Tap Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 (edited) I have a friend who made some very silly financial decisions for years. I tried to encourage spending less...way back when, but they didn't listen. Huge cc debt, 2nd mortgage, and now dh has lost his job. None of it is medical bill or unavoidable debt. It was all frivolous. They are holding their family of 5 together, but job prospects haven't panned out yet and since it is a specialized medical field, prospects are limited. I want to encourage them, but at the same time say "suck it up. You spent, you wasted, and you now get to pay the real price, when you can least afford it. Then my nice-shoulder-angel says....be nice, be supportive, be a friend. (of course no-one expects to loose their job, but they never tried to position themselves so that if it happened that they could pay bills still). What can i say or do to be supportive? My appologies in advance if this strikes too close to home for some here, I don't mean any offence. Edited January 30, 2009 by Tap, tap, tap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I think simple things are best. "I'm sorry this has happened to you. I know that this is a hard time for you." that kind of thing. Even though you want to get them to admit some responsibility for their financial choices, I don't think you can somehow "make" them do that. And you may want them to make better financial choices to get through this, but you can't make them do that either. If they ask for advice that is another thing. Then you can refer them to books, give them frugal living tips etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Against my parents-in-law, who are now penniless (and reliant on their children) following some very bad decisions (cruises, diamond watches). In the end, the only thing to say, as Jean suggested, was 'I'm sorry for your trouble.' If you offer sympathy, they might just come back to you for sensible ideas as to how to deal with their finances in the future. Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paisley Hedgehog Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sojourner Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I agree with those who say you will not change them, just pray this is a wake-up call for them. Be supportive and have materials ready if they do ask for real advice or solutions. This is the area that frustrates me with my family members. I think that the whole thing is so obvious and easy to fix if they would just.... But then, we all have a weak area we struggle with over and over. I myself would be much thinner and in better health if I only exercised regularly and ate healthier. So simple and easy, yet so hard to do. SIGH! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 When my ds was little, a friend of mine would tell my son, if he was doing something that could hurt him, "When you fall and hurt yourself, it'll be so sad, but I'll be here to hug you and give you a bandaid." People make poor choices (hubby and I are do really poorly financially). You don't have to advocate it to simply be a shoulder when it comes tumbling down. But good friends are there for one another. I have a friend who is a therapist (and I've worked with some of her clients as a parenting coach). We don't take advantage of one another, but when there is a good reason, we'll help each other out more professionally than as friends. For example, her ds has some issues as does her parenting. So I helped her a bit. The other day, my daughter and I were almost killed (literally) and I needed 5 minutes of therapy 2 days later. Such is life. Anyway, so things happen. I would be positive and encouraging. She knows, I'm positive, that you tried to get her to make better choices. She TRUSTS you as a friend not to throw it in her face. You must be a good friend and person :) So kiss her boo-boos and support her in this trying time. Hopefully she makes better choices next time. It's good practice for when your own kids leave the nest and make their own, sometimes not great, choices :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Thanks everyone, I agree that I need to focus on being a soft-place-to-land friend, but sometimes it just gets sooooo frustrating! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Thanks everyone, I agree that I need to focus on being a soft-place-to-land friend, but sometimes it just gets sooooo frustrating! I completely understand. I have a friend who married not one, but two men (not at the same time) who everyone told her were not good men. The first man cheated and spent all their money, the second one cheated and is addicted to drugs--these were things she knew about before she married them but convinced herself she'd change them. She wanted so badly to be a wife and mother that she ignored wise counsel and did what she wanted and now she has 3 boys with no father in the picture at all, gets no child support (not sure all the details on that issue) and has to work 2 jobs to support her kids. It's hard to watch because the life she created for herself is not the life she wanted. Anyway, when she vents about how hard her life is (and it is) it is sometimes hard not to point out that her life is what she made it. But, I just try to sympathize to specific difficulties and not the things that got her there. "Yes, I can imagine 3 small boys are a handful!" "I know you have to be very tired at the end of the day." are the sorts of things I say to her, even though sometimes I shake my head to myself and think, "You were warned! People who love you tried to spare you and you wouldn't listen!" It IS frustrating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erica in PA Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I have a friend who made some very silly financial decisions for years. I tried to encourage spending less...way back when, but they didn't listen. Huge cc debt, 2nd mortgage, and now dh has lost his job. None of it is medical bill or unavoidable debt. It was all frivolous. They are holding their family of 5 together, but job prospects haven't panned out yet and since it is a specialized medical field, prospects are limited. I want to encourage them, but at the same time say "suck it up. You spent, you wasted, and you now get to pay the real price, when you can least afford it. Then my nice-shoulder-angel says....be nice, be supportive, be a friend. (of course no-one expects to loose their job, but they never tried to position themselves so that if it happened that they could pay bills still). What can i say or do to be supportive? My appologies in advance if this strikes too close to home for some here, I don't mean any offence. Maybe it will help you to remember that they are already paying the price for their mistakes. The regret and worry and stress they feel now could be worse than you might realize. Hopefully that will help you to have compassion, even though you recognize that the situation is largely their own doing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OH_Homeschooler Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I know it's frustrating, but it's in the past. They are already suffering for the mistakes they made, and it's probably hard for them to face you because they know how you felt before. It's not your place to feel frustrated at this point. You did what you could when you could. It's out of your hands. As others have said, just be there, be supportive. At the most without seeming smug, you can probably offer to sit down with them and plan some strategies for the future, but consider that a gift of your time with no strings attached. That way, you will not take it personally if they fail to follow through on following the plan you help them set up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lacie Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 My in-laws are in a bad position as well. It really has nothing to do with the economy, just their own choices. It is hard sometimes to say nothing when they complain about not having the money to pay their bills, but they still buy stuff on credit. I don't know what to tell you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 It is hard not to get frustrated; we have friends in this position as well. Sometimes it takes a dose of reality to really make the warning stick with some people, and now they know why so many people warned them. Listen to the whining and complaining, and be there to give your friends a hug. One thing my father always told me was 'before you get frustrated think about how you would feel if it were you and someone turned away.' That little phrase has deepened many a friendship through troubled times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I have a friend who made some very silly financial decisions for years. I tried to encourage spending less...way back when, but they didn't listen. Huge cc debt, 2nd mortgage, and now dh has lost his job. None of it is medical bill or unavoidable debt. It was all frivolous. They are holding their family of 5 together, but job prospects haven't panned out yet and since it is a specialized medical field, prospects are limited. I want to encourage them, but at the same time say "suck it up. You spent, you wasted, and you now get to pay the real price, when you can least afford it. Then my nice-shoulder-angel says....be nice, be supportive, be a friend. (of course no-one expects to loose their job, but they never tried to position themselves so that if it happened that they could pay bills still). What can i say or do to be supportive? My appologies in advance if this strikes too close to home for some here, I don't mean any offence. What are they doing now, financially? Are they being sensible and trying in reasonable ways to get back on their feet, or are they wallowing in self-pity and applying for another mortgage? Maybe planning a vacation on credit to deal with the stress? If they are being sensible, I would take everyone else's advise. If they are still being financially silly, I would take advise from the "bad" angel on your shoulder. They need to take responsibility for their actions, for the sake of their children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 For me the best thing is always, "There but for the grace of God go I." Maybe they're making mistakes that I know not to make but a) I'm blessed to know better & b) there are plenty of areas where I make my own embarrassing mistakes. I think it's particularly awful when you do something so big, so wrong & it's in an area that everybody can see. Even worse when it visibly, undeniably hurts your children. There will be *plenty* of folks available for judgment, whether they deserve it or not, in fact. I know it can be hard not to smack someone when you see them shooting themselves in the foot, but then I try to remember all the times people were sweet & didn't smack me. I did enough of it to myself while I was picking up the pieces. People who kneel down beside you & help you pick up are the dearest, truest friends. GL. Your tongue may be in for some awfully hard biting in the days to come. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K-FL Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Being in your friends place, I suggest you just be a friend. My sister is one that can't understand why everyone didn't make the frugal decisions they did. She's like the person that never gains weight & doesn't understand why you have to watch what you eat. I imagine your friends don't expect you to have the answers, but to just give them a shoulder to cry on. It's like we women do to men all the time--"Don't tell me how to fix it, just let me whine!" :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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