Is there an age spread between a man and woman when it is just too much?

[dorothy]

At how many years age difference between a man and woman do you think: "Hmm, that's too much."

 

5, 10, 20, 30, more?

 

I ask because I just met a couple where he is 36 years her senior. So, when she was 16 he was 52. That creeped me out. But, maybe it sounds just fine to others.

 

What say you?

[klmama]

At how many years age difference between a man and woman do you think: "Hmm, that's too much."

 

5, 10, 20, 30, more?

 

I ask because I just met a couple where he is 36 years her senior. So, when she was 16 he was 52. That creeped me out. But, maybe it sounds just fine to others.

 

What say you?

 

If she was 30 and he was 66 when they met, that doesn't seem nearly as bad as 16/52. I assume she was an adult when they got together! If not, I'd think it weird.

 

Honestly, though, I think compatibility is more important than age, no matter who is older (as long as both are adults). One of the happiest couples I know involves a wife that is 12 years older than her dh. That said, dh and I are the same age, and I love that we share the cultural references and such that allows.

[Liz CA]

At how many years age difference between a man and woman do you think: "Hmm, that's too much."

 

5, 10, 20, 30, more?

 

I ask because I just met a couple where he is 36 years her senior. So, when she was 16 he was 52. That creeped me out. But, maybe it sounds just fine to others.

 

What say you?

 

Ahem...this seems quite a gap to me. How old are they now? Is she 20 and he 56?...Or are they 30 and 66? Well I could carry this on and on but the short answer is that the woman has to be prepared to be widowed young. If they want children, will they be prepared to be possibly without a Dad before they are grown? Just some practical observations...:001_unsure:

 

[Tammy]

It isn't much until one of them hits 60....then it is a HUGE difference......ask me how I know, LOL!

[Peek a Boo]

If she was 30 and he was 66 when they met, that doesn't seem nearly as bad as 16/52. I assume she was an adult when they got together! If not, I'd think it weird.

 

Honestly, though, I think compatibility is more important than age, no matter who is older (as long as both are adults). One of the happiest couples I know involves a wife that is 12 years older than her dh. That said, dh and I are the same age, and I love that we share the cultural references and such that allows.

 

:iagree:

 

dh is 12.5 years my senior -- i was 19 and he was 31 when we married. he jokes that by the time i get the youngest OUT of diapers, he'll be IN diapers, lol.

 

i don't think a widowed mom would have tooo much to worry about parenting wise: there are quite a few cool guys that are willing to marry a widow and help raise a kid if she feels that's what her family needs.

 

I think there's a few other gals on the board w/ even wider age ranges from their spouse....at least, last time we did a poll like this there were......

[swellmomma]

Even I at 31 would not date a guy that was 52, mainly because that is the same age my parents are and it would creep me out lol Different strokes for different folks I guess. In a case of 16/52 I would assume he was her father though not her bf if I saw them out in public. I know My personal age "cutoff" for dating is 15 years my senior, I have had men in their 50s be interested in me (more so than those in their 30s, but I was not comfortable with that)

[Sparkle]

I don't know if there's a magic number, but I do think that a younger woman could end up being her dh's caretaker while she is still relatively young.

 

I dated a man who was 17 years my senior when I was in college (I was 17, he was 34), and the age difference didn't bother me. Sadly, he died several years ago at only 55 - if I had married him, I would have been a widow at 38. Pretty weird to think about. I prefer to grow old along with my hubby :)

[CactusPair]

When my aunt was in her early 30's she married a man at least as old as my grandfather. He's past 80 now and they're still happily married and have 2 kids aged 14 and 10. He's the elderly one, but she has worse health problems than he does by far. Their marriage has worked for them and they love each other very much.

 

I wouldn't choose to go that route, but everyone gets hit by cupid in different ways. My dad married someone who's only 7 years older than I am and *that* creeps me out.;)

[iamrachelle]

I'm not sure if there's a magical number but for me an age difference greater than 20 years kind of creeps me out a bit. Having said that, my grandmother married a man that was only a few years older than my Dad. He was an awesome GrandDaddy before he passed away several years ago, so I think there are exceptions to be made for the most part. Clear as mud, right?

[Pamela H in Texas]

I'd like to say that age doesn't matter, but I would think that more than 15 or 20 years would generally be too much. I generally think there is likely something going on. That may not be a fair thought, but....

[TraceyS/FL]

Now that i'm 40, i'm more flexible that i would have been younger. When i was 18 i was seeing a 30yo, but that was a bit too much for both of us, so we dropped it.

 

As someone who is soon to "single", and living in a retirement community area, i might have to broaden my view if i want to have ANY social life! LOL!!

[Soph the vet]

My mom and stepdad had 26 years between them. She was 37 and he was 63 when they married and it lasted for almost 20 years until he died. It was her third marriage and the best marriage she had. He never seemed a lot older and he died because of a car accident, not health reasons.

I also have a friend who, at 29, married her 58 year old boyfriend. They have 5 kids who keep him young I think.

[Sue G in PA]

The valedictorian of my high school grad. class married our class advisor. He was close to 50 and she was 18. He had daughters older than she was. It was quite the story. The psychology major in me often wonders why relationships like that happen (a girl so young and a man so much older). They are still together today and have 2 young children. So...you never know!

[lionfamily1999]

I know a lot of people would wonder what sort of psychology is behind such a match, and I have to wonder (in return) what it matters. The older I get, the more I think, be comfortable, be happy. If you have 'daddy issues' and want to marry a man to replace your father, if the man you find would make a good father figure (both to yourself and any children you may have), why not? If you're a young man with 'mother issues,' why shouldn't you find a mate that fulfill those needs?

 

If they're happy, so be it.

 

There's five years between dh and me. It rarely causes any 'issues,' for the most part, we're on the same page.

[Pamela H in Texas]

There's five years between dh and me.

 

Five or ten years is NOTHING, especially when both parties are over 25-ish.

 

I do think you're right that whatever psychological issues are behind other matches (assuming there even is one) doesn't much matter. As long as it works for them....

 

I guess I just can't get over it...which just suggests that if something happened to my hubby, I'd probably be with someone no more than 15 years older than myself (and I wouldn't go younger no matter what...which may sound odd too, but every marriage I know of like that has been EXTREMELY bad).

 

ETA: I'll probably be eating crow one day cuz I opened my big mouth. LOL

[RebeccaS]

It's an interesting question and I've heard opinions all over the board. My own dh is 12.5 years my senior. He was 34 when we married, I was 22. We had totally different experiences growing up-okay, so everyone does, but consider that he was a kid during the 70's and me more the mid80's-early 90's. One day, for example, Chris asked me what I was doing when the Challenger exploded. I told him I was in second grade. He then told me he was in the Navy.:001_huh: When you put it like that, yeah, it sounds a little creepy.:tongue_smilie:

[lionfamily1999]

Five or ten years is NOTHING, especially when both parties are over 25-ish.

 

I do think you're right that whatever psychological issues are behind other matches (assuming there even is one) doesn't much matter. As long as it works for them....

 

I guess I just can't get over it...which just suggests that if something happened to my hubby, I'd probably be with someone no more than 15 years older than myself (and I wouldn't go younger no matter what...which may sound odd too, but every marriage I know of like that has been EXTREMELY bad).

 

ETA: I'll probably be eating crow one day cuz I opened my big mouth. LOL

Lol, that's why I try REALLY hard to 'never say never.'

 

The five years is not huge, when looking at some of these age gaps, but for most of our friends it was disturbing, especially when we started dating. DH waited until I was a confirmed 18 year old to ask me out and married me at 19... a lot of his friends were 'creeped out' by the whole thing.

[amy g.]

I have an uncle that remarried when his wife died. His second wife was 30 something years younger than he was. She said that she would rather be married to him for a short while than someone younger for twice as long.

 

My uncle died when their oldest child was 18. She just told me this week how fortunate she feels to have had him as a father.

 

If it makes the people involved happy, I don't see what the problem is.

[HRAAB]

My grandfather was 27 years older than my grandmother. There was nothing creepy about it. Two adults who fell in love and married.

 

Janet

[ereks mom]

I'd like to say that age doesn't matter, but I would think that more than 15 or 20 years would generally be too much. I generally think there is likely something going on. That may not be a fair thought, but....

 

...are 12 years apart (he is older). This is the third marriage for each of them, and this time, it seems to be working for them both.

[Mrs Darcy]

My dh is 15 years older then I am. 31 and 46.

 

We live each day to it's fullest and every every moment we have together. For all we know, we both might die within the next year, or we could have another 50 years together.

 

If dh was to die, I live just outside the largest retirement community in the USA, lots of choices there for older men. I think the ratio is something the 10 ladies to every one man. Reading this article in yesterdays paper, did make me think again about going there.

 

http://www.nypost.com/seven/01252009/news/nationalnews/retire_to_the_bedroom_151976.htm

[KarenNC]

My mil is 16 years older than my fil, they've been very happily married for somewhere around 30 years now (he was in his early 20s when they married).

Both my father and my stepmother were widowed at about age 40---my dad was three years older than my mom and I believe my stepmother's first husband was only a couple of years older than her. That means that the ones who married closer in age, in this instance, had shorter marriages due to death than the one who married someone much younger, so you never can tell.

[KristineinKS]

I've analyzed this subject to death over the years and have decided that it really depends on the parties involved. Up until last April, I was a divorced/single mom of four (and unable to have more kids) -- it was never easy finding guys my own age to date because most 30-year-old men either don't want that kind of "baggage" or still had a lot of maturing to do & weren't ready for an "instant family." DH is 17 years older than I am and one year younger than my parents. However, growing up, I always viewed my parents more as friends and equals than parents (they had me at a very young age & didn't raise me). To this day, my parents are great friends...Even still, at first I wasn't sure that I wanted to date DH, given the age difference, but now I never even think about it. We complement each other perfectly and while his age has been completely irrelevant, his wisdom and maturity have been a huge plus.

 

On the flip side, when I was around 16/17, my dad was dating a girl who was 21 and *that* creeped me out to no end! My mom is married to a man 22 years her senior & has been his caretaker for the past several years, so I do know that's a very real & difficult-to-deal-with possibility.

[Tracey in TX]

There are always exceptions to any rule. ie An "old soul" might have more in common with someone 25 years his/her senior. In general I think more than 10 years is weird. I will *strongly* urge my children to date within 5 years of their age--and only 2 yrs difference until they're out of my house. I never found commonality with a man more than 2 years +/- my age.

[Remudamom]

 

My dad married someone who's only 7 years older than I am and *that* creeps me out.;)

 

My stepmom is my age. And that's all I'll say.

[dragons in the flower bed]

My stepmom is my age. And that's all I'll say.

 

Fiance 4.0 was three years younger than me.

[dragons in the flower bed]

An "old soul" might have more in common with someone 25 years his/her senior.

 

With only one exception, throughout my childhood my friends have always been at least 5 years older. It was particularly awful when I was a teenager. At 17, I'd been hacking out my path through the real world as an unschooled kid for three years already. My peers were at that point squinting into the blinding possibilities and panicking at (or abusing with glee) their newfound freedom. They seemed like such babies, and who wants to spend their life in the mall, worrying about what their peers think of their jeans? Such is not the way to happiness. It was the adults around me with whom I was reading the same books, worrying about the same news items, and I was able to converse with them. I suspect it will be easier for my own children, who are surrounded by other homeschooled kids.

[Peek a Boo]

My stepmom is my age. And that's all I'll say.

 

dh is older than my stepmom :)

[Peek a Boo]

.... especially when we started dating. DH waited until I was a confirmed 18 year old to ask me out and married me at 19... a lot of his friends were 'creeped out' by the whole thing.

 

hooo boy yeah.....

I met dh when i was 14. My lil' bro's Scoutmaster asked his friend [dh] to help assist the scout troop. I didn't realize till after we started dating at 18 that he had mentioned to his wife "if she's still available when she hits 18....." I never had a CLUE, lol.

[Sarah CB]

DH waited until I was a confirmed 18 year old to ask me out and married me at 19... a lot of his friends were 'creeped out' by the whole thing.

 

I had a huge crush on dh when I was 16, but he was 23 and wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole. Things wouldn't have worked out if anything had started that early - I was a mess back then and didn't have the maturity for an actual relationship so I'm really grateful that my silly flirting didn't go anywhere.

 

Once I turned 18 it was a different story :)

[OnTheBrink]

I think there are a lot of variables in relationships, and I'd hate to make a blanket statement about age differences, but for ME, 20 years is too many. I think I'd be comfortable with a 10 year difference, with the man being the older one. More than that and it feels creepy to me.

 

However, it's hard to find good marriages these days, so if two people are married and they're 25+ years apart, mozel tov.

[lionfamily1999]

hooo boy yeah.....

I met dh when i was 14. My lil' bro's Scoutmaster asked his friend [dh] to help assist the scout troop. I didn't realize till after we started dating at 18 that he had mentioned to his wife "if she's still available when she hits 18....." I never had a CLUE, lol.

LOL! I've never heard of a Scout Leader scoping the sisters....... I'm sorry, that is HIL-AR-EE-OWS! :lol:

I had a huge crush on dh when I was 16, but he was 23 and wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole. Things wouldn't have worked out if anything had started that early - I was a mess back then and didn't have the maturity for an actual relationship so I'm really grateful that my silly flirting didn't go anywhere.

 

Once I turned 18 it was a different story :)

That is EXACTLY what happened with us. I had the worst crush on him from the time I was sixteen and first met him. Every time I saw him, I floated behind on a wave of sighs and hormones. He was so coldly polite, I thought he DESPISED me.

 

Then I turned 18... ;)

[dragons in the flower bed]

At how many years age difference between a man and woman do you think: "Hmm, that's too much."

 

I would try not to judge another person's relationship on this or any other factor, unless the person in it is a dear friend and I'm observing the wind go out from beneath their sails. Even in that case, I'd try to spend extra time encouraging my friend rather than tell her there's something wrong with her relationship.

 

I think old-fashioned courtesy comes into play here. A friend should give another the benefit of the doubt, right? A forty-year age difference might not be acceptable to me for a host of reasons: I want to have children, I want to grow old together, I view all older people as parental figures. But there's no reason to assume others have those considerations. In fact, since they're entering into such a relationship, it's safe to assume that they don't have these worries, or that they have observed other pros that are bigger than these cons.

[Allearia]

My parents were 20 years apart. They started dating when my mom was a teenager. These days if you hear about something like that the guy would get arrested... but they got married when my mom was 17 and were married about 25 years before my dad passed away in his early 60s.

 

So when I met my husband at 19 it was nothing that he was 12 years older! Sometimes it seems like we are at different places in life, he is closer in age to my mom than to me! but it doesn't have to get in the way of a relationship.

[Tap]

My parents had 17 years difference...I think it was too much. Not from an ewww factor, even though my mom was 1mo at my dads high school graduation :0), but from a life path point of view. Mom was 27 and dad was 44 when they met.

 

They always had generational issues. My dad was always in a different life phase than my mom. When my dad retired, my mom still had almost 20 years of work left ahead of her. When my mom was active and wanting to go out dancing (after us kids were grown) my dad would sit an watch her dance with other people b/c he couldn't keep up 40yo's body vs 60's. It was obvious, even to us kids that there was a difference between them.

 

They almost divorced a couple of times. The last time was almost done, when dad got cancer. Mom moved back in to nurse him for 5 years until he died.

 

I feel bad for people who have a large age differences because I lived with it and towards the end it isn't always a good fit.

[lionfamily1999]

So when I met my husband at 19 it was nothing that he was 12 years older!

LOL, I read that wrong at first, thought you said dh was 19... 12 years apart...... I was a little shocked and uncomfortable thinking of a 7 y-o dating a 19 y-o.......

 

:lol:

 

I get it now, but before..... shooooooo!

[Crissy]

Is there an age spread between a man and woman when it is just too much?

 

There are so many more issues that determine a healthy relationship outside of age difference.

 

There is a 16 year difference between my husband and I, but we are so compatible when it comes to nearly every issue in our lives, from our general philosophies about how to live, to raising our children and running our business.

 

I imagine there are plenty of folks who are 'creeped out' about our age difference, but I'd have to say that our marriage/personal relationship is healthier and our working relationship is better than a large percentage of the population. There is nothing creepy about that. :)

[TraceyS/FL]

If dh was to die, I live just outside the largest retirement community in the USA, lots of choices there for older men. I think the ratio is something the 10 ladies to every one man. Reading this article in yesterdays paper, did make me think again about going there.

 

http://www.nypost.com/seven/01252009/news/nationalnews/retire_to_the_bedroom_151976.htm

 

Are you my neighbor????

 

That is where i live! :tongue_smilie:

 

(and i knew that the #1 treated thing at the hospital was STD's).

[chickenpatty]

I know of a couple who are about 50 years apart. The wife is probably close to 80 & the husband is maybe 30. Wow!

 

And, my stepdad is my age - but my mom is only 17 years older than me.

[6packofun]

That is very, very common. I visit an Alzheimer's caregivers forum and there are several young women in their 30's and 40's who are caring for their completely helpless, incontinent, Alzheimer's afflicted old husbands. Of course they love them, but they wonder (and vent) about how the best years of their lives are being spent with someone who is no longer the man they married and hovering near death for *years*. That alone a reason to think very hard about the age gap. And it's not just Alzheimer's to worry about.

[lionfamily1999]

I think you run the risk of being a nurse instead of a spouse, no matter ages. My dad is only 60, but diabetes has him half-helpless. Could my mom have seen that coming when they met and he was a young Marine? Probably not.

[Michelle T]

There is a 30 year age difference between them. They are in the process of getting divorced right now, and age certainly played a part in this, although other things did too.

 

I personally find it kind of icky for a man to be married to a woman who is the exact same age as one of his daughters, and younger than two other daughters (plus one son).

Michelle T

[TravelingChris]

It really depends to me when they were married. I think couples with giant age differences are strange when one of them is young and the other an adult. (18 and 35 or 21 and 41, etc,). On the other hand, I have no problems with a 65 and an 85. By the time people are older, their apparant age can be extremely different from their actual age.

[Audrey]

At how many years age difference between a man and woman do you think: "Hmm, that's too much."

 

5, 10, 20, 30, more?

 

I ask because I just met a couple where he is 36 years her senior. So, when she was 16 he was 52. That creeped me out. But, maybe it sounds just fine to others.

 

What say you?

 

 

Personally, I find it hits the creepy factor when one spouse is old enough to be the other spouse's parent (so 18+ years).

[HRAAB]

An honest question here. Why creepy? What do you mean by creepy? When I think creepy, I think of the dirty old man that goes around molesting young girls.

 

As I said, my grandfather was 27 years older than my grandmother. We have friends where the wife is 15 years older than the husband. I just don't see creepy.

 

Janet

[Veritaserum]

It gets weird for me when one party is old enough to be the other party's parent, but if they are both of age and consenting then it's really none of my business.

 

Dh is 4 years older than I am. I once dated a guy who was 7 years older. I don't think I'd feel comfortable at 15+ years....

[PeterPan]

I never found commonality with a man more than 2 years +/- my age.

 

Not to be crass, but older men tend to have more money, having had more time to save, less to spend it on (barring divorce or previous obligations), and time to become established in their work. I for one LIKE the advantages a bit older man (6 years my senior) brings! I know other people who've married well to do older (slightly or significantly) men, and while they didn't marry them for the money, it sure didn't hurt...

 

While I totally agree some common sense is in order in guiding our kids, I don't see how you can put numbers and requirements on it. That's just closing the door to providence and blessing.

[Michelle T]

An honest question here. Why creepy? What do you mean by creepy? When I think creepy, I think of the dirty old man that goes around molesting young girls.

 

As I said, my grandfather was 27 years older than my grandmother. We have friends where the wife is 15 years older than the husband. I just don't see creepy.

 

Janet

 

This is just my opinion, you understand. But in couples where one is old enough to be the other's parent, I find that creepy, because in my mind, it brings up a sort of incestuous relationship. That of course is my own head trip, but my FIL, married to a woman who is the same age as one daughter, and younger than two others, it just sort of creeps me out, and makes me wonder what sort of psychological issues might be lurking there.

 

And the other part that bothers me is that it is almost always older men/younger women. As if the crowning star for a guy is getting a younger, and presumably more attractive, tight-bodied female.

Michelle T

Edited January 27, 2009 by Michelle T

[cathmom]

I think once you get over 10 years, it can start to be a problem. The best marriage advice I have ever seen was written by Dr. Joyce Brothers in the book What Every Woman Should Know About Love and Marriage. Basically she says that there are factors that can affect the marriage, and age gap is one of them. They are things like family background, religion, age. Her ideal is that a couple be completely similiar as to background and psychologically opposite. As soon as you start to add in issues, the shakier the marriage becomes.

 

So for example, you could have a couple who are the same age, but he is Muslim and she is Christian, he is from a poor family and she from a rich family. Their marriage would be less stable than one where the couple were 15 years apart but had everything else similiar.

 

For complete disclosure, my dh and I fit her profile perfectly. :D And we have a very stable marriage too!

 

Oh, and marrying someone around your own age is no guarantee you will grow old together. My sister's dh was 3 years older than her and she became a widow at 36.

[3lilreds in NC]

I do agree that it is more a compatibility issue than an age issue. We know a couple in which the wife is about 4 years older than we are, and the husband is my dh's parents' age. They get along well, and seem to be great together, but I know it's more than a passing concern that he is so much older. I mean, his children from his first marriage were pretty much grown at their wedding, and they have, I believe, a 13/14 year old and then a younger son too.

 

When I think of dating someone the same age as my dad... I can't imagine it, honestly, but if I met my "soulmate" and he were that much older, it wouldn't matter. (I don't actually believe in soulmates, but you know what I mean. Also I have no plans on dh going anywhere and he is 1 year and 1 week older than I am, so I have no actual experience in this area at all.)