Holly in FL Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Are there some boundaries that will be challenged over and over and never accepted? It took almost 3 years for my mother to finally stop popping over during school hours to "visit." However, that action turned into her calling me during school hours. The classic "one habit being replaced with another." I have asked my mother not to call us unless it's an emergency. I've specifically asked her to call after 3pm. Well, she calls anyway...and, it just goes straight to the answering machine. She insists that I answer the phone and talk to her when she calls...but, I'm standing my ground on this. The other day, she called 4 times in a 30 minute time period. She wanted to tell me about a new store that has opened in our area and a few other trivial things...one of them being..."answer the phone when I call." Sigh... Any helpful suggestions? Please don't tell me to answer the phone. I'm not going to do that. Smiles! Thanks! ~Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 (((Holly in FL))) It sounds like you will have to be a broken record about your boundary and pass lots of bean dip. It's really tough dealing with people who will not listen. I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newbie Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Holly, I feel your pain. Dont answer the phone. Someday, I dont when they will get the msg. Its like doing time outs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeachGirl Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 I am sorry about your mom not respecting your boundary on school time. Maybe you could change your answering machine message to make it clear to everyone who calls that you do not accept incoming messages during school hours. Mention what time you will be available to return calls. Let them know if it is an emergency, you will phone them back earlier. Stick to your guns on this one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly in FL Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Yes...you are correct. Thanks, Cassandra! ~Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly in FL Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Well, everyone else DOES know not to call during those times. The only calls I get during the day are from solicitors and her. If my hubby calls from work...I know it's important. Thanks!! Smiles! ~Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Turn off the ringer and turn down the machine. Then you can let her know that you don't let the ringer/machine be heard because it distracts from school. So, no matter how many messages she leaves, she'll know she's not getting under your skin because you'll be blithely unaware that they're being left. That's silly that she doesn't respect that simple boundary. If you were at a job, she wouldn't be able to call you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 One thing I've found helpful is having a way for people to contact me in an emergency. Some people feel really strange about not being able to talk to you & it could be her anxiety about 'what if I really need to talk to you?' that's making her call over and over, even when she doesn't really need to talk, kwim? So, before we had cellphones, we had an 'emergency' phone protocol. If my mom needed to speak to me because it was a medical emergency etc. she'd let the phone ring once, hang up, and immediately ring again. That was my cue that this is a call I need to pick up. Now that I have my cell, only a handful of people have that # & it's only to be used for emerg. In other words, don't call me at home & when you get my voicemail, call my cell just because you want to talk. Call my cell only when there's blood, hospitals, accidents, big, huge issues involved. Do persist in not answering. Maybe put on your outgoing msg - "we are working now & will be returning calls at 4 pm." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 It took almost 3 years for my mother to finally stop popping over during school hours to "visit." However, that action turned into her calling me during school hours. The classic "one habit being replaced with another." I have asked my mother not to call us unless it's an emergency. I've specifically asked her to call after 3pm. Well, she calls anyway...and, it just goes straight to the answering machine. She insists that I answer the phone and talk to her when she calls...but, I'm standing my ground on this. The other day, she called 4 times in a 30 minute time period. She wanted to tell me about a new store that has opened in our area and a few other trivial things...one of them being..."answer the phone when I call." Sigh... Boundaries aren't about what you make the other person do/not do. Boundaries are defined by what YOU will do when/if a behavior you've communicated as unacceptable happens. "Mom, don't call during school hours" is not a boundary. "Mom, if you call before 3, I will not answer. If you bring up the subject of me taking your calls, I will hang up." "Mom, don't come over during school hours." is not a boundary. "Mom, if you come over during school hours, I will (close the door), (leave alone with the kids and school work), (not do our next planned activity with you)" is a boundary. "Mom, don't call 3 times in 30 minutes" is not a boundary. "Mom, if you repeatedly call, I will not answer." "I will block your calls". "I will not return the call until the next day". "I will not make plans with you" "All communication will be done through email" are boundaries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly in FL Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Oh, I don't answer the phone for anyone...except my hubby. Of course, none of my friends call during our school day....just solicitors. We just changed phone companies...and, when we figure the whole thing out...we can actually block phone numbers from ringing at the house completely...or, for certain times of the day. It will go straight to voice mail. I think that will be our only other choice. Thanks! ~Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly in FL Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 I've had this whole conversation with her. I've done just what you said. However, I do need to leave the ringer in case it's my hubby calling. Thanks! ~Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 *my* solution to the incessant calls from my mother was to NOT have a landline when we moved. We only have cell phones, and if it's my mother calling I can just press the *silence* button and I do NOT have to hear the phone ringing. I don't even check the messages when she leaves them. Now, she has 'tricked' me before by calling from my aunt's or using another person's cell phone. I've learned to just NOT answer if I am not able to talk or if I just do not WANT to talk. It took a long time to get the ridiculous amount of calls to stop. Now, I still have to enforce the boundary though. If I call her and talk for a while, she expects me to call her again later, or the next day, and the next day. So of course she calls me too often for a couple of days, and I ignore the calls. I NEED my space. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 I am sorry about your mom not respecting your boundary on school time. Maybe you could change your answering machine message to make it clear to everyone who calls that you do not accept incoming messages during school hours. Mention what time you will be available to return calls. Let them know if it is an emergency, you will phone them back earlier. Stick to your guns on this one. That's what I'd do. Even if she's the only one who calls, it may help to have a publicly communicated policy. I'm sure that somewhere in her mind, she believes that you break the 3pm rule for people that you *really* want to talk to. She thinks she should be one of those people. Otherwise, I would turn the ringer off and silence the answering machine. I just had another thought- you could tell her that you need to detox her from phone calls, so you'll be ignoring her- night and day, for the next week. But that's a little on the harsh side. Try changing your message first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly in FL Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Boundaries aren't about what you make the other person do/not do. Boundaries are defined by what YOU will do when/if a behavior you've communicated as unacceptable happens. Yes!! Thanks for the reminder. "Mom, don't call during school hours" is not a boundary. "Mom, if you call before 3, I will not answer. If you bring up the subject of me taking your calls, I will hang up." I have told her that I will not answer the phone...and, I don't. However, I haven't gone as far as telling her I will hang up. "Mom, don't come over during school hours." is not a boundary. "Mom, if you come over during school hours, I will (close the door), (leave alone with the kids and school work), (not do our next planned activity with you)" is a boundary. I have told her this exactly...about closing the door. Her reply is, "How dare you talk to me like that...I'm mother." "Mom, don't call 3 times in 30 minutes" is not a boundary. "Mom, if you repeatedly call, I will not answer." "I will block your calls". "I will not return the call until the next day". "I will not make plans with you" "All communication will be done through email" are boundaries. I have told her I will not answer the phone...and, I don't. However, that's as far as I've taken it. I believe I need to make a "true boundary" by giving the consequence as you have stated. Sigh... I'm the only one in the family that stands up to her. It makes it hard that my sister and brother just allow it...sugar-coat it...ignore it. Thanks so much! ~Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly in FL Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Smiles! Right now, we have an "electronic-generic message" because we have just changed phone companies. Making a specific message like that is a good idea. When she called last week and got that different message...she called back 3 times because she wanted to make sure we were getting her call. Ugh! ~Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly in FL Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Thanks! All good ideas! ~Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly in FL Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Oh my goodness! I'm sorry you have dealt with the same issue. Smiles! ~Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WyoSylvia Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 (edited) If you were at a job, she wouldn't be able to call you. :iagree:Or rather, she might think it was inappropriate and would probably resist the temptation. Edited February 6, 2009 by WyoSylvia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 work with one of the kids while you work with another. She could listen to a child read aloud, or work on math facts or flash cards. Or if that wouldn't work, ask her to vacuum or do the dishes or clean the bathroom. When my mom comes over during school hours, that's what I do! And she is always glad to help. We get the work done quicker that way, and then we can go out for coffee or for lunch, or just go shopping! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coffeefreak Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 A great book for you (I'm a bibliophile - can you tell?) would be "Boundaries" by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. I started reading it last year after Christmas (need I say more), and it has really helped me identify what another poster was telling you. Saying, "don't" is not a boundary, saying, "if you do this I will . . . " is a boundary. It also helped me clarify in my mind what my rights are in a relationship. It covers parents, friends, co-workers - it's really fabulous. Blessings! Dorinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 You told her not to call, you aren't answering, and once in a while if she brings it up in your presence, you just say, "Yeah, I don't answer the phone during the day." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly in FL Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Thanks! That IS exactly what I'm doing. Smiles! ~Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen in NS Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 I do need to leave the ringer in case it's my hubby calling. We turn our ringer off a lot, and turn the message machine down. If dd8 hears the machine, she goes over to it to listen for dh's voice, and if it's him, she answers it for me. Just an idea, if you have an answering machine. I realize it won't work if you have a message service, and I can't remember now what you said in the thread! :lol: Anyway, we had this same problem a few years ago with a person. A very strong willed person. When my kids were toddlers and babies and I was changing diapers one day upstairs and away from my phone, the phone kept ringing and ringing over and over again for about a half hour. I ignored it until *I* was ready (I don't have caller ID, nor do I want it so I can never be accused of ignoring certain people, LOL!). When I finally answered, I was pretty much reprimanded and shamed for not answering. I simply said, "I was changing diapers." It was the start of my development of boundaries. I like how Joanne explained all that. I don't jump every time someone says "jump" anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly in FL Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Ya know...I read portions of it a few years ago...and, have obviously forgotten parts of what I read. I'll get it, again, from the library. Thanks! ~Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly in FL Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Thanks for your story! Smiles!! ~Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Governess Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Check with your phone company. My phone company allows you to create a call block list with the numbers you want blocked, and turn the blocking feature on and off as you wish. You could turn it on when your school hours start and then turn it off after 3. Hopefully after a week or two she'll get the message that you're serious. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly in FL Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 We just switched phone companies and it does have that feature. However, there are a few glitches we are still working out with the change-over. When it's all in place...I will be using it. By the way, she will never get the message. It's been at least 2 years since I stopped answering the phone during school hours. She still calls. Ugh! Smiles! ~Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Governess Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 We just switched phone companies and it does have that feature. However, there are a few glitches we are still working out with the change-over. When it's all in place...I will be using it. By the way, she will never get the message. It's been at least 2 years since I stopped answering the phone during school hours. She still calls. Ugh! Smiles! ~Holly I'm sorry! I know what it's like to have a mother with boundary issues. Ugh is right. I'm so glad mine is 2 hours away. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vicki Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Could you schedule a daily call to her? Tell her you will call her every day at a certain time, before you start school or during lunch. Maybe she is lonely. You would still have to ignore any other calls, but maybe if she knew you going to be calling she wouldn't be so persistent. I know phone calls interupt our homeschooling day and that would aggravate me too, but what you are doing is not working. God bless, Vicki Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Could you schedule a daily call to her? Tell her you will call her every day at a certain time, before you start school or during lunch. Maybe she is lonely. You would still have to ignore any other calls, but maybe if she knew you going to be calling she wouldn't be so persistent. I know phone calls interupt our homeschooling day and that would aggravate me too, but what you are doing is not working. God bless, Vicki This doesn't sound like it would work. It sounds like the fact that there is a boundary at all is really troubling to the DM, and offering a substitute, though logical, doesn't really fix that. It's a tough situation, that's for sure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly in FL Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 No...it wouldn't work in this case. But, thanks for the suggestion. ~Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaLisa Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Could you schedule a daily call to her? Tell her you will call her every day at a certain time, before you start school or during lunch. Maybe she is lonely. You would still have to ignore any other calls, but maybe if she knew you going to be calling she wouldn't be so persistent. I know phone calls interupt our homeschooling day and that would aggravate me too, but what you are doing is not working. God bless, Vicki Holly, I think this is a great suggestion. I also like what EREK's mom had to say. My mom calls also during our school day. And my first impulse is to ignore, but, you know what? I usually pick it up, I listen and then say, "Okay, can I call you back at [ ] because we're right in the middle of Latin/math/history. I know *in theory* we could have strict boundaries and I could enforce it and be a meanie. :001_smile: BUT, 1) it's important for me to honor her and this is really a little thing to me in the scope of life (*if* she wasn't calling every hour) and 2) I'm going to be a mom one day and while I will really, really try to respect my dc's boundaries, I want to set a pattern now of showing them a good relationship between mom and adult child. BTW, I do let the answering machine pick up during Bible or if I'm in the middle of something that I just can't interrupt. But, then I call her back the next break I get. Because I know I'm going to have a break sometime before late afternoon. HTH, :grouphug: Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 It seems like some people understand the need to set these boundaries more so than others do. :) Some adults have more 'issues' with their parents than others, and some of us need to set much more rigid boundaries in order to protect ourselves (including our sanity) and our children. Some of us just need the space to breath, without feeling pressured to 'parent' our parents. No, our parents won't always be alive, yes we could just drop what we are doing at their beck and call and set that example for our children as some sort of 'honor'. I want to set the example for *my* children that at this time in my life *they* come first (barring emergencies). My mother probably IS lonely, and IMO that is *her* issue and I will absolutely not own it. She has the ability to get out and meet other people, she has tons of relatives living in her area that would be glad to have her visits/calls. I see no dishonor in setting a boundary as to what time of the day you will answer the phone. With *my* mother, if I give an inch she will run right over me with a 4x4. She does mean well, but that doesn't change the outcome of my feeling harassed. I do try to see things from her POV, I am not unkind. I just do not wish to be 'owned' by another adult. :) I have probably said way too much, but I felt the need to share my POV on this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly in FL Posted February 7, 2009 Author Share Posted February 7, 2009 Wow! Do we have the same mother? I could have written this post. Thanks for sharing! ~Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 Sorry, I am an only child. :) Just imagine! I was getting the vibes from your posts that the circumstances were very similar. Hang in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly in FL Posted February 7, 2009 Author Share Posted February 7, 2009 Thanks! Smiles... ~Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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