Sarah CB Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 My little sister is pregnant. This should be a good thing except that she's been kind of an idiot for the last ten years. It's like she decided to be a teen through all of her twenties. She turns 30 in the summer. Two years ago she got pg and terminated the baby. I am pro-life and had really prayed that she would keep the baby or at the very least give the baby the opportunity to be adopted. Her reasoning didn't mesh with anything I could wrap my head around - it centered around not wanting people to see that she was pg and unmarried and the fact that it would be a huge inconvenience to her at that time. So, she called me this morning to tell me that she's pg. I asked whether this was something we could be happy about and she said yes so I congratulated her and shared some of her excitement. I don't want to be a downer here, I really don't. But...nothing has changed in the last two years. I can't imagine her having a baby and making sacrifices that inconvenience or embarress her (like breastfeeding). And it's really none of my business - I know that! But when I think about her being pg I end up feeling angry because she recently spent $10,000 on her breast implants and even is she's able to breastfeed with all of the other stuff that's in her breasts I don't think she'd bother or risk getting droopy. And that makes me mad...which is dumb; because it's none of my business. And I worry about whether she's able to put other people first so that she can make a relationship last. Her and her boyfriend have only been together about 5 months. They plan to get married after they have the baby. Which is great - I'm so glad that they're taking things seriously. And then everyone else (his parents, my parents) is really happy and I feel like I'm the only one with reservations here. So, I want to support and love my sister and offer her any encouragement that I can. I want to stop thinking that she's an idiot. I want to be genuinely happy for her even when she makes decisions that I don't agree with. For the record - I don't think it's fantastic that she's pg after only being with this guy for 5 months and I'm having a hard time being entirely cheerful about all of this. I don't think it's fantastic that they're both forced into taking the next step before really committing to the idea of a shared lifetime together. But, I do think it's great that they're talking about marriage now and I really pray that things will work out positively for them and for this baby. How do I let go of my own issues and be a supportive sister? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 :grouphug: This sounds like a tough situation. My only advice is to turn to God and put everything in His hands. Sometimes we can't change situations or people, we can only change ourselves. And I know when I get to that point, I need God's help. Best wishes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 That's a difficult situation. I totally understand how you are feeling and would share your feelings entirely. The only thing you can do is support her as best you can. Put aside your feelings when you are around her. Act happy for her. Encourage her. Pray for her. And hope for the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I'm sorry...is this your sister...or MINE you are talking about??? BTDT. It gets easier. I promise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I don't know how to make you be more supportive of her, but as the sister who had children after barely knowing a guy etc, I know what it felt like to have my sister(and the rest of the family) judge me. It wasn't until she had her first that we have started to build a relationship because the little bit we had before was destroyed by her judgements of me. Now I have always done what was best for my kids, and she does what she feels is best for my nephew, however we are on opposite sides of the spectrum, like your sis she has bottlefed since birth to avoid saggy books, I bf, I co-sleep her baby sleeps in his crib in another room, she practices CIO I think it is a terrible thing to do, I used jarred baby food she makes hers from scratch, She circ's I don't etc. The list goes on and on, however we have both learned to continue doing what we think is best for our own children and keep our mouths shut unless the other asks for advice. We will never see eye to eye when it comes to parenting, but the one thing that she has finally admitted, is that I love my children with every ounce in me, and regardless of how they came into the world, and her feelings on that, there is no denying it. She also loves them dearly and would never let how they came into the world impact her relationship with them. So basically what I am saying is keep all your judgements etc to yourself. No matter what the situation is that has created this child, in the end this will be your neice or nephew and I am sure you will love him or her very much so focus on that rather than on everything you feel your sister is doing wrong. Be excited for her, cheer for the milestones with her, and let her figure out how to be a mom without you making her feel like crap along the way. I am sure she is not happy about the way thing happened, but the fact that she is excited this time around to be expecting is a good sign that she will do what she feels is best for her baby, even if that means she bottlefeeds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne in ABQ Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 On more than one occasion, I've seen motherhood change whiny, ditsy, selfish, "children" into mature, responsible, adult parents. Your sister is old enough to have a baby. She really is! Hang in there, Sis. She may surprise you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 You know, as she has the baby and holds him or her, this is when she will most need your help. Spoken or Unspoken...she will likely go through some grief. When I had my daughter, I was single, it was the turning point in me living with purpose. I tried for good choices after this...and my life is good. I wish this for your sister, too. Carrie:-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 On more than one occasion, I've seen motherhood change whiny, ditsy, selfish, "children" into mature, responsible, adult parents. Your sister is old enough to have a baby. She really is! Hang in there, Sis. She may surprise you! OMG!!(and that is Oh My Grapefruit!) I think you are talking about me!! I thought we weren't suppose to say mean things about each other!! I have changed!! I was never that horrible whiny, selfish, don't even like kids lush!!;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth in OH Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 :Sometimes we can't change situations or people, we can only change ourselves. And I know when I get to that point, I need God's help. Beautifully said! Beth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keptwoman Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 OMG!!(and that is Oh My Grapefruit!) I think you are talking about me!! I thought we weren't suppose to say mean things about each other!! I have changed!! I was never that horrible whiny, selfish, don't even like kids lush!!;) LOL you are describing me! And my boyfriend and I had only been together a month. We have been together now for 15 years and married for 12 years. So while I understand your reaction because I got a similar one from pretty much anyone who knew me. Give your sister a chance. She just might surprise you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sojourner Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 How do I let go of my own issues and be a supportive sister? I don't think you have to let go of your issues or concerns or reservations to be supportive. You can use the areas of concern you have as prompts for prayer for her and baby and yourself. You can vent to God/husband/here when you need. And when you speak or meet with your sister you can encourage and support her as you feel comfortable to help her make good decisions or care for the baby. Just know you cannot change her but you can give gentle advice when asked and watch for opportunities to give loving guidance. Keep the baby forefront in your mind and do what you can as Auntie to provide what his Mama is unable or unwilling to give. Hope this encourages you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I have walked this road with someone who is close to me. It is truly very hard. In my case, this person's children did steady her in many ways. I can honestly say she is a good mother and has learned financial responsibility even as I cringe because she continues to make rotten choices in romance. For me, it would be impossible to be happy for your sister, happy for these choices. However, you can choose to celebrate the growing, precious new person who will be born into your life because EVERY baby is precious and worth celebrating. Just keep your mouth shut about your sister's choices and focus on loving her innocent child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemytea Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 My sister, at 16, got pregnant, then aborted it. A few months later, she got pregnant again. This time she decided to keep it. My parents never knew about the abortion. They supported her when she got pregnant (2nd time) and we all surrounded her with love. She made mistakes. I make them, too. It wasn't fair for me to judge her. BTW, it took her a long, long time to grow up. At 43, she finally has. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in Jax Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 (edited) On more than one occasion, I've seen motherhood change whiny, ditsy, selfish, "children" into mature, responsible, adult parents. Your sister is old enough to have a baby. She really is! Hang in there, Sis. She may surprise you! Hopefully, motherhood will be the catalyst for maturity. When she's forced to grow up, she just may. ;-) That said, I completely understand your frustration. We have family members who had kids when they were not financially or emotionally ready for them (homeless, often jobless, unmarried, no plans...). Dh and I have tried for 10 years to have another baby, and we're both financially and emotionally stable, and it was REALLY hard to be happy for the family members' multiple babies when they were handling their lives in such a slipshod manner. Overall, though, the birth of the babies made one very irresponsible family member step up to the plate and get serious about his future and his life. It took a while, but he accepted the responsibilities and is raising two great kids as a single dad. He's trying hard, and he's come a long way. Perhaps your sister has a similar reaction to parenthood. Hugs, Lisa Edited January 30, 2009 by Lisa in Jax typo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 So, I want to support and love my sister and offer her any encouragement that I can. I want to stop thinking that she's an idiot. I want to be genuinely happy for her even when she makes decisions that I don't agree with. How do I let go of my own issues and be a supportive sister? Just in case you find it impossible to "be genuinely happy for her", try being supportive even if you do still have a hold of your own issues. I consider that a "better" or more mature thing than having the ability to let go of one's own issues. I'm sure my tone isn't coming through on this....I don't mean to be snarky at all. Just that one can be helpful and encouraging in the face of a problem that isn't going away. Also, sometimes a baby makes one or the other parent "grow up". It is very sad when it doesn't, and I don't advise it as a method of growing up, but sometimes it does happen.... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah CB Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Reading all of these replies has been humbling. If anyone should know that having a baby can change someone it should be me. I've been hanging on to the "but I was *way* younger than she is now" thing - as if just because she hasn't gotten a clue yet means she somehow won't be able to at all. Thank you all very much for your replies. You've given me a lot to think and pray about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest janainaz Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 That's not easy, to say the least. A child can change things and really grow some women (couples) up. I would pray for that to take place in her heart. On the other hand, sometimes you still see that same immaturity and selfishness and it's difficult to watch and witness. For right now, I'd try to be positive and encouraging to her and let her feel your love and well-wishes for her. You can possibly have a great impact in her life if you keep her close to your heart. My niece wanted to have a baby and be married at 19. So, she did exactly that and although she and her husband struggle financially (we do too at times) - she has turned out to be a great mother and her entire heart and being is wrapped up in her son. Only time will tell! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy or boast, love is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. You're her sister, you love her. Forget the idiocies of yesterday; hope for, trust in, protect and love your sister. I was looking at I Corinthians 13 this week, ostenibly for my son. Instead, I realized it was for me. I forget what love is, I forget how to behave. This isn't to be snooty or mightier than thou, it's because I recently forgot; I figured a reminder, before you have a chance to forget, could be helpful. And now these three remain; faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Do you know all the circumstances about the previous pregnancy? For her she may have had issues that prevented her seeing any other option than to abort. What she told you may not have been everything. It was her decision and since she and the father aren't together any more maybe she made the right choice for her at that time. Aborting probably wasn't the best choice, but the right choice for her. I'm wondering why you are so upset about the possibility that she can't or won't breastfeed. Several generations of children not only survived, but thrived by being bottle fed. If bottlefeeding is so very terrible they wouldn't make formula anymore. Some women naturally are unable to breastfeed. It isn't the end of the baby's world if he/she gets a bottle. One way to be supportive is to help her research the best bottles/nipples for bottle feeding if that is the way she decides to go. Since she and the father have decided to commit to a relationship - even if marriage comes after the baby, shows a bit of maturity. Be supportive by letting your sister know that if hormones start raging she can come to you instead of scaring the man away. Be supportive by letting her know that you are willing to help investigate car seats, cribs, and anything else she may need help with. If she and her man decide to do this for themselves, be supportive by trowing a baby shower to help with the expenses incurred by having the baby. And keep your opinions about what kind of mother she is going to be to yourself. Only time will tell. She may end up being the best mother in the world. Past mistakes are learning experiences. Sounds like she has learned a lot. Give her a chance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CookieMonster Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 How do I let go of my own issues and be a supportive sister? Forget that she is your sister. Pretend she is someone you just met on the street. Go forward from there. This is what I've done with my sister and it has really helped. It helped me to see my selfish actions for what they were. It helped me to see where I was trying to be controlling. It helped me to see where I was being disrespectful. It helped me to develop compassion, concern, and love for my sister as an independent person. Cuz, see, if I met someone on the street in the same situation as my sister, I would listen, give advice only when asked, genuinely care for their welfare, offer support when asked, respect their autonomy, and believe that in time they will grow and mature. But, when it came to my sister, there were too many emotional ties that blinded my eyes and shortened my arm. Maybe this is where you are. Maybe looking at things this way will help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah CB Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Love is patient, love is kind.Love does not envy or boast, love is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. You're her sister, you love her. Forget the idiocies of yesterday; hope for, trust in, protect and love your sister. I was looking at I Corinthians 13 this week, ostenibly for my son. Instead, I realized it was for me. I forget what love is, I forget how to behave. This isn't to be snooty or mightier than thou, it's because I recently forgot; I figured a reminder, before you have a chance to forget, could be helpful. And now these three remain; faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. Thank you. I think I'll go stick those verses above my kitchen sink. I do love her and I really need to let go of past wrongs. It's funny, I've loved her through all of her flip-flopping around during the last ten years. She discovers a new "career idea" ever six months so our conversations usually go something like this, "Wow! I never knew you wanted to be a Chinese acupuncturist...very cool." And then six months later, "I think you'd make a *fantastic* broadcast journalist!" And then six months later, "I definitely think you could write a novel - you go kick butt in your creative writing class!" Or this one, "I'll sure miss you while you're in Taiwan, but I'm glad you'll be so happy working with children." Not to mention the relationships... It was always slightly amusing - mostly because it never hurt anyone. I really want this to work for her - both the relationship and the motherhood thing. I also want to love her and be excited (without reservation) and make sure I'm not the critical older sister who thinks she can't do anything. She's intelligent and funny and she deserves my celebration; not my condemnation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah CB Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Hopefully, motherhood will be the catalyst for maturity. When she's forced to grow up, she just may. ;-) That said, I completely understand your frustration. We have family members who had kids when they were not financially or emotionally ready for them (homeless, often jobless, unmarried, no plans...). Dh and I have tried for 10 years to have another baby, and we're both financially and emotionally stable, and it was REALLY hard to be happy for the family members' multiple babies when they were handling their lives in such a slipshod manner. Overall, though, the birth of the babies made one very irresponsible family member step up to the plate and get serious about his future and his life. It took a while, but he accepted the responsibilities and is raising two great kids as a single dad. He's trying hard, and he's come a long way. Perhaps your sister has a similar reaction to parenthood. Hugs, Lisa I do, too - I lived through it myself. I feel a little like the guy with the log in his eye who is pointing out the speck in someone else's eye. I was nowhere even close to ready for my first child so I should understand better than anyone that readiness has little or no bearing on the quality of mothering. A look in the mirror should be more than enough of a reminder to have faith in my sister's ability to raise a child. I didn't really get that until I started reading through the responses here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 It's really hard sometimes to be happy for someone. I had a hard time being happy for 20 year old niece with the loser "boyfriend" who got preg but I just decided to support her as a mother and be there for whatever it is she needed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah CB Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Forget that she is your sister. Pretend she is someone you just met on the street. Go forward from there. Cuz, see, if I met someone on the street in the same situation as my sister, I would listen, give advice only when asked, genuinely care for their welfare, offer support when asked, respect their autonomy, and believe that in time they will grow and mature. But, when it came to my sister, there were too many emotional ties that blinded my eyes and shortened my arm. Maybe this is where you are. Maybe looking at things this way will help. This does help. I would be compassionate if this was a friend. And yet with my sister I feel like a control freak. It's like I'm 13 again and I want to tell her she's doing it all wrong (and she hasn't even done anything yet!). I haven't felt like this towards her in years and years and frankly, I'd really like to just let it go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Thank you. I think I'll go stick those verses above my kitchen sink. I do love her and I really need to let go of past wrongs. It's funny, I've loved her through all of her flip-flopping around during the last ten years. She discovers a new "career idea" ever six months so our conversations usually go something like this, "Wow! I never knew you wanted to be a Chinese acupuncturist...very cool." And then six months later, "I think you'd make a *fantastic* broadcast journalist!" And then six months later, "I definitely think you could write a novel - you go kick butt in your creative writing class!" Or this one, "I'll sure miss you while you're in Taiwan, but I'm glad you'll be so happy working with children." Not to mention the relationships... It was always slightly amusing - mostly because it never hurt anyone. I really want this to work for her - both the relationship and the motherhood thing. I also want to love her and be excited (without reservation) and make sure I'm not the critical older sister who thinks she can't do anything. She's intelligent and funny and she deserves my celebration; not my condemnation. Take comfort from the 'always perseveres' part, that's what I do. I'm sure my big sister has felt the same as you :) The funny part, as a younger sister, you guys cast looooong shadows, it's hard to be grown up and mature and responsible, when you have the pinnacle of adultness always offering her advice and corrections. It wasn't until my sister started treating me like a friend and equal that I was able to... how do you put it? It wasn't until then that I was able to see her as something more than the girl on the pedestal. Your sissy loves you too and she wants/needs you to believe in her. For pity's sake, you can think this, but do not say it: If you ever hurt this baby, I will.......... She will not get past that quickly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I believe I became a better parent once I had children. Lots of things in my life changed. If anyone had judged my maternal nature based on what I was like before I had kids, they would have probably suggested I make myself sterile. Isn't that sad? Because I think I'm a pretty darn good mom. Being a grown up is overrated. I'm 41 yrs. old and I don't feel grown up at all. Thank goodness! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcjlkplus3 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 As the big sister of a flaky little sister... You don't have to be all the way happy for her, just don't tell her. Your concerns are valid. Having a baby WILL change her. You WILL be excited and love your niece or nefew. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storm Bay Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 When I was in high school I had a friend from a terrible family situation (both parents were alcoholics). She got pregnant at 21 when she was very irresponsible. It led to life changing decisions for her. First, she quit drinking when she was pregnant (she would get plastered at parties before that.) Her boyfriend split, but later came back and married her. They became Christians and got their lives together. She was still a terrible housekeeper the last time I saw her, but what huge changes those were. Her dad also dried up, which helped. Having a baby can lead to big changes. I'm not saying that her conversion had anything to do with parenthood, but the other changes did. So be supportive and encouraging. You don't have to feel happy about it, but she doesn't have to know that. This is your niece or nephew, so be there for him or her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaik76 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Well...having children changes a lot of people (sometimes slowly!) so maybe she will change after having this baby. Although I must admit, I don't breastfeed and still consider myself a good mom!:grouphug: I hope things go well for her, and that she is able to make the changes necessary to be a good mom. ETA: I would just be as supportive as I can, be there when you are able, and step away gracefully when things are not as you would like. Another hug. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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