LBC Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 I have four children, and I have always encouraged them to be involved in activities outside of our homeschooling. Three of them are keen to do things, and one (ds 11) prefers to be home all the time. The one who prefers to stay home tends to be hesitant to try new things, and likes to feel in control of his environment. A homeschooling friend of mine is putting on a musical production, and two of my dc will be participating. I really want ds 11 to do it, but he's insisting on staying home. My oldest has another activity on rehearsal night, so she can't babysit him, and I don't like the idea of him staying home alone for two hours without some sort of accountability. I was hoping dh and I could have a date night while everybody is out (this is not our only date night option, since the kids are old enough to stay home without us for a couple of hours). I also want to encourage ds to try new things, and I'm worried that if he continues to avoid these types of situations that it will become a lifelong habit. I also think that the music and drama would be a good addition to his education. What do you think? Should I "make" him participate? Dh thinks I should, but I'm not convinced that it's the way to go. 98% of the time he is the most compliant of all my children, but when he digs his heels in, it's difficult to change his mind. Lori Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Yes, absolutely. I did this in the fall. We've put our four younger boys in school, but this would have happened either way. I signed the three younger boys (11, 13, 14) for community soccer this fall. DS 14 had a living fit. He claimed to hate soccer, etc. I laid down the law and told him that he was going. As an aside, this is a highly gifted child who is very, very happy in his set little world. School has gone over just fine, but he's very content to be home and read and not do anything else. So...soccer. He freaked. He complained. He was *miserable*...until the first practice. Which he loved. Which he could not get enough of. And this child is bugging me daily to sign him up for spring soccer. All in all, know your child. If you think something will be good for him/her, you are probably right. Ria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Hen Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 My 12yo sounds similar to your 11yo. He's a couch potato, loves to stay home, didn't want us to go away last summer on a cross-country camping trip,..... Last February my oldest joined an inline speed skating team. After a month of taking him to practice I dragged the 12yo son along. I had to drag him along for the first couple months. We just returned from a skate meet and this kid so enjoys the sport he wouldn't dream of not doing it. Oh, and we did go on that cross-country camping trip---the boys and I, away from home for 66 days, camping, hiking, sleeping in a tent on the ground...... 12yo DS is talking about our next trip. In my world sometimes a parent just has to lead the kid to the activity. After a little while the kid may find they really do love it too. Carole Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 I have four children, and I have always encouraged them to be involved in activities outside of our homeschooling. Three of them are keen to do things, and one (ds 11) prefers to be home all the time. The one who prefers to stay home tends to be hesitant to try new things, and likes to feel in control of his environment. Lori My ds is 11. We recently signed him up for basketball, he was so hesitant, okay he threw a fit, about going the first night. A few months ago he wanted to but had "changed his mind". We forced him to go and he has had a good time. I think it's important because... 1. it teaches them how to work with others 2. gets them out of their comfort zone (I'm still working on that one) 3. shows them they won't die if they have to appear in front of others 4. gives them confidence when encouragement comes from someone besides mom and dad. My ds likes to control his environment too. We simply told him he must pursue something extra curricular because that is part of school. I think it is easy at that age to build a wall around yourself and your surroundings and not stretch yourself. We do like to have some control over what he is involved in. Baseball was a horrid experience and we won't make him repeat it. The basketball league is more gentle with emphasis on teamwork. If your other kids will be there I would be tempted to make him do it. If he truly hates it, then he doesn't have to repeat it next time. That's our philosophy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Outside activities I require are those which have a relationship to health or education. My dc are required to do lessons or summer swim team until after age 12--a fitness and safety requirement in my house. Year round dc are to be involved in a physical fitness activity of their choosing. At times we've had outside classes that filled an academic need more efficiently than I could fill it. I would not require an activity of a child this age if it was not required for my homeschool purposes. If I decided I wanted "theater arts" in our curriculum, that's how I'd present it. Unless a child has a disability (social, emotional, or intellectual), at 11 he will know what enjoys. Some people are quiet, introspective and completely drained by group activities. Forcing it on him for your convenience can make him resentful. You could be setting yourself up for night being late to rehearsal because of his passive aggressive dawdling and then you'd be angry at him. He could misbehave or just not participate once there. Even not participating will be a pain for the person running the program. You'll be mad at him for the money you spent on him. The money he didn't want you to spend. Honestly, even for a "good kid" this could be more of a headache than you want. In the back of his mind it could another example of how mom and dad just never tried to get to know me and made be like the rest of the family (wait that's my childhood). I have a friend who has a rule. The first time one of her children shows any sign of not liking an activity is the last time they attend. She does not nag her children to practice when they've had music lesson. She doesn't get their stuff together for sports practice. Her feeling is with 6 dc (4 still at home now) all her efforts need to be channeled to school work. So, she doesn't put any effort into outside activities (she is ready to drive when they come get her to go). This is how she stays mentally focused on the goals of her homeschool. It depends on the 11 yo and your jurisdiction, but I wouldn't see a problem with 2 hours for most 11 yo being home. Finally, you can call the woman running the program. If your son is artistic, maybe there is a behind the scenes job working on set design he can do without a lot of group interaction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LBC Posted January 18, 2009 Author Share Posted January 18, 2009 If he truly hates it, then he doesn't have to repeat it next time. As I read this, I realized that he was involved in this same choir a few years ago. I was able to coax him into it because one of his friends was reluctantly participating. He did it, but he didn't enjoy it, and doesn't want to repeat it. I should also mention that he does ski with us in the winter, and although he is less enthusiastic than my other dc, he participates willingly. He makes friends easily, so I'm not worried about that. He was at school for a year, and amazed me by handling the experience better than any of my other children.:confused: I still have a couple of hours before I need to decide. Lori Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 As I read this, I realized that he was involved in this same choir a few years ago. I was able to coax him into it because one of his friends was reluctantly participating. He did it, but he didn't enjoy it, and doesn't want to repeat it. I should also mention that he does ski with us in the winter, and although he is less enthusiastic than my other dc, he participates willingly. He makes friends easily, so I'm not worried about that. He was at school for a year, and amazed me by handling the experience better than any of my other children.:confused: I still have a couple of hours before I need to decide. Lori With that perspective, I probably wouldn't make him repeat the experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 I agree with Betty. There may be some things I require, at least temporarily, but I'd have to have a REALLY good reason (and the child doesn't have a better alternative). For example, volunteer work is a must. How/when/etc it is done can be discussed. Exercise is a must, but I'm open to what it is. Music is a must (for certain ages), but the student has a say. I do have to say that I don't agree with pulling a child from something just because they don't like it. For example, kids tend to be excited about music lessons but a couple months into realize it's real work and will take a long time before they really sound great. I think they should stick with it long enough to see if they enjoy it when they have enough ability to be decent at it. But generally, I wouldn't push most things. If he doesn't want to do a theater production, okay. Also, as an introvert IRL, I really would rather not do a lot of things. I do some because I feel it's right but I need recovery time. For example, a friend of mine was worried when I put some extra time into some volunteer work in Nov because she knows I tend to crash. Part of that is physical, but some of that sort of thing is just that I need a balance of more alone time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 :iagree:with what Betty said. with 1 exception, if my kid asks to enter a certain extra curriculiar, then I do insist they give their best to the end of the commitment I paid for. IOW, if I paid for a semester activity, then they will attend and do their best for the entire semester. If at the end, they are no longer interested - fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracey in TX Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Yes, I would (and have) required a child to participate in activities. If they aren't open to new experiences, then that is the child who MOST needs to spread his wings and be exposed to a new environment. DS (12) was horribly shy, momma's boy as a young child. I peeled him off of me to participate in soccer initially, preschool, kindergarten, music lessons, etc. He still doesn't like change, but has grown to accept it. The proudest parenting moment was when he attended a five-day/night soccer camp without knowing a soul. He was entirely on his own. If he never played another sport, , we had surpassed our goal of expanding his experiences. If it were my child, I would tell him I love him enough to require this participation. Not to be mean-spirited, but because great things come from stretching ourselves and taking us out of our comfort zones. Plus, there is logistics issues... Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Oh yes, I agree with the commitment. If child asked and I paid then they must actively participate until the end of the period paid for. Music lessons are generally monthly payment. Nonclub sports are about a 3 month commitment. Some people count music as part of education and in that case it's part of school and the child has no choice. The OPs situation sounds like it's not really part of an educational goal and it is meant to be fun, but it doesn't sound like fun for this particular child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebug42 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I would say no. I have two children who love to participate in theatre etc and it becomes painfully obvious in a group of children which ones are there of their own free will. For some people, activities like this are just torture and if he has tried it before and still hated it, then I would not force the issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I would insist mine were out doing some sort of extra curricular activity, but I would never push anything that required performing. In your situation, I'd also want him involved so I could have a date night, but instead of acting, I'd insist he learn how to work the lights or sound instead. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deb in NZ Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I require our dc to involved in a physical activity (i.e. a sport), an artistic activity (i.e. learning an instrument), & a social activity (i.e. scouts). One of the acivities must be of a team nature (usually a team sport, but band does count as a team in my book). My ds#1 would stay home glued to the TV if we let him. But by requiring him over the years to be involved he has grown & developed physically, socially, & emotionally in ways he would never had if we let him stay home. Dd & ds#2 will sign up for as many activities as there are days if they had their way! We are finding that what our dc do outside of "school" is as important, if not more important, as what they learn during "school." Dd wants to be a ranger with the Department of Conservation & the activities she's taken part in as a Girl Guide, Venturer Scout, Young Mariner, etc. have provided very valuable skills towards her goals. JMHO, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen in NS Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I would not require an activity of a child this age if it was not required for my homeschool purposes. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mktkcb Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 yep, I do. Some of the extras are ones they have chosen, but not all. A local christian college started a homeschool choir last fall, and I *knew* my 15yo dd needed to do it. She loves to sing, plays violin, is involved in musical theater, but I felt like a formal choir situation would be good. And I knew there would be lots of kids she knew. Oh. My. Goodness. She freaked out! Stormed around for a good 2 weeks prior to it starting. The weeping. The wailing. After the first night.......she loves it. A special friend that she hasn't been able to see for quite awhile ended up being there also. I was nice and *tried* not to say "I told you you'd like it" too much. It's been a great experience, the director is young, energetic, and very qualified. They are learning a good variety of music from classical to spirituals, to theater songs. So, I definitely believe some kids need to get their **tts kicked - judiciously of course - into certain things. With this particular dd, it is usually an issue of not wanting Mom to decide, period. There is a fine line to be walked, though. In your circumstance, I'd make him do it. Tell him it's for school, and he has no choice, so there....! He won't die, and it will build character (you can tell him that also......"It'll build character, son!"). Go for it. Kayleen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tohru Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 It doesn't matter if he gets stubborn. You are the mom and he is only 11yo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I require my kids to have some kind of sport going most of the year from 10 and up. It can be competative or just for fun. Once every couple of weeks or 6 days a week. Just something to get them out with other kids thier age. I would never force a kids to do a preformace. I don't like to preform in front of people and it would be a very negative experience for me to be forced into it. I never got anything positive out of public preformances. Can you give him some other options? Do you have community ed classes in your area? Maybe there are other offerings you can consider. Do you have a friend who could use a mother's helper for a few hours in the evening? Does the person who is coordinating the show need a stage hand or a personal assistant? There are sooo many options for kids, maybe you just need to look for something that suits his interests? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhonda in TX Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 He would also stay home all the time, given the choice. That's not healthy, though, so we do force the issue. He is in a homeschool orchestra and the youth group at church. We don't make him go to all the youth activities (for example, we did not make him go on the camping trip this weekend), but enough to keep him connected. Orchestra is good because he learns how to work with a group towards a common goal. He moans and he complains, but he usually enjoys it once it's all said and done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
H.S. Burrow Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I have four children, and I have always encouraged them to be involved in activities outside of our homeschooling. Three of them are keen to do things, and one (ds 11) prefers to be home all the time. The one who prefers to stay home tends to be hesitant to try new things, and likes to feel in control of his environment. A homeschooling friend of mine is putting on a musical production, and two of my dc will be participating. I really want ds 11 to do it, but he's insisting on staying home. My oldest has another activity on rehearsal night, so she can't babysit him, and I don't like the idea of him staying home alone for two hours without some sort of accountability. I was hoping dh and I could have a date night while everybody is out (this is not our only date night option, since the kids are old enough to stay home without us for a couple of hours). I also want to encourage ds to try new things, and I'm worried that if he continues to avoid these types of situations that it will become a lifelong habit. I also think that the music and drama would be a good addition to his education. What do you think? Should I "make" him participate? Dh thinks I should, but I'm not convinced that it's the way to go. 98% of the time he is the most compliant of all my children, but when he digs his heels in, it's difficult to change his mind. Lori Our kids are required to participate in extra-curricular activites such as 4-H, soccer, scouts, and swim to name a few. But I would never force a child to participate in musical or dramatic production. At his age, he knows whether being on stage in front of others is what he wants to do or not. Some kids like it and some don't. If they need help behind the scenes, then that is a different matter all together. If you just want him to watch the production then, yes, I might encourage him to go. HTH!:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Yes, I have no problem making a child do something for a time. I had ds do karate for 6 months and he didnt like it but dd and I were doing it and I jsut wanted him to give it a decent go. We just said "its aschool subject, sorry, you dont get a choice". Its not forcing him to do something alone with strangers- its part of the family dynamic to be involved in something his siblings are involved in- for a time. If he still doesn't want to be involved in a few months, reconsider. However every famiyl is going to have different dynamics around these issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I also want to encourage ds to try new things, and I'm worried that if he continues to avoid these types of situations that it will become a lifelong habit. Lori This is a legitimate concern. Believe me, I am married to one! My husband was introverted and shy - a home body - and his parents catered to that instead of encouragingly helping him to overcome it. Even just eating out was stressful for him so his parents let him stay home while the rest of the family went out to eat and they brough him something back. It has taken him years to overcome this. (which he has) We both recognized that this was going to be a problem for our son and decided to do the opposite. Many times we "made" him participate in activities. Sometimes with him screaming and crying all the way to the event. However, we did it with understanding and love and it worked out great - he is now the life of the party! Not shy at all. He used to HATE and fear anything new or different. Sometimes we took baby steps. When he was 5 I signed him up for T-ball. He screamed and cried all the way to his first practice. When I tried to get him out of the car, he held the seat belt so I couldn't unlatch it. I told him, "We are getting out of the car. We are going over to those bleechers and sitting down for 15 minutes to watch. When the time is up, we will go home. Now wipe your face and let's go." We sat on the bleechers and five minutes later, he says, "Mom, can I go play with the team now?" He played baseball through high school! When he was 7, he screamed in the car all the way to Six Flags! He had seen the comercials on TV, saw all the kids having fun, and still - it was new to him so he was terrified! He screamed, "You can't make me go there!" I just held his hand and said, "I know you're scared but we are going and you have to come. I will be with you the whole time and you don't have to ride anything you don't want to." After 30 minutes, he thought it was the most wonderful place on earth! Eventually this boy, who was petrified of ANYTHING new, went on to become a drummer who preformed in front of crowds of thousands and then a US Marine. So my rules would be: 1. When the whole family goes somewhere - you come too. Don't care if you don't want to. 2. You HAVE to participate in at least 1 activity. (sport, performance, 4-H, what ever, you pick ) 3. You HAVE to go to church fuctions. (Awanas or youth group depending on age) Having said ALL that - I would NEVER require a child to participate in a performance such as singing or acting in front of people. ( choir, band etc is fine since it is a group thing and not a spotlight on them individually) That would have sent ALL of my children AND my husband over the edge! Some people are just NOT preformers and experience severe anxiety at the thought of it. ( my whole family) Sorry so long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karenciavo Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I do, just did twice in fact. My oldest hates to out of his comfort zone and I make him do things that he is able to do and enjoys doing, but prefers not do to because he doesn't know anybody and prefers to stay home. I wouldn't make him do things I know he's not into. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 :iagree:with what Betty said. with 1 exception, if my kid asks to enter a certain extra curriculiar, then I do insist they give their best to the end of the commitment I paid for. IOW, if I paid for a semester activity, then they will attend and do their best for the entire semester. If at the end, they are no longer interested - fine. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I do encourage them to try something new, but do not require it. They have to take at least 1 thing per season, but it is up to them what that thing is. The exception is with my DS, he was asked to try out for the drill team in cadets, but his anxiety started to get the better of him and made him fearful. I don't want him hidng from opportunities because of his anxiety disorder, so I gave him the hoice to either try out for drill team or try out ballroom dancing at the class my parents attend(they need more boys my son's age), he opted for drill team, and made it. Sunday at practice they are announcing the actual teams. In a normal scenario I would have just let him stick with the regular cadet stuff and not forcd my hand when it came to the drill team, but he needed that little push to get passed fear that was holding him back. In general though they tend to do 1 sports/active activity and one that is more musical/artistic etc. The exception is this term, my dd is taking music and sewing, and my ds5 is not in anthing. ONce march comes around we will pick up anothe physical activity until baseball/soccer season starts, then our schedule gets so busy I am telling them they can not do extra things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LBC Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 I thought I'd follow up to let you know that I decided not to make him do the theater production, but I did let him know that he needs to choose an activity. He's decided to try badminton.:001_huh: I never would have thought that badminton would be on the list of "If you could do anything at all, what would it be?". Different strokes for different folks, right? Thanks for all the input. It helped me to realize that it was time to get him out there. My other 3 children do synchronized swimming, dance, karate, voice lessons, drum lessons, choir, and more. Lori Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 As a young teen, he was the type of kid who would've just stayed home all the time except for church and his once-a-week piano lesson. Although he protested, I required him to go to the aforementioned drama group, and I told him that he could drop it IF he selected something else to get involved with instead. He did. Now as a college student, he is very well-adjusted socially, and popular with his peers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sagira Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Interesting thread. I want ds to be in a group setting for one extra-curricular activity as he is not too good in group settings yet. So far I've kept him out of things like that, but at five I thought karate would be great for him, but he's not interested. He wants to do tennis. I guess I wasn't prepared for how opinionated he would be -- he really knows what he wants and doesn't -- and dd (17 mos) seems to be wired the same :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phathui5 Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I wouldn't make him participate because it's not one of those things where you can quit in good conscience if you really do hate it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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