out in the open- even better if it could help someone else.

 

:grouphug:

Thanks for starting this thread. I'm sure there are many more on the board who share the personal struggles of infertility.

 

I had to take a moment after reading this to compose myself. The exact same thing happened to me. Walking through Wal-Mart trying to keep it together as everything is falling apart inside. No one in my family had ever had a miscarriage. No one understood. My "friends" at the time were unsupportive. All I got were the comments everyone else mentioned. Who are we supposed to turn to? Are we supposed to keep it inside? Do we have to pay someone to listen to us? Why can't we expect people to just say "That really sucks. I'm sorry for your loss." It's been 3 years since my miscarriages. I've had a healthy baby since then, but it just never goes away.

[Blue Hen]

I had to take a moment after reading this to compose myself. The exact same thing happened to me. Walking through Wal-Mart trying to keep it together as everything is falling apart inside. No one in my family had ever had a miscarriage. No one understood. My "friends" at the time were unsupportive. All I got were the comments everyone else mentioned. Who are we supposed to turn to? Are we supposed to keep it inside? Do we have to pay someone to listen to us? Why can't we expect people to just say "That really sucks. I'm sorry for your loss." It's been 3 years since my miscarriages. I've had a healthy baby since then, but it just never goes away.

 

:grouphug::

 

I could have written what you wrote --- no one in my family before me or since I had my youngest has had a miscarriage. I had 3. No one had experienced infertility and they seemed to LOVE to share that all they had to do was suggest they should have another child and *poof* they found out they were 3 months along. That certainly did not help me one bit. I would have loved to hear one time --- "That really sucks. I'm sorry you are going through this."

 

I got the 'you're just too fat' from my mom, of all people.

 

I got the 'God doesn't want you to have more kids then your brother has' from my mom. He stopped after one.

 

I got the 'If you would just relax you would conceive.' comments.

 

'Your first is a handful, you really shouldn't bring another one into the world like him.' That was from family too. Any wonder I really did not want to be around them! My first was a handful at that age but I loved it and loved him for being spirited and wouldn't trade it for the world. And we would have gladly taken another dozen handful-kids. Oh, and he isn't a handful anymore, wonderful kid to be around.

 

And this was 13-16 years ago so there wasn't the internet to reach out to for support. And the pain doesn't go away.

 

We did do fertility treatments, and finally we succeeded with bringing our second son into the world. He was a twin however the other baby's heart stopped sometime between 9 and 11 weeks gestation. Pain and joy.

 

Carole

[TCoppock]

I think I'm less open now about infertility than I was in the past due to comments. DH's father nags me every time I see him about when I'm going to have a grandbaby for him. I try and just smile and say I don't know but it kills me inside. I've requested DH have a heart to heart with him but this doesn't seem to have helped any. I honestly try to avoid seeing him because of these comments. My mother is the complete opposite telling me we wouldn't want another one like DS. Ummm... YES I WOULD! DS has ADHD and drives me crazy at times but he is the sweetest, most loving child. It upsets me even more when she talks about how she is buying baby items for my brother who #1 isn't married yet and #2 fiance isn't even pregnant. I have always had a difficult time standing up for myself with my mother so basically I say nothing and keep it all inside. Aside from family I get comments from my coworkers either asking me "Don't you want another one?" or making comments about how I don't want another one secondary to DH health. (Really I've never said anything like that) I can almost always shake off comments from coworkers and strangers but the comments from family really sit heavy on my heart.

 

DS told me the other day that I still have plenty of time to have another baby because he read in the Genus Book of World Records a lady had a baby at 80. :001_smile: (Who wouldn't want another blessing like that)

 

He also got excited when he was younger because he thought for $39 we could buy a brother or sister. He was watching one of the commercial to send money to help a child in need, but he misunderstood and thought we actually got to buy the child. He was quite disappointed when I explained the entire thing to him.

[Veritaserum]

My MIL has mentioned a few times to me that it's good that my SIL (her daughter) doesn't have kids, yet due to her dh's (BIL) depression. It breaks my heart when MIL says it (and I hope she never says anything like that around my SIL) because I know my SIL would LOVE to have a baby. They've been trying for 4 years and she's had two miscarriages (a year apart). My MIL sees that life with a baby is more complicated, but I know my SIL would welcome that "complication" with open arms.

 

This thread just reminds me to be more careful and sensitive with my comments....