Tap Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Dh's best friend from high school just found out that a girl he had a few dates with got pg when he was 19, she was 21. He is verifying the validity of the claim with a DNA test, but it really looks legit so far. He is really struggling with what to do next. What his role will be, and where he will fit into her life. He is undoubtly angry at the mom. I was wondering if there are any books out there on this subject? Any advice? Any...anything? He is a very, very good man. Single and a Christian. I think I worry more about him getting his heart broken, if he dd decides to not have a relationship with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Poor guy. Missing all those years of her life, then finding out now? Why now? What does the mom want? Are they looking for financial support? Medical background? Not exactly the same situation, but my bil has a dd born in similar circumstances. He doesn't earn much, so all his extra money is going to pay the court-ordered child support, and he can't afford an attorney to file for visitation rights. He doesn't want to raise her by himself, but seeing her would be nice, especially since he has to support her. It stinks. The only plus I can see to the whole situation is that it gives us yet another example for our dc of why it's important to wait for marriage. As for your friend, I see the concern about getting his heart broken. I know it has really hurt my bil that he can't see her. However, given that your friend is a Christian, at least he has God to help him through this. I'll pray for wisdom for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Dh's best friend from high school just found out that a girl he had a few dates with got pg when he was 19, she was 21. He is verifying the validity of the claim with a DNA test, but it really looks legit so far. He is really struggling with what to do next. What his role will be, and where he will fit into her life. He is undoubtly angry at the mom. I was wondering if there are any books out there on this subject? Any advice? Any...anything? He is a very, very good man. Single and a Christian. I think I worry more about him getting his heart broken, if he dd decides to not have a relationship with him. Oh. My. Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. Wow. My guess would be that the mother has come forward now because her child wanted to know the facts of her conception. I doubt the mother thought that far ahead when she decided to keep vital information from your dh's friend 16 or 17 years ago. I was a child born of those circumstances, except my mom didn't keep it a secret from my bio. She told him, he said, 'your problem' and so she left and raised me without his help. She contacted him once when I was 8 and he tried to get her to come live with him...but she had no interest in a relationship with him at that point. And then when I was 16 I wanted to meet him so I did. It was painful for me because he clearly wasn't interested---his then wife made the bigger effort...but I could tell he didn't want me there even for 2 days. So I would say even though your dh's friend is hurting and angry to remember that this child is totally innocent in this---even more so than the friend because after all he DID engage in baby making behavior. She, the child, is innocent and deserves to feel loved and not rejected. I know he will know that logically...but it is worth reminding him because it is difficult to behave correctly in such emotion charged situations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 25, 2009 Author Share Posted January 25, 2009 (edited) He would like to have a relationship with her. Yesterday he met her for the first time. She is an athlete and after their first visit of about an hour, she invited him to her event. He went and met her fellow athletes. He really enjoyed the night. Afterward, he texted the mom, thanked her for the evening, made kind comments about the dd, and asked for the daughters phone number so he could thank her too. The mom said she wanted to talk to dd about it first. This crushed dh's friend, but he really appreciates that the mom is being considerate and respectful of the dd and her feelings. He feels they are off to a good start. He grew up in a split family and there was HUGE animosity between his bio-parents. I know he wouldn't want to cause any more pain for the dd. He is a gentle and caring person, the dd and mom are very lucky to have him. Thanks for the encouragement. It is really hard to see him go through this. He would have been such a good father, even in a part time role, it is disappointing to see him deprived of this. I am happy that they did finally contact him, so at least he will have a little time with her before she is an adult. A little glimpse of her as a teen is at least a beginning. I was going to look today ad see if I can find some books for him to read, especially from the teens point of view. I thought maybe books on adopted children seeking bio parents may be of help. There are so many comments that we can make in a casual situation, that can be very hurtful when someone is trying to be nice. It would be good to give him a heads up. (Like telling a women who miscarried that they can 'try again') Edited January 25, 2009 by Tap, tap, tap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PariSarah Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 . . . that it sounds like your friend is handling with grace. I have no suggestions--just a LOT of sympathy and good wishes for him/them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth in OH Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 He doesn't earn much, so all his extra money is going to pay the court-ordered child support, and he can't afford an attorney to file for visitation rights. Do any of the churches in your brother's town or closest city offer free legal clinics? I offer my time at the legal clinic in my church, and one of the things we love to do is help non-custodial parents restore relationships with their kids. Sometimes it isn't as hard to obtain visitation as one might think. Beth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Do any of the churches in your brother's town or closest city offer free legal clinics? I offer my time at the legal clinic in my church, and one of the things we love to do is help non-custodial parents restore relationships with their kids. Sometimes it isn't as hard to obtain visitation as one might think. Beth I was thinking of this as I put away my laundry. And yes, I do need to get a life. :D I know that visitation and cs are two separate items; however, aren't they usually handled at the same time? How is it this poor man was ordered by the courts to pay cs and yet he didn't get visitation? Then I started thinking there might be some reason he wasn't awarded or didn't ask for visitation...and then I realize I think too much about total strangers on a message board. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Dh's best friend from high school just found out that a girl he had a few dates with got pg when he was 19, she was 21. He is verifying the validity of the claim with a DNA test, but it really looks legit so far. He is really struggling with what to do next. What his role will be, and where he will fit into her life. He is undoubtly angry at the mom. I was wondering if there are any books out there on this subject? Any advice? Any...anything? He is a very, very good man. Single and a Christian. I think I worry more about him getting his heart broken, if he dd decides to not have a relationship with him. He doesn't need a book. He needs to get a good lawyer. This is too fishy to come popping up now after all those years. Even if there is no financial game playing going on, it sure is an emotional game play, and that's just not right. At all. :glare: I'd be seriously suspicious of the motives behind this move. He should think of protecting himself and his rights. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 25, 2009 Author Share Posted January 25, 2009 He doesn't need a book. He needs to get a good lawyer. This is too fishy to come popping up now after all those years. Even if there is no financial game playing going on, it sure is an emotional game play, and that's just not right. At all. :glare: I'd be seriously suspicious of the motives behind this move. He should think of protecting himself and his rights. He is consulting an attorney, but is waiting for the DNA test first. The mom says the dd has been the one pushing for her to find him and that is why she started looking for him. Crazy scary but so far everything is making sense and they haven't asked for anything....yet. The girl was raised by her step father and bio-mom. She has 1/2 sisters that she was raised with. So far everything is looking legit but he is smart enough to know to request the DNA test sooner rather than later. The results should be here this coming week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 He doesn't need a book. He needs to get a good lawyer. This is too fishy to come popping up now after all those years. Even if there is no financial game playing going on, it sure is an emotional game play, and that's just not right. At all. :glare: I'd be seriously suspicious of the motives behind this move. He should think of protecting himself and his rights. Doesn't sound suspicious to me at all. :confused: My mom contacted my bio dad at my request when I was 15 and she didn't want anything from him. I would want the DNA test though. Although I would be surprised if the mother lied about it knowing the test are so readily available. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Do any of the churches in your brother's town or closest city offer free legal clinics? I offer my time at the legal clinic in my church, and one of the things we love to do is help non-custodial parents restore relationships with their kids. Sometimes it isn't as hard to obtain visitation as one might think. Beth Thanks for the suggestion! I'll mention it to him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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