Facebook (etc) and the lack of direct, personal connectedness...

[Sharon in SC]

...We LOVE each other. A lot. But there is no time. So why in heavens name would I want to spend much time on FB with a girl from high whose boyfriend I stole?

 

That is the million dollar question in my mind. :)

[cathmom]

I As one of my very best friends said, "I don't have time for any new friends."

 

When my oldest was a toddler, I belonged to a moms' group and I heard a mom there say this. It shocked me then and it shocks me now (and I am an introvert. Oh, and 3 1/2 years ago I had twins and I had a 2 yo at the time, plus 3 others I was homeschooling). Maybe because I live in an area where people move frequently, but honestly, I hope I never close myself off to new people. Some of my best friends are people who once were not my friends, KWIM?

[Colleen]

I hope I never close myself off to new people.

 

Not having the time or desire for new friends doesn't mean one is closing oneself off to new people. One can be open to new people, get to know new people, and broaden one's horizons in the process without necessarily taking those people on as long-term friends. But as Scarlett said, time is finite and if she (for example) has some extra time, she'd rather be with someone she already loves, but with whom she's had few shared experiences of late, than pursuing a new friendship.

[Scarlett]

When my oldest was a toddler, I belonged to a moms' group and I heard a mom there say this. It shocked me then and it shocks me now (and I am an introvert. Oh, and 3 1/2 years ago I had twins and I had a 2 yo at the time, plus 3 others I was homeschooling). Maybe because I live in an area where people move frequently, but honestly, I hope I never close myself off to new people. Some of my best friends are people who once were not my friends, KWIM?

 

Hmmmm....I don't think I was saying we should close ourselves off to to new people.....my friend said that in the context of having just MET a lovely new couple....who lived 1 1/2 hours away from her....and she was telling me all about them but lamenting that she didn't have time she felt required to cultivate a close relationship with this couple. They are still friends. But truly...how many close friends can one family have?

 

So as relates the friends we have to the ones we ONCE had...say as in high school....whether or not it was a girl whose boyfriend you once stole...I think the current friends really need more priority. And I don't give those friends my time via FB.

 

That's just me though.

[Scarlett]

 

Not having the time or desire for new friends doesn't mean one is closing oneself off to new people. One can be open to new people, get to know new people, and broaden one's horizons in the process without necessarily taking those people on as long-term friends. But as Scarlett said, time is finite and if she (for example) has some extra time, she'd rather be with someone she already loves, but with whom she's had few shared experiences of late, than pursuing a new friendship.

 

Jinx....you owe me a coke....;)

[Krista in LA]

Well I just got done chatting with my cousin on Facebook. I am finding that I'm staying in touch with family members who live several states away better now that we are all on FB. I don't get to see my cousins very often and usually our only contact comes in the form of Christmas cards. I love that we are actually sending short notes to each other and I'm learning a bit more about family that I moved away from when I was 7. I have also reconnected with some old friends from high school that I literally haven't seen or talked to in 23 years. I think it has been a wonderful thing for us.

[Danestress]

 

I wonder, when you (that's a general "you") connect and reconnect with many friends via a social networking board like FB, what would happen if you no longer hang out there? Would those friends have become significant enough in your life such that the friendship actively continues? Or, as is often the case with online connections, does the relationship then ease back into the background? Rhetorical questions, of course. The dynamics of online communication are interesting, aren't they? And on that note, I've gotta get in a few miles before it's pitch black outside!

 

My guess is that after the initial fun of reconnecting with people from the past, I will just check in from time to time. I don't imagine a lot of impassioned reunions with long lost friends. There is one woman - my oldest friend in the world (our Moms were pregnant together) who I actually would like to keep. She's known me and my sisters forever and loved my parents and I adored her parents and have always regretted growing apart. Everyone else? Really fun to "see" but yes, I think the relationships will generally ease back into the background. I think few of us can sustain true friendship with more than a dozen or so people.

[nmoira]

 

My guess is that after the initial fun of reconnecting with people from the past, I will just check in from time to time

I just wanted to add that not all of us use FB to reconnect with people, so its certainly not mandatory. :) The only person I wish to remain in contact with from high school has been my best friend these many years and needs no finding. With one exception, my FB friends are people I currently associate with on some level outside of FB.

[Demal]

How weird -- I joined Facebook yesterday because my kid joined and I want to keep an eye on things. And now this thread.

 

This is somewhat off-topic from the original post, but I would urge you to join just to check it out. As your child hits his early teens, he may very well find himself in the situation where everyone else on his basketball team (or whatever) is on Facebook except him. You could reject his participation out of hand, but would that be good for your relationship? Something to think about.

 

So far (after all of one day!), I've been happy with the privacy controls and how my kid and his friends use Facebook. And it's kind of sweet to have his friends send me "Friend" requests (although it probably has more to do with upping their Friends numbers). I see that some of my long-distance (real life) friends use it passively, for receiving rather than giving out information and news, and that's how I'll do it, too.

Edited January 24, 2009 by Demal

[5kidsforME]

 

Ouch, Abbey. That was a particularly rude response, as well as inaccurate. .

 

Actually Colleen, from reading your posts it is spot on. Sometimes when we are called on things it hurts our feelings or makes us uncomfortable.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

How weird -- I joined Facebook yesterday because my kid joined and I want to keep an eye on things. And now this thread.

 

This is somewhat off-topic from the original post, but I would urge you to join just to check it out. As your child hits his early teens, he may very well find himself in the situation where everyone else on his basketball team (or whatever) is on Facebook except him. You could reject his participation out of hand, but would that be good for your relationship? Something to think about.

 

So far (after all of one day!), I've been happy with the privacy controls and how my kid and his friends use Facebook. And it's kind of sweet to have his friends send me "Friend" requests (although it probably has more to do with upping their Friends numbers). I see that some of my long-distance (real life) friends use it passively, for receiving rather than giving out information and news, and that's how I'll do it, too.

 

Will you find me, please? I'll PM you in case you don't want to dig around the WTM fb group for my ID.

[Jugglin'5]

Like many others, I originally got a Facebook account to keep tabs on my teens' pages. But I discovered that it was fun, and I renewed some old friendships. These are ladies whose company I enjoy extremely, but long-distance phone calls and extensive emails were rare because of time and money. I also HATE talking on the phone. I love the Facebook format of quick updates combined with privacy. I was a naysayer for a long time, but I am sold now. Also, it gives me a cheap way to keep in touch with DH when he is overseas ( which is a lot). He posts litte updates about his day, amusing things that he has seen, and pics. I feel like I know more about what is going on than if I spent an hour on the phone with him everyday. I get to post what the kids are doing for him, and the teens also get to communicate with him this way. I also keep in closer touch with church friends and students. It's a win-win for me. Plus, it's free.

 

 

I haven't renewed any old high school or college friendships yet. I'm not sure I want to dredge up that part of my life.

Edited January 24, 2009 by Jugglin'5

[Danestress]

Will you find me, please? I'll PM you in case you don't want to dig around the WTM fb group for my ID.

 

How would I find that?

[Jenny in Atl]

How would I find that?

 

Just type in Well Trained Mind in the search button on your main FB page. Should be up at the top. :001_smile:

[Oak Knoll Mom]

That is the million dollar question in my mind. :)

 

You don't have to be friends with her. You can ignore the friend request and then block her and never think of her again. I ignore friend requests and block people all the time.

 

Facebook is what you make it.

[Jenny in Atl]

 

Facebook is what you make it.

 

:iagree:

[Sharon in SC]

You don't have to be friends with her. You can ignore the friend request and then block her and never think of her again. I ignore friend requests and block people all the time.

 

 

 

See, that is exactly where I believe FB would break down for me. It's just not in my personality makeup to refuse ("ignore/block") friendship. :tongue_smilie:

[Tracey in TX]

See, that is exactly where I believe FB would break down for me. It's just not in my personality makeup to refuse ("ignore/block") friendship. :tongue_smilie:

Why? It's easy to accidentally request friend. S/he may not have intended to send it anymore than you desire to reconnect. You can't ask to be friends more than once, so there's no negative to saying "no".

[Sharon in SC]

Why? It's easy to accidentally request friend. S/he may not have intended to send it anymore than you desire to reconnect. You can't ask to be friends more than once, so there's no negative to saying "no".

 

Because it's to those non-accidental friend requests that I'm speaking. In those cases, the very definite negative to saying no, for me, is that essentially I'm saying, "I refuse you as my friend."

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Because it's to those non-accidental friend requests that I'm speaking. In those cases, the very definite negative to saying no, for me, is that essentially I'm saying, "I refuse you as my friend."

 

Then don't allow yourself to be "searchable." Let people who you want to interact with know you know you're there, but don't let anyone else "see" you. Then they can't ask you.

 

Seriously though, Sharon, this just sound like it's too much discomfort for you. Just let it be until such time that you feel comfortable with the format, if such a time should come. It's really not a big deal. I had a specific reason for joining FB, otherwise I would have gone my merry way like the 42 years before quite happily.

[Sharon in SC]

Seriously though, Sharon, this just sound like it's too much discomfort for you. Just let it be until such time that you feel comfortable with the format, if such a time should come. It's really not a big deal. I had a specific reason for joining FB, otherwise I would have gone my merry way like the 42 years before quite happily.

 

Thanks, Pam for validating my feelings! (Though, I wouldn't say I'm uncomfortable with the thought of FB - past the safety concerns I carry - so much as I just have yet to find a GOOD reason for me to do it). All I've been trying to say throughout this thread is I don't think FB is for me and here's why. ;)

 

I will admit, though, that I'm sure there are things about FB that my ignorance prevents me from fully appreciating all the nuances about it (the ability to not be searchable, for example). However, if I were to tap into FB as "unsearchable", I'd probably have to wonder who might be out there that I would want to find me if they had the capability! :lol: All things said, for me for this time in my life, I am most content to not tap into this particular technological venue. :tongue_smilie:

[Colleen]

Actually Colleen, from reading your posts it is spot on.

 

Not exactly. It's not spot on to say I "positively bristle(d)" when the unknown neighbor insisted on bringing us dinner. I was embarrassed, thus my post asking what to do.

 

Sometimes when we are called on things it hurts our feelings or makes us uncomfortable.

 

Yes, and there was some truth to what Abbey said. Unfortunately, the manner in which she said it rendered her advice relatively useless. On the other hand, I was asked some pointed questions by CAMom (Ronette), which were both challenging and helpful in that they forced me to think about how I handle friendships.

[abbeyej]

Yes, and there was some truth to what Abbey said. Unfortunately, the manner in which she said it rendered her advice relatively useless. On the other hand, I was asked some pointed questions by CAMom (Ronette), which were both challenging and helpful in that they forced me to think about how I handle friendships.

 

I'm sorry you felt that to be so. Your own posting style tends to be quite blunt, so I thought you might appreciate bluntness in return. I did not intend what I said to be cruel.

[5kidsforME]

 

Not exactly. It's not spot on to say I "positively bristle(d)" when the unknown neighbor insisted on bringing us dinner. I was embarrassed, thus my post asking what to do.

 

Well, you could be right here, I never read that thread.

 

 

 

Yes, and there was some truth to what Abbey said. Unfortunately, the manner in which she said it rendered her advice relatively useless. On the other hand, I was asked some pointed questions by CAMom (Ronette), which were both challenging and helpful in that they forced me to think about how I handle friendships.

 

I agree with Abbey below though. You are very very blunt when you post. I find it surprising that you are upset that someone would respond bluntly to your post. And Actually I didn't see any rudeness in Abbys response. Just calling a spade a spade. Again, I never did read the neighbor thread so on that point I could be wrong..

[jamnkats]

Isn't there a sort of irony in complaining about an internet social network to your internet message board friends? :)

 

I really enjoy Facebook, but not for close friends. For close friends, I call, write, e-mail, etc. I have for years, and I'll always do so. Some of them I also see on Facebook, but I don't usually post things for them there. If a close friend had not told me some big noew, and I'd heard it from another, I'd probably give them a quick call to find out what's up. But, my close friends don't post big things on FB, so right now it's a non-issue.

 

Facebook has been wonderful for re-connecting with acquaintances. I suppose if I had lived in one place for the majority of my adult life I might eschew FB as well. But growing up, I'd lived in 10 different cities by the time I was 10 years old. I spent the next 20 years in Boise. (4 years in Oregon for college). Since 2001 I've lived in 6 different cities.

 

I have met TONS of people. I have LEFT tons of people. There's no way I could write/ call/ e-mail every one of them in hopes of keeping up a casual acquaintance.

 

On Facebook, I've reconnected with people I went to grade school and high school with. I've reconnected with college friends. I've reconnected with old friends of my parents. I see pictures of their families and video of their children.

 

At least 10 of my former students have looked me up on Facebook. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to see these former-10-year-olds who are now grown up, married, and having children. I love seeing their pictures and marveling at how they've grown and yet I can still see the little person I once knew.

 

I am so thankful for a way to keep in touch and reconnect with these people. It's like having the joy of a Christmas newsletter all year long.

 

But for close friends - nope, I prefer to interact with them face-to-face.

 

*I feel the need to add that I'm not being critical of those who choose not to use FB. The way someone chooses to spend their time is a choice. We all do that which we feel will most benefit us. For me, I wish to stay in touch with as many people as I can, and FB is a tool that enables me to do that. But, of course, it's not for everybody. Just because you find usefulness in X doesn't mean that everyone will.

 

This is exactly how I feel about FB. I joined only because my 14yo was setup on FB during our annual US visit and I wanted to see what it was about. I really love it for quickies. But then again, we're SUPER isolated - both from the US, our friends and family but also even from Mexico herself. We're 6km from the nearest pueblo and 18km from the nearest town. FB allows me to connect without having to put a lot of thought into the process. Reading this thread just reminded me of an old childhood friend (I'm 48, so it was a LONG time ago) that I'm now going to look for on FB.

 

I'm sorry you were hurt, Colleen. I don't have really good friends on FB - I have only 1 real friend in the world. I use it for virtual friends.

[Jana]

When I first read your thread, I smiled at the irony. Not at you of course or your situation, or that fact you feel slighted.

 

But I have to ask, do we know about your feelings before your friends in real life?

 

I grant you there are differences in the circumstances, but I think some meaningful analogs can be draw between you posting things here and what you have described your friends doing on Facebook.