Crissy Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 She has always been rather selfish, but this just takes the cake.:mad: Her husband is being recognized nationally as one of the top ten in his field. He has worked and educated himself for years to achieve a goal such as this, and just today he was presented with an all-expenses-paid trip to the convention where his work will be recognized. And she will not go. She refuses to leave her DOG with anyone for two days so her husband's accomplishments can be acknowledged. And if he goes alone, she will make his life miserable for months to come. I offered to take her dog, to care for and spoil him to her exact specifications, but she would not agree. She says her husband can just get his award from his boss at a later date. I can hardly breathe, I'm so frustrate with her tonight. How could a person be any *less* supportive of one they love?! AAAAARRRRGGGG!! Thanks for letting me get that out. My husband thanks you, too.;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Friederike in Persia Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 How about hitting her over the head with a stick?:p (As a very last option!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted February 20, 2008 Author Share Posted February 20, 2008 How about hitting her over the head with a stick?:p (As a very last option!) Oh, I think that would make me feel much better! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 How bizarre, really. I sincerely hope he doesn't cater to her juvenile behavior by skipping the convention. I'd encourage him ~ preferably in front of your sister ~ to go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in Orlando Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 WOW - our sisters sound a lot alike. I'm with Colleen on this - encourage your bil to go and get his accollades. Maybe HE could take the dog and leave your sister behind? Sorry, I really do know how frustrating this can be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted February 20, 2008 Author Share Posted February 20, 2008 How bizarre, really. I sincerely hope he doesn't cater to her juvenile behavior by skipping the convention. I'd encourage him ~ preferably in front of your sister ~ to go. Unfortunately, if history is any indication, he will stay home and be miserable before he would make her angry. :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted February 20, 2008 Author Share Posted February 20, 2008 Maybe HE could take the dog and leave your sister behind? Hmmm. Maybe. If he didn't despise her stupid mutt.:rolleyes: LOL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Wow. Jealous much?? (your sister, I mean) I would seriously encourage bil to go in front of everyone and anyone around until sis gets the freakin' message. Really. Unbelievable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Okay, maybe "all worked up" is an overstatement.:p But seriously, how close are you (or your dh) to your brother-in-law? Is there any way one of you can talk with him, or your sister, to try and nudge them out of this pattern? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted February 20, 2008 Author Share Posted February 20, 2008 Is there any way one of you can talk with him, or your sister, to try and nudge them out of this pattern? Well, no, not really. I tried everything I could think of to keep him from *marrying* her. He's such a great guy, and she's...well, she's a b*tch. I do think I'll call him, though, and let him know that I made the offer to care for the dog. At the same time, I'll encourage him to go regardless of her decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted February 20, 2008 Author Share Posted February 20, 2008 I would seriously encourage bil to go in front of everyone and anyone around until sis gets the freakin' message. That's a great idea. She'll likely have fewer excuses when everyone supports *him*. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 What would happen if you politely asked your sister how in the heck she became so selfish? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 "For my dear sister ~ May this tale of selflessness lend you encouragement and inspiration.";) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 He's such a great guy, and she's...well, she's a b*tch. Tell me how you really feel. And then go have a sip of Warre's Warrior.;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Wow, that sounds insane! I'd have BIL bring the dog over, therefore removing said excuse. ETA: Congratulations to your BIL!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Volty Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Dog, not kids you say? If I were your BIL, when I came back from the convention, I wouldn't show my wife the award, I'd show her divorce papers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlockOfSillies Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Or along Colleen's line of thought, how about a booby prize award for *her*? A plaque with an appropriate proverb. Something like, "A wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands" or "It is better to live in the corner of a housetop than with a contentious woman." Pointed and stinging, but free of vulgarity, LOL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bev in B'ville Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 I think the dog is simply a tool in this case. She's using the dog as an excuse; if it wasn't the dog it would be something else. Is she afraid of flying? Traveling? Do crowds (such as those at a convention) make her uncomfortable? Perhaps she's too ashamed to admit there's a problem and instead lashes out at the people she loves. The bottom line is there's no excuse for this sort of behavior, but there may be an underlying problem at the root of it. Bil should go without her and he should make it clear that she's disappointing him by not coming. After all, if, as you said, he's been working long and hard for this accomplishment, then in a way it's her accomplishment, too as she's accompanied him on this journey. Just my $.02 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRILLIUM Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 It does seem like passive agressive behavior to me. I would guess there are some long term underlying issues. What sacrifices has she made for her husband to reach this career point. Does she ever get any recognition for those sacrifices. Does she have a career? Is it possible that she is will feel her life does not measure up to the people she is surrounded by at the recognition functions. Is this a way to say to her husband "you left me alone while persuing your career goals, now the dog is the important one in my life" It does sound like the two of them have stuff to resolve--I don't want to play that down. Few people get to the top of their career without putting in hours that require substantial sacrifices of family or couple time. You've done what you can to make it possible for him to go. As hard as it is not to take side, particular with sister history (and she does remind me of my little sister, your not by any chance th older sister) I'd try to remain supportive of both of them. You know a lot of people carry alot of unseen issues and pain around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli in TN Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 I think the dog is simply a tool in this case. She's using the dog as an excuse; if it wasn't the dog it would be something else. Is she afraid of flying? Traveling? Do crowds (such as those at a convention) make her uncomfortable? This would be me. I can't do crowds and I cannot fly. But for my dh, for something so major, I would figure something out. If I had to take an alternative mode of transportation (and interstate driving terrifies me too, btw, I have more issues than you can shake a stick at!). I would get there, I might hide in a corner, but I would get there. And if I did not handle the crowd with as much class and social skill as he might like, I'd make him glad he brought me along, later......:p Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shell in SC Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 I have flown in planes where other passengers have their dogs in a soft travel carrier and they sit on the seat right beside their owners. I have been in 4 star hotels in DC that are pet friendly and by "pet friendly" I mean that the dog goes in the bar with his owner. I would encourage him to find pet friendly accomodations just to eliminate that excuse. Does she realize that actually attending this event could help his career even more? DH has been in situations where the people that he has met at events like that have helped him to succeed even more in his field. VERY SELFISH ON HER PART. . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelly in VA Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 I think Trillium is right on here. There is obviously something else going on, not just the dog issue. I love my dog, but I kennel him when we travel! <smile> I think probably your sister feels like she has made sacrifices for her dh, and for whatever reason, she does not want to accomodate him here. Perhaps she feels like his work life is so separate from their married life that she doesn't want any part of it. Is she resentful of the time and energy he spends there, as opposed to with her? I just don't see how pet care for 2 days could be the real issue here! Kids, sure, especially if they were young or had special needs or whatever. $, maybe, but if you're offering to keep the dog, that won't cost her. Conflict with her work schedule, maybe? I don't know, but I think there is something more there. Sorry this is causing stress for you all; I have a sister and 7 sisters-in-law - believe me when I tell you that I understand the anxiety that this sort of thing can cause!! I hope it all works out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2legomaniacs Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 I am sorry. I know how frustrating family can be (got some real doozies in my own at times!). My thought: tell your sister that YOU are going to offer to go and support him since she doesn't want to. He should have someone there to cheer to on and since she is "unable --HA" that you would be willing to make that sacrifice for her. You know that she wouldn't want him to go alone and unsupported and you love her enough to do that for her! Rather snarky, but that is what came to my mind. Good luck dear! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Why doesn't he just go by himself? I don't think you can make your sister be a better wife. I agree with the others, she could take the dog with her if she wanted to. Lots of wives wouldn't be able to drop things and make the trip. However, most would send their dh off with hugs and a camera. He should go and enjoy his moment in the spot light. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 While I agree that it's obviously "not just about the dog" -- that if it weren't for the dog, she'd still find something else to grasp hold of -- I disagree that this could possibly be about travel or crowds or feeling like her marriage is so separate from his work that she doesn't need to support him... If any of those were true, surely she would tell him, "Honey, I can't go, but I love you and support you and I'm so proud of you and want you to have a wonderful time." Clearly that's not happening either. Crissy, I think all you can really do is support your BIL as unequivocally as possible. Make sure both he and your sister know that *your* family is proud of him and supports him and thinks he should take this opportunity to be recognized for his hard work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemyboys Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Maybe HE could take the dog and leave your sister behind? So many hotels these days let people bring pets along and have services designed to accommodate them. Even though the whole scenario is just sad and much more involved than actual concern for the pet, this could be a solution for it. If bil offers it up, at least it might call her bluff. Unless dpet is a newfoundland! Good luck, so frustrating to watch happen to a nice guy.:mad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 I can almost hear Dr. Laura now. LOL Your sister is making a huge mistake and is telling her dh that he just doesn't matter to her at all. I don't know if that's what she's trying to say or not, but bottom line is, she needs to go and support her husband. Her "comfort" isn't the priority here, supporting her dh is. Transportation issues, pet sitting issues, all that can be solved pretty easily, but it may not be solved her way. I agree with whomever said that other family members should praise him all over the place and in front her her. She needs a reality check and she needs one now, or she's going to be a very lonely old woman. I also think someone needs to sit her selfish hiney down and tell her that part of her duty as a wife is to be there for her husband. I'm sure if she were given some accolade for whatever it is she does, she'd accept NO excuse from him should he not want to be there for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Lea Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 My dh is a work horse who reaches one goal only to have the next goal defined and a plan of attack to reach it before he even achives the first goal. He's gotten better over the years about not leaving his family in the dust while trying to reach goals with his career, but the pain is still there from years past. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMindy Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Although, I suppose every time he allows her to do something so selfish and outragous he allows the pattern to continue. I will pray that he uses this as a time to stand up and say, "I'm not going to take this anymore!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 She has always been rather selfish, but this just takes the cake.:mad:Her husband is being recognized nationally as one of the top ten in his field. He has worked and educated himself for years to achieve a goal such as this, and just today he was presented with an all-expenses-paid trip to the convention where his work will be recognized. And she will not go. She refuses to leave her DOG with anyone for two days so her husband's accomplishments can be acknowledged. And if he goes alone, she will make his life miserable for months to come. I offered to take her dog, to care for and spoil him to her exact specifications, but she would not agree. She says her husband can just get his award from his boss at a later date. I can hardly breathe, I'm so frustrate with her tonight. How could a person be any *less* supportive of one they love?! AAAAARRRRGGGG!! Thanks for letting me get that out. My husband thanks you, too.;) she does not feel appreciated. Did her dh have to sacrifice a lot of time to get to this point in his career and could not spend much time with her? IMHO, this is not about the dog but about her. She is just using the dog for an excuse. Could her dh suggest a get-away time tacked on the convention trip? A vacation so they can just spend time together? Perhaps this would be an incentive for her. Sorry to be so blunt but I just have this gut feeling that this is not about a dog... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 It does seem like passive agressive behavior to me. I would guess there are some long term underlying issues. What sacrifices has she made for her husband to reach this career point. Does she ever get any recognition for those sacrifices. Does she have a career? Is it possible that she is will feel her life does not measure up to the people she is surrounded by at the recognition functions. Is this a way to say to her husband "you left me alone while persuing your career goals, now the dog is the important one in my life" You know a lot of people carry alot of unseen issues and pain around. nt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Tell me how you really feel. And then go have a sip of Warre's Warrior.;) Please explain briefly. I have a feeling I could use some...:p Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*anj* Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 There are definitely other issues going on there, and I think that your bil is part of the issue. It sounds like all along he has shown her that she can pout and throw tantrums and then he'll jump and run and beg and roll over and play dead for her. Which is maybe why she loves the dog so much. He may be the tops in his field, but there are obviously problems at home that haven't been dealt with. There is such a thing as being too much of a nice guy. Being nice is not the same thing as being a patsy. I'd encourage him to go and I'd also enlist the aid of other relatives to do likewise. If he still gives in to her, well I think that speaks volumes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 I say he should go...with our without her. That's a huge accomplishment! I have a very, and I do mean very selfish sister...I could write volumes on her. So I know from experience about this type of stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNC Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 are people so flippin crazy about their pets these days. They ARE NOT children. OK. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMC Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 I discovered that DH just simply hates to travel. It has taken me a long time to get over the "guilt" and just to go by myself. At least he doesn't try to make me feel guilty, I can manage that all by myself :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 He knows what he is giving up and he is an adult. He is making the choice to stay home and be put behind the dog in priorities. He is allowing that to happen and is his own demise. I would openly encourage him to go, but honestly, if she changes her mind now, and goes out of obligation, she will probably be so poorly behaved while there, that he will wish he didn't go. If he doesn't want to deal with her attitude when he gets back...well then, that is his choice. I can't imagine behaving this way, but I would NOT get involved, most definitely in a hot topic, in someone else's marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 nt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 If she didn't have the dog, she'd likely come up with another reason she can't go. I have hunch, though that it's also not about fear of flying or some such. It's pure selfish manipulation on the part of Crissy's sister ~ and her husband enables it when he caves to her selfish whims. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Yes, PLEASE do encourage him to go. Does this sort of behaviour not jeopardize her relationship with her husband? Does she not know or care that this might jeopardize her relationship with him? Regena Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Is she always this way or just about his work? I would wonder if she hasn't been cast aside for so many years while he pursued his career and she was left to fend for herself. She obviously is a bit over attached to a pet (since she won't leave the pet with you for 2 days) but is some of that because she has spent too many hours alone? Even if dh comes home at night, is he in the office working or watching TV and tuning her out? Most people I know, who are this attached to someone or something other than their husband, are feeling neglected in some way. Maybe it is rational, maybe not. Either way I would suggest counseling for the couple. Not because of this scenario, but because of the displaced priorities and attachment to a pet instead of her husband. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted February 25, 2008 Author Share Posted February 25, 2008 Thank you all for commiserating with me. I did encourage my BIL to go on the trip alone. He will not, and has declined the company's gift. At this point he cannot change his decision. His award will be given to him after the convention, during a regular work day. I agree with those of you who say this is not about the dog. It never has been. She was equally selfish before they had a dog. Colleen and Mindy, you are exactly right. He enables her to continue this behavior by giving in to her ridiculous demands. This has been pointed out to him, and there is nothing more we can do. Theirs is an interesting marriage. You know, I love my sister. Sometimes, though, she makes me crazy! :eek: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracey in TX Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 If BIL doesn't have the guts to stand up to his own wife, then he gets what he deserves--a miserable existence. When a person chooses to roll over and be dominated, then life is unbearable. Time to let him fight his own battles. If I couldn't attend DH's award, the least that would be done is to webcast to also participate. We are EQUALS in a marriage. Only your BIL can demand that from his marriage. No one individual can dominate their marriage w/o their partner's approval. Sorry sis is such a PITA, but it's their life. Hopefully her husband will roar like a bear and demand she go. If not, the plane will fly just as well w/o her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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