Here's a new one, I think... when a family member is deceased...

[BMW]

I married dh, whose wife passed away a few years ago from cancer.

 

I am going through filing boxes and there are still a lot of her things here.

 

Do we need her college loan payment receipts? Stuff like that. I took any certificates and a few poems that she wrote and her letter of acceptance by the college and stuck them aside in case her children want them. What would you do? Would you make a life memory box for her? Would you want to get rid of it? Dh seems neutral, but when asked he doesn't seem to want to let go and deal with making choices because it brings back painful memories. He's kind of an "out of sight/out of mind" guy with this. I have no bad feelings towards his previous wife, but I never knew her and I want to be sensitive to this.

 

But, what about their marriage certificate and stuff? What about her wedding keepsakes? We already put together a box for each of her children and put special things in each one, like her jewelry, keepsakes, etc.

 

And, would you put up a family portrait of your husband with his previous wife and children?? IF this was your case... IF you were in my shoes... would you find maybe a hallway wall or something not in the midst of your home to put something like that up, for the children who lost their mom?? I haven't been able to do that... It is hard for me, honestly, to see my husband with her! It's just kind of weird. Could you? Would you?

 

What would you want done with your things if you died and left behind your family? Where would you want your keepsakes? Your wedding momentos? I think I will tell my girls that they should keep whatever is sentimental to them and ask the boys if they'd like anything... and get rid of anything else...

 

Thanks for your thoughts, I keep wondering what other women would do in my place... (my mom says she wouldn't keep anything of another woman who was with her husband!! But, me thinks that would be insensitive to the boys whose mom is gone)

[Melinda in VT]

I haven't BTDT, but I think I would put all the wedding mementos in a sturdy box or plastic container, clearly labeled, and maybe give it to the oldest child? Either now or when they leave home.

 

I think it would be nice if each child had a framed family picture that included his or her mom, but I'd keep them in the kids' bedrooms.

[Serendipity]

I would keep everything. I'd put any cardboard boxes in plastic boxes and store them until her children are adults. I would let the children know I was doing this for them. I'd rather have her belongings on hand in case they would like to look at them when they are much older. You never know what is going to mean something to someone.

 

That's what I'd do.

 

Edited to add: I would dearly love to have some things back that I didn't think were important or didn't take care of when I was younger. Maybe someday one of the grandkids would like to know who she was...it's family stuff...that's why I would store them indefinitely.

Edited February 1, 2009 by Serendipity

[tibbyl]

The marriage certificate and death certificate should be filed along with other important family documents like birth certificates, social security cards, etc.

[Kathleen in VA]

Well, I really think someone who has actually dealt with this would have a much better answer than I could ever hope to. That said, a few things popped into my head as I was reading your post. First, you sound like a very kind and considerate person who really wants to do the sensitive caring thing.:) Not advice, really, just wanted to say that. Second, could you put the pictures of the children with their mom in their rooms somehow - on the walls? on little shelves attached to the walls? Or perhaps on the hallway wall near their room(s)?

 

As far as all her stuff goes. That is hard. I totally see your dilemma. Is there any place you can store it all until the boys are older and can decide what's important to them? My mom died about 15 years ago. I still have the church bulletins where her name is listed as being the organist, her paperwork from when she was a hospital volunteer, a paper she wrote in high school about wanting to be a veterinarian when she graduated, and a lot of other stuff that some might think of as "worthless." These things just hit me as being dear and worth saving - I can't really explain why. It may be best to let the children decide what they want to keep and depending on their present ages, perhaps it would be better to wait until they are at least older teens to bring it up.

[KristenS]

I would agree about keeping important documents like marriage certificates (that's the genealogist in me talking) and the death certificate (which he may need to prove benefits and things, at unexpected times).

 

Photos, yes. Old receipts, no. Poems, maybe. That'd be more your husband's call, I think.

 

I don't know that I'd be comfortable displaying things ... but I would want to have the special things accessible for the kids when they want them.

 

You're sweet to be doing this. :)

[Melissa B]

Aren't there any other relatives that could keep the boxes? My cousins' mother died when they were young. (I was only 6 months old.) Their mother's mother took all of those things and kept them for the kids. My aunt (their new mother) did not have things of my uncle's first wife up, but the kids saw their grandmother regularly and she kept pictures and things displayed. Other relatives would have done the same. If there isn't anyone else, I would box it all up, label it and store it away somewhere until the kids are grown.

[bkpan]

I agree with the advice to store pretty much everything that belonged to her. Pack it up in big, plastic boxes, stored permanently in the attic or similar, and give to her dc when they are grown. I would think they would be grateful for your sensitivity in this someday. I would probably put the wedding pictures with your dh in the same boxes. Individual pictures of their mom I would put in their rooms. HTH

 

Kim

[Parrothead]

The legal documents need to be filed. You never know when/if the kids might need them at a later date. Think passport and other identifying things.

 

The receipts of paid items can be trashed, or given to the executor of her estate to deal with. If that is your dh, I'd ask him to go through them in case something is important then dispose the rest.

 

Photos of her and her kids can be saved for the kids. I'd give each of them a small 4x6 in a frame (depending on age of the child). Anything else can be stored for the oldest (or most responsible) child to take away into adulthood.

 

If you have what it takes to do this for the kids, put her poetry in page protectors then the pages into a nice 3-ring binder type scrapbook. The same with any other things that you are wanting to save for the kids. Maybe even one for each kid.

 

The family portrait can go where ever you feel most comfortable. Then maybe a family portrait as the family is now in a more prominent place in your home.

[Tree House Academy]

I would put it all together and store it somewhere. I wouldn't even try to sort through it. Just pack it away, then store it out of the way or maybe even let your dh give it to her family (mother, sister, brother, etc).

 

As for a picture of MY husband up in MY house with his former spouse. Um, no. The line has to be drawn somewhere. I mean, I am divorced, and my ex is still alive, but I would surely never put a picture of older ds's dad and I up in my house for his sake. Now, he does have some early pictures of us in his room and that is fine. My dh is also fine with that. If the kids want a picture of their mother in the room where they sleep or what have you, then great. But not their mom and dad together out in the house.

 

My MIL remarried after my husband's dad died and she also does not have pictures of dh's dad around the house. She has them boxed up, and she gave a lot of them to my dh to put up in his man room in our house...but she does not keep them out in her house. That would be odd and very uncomfortable for her current husband, IMO.

[The Girls' Mom]

I've been through this from the child's perspective. My mother passed away 13 years ago. My step-dad (who was in all ways but biological my DAD) seemed to have kept EVERYTHING document wise. He passed away this past December and as I was going through HIS stuff, I was amazed at how much of my mom's 'paperwork' he still had.

 

I would say: Keep any legal certificates such as birth, death, marriage, etc. If she's been gone for more than 5 years, and all medical bills and taxes involving her have been settled, then there is no need to keep any reciepts or statements.

 

As far as pictures...it meant so much to me that a family photo of all of us was still on display at his house, even after he was in another relationship. It was reassuring to know that she was still an important part of his life. It was in a hallway, not really prominently displayed, but still there. And keeping a box for each child is a wonderful idea. Oh, and please keep ALL the photos and or videos of her, even if they are in a box in the back of a closet. I treasure each and every photo of my parents that I come across.

[unsinkable]

I married dh, whose wife passed away a few years ago from cancer.

 

I am going through filing boxes and there are still a lot of her things here.

 

Do we need her college loan payment receipts? Stuff like that. I took any certificates and a few poems that she wrote and her letter of acceptance by the college and stuck them aside in case her children want them. What would you do? Would you make a life memory box for her? Would you want to get rid of it? Dh seems neutral, but when asked he doesn't seem to want to let go and deal with making choices because it brings back painful memories. He's kind of an "out of sight/out of mind" guy with this. I have no bad feelings towards his previous wife, but I never knew her and I want to be sensitive to this.

 

But, what about their marriage certificate and stuff? What about her wedding keepsakes? We already put together a box for each of her children and put special things in each one, like her jewelry, keepsakes, etc.

 

And, would you put up a family portrait of your husband with his previous wife and children?? IF this was your case... IF you were in my shoes... would you find maybe a hallway wall or something not in the midst of your home to put something like that up, for the children who lost their mom?? I haven't been able to do that... It is hard for me, honestly, to see my husband with her! It's just kind of weird. Could you? Would you?

What would you want done with your things if you died and left behind your family? Where would you want your keepsakes? Your wedding momentos? I think I will tell my girls that they should keep whatever is sentimental to them and ask the boys if they'd like anything... and get rid of anything else...

 

Thanks for your thoughts, I keep wondering what other women would do in my place... (my mom says she wouldn't keep anything of another woman who was with her husband!! But, me thinks that would be insensitive to the boys whose mom is gone)

 

Your husband is who is today because of his relationship with her...the good, the bad, the ugly. Maybe if you keep this in mind, you'd feel better about displaying pics of them.

 

I wouldn't get rid of anything. It isn't yours to toss.

[Desert Rat]

This is what I was going to say. I'd put their family pictures up in their room(s). If I were in that situation, I think I would be okay with their mom's picture on the wall in their rooms. After all, she poses no threat to your relationship and it would be a wonderful gesture to show your stepkids that you're not intimidated by a memory.

[Hannah]

If the estate is wrapped up, I'd throw away any financial or other business papers.

 

If you're up to it, a life memory box for each child would be a wonderful gift. Could you just add to the keepsake boxes?

 

I was 18 when my mother passed on and my sisters were younger. My father threw away a huge amount of sentimental stuff that we now wish we had. I have a short letter, a recipe and a birthday card with my mom's handwriting on it. I treasure them. It gives me a small glimpse of her character - especially as an adult looking back.

 

As far as pictures go, I think a family portrait would be appropriate in the children's bedroom (that's where my sisters kept ours). It would also be really kind to give each of her children a copy of the portrait. Single pictures of their mother in the children's bedroom is also special.

 

I don't think it is necessary to have anything in the living areas. You are acknowledging the children's mother by putting it in their bedrooms, but your lives have also moved on together, so new pictures go in shared spaces.

[hsmom]

I would keep it all, box it up for them and let them (children) decide when they get older what they want and what to toss.

 

As for the picture. I would have the children have them in their rooms.

[BMW]

Thank you for the responses. I will work on keeping her things in a box. The children's boxes are full of things of hers and theirs from early childhood.

 

I am still struggling with the portrait because it is VERY big. Right now it is in the back of our closet. The boys' bedroom isn't big enough for it becasue there are multiple bunks until we move. When we move into a larger home, perhaps the boys can have it on their wall... but I am still not sure. I will, however, put smaller framed pictures in their room. The very least that I will do is wrap it in bubble wrap and put it carefully into a portrait/frame storage box (I've already purchased these and have them set aside).

 

I am also going to do scrapbooks for the boys with all of their family photos and events, etc. prior to our marriage and continuing on because each of my children have their own scrapbook photo album and my new sons want their own, too! And my children's albums have pictures of their first dad and now their second dad... so, the other boys will have their first mom and second mom... Whew, what an undertaking... That will happen after I do my special quilt and rag rugs this year...

 

Thanks for listening,

 

Bee

[kalanamak]

I agree with the advice to store pretty much everything that belonged to her. Pack it up in big, plastic boxes, stored permanently in the attic or similar, and give to her dc when they are grown. I would think they would be grateful for your sensitivity in this someday. I would probably put the wedding pictures with your dh in the same boxes. Individual pictures of their mom I would put in their rooms. HTH

 

Kim

 

Pretty much,:iagree:

 

Unless it is terribly bulky and you can't, I'd save everything and let the kids figure it out. If I lost my mommy, I would have been pouring over ever library ticket. Heck, I do that now, and I had her for 49 years.

[RoughCollie]

I would keep everything for the children to have when they are adults, or to look through from now until then, as the desire.

 

I would frame pictures of their family and of their mother to put in their bedrooms, should the children want those to be displayed. I would give them this option periodically.

[Hannah]

I am still struggling with the portrait because it is VERY big.

 

That puts a bit of a different angle on it. Is it the only copy of the photograph? If there are others, I'd get rid of the huge one. Another option might be to have smaller copies of the photograph made. Or offer it to the grandparents?

 

I am also going to do scrapbooks for the boys with all of their family photos and events, etc. prior to our marriage and continuing on

 

Wow!! That is incredibly generous of you. You sound like a loving, caring and incredible 2nd mom.

[hsmom]

Store the larger picture and put up the smaller ones.

[Ria]

Bee, I have a friend in the same position. She married her dh when she was around 45; it was her first marriage (although she had adopted two children while doing missionary work overseas), and his second (his wife died of cancer years ago; they had three children, all adults now). Anyway, my friend says that her dh cannot go through his wife's stuff, either. He just can't. She feels very strongly that it is not her place to do it because she doesn't want to be disrespectful and throw something away that means something special to her dh or the children.

 

My advice to you would be to do what my friend has done - get a large plastic bin and put all the stuff there. Label the box, and put it out of sight and out of mind. That's a part of dh's life that you can't really share, kwim? He might go through the box someday, or he might not.

 

Ria

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

All I can tell you is that my 76yo dad, who lost his mom when he was 6, has a picture of her and her kids displayed proudly in his home office.

[Danestress]

and I would get rid of *nothing* that belonged to her. My husband had gotten rid of her clothes before we married. I probably wouldn't want to keep her clothes in my closet:) But I have (and actually still use) cookware that belonged to her. I put some of her ornaments on the tree every year - I used to always let my/her/our son do that. We don't have photos out of her because DH found it was too emotional for DS when he was young, but I have about a million photos of her in boxes.

 

I think that there is a list of people who might consider going through her things and getting rid of them, but you are pretty much at the bottom of that list. I think you should pack up her things and store them somewhere - even if storage space is pretty tight. Just do it.

 

DH could weed through things and probably should. But if he won't or doesn't, store them until her children are grown and can do it themselves. Or let him have her mother over to help him with that job if she had a Mom who would want to.

 

YOu don't really know what memories might be connected with certain items. I did ship some things to her oldest child who had a different father than DH. I think we may still have some of her belongings in the attic, but not a lot. But I never wanted anyone to say that I just threw her things out.

 

Edited to add that I probably wouldn't put of family photos that have her instead of me in the living room. But I would frame them and hang them in the bedrooms of her children if they wanted that. Like I said, it was just too much for DS. I adopted him when he was five and raised him, but that trauma ran very deep. I certainly would keep them for her children, though. And I think your mother's attitude is difficult for me to understand. I think one is *that* adverse to thinking of another woman with one's husband, one shouldn't marry a widow - which I assume your Mom didn't. It's just a reality that my husband had another wife. She died way too young and suffered horribly, and I just can't imagine being jealous or uncomfortable with someone else having "been" with DH. He did actually have a child with her!

Edited February 2, 2009 by Danestress

[Kari C in SC]

I can tell you what has happened with my brother-in-law's family. His wife was killed just over 5 years ago and left behind 6 kids. It was a tragic death and extremely hard on everyone. Not that any death isn't, but this was so unexpected. Her kids ranged in age from just 5 up to 14. My bil married a little over a year after her death. The house remained the same until just this past year. My sister-in-law as a homeschooling mom and her family and home were her life. She left her mark on her home with handmade decorating, tons of family photos, etc. He left it the same. His new wife left it the same. They did build a large addition including a new master bedroom because his new wife brought with her 3 more children. In the addition, is a family room, office and master. They are all one wing and that was decorated by his new wife. Although, he has pictures of his late wife in his office that is in the new wing. This past year approaching the 5 year anniversary of her death, he painted the kitchen, dining room and living room. That was very hard for him. She had hand written a poem about not worrying about cleaning because she was spending time with her kids. It led up the stair way with little tiny handprints by it. It was so her. I had to really take some deep breaths when the wallpaper border in the kitchen came down. I remembered picking it out with her online late one night. It was expensive, but we knew it was the ONE. His new wife was excited to show me the newly painted kitchen and I was really happy for her, but I had to run to the bathroom to hold back my tears. It was just so hard. Now he has a mix of pictures of his family before and after. My brother-in-law if very sentimental. He saves everything. His late wife scrapbooked and have nearly 30 books put together. If I were you I would SAVE all paperwork. I still sit and look at past Christmas cards and letters my sil wrote to me and they are a treasure. Just seeing her handwriting helps me remember her. I can't imagine how hard it is to be you, but I know from my experience that children need everthing they can have to remember their mom. My niece is 18 now and having an awful time. She just missed her mom so much. God bless you for caring about your step children. It is not an easy thing.

[Kari C in SC]

As for a picture of MY husband up in MY house with his former spouse. Um, no. The line has to be drawn somewhere. I mean, I am divorced, and my ex is still alive, but I would surely never put a picture of older ds's dad and I up in my house for his sake. Now, he does have some early pictures of us in his room and that is fine. My dh is also fine with that. If the kids want a picture of their mother in the room where they sleep or what have you, then great. But not their mom and dad together out in the house.

 

 

I really don't think being a family with divorce is nearly the same as having a parent die. They didn't choose to change their family, it just happened. It may be hard to see the way the family was, but I think it is very important for the kids. I live next door to my nieces and nephews. They miss their mom so stinking much and I think it helps that they get to see her in their home. That really isn't just their room. I think sometimes it is more important to think of the kids then to think of your own comfort. My "new" sister-in-law is AMAZING about this. She really understands the need to have family pictures around for everyone. My niece was just 5 years old when she WATCHED her mom die from a brutal attack. She needs good memories to help tame the horrible ones. JMHO.

 

ETA: This sounded a bit snarky. I don't meant it that way at all. I just see what it is like for these kids on a daily basis. Photos really do help them quite a bit.

Edited February 2, 2009 by Kari C in SC

[PiCO]

I say save everything that might be of any interest to the children in the future. Just box it up and stick it somewhere, let the kids know you saved it. They can go through it when they are ready.

 

As for pictures, just mix them in with your family pictures. It's not like you have to worry about your dh going back to his first wife. But as someone else said, she's a part of who your husband is now.

[PiCO]

As for a picture of MY husband up in MY house with his former spouse. Um, no. The line has to be drawn somewhere. I mean, I am divorced, and my ex is still alive, but I would surely never put a picture of older ds's dad and I up in my house for his sake. Now, he does have some early pictures of us in his room and that is fine. My dh is also fine with that. If the kids want a picture of their mother in the room where they sleep or what have you, then great. But not their mom and dad together out in the house.

 

 

If it's a divorce situation, the children have the other parent on a part-time basis, in real life. If the parent is dead, the child does not have the parent any more. I think it's important to have pictures out around the house for the children.

 

I understand not wanting pictures of an X out around the house, but not permitting pictures of a deceased parent would be cruel imo.

[*LC]

I'm also a widow, and I'm keeping everything for my kids. I want them to know their dad as a man when they are older. The paper he created and stories are the only way they will know him. He sent a lot of e-mail, and all of his sent mail is on his computer. I will print that out for the kids to have. When I give these things to the kids, I will tell them the stories that go along with some of it. (Plus, I enjoy looking through his stuff and remembering better times.)

 

I also suggest you keep everything in plastic boxes for the kids to go through when they are ready.

 

In terms of the big picture, I would want it somewhere. We don't have a big family photo, though I wish we did. We have a large photo of my husband, his father and our oldest son at age two, because they all have the same name. I will always want that picture up in our house no matter what the future brings. Is the big picture up now? I think a hallway would be appropriate for it. All my kids have 5x7 pictures of themselves with their dad in their rooms.

 

The scrapbooks sound great.

 

LC

[Hannah]

So my mom and I bought up every last thing we could, and when my friend got her own place, we started giving it all back to her for birthdays, Christmases, etc.

 

I am in tears - you did the most beautiful, thoughtful thing possible for your friend!

[SonshineLearner]

As someone that moved into my husband's house, I moved the picture that he still had up of his wife and him and their children, into his kid's room. I'd ask them about it. How about if we put this in your room? Which wall? I think that's kinda just fair to them. If they don't want it in their room, ask them if they'd like it in their closet...with a few things to think about her in it....Kinda like a little memorial. A long time ago, I nannied for a family whose dad had died of cancer. They had little pics of them with their mom and dad. Just because she eventually married again, didn't mean that their original family was "gone".

I would save poems, and anything tangible that will mean something. Be sure to put something in the box to keep the moisture out.

With my husband and his ex...it's kinda weird. Like one time when she needed a social security number...and I had to look in "their" old tax files....(like 10 years ago, files!)

But, she's a part of their lives...and unlike me...you just deal with her ghost...and not her everyday presence.

And, hopefully it's easier, since she didn't choose to divorce her family....

You sound thoughtful! Good for you and your family. They will appreciate this even more when they grow up! ( I constantly tell myself this one, about all my children!)

Carrie:-)

[Halftime Hope]

She wept when she realized what we had done, and that she still had these things that had belonged to her mother.

 

Oh, bless your hearts! What a sweet and thoughtful thing to do for your friend! How your kindness must have comforted that deep hurt! I can imagine what it must have felt like to her to look forward to each milestone, knowing the love that it represented from you all and from reconnecting with the precious memories of her mom. :Angel_anim:

 

Going to get another kleenex!

[unsinkable]

I can tell you what has happened with my brother-in-law's family. His wife was killed just over 5 years ago and left behind 6 kids. It was a tragic death and extremely hard on everyone. Not that any death isn't, but this was so unexpected. Her kids ranged in age from just 5 up to 14. My bil married a little over a year after her death. The house remained the same until just this past year. My sister-in-law as a homeschooling mom and her family and home were her life. She left her mark on her home with handmade decorating, tons of family photos, etc. He left it the same. His new wife left it the same. They did build a large addition including a new master bedroom because his new wife brought with her 3 more children. In the addition, is a family room, office and master. They are all one wing and that was decorated by his new wife. Although, he has pictures of his late wife in his office that is in the new wing. This past year approaching the 5 year anniversary of her death, he painted the kitchen, dining room and living room. That was very hard for him. She had hand written a poem about not worrying about cleaning because she was spending time with her kids. It led up the stair way with little tiny handprints by it. It was so her. I had to really take some deep breaths when the wallpaper border in the kitchen came down. I remembered picking it out with her online late one night. It was expensive, but we knew it was the ONE. His new wife was excited to show me the newly painted kitchen and I was really happy for her, but I had to run to the bathroom to hold back my tears. It was just so hard. Now he has a mix of pictures of his family before and after. My brother-in-law if very sentimental. He saves everything. His late wife scrapbooked and have nearly 30 books put together. If I were you I would SAVE all paperwork. I still sit and look at past Christmas cards and letters my sil wrote to me and they are a treasure. Just seeing her handwriting helps me remember her. I can't imagine how hard it is to be you, but I know from my experience that children need everthing they can have to remember their mom. My niece is 18 now and having an awful time. She just missed her mom so much. God bless you for caring about your step children. It is not an easy thing.

 

What a sad story. It sounds like everyone did their best with a truly heartbreaking situation.

 

:grouphug:

[lovemytea]

Were they married at the time of her death? If they were, I'd let him decide what to do. If I were the child, I'd want all of my mom's things. You can always put them in plastic bins in the attic and let the dc have them when they move out.

 

So far as a picture of the two of them, I would keep the pictures in the kids' rooms. I'm divorced from my son's father and my husband and I had no problem with him keeping a picture of me and his father in his room. In fact, we supported that because he is still his father.

[StaceyinLA]

I would definitely keep a good bit of stuff, even if it seemed unimportant to me, for the kids. Receipts, no. I wouldn't even keep MY college loan payment receipts (if I had any). The legal docs do need to be on hand because they may be something the kids need one day. It seems odd, but it could come up.

I'd pack some clear, plastic boxes and label them for the kids and store them.

 

As far as pictures, I don't know about entire family photos (I might box them with the papers for later), but I would definitely have photos of the mom in each child's room (perhaps a picture of her with each individual child, framed on their dresser or nightstand). To me, that would be VERY important if I were to pass away.

[AnnetteB]

I am thinking that I would display the photo and save most of the things for the children to look through when they are older. There is no way to know what item might be special to them. I'm struggling with how to word this sentiment: His love and loss of her will certainly have shaped his love for you. He may be the wonderful husband he is because of her. And her dear children are your dear children now. I would hope to be able to look upon her as a friend or sister? I don't know if that makes sense. I would hope that I could assure the children of her lasting love. I guess that I would not want my own image put away if I should die before my children were grown.

[kim973]

If I were the new wife, I wouldn’t want to be the one that threw away her things. Sorting and choosing what to keep should be your husband and/or kids job. For now, I would keep everything, boxed away. After I lost my mother, I wanted to look at EVERYTHING from her past, only to find out that my dad had thrown away many items. As one of the children, I think I might feel resentful if I knew you threw away my mother’s things.

 

As for the picture, I agree to put it in the kid’s rooms. If there was just a pic of her and the kids, I wouldn’t mind displaying that.

 

I don’t know how recent the death was, but I can personally tell you that it sometimes takes several years to be able to actually look at things without feeling a lot of pain.