Mrs. H. Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 that just because four of my kids have the flu (and me too, now), that doesn't mean that I have lost the ability to tell when they have a fever, or need fluids and rest, or know where to put them to sleep so I can keep an eye on them? I have been a mother for over 10 years, and no, I've never had four sick at once, but neither has she, and her being an RN doesn't mean she gets to call me to find out how many times each kid got up in the middle of the night, and what I did about it, or did I remember to give them something for fever before they went to bed, and remind me that kids' whose fevers get too high can have seizures, and not to get them out to run errands because they don't feel good. I finally told her yesterday that I used to take care of four kids and lived four hours away from all family, and I did just fine. I think I offended her, but she is driving me crazy! She wants to come this weekend and "help", but I'm afraid I will lose my mind with her here. Okay, rant over. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Really, I'm trying to be sympathetic, but... I've been so sick this week, and I would have just *loved* it if my mom could have taken off work and come to help take care of the kids (and me!). I had some great friends pull through and help out, but it's not the same. (Dh is out of town too this week, so that's part of it for me.) Is there any way you could let her come and you can just hole up in your room with the door shut and sleep/read and let her bring you medicine and tea when you need it? I know it feels like she's questioning your ability to mother, and that's maddening. From the outside though, I *bet* she's just being a mom and *desperately* wanting to take care of her precious baby girl. She doesn't want you over-extended when you're already sick, and she wishes she could make everything better for you *and* the kids. Annoying as she is, is there *something* you could ask her to do that would make her feel productive and either help you or at least not make you crazy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 ....She wants to come this weekend and "help", but I'm afraid I will lose my mind with her here. .... Tell her how much you appreciate her concern, but that all you really want right now is sympathy and virtual chicken soup (unless she wants to mail you some from that site someone found the other day!). Also, and be adamant about this, she should NOT come unless you/your dh can't keep up. This flu is rampant and virulent. The last thing she needs is to catch it, and the last thing YOU need is to get better only to have to care for your mother who is too ill to go home. Hang in there. We're mostly on the upswing after four days. Hope you all are there soon, too! Doran Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 ....I know it feels like she's questioning your ability to mother, and that's maddening. From the outside though, I *bet* she's just being a mom and *desperately* wanting to take care of her precious baby girl. She doesn't want you over-extended when you're already sick, and she wishes she could make everything better for you *and* the kids. .... Now I feel like a heel. Abbey, you're exactly right. My mother would do the same if it was at all in her power to leave her caretaking role with my ailing father. It's really all about how much they care for us. I hope YOU feel better soon. No one should have to be sick and caregiver all at the same time. The timing on that stinks for you. Doran Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 ...It's really all about how much they care for us... Which, I promise I recognize doesn't really make it less annoying. ;) I mean, I'd be fine with my mom being here, but if it was my MIL (who loves us very much and would certainly do her very best to take care of us and mother us to death), my head might implode. (Okay, this week it might do that on its own, but you know what I mean.) It's a tough one though... 'Cause they *do* want to help (as I assume most of us will someday), but sure, sometimes it's more stressful than helpful. Sigh. Mrs. H, I really do hope you work out a way to tell your mom you don't need her around in order to recover and know that she cares. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancypants Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 You poor thing!! I don't know though... I might be inclined to suffer the annoyance for the sake of having help (I probably feel this way because we have no family nearby and I feel it acutely sometimes)... I have had four kids sick plenty of times now... I feel your pain! (One of those times, mind you, included all of them throwing up at the same exact time... all night long... with Dad out of town! UGH!) ((((hugs)))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 I agree with abbey. My mom is honestly all about making sure *I* am ok, even above making sure my kids are ok. Also...a lot of times people are just making conversation. When I was a Le Leche League Leader I used to tell people all the time-usually when someone asks if your baby is sleeping through the night, they are just making baby conversation, they aren't judging you. Mrs H- I hope you feel better soon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in SC Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 I'll make that call, if you'll call my mom and explain that she doesn't need to call me multiple times each day to tell me every single detail of the planning of her 2nd wedding! :D Seriously, I'm sure your mom means well, just as I'm sure mine simply wants to share her joy. But, believe me, I "get" what you're saying. I'm not trying to steal your thread, but I'm just sayin'....it's difficult to listen to a detailed description of oh...I don't know...say, *pantyhose* and their many variations. Daily. Sometimes hourly. Particularly when the man she is marrying has a personality resembling the hind end of a donkey. :rolleyes: I truly hope you and your family feel better soon. Psst: I'll make the call if you want. j/k :D (sorry I used my allotment of smilies...I couldn't help myself) Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 There was a time a couple years ago when both my kids were really, really, really sick. They had high fevers every. single. day. One kid went 10 days like this, and the other went 7. It was horrible! They were terribly sick. I thank God for our family physician, who is also our friend and neighbor--he stopped by more than once for a house call and willingly coached me and checked with me over the phone frequently. If he had told me they needed to be hospitalized, I would have done it, but he really trusted me to manage their care where they would be most comfortable, at home. My mil, whom I love very dearly, was absolutely frantic. Her grandchildren are the apple of her eye. She called numerous times each day. Then after checking in with me she would repeat my statements--inaccurately--to all her friends, who would pump her up with all kinds of fear-mongering, terrible advice, resulting in her calling me even more frantically. I finally just stopped answering the phone. Dh called her in the evenings to set her fears at rest. We were all relieved when the kids did indeed heal. She wasn't trying to be unkind or add to my stress. She felt so helpless--she thought she was helping and supporting. She just didn't realize how overwhelming these calls were. I would not have accepted her help either--if she had been in my house I would have gone crazy. I love her very dearly--I really, really do, and I really really have a strong, respectful friendship with her--but she would have added to my work and stress in an already very difficult situation. I was so thankful for my dh and his connection with her, his ability to talk to her and calm her fears. Sorry it's so rough. You'll get through it somehow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. H. Posted February 21, 2008 Author Share Posted February 21, 2008 Your replies always make me smile and feel better about any given situation. sclisa, I feel your pain. My mom, dad, and fil are all re-married to less than desirable partners, and we (dh and I plus the kids) seem to reap all the consequences of their actions. My mom has good intentions, and I think she does realize I'm ok without her help, but I think that bothers her more. When she called last night and I told her that everyone was fever-free and doing much better, she actually sounded disappointed, and told me they would probably relapse. She also seems to want me to get sick so she can come over and help. She's going through tons of stress right now. Her job is changing management and letting go of lots of people (no danger of her job, just lots of extra work on her), her mil just got diagnosed with cancer, and she is currently estranged from her husband, considering a divorce. I think either she so used to fixing things that she thinks I need fixing, or she feels like she needs to come over and do something she feels is helpful to feel needed. I am very sorry to hurt her feelings, but I can't fall into a trap of allowing her to use my family to fill emotional needs that she needs to deal with herself. My mom has boundary issues as well, and letting her have too much "say so" can set me back with her for months, so it may seem mean to outsiders, but I almost have to keep her at a distance to keep the peace, or she'll just step in and take over. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent and making me smile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 that just because four of my kids have the flu (and me too, now), that doesn't mean that I have lost the ability to tell when they have a fever, or need fluids and rest, or know where to put them to sleep so I can keep an eye on them? I have been a mother for over 10 years, and no, I've never had four sick at once, but neither has she, and her being an RN doesn't mean she gets to call me to find out how many times each kid got up in the middle of the night, and what I did about it, or did I remember to give them something for fever before they went to bed, and remind me that kids' whose fevers get too high can have seizures, and not to get them out to run errands because they don't feel good. I finally told her yesterday that I used to take care of four kids and lived four hours away from all family, and I did just fine. I think I offended her, but she is driving me crazy! She wants to come this weekend and "help", but I'm afraid I will lose my mind with her here. Okay, rant over. Thank you. this is a tough time especially when you feel sick now yourself. Hope you can get some help. I'm almost inclined to agree with abbeyj - any help would be good. Your Mom is just concerned and probably not questioning your mothering ability. If she is willing to help - let her! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.