Citrusheights5 Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 We are trying to define WHAT grounded means to us.. Because of sleeping arrangements, confinement to the room is meaningless. Their are DS's, TV w/ DVD/VCR players (no cable), Stereo's, I pods, Books, etcetcetc. My DD would LOVE nothing more than to be locked in her room with nothing but books. It is the #1 reason she gets in trouble. Books at the table, and ignoring the family and getting lost for 8+ hours a day if allowed, her brother is not allowed to get so lost in his video games that he does not respond to his family, and so we do not accept this from DD just because it is reading. We have a great room concept so being at the dinning room table, kitchen, or living room, means being part of "the fun". I am trying to nail down the specifics of what grounded means in our home, and was curious to see what it means to others... :bigear: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 once in a while I have to enforce the "if you can't be nice with your brother, you can't play with other people" rule, but not often. I'm not sure what the problem is with your daughter and reading. If you want her to put the book down and join the family in an activity, can't you just tell her to do that? Can't you just tell her "no reading at the table?" Or when you say it's the #1 way she gets in trouble, do you mean that you ask her to do it and she refuses? If she's beligerant and argumentative, then grounding would look different for me than it would look if you just want her to be less obsessed with books. I have two boys who definitely loose themselves in books, and sometimes they don't even realize I am talking to them because they are so into what they are reading. For me, this doesn't seem like a discipline issue. I just say, "Finish that page and then take the garbage out" or whatever. I might have to actually touch them to get their attention, but I don't really mind. I don't insist my kids join in family "fun" if they would rather be alone. I guess I am an introvert myself. If it feels fun to them, they WANT to join, and if it's fun for me but not them, who am I to call it fun? If a child is argumentative, aggressive, rude here, I tend to send them to their beds for 20 minutes of no talking, no reading, no games. Just go lie on your bed and come back ready to discuss this. My younger boys are really polite and well behaved though, and that's all I have needed. With my oldest, we had to limit time with peers as grounding because his desire to appeal to peers often got him in trouble. So for him, grounding might be restriction to the house without electronics (which he didn't have alot of access to anyway since DH is adamently opposed to video games in the house). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 We don't use grounding. I really think it's more problematic than helpful. It also encourages kids to think of themselves and their deprivation instead of whatever the original issue was. Logical restrictions are rarely used unless built in such as "once you are finished with X, you may do Y." I'm sure someone here grounds their kids so might be able to help but you might consider not using such punishments. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamnkats Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 We don't ground, but we also don't punish. I can't imagine punishing a kid for reading though! :) I have to assume I'm misunderstanding something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Citrusheights5 Posted January 17, 2009 Author Share Posted January 17, 2009 It is more an attitude/ policy issue than a problem with reading.. I get absolutely lost in books myself, (and she takes after me) but I also have my responsibilities to deal with. She is having problems putting down the book to do ANYTHING else. She will read 18 hours a day, everyday. I feel that if I have said no books at the table as a general rule, and EVERYONE down to the 3 year old knows it, then I should not walk into the room 5 times a week, and find her trying to read a book over lunch. Again her brother has the same problem with his video games. So we try to keep it to a "attitude" thing as apposed to reading vs video game. It is an inability to self regulate, along with entitlement, and trying to get away with something they know is against the rules. Because of this we are now moving to a grounding policy, because the effect of loosing something is just not effective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vansolkema1996 Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 My DD is 12 and have learned that grounding does not work so I have started giving her extra chores when she does things that are total uncalled for and pray with her and for her. She is 12 so she really doesn't do to much of that anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Ds has been "grounded" from reading anything other than schoolbooks for the day. He has also been "grounded" from using his computer for a period of time (once for a whole week). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datmama4 Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 confinement to the room is meaningless. Their are DS's, TV w/ DVD/VCR players (no cable), Stereo's, I pods, Books, etcetcetc. :bigear: We have one TV and it's in the living room, a game system attached to it, and that's pretty much it. We've never felt that the kids should have TV/video/computer, etc. in their rooms because we saw that as isolating family members from each other (and wanted to make sure the computer/s are in a central location). Our punishment for the kids is typically taking time off their game/computer turns -- we allow each of them two 30-minute turns per day, so that time is pretty valuable to them. When they were younger and we didn't have a computer or video game system, we'd send them to OUR room for punishment. They could sit on the bed and do nothing, since none of their toys or books was there, and none of our books were interesting to them. Booorrrring. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 We have grounding, which means not going out side. We have restriction from things, ie video, computer, TV, etc. Either can last from a day to a week depending on the infraction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datmama4 Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 It is more an attitude/ policy issue than a problem with reading.. I get absolutely lost in books myself, (and she takes after me) but I also have my responsibilities to deal with. So we try to keep it to a "attitude" thing as apposed to reading vs video game. It is an inability to self regulate, along with entitlement, and trying to get away with something they know is against the rules. Because of this we are now moving to a grounding policy, because the effect of loosing something is just not effective. I hadn't realized the above when I answered your post...I suffer from the same problem (wanting to read as much as possible) but the only way I've been able to combat it is to "reward" myself with the reading after accomplishing other things. We do have a rule that no one reads or brings toys to the table when we have supper, but our lunches are a lot looser, so the kids almost always read their "pleasure" books then, and at bedtime. Perhaps you could allow your daughter a certain (timed with a timer) amount of reading time as a "break" during the day in between chores and/or school things. It's difficult to stop, but if she knows there are built-in breaks scheduled for her, perhaps it will help her to self-regulate. I agree, too, that it's an attitude issue -- even "good" things can be overdone if the necessary work is getting ignored -- and I think it's great that you're taking a stand on it now, while your children are young enough to be molded and develop good lifelong habits. Lynda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Lee, Do you have set RULES about the behavior you want to change? It sounds like you expect her to just understand and follow "common courtesy" but a rule would make things clear as day. Simply, "you may not read at a meal." If you made a couple reasonable rules like the above, wouldn't she follow them? The second way I'd do it is to make a routine around problem times. Before meals, she can be the one that sets the book down on her bed, washes her hands, sets the table, and then eats. A routine that gets her involved would also make it where she didn't have a book at the table, for example. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhonda in TX Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Going to their room is not a punishment, although I will send them there if I feel they need to take a break for some reason. They have books and toys in their room. DD also has a desk for her drawing. So, that is not a punishment. They do lose privileges like computer, TV, and video games. I also try to make the punishment fit the crime, but I'm not always successful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Citrusheights5 Posted January 17, 2009 Author Share Posted January 17, 2009 Lee, Do you have set RULES about the behavior you want to change? It sounds like you expect her to just understand and follow "common courtesy" but a rule would make things clear as day. Simply, "you may not read at a meal." If you made a couple reasonable rules like the above, wouldn't she follow them? The second way I'd do it is to make a routine around problem times. Before meals, she can be the one that sets the book down on her bed, washes her hands, sets the table, and then eats. A routine that gets her involved would also make it where she didn't have a book at the table, for example. Lately we have been having more of an issue with my DS than with DD, but it is essentially the same problem, just one involves video games, and the other books. The rule is set, it has been discussed (to death), reminded daily in some cases for a weeks, and still not being respected. I get the "oh I forgot". So I am looking at different methods of consequences, because the ones that we have tried and discussing are just not working. We are talking this issue into "background noise ", they are noticing it is all bark, and no bite, and running with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Governess Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 What about taking away the book for the rest of the day if she can't "remember" and respect the family rule? I have a similar obsessiveness with books and having to wait a whole day to find out what happens next would definitely have an impact on me. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Citrusheights5 Posted January 17, 2009 Author Share Posted January 17, 2009 I agree, too, that it's an attitude issue -- even "good" things can be overdone if the necessary work is getting ignored -- and I think it's great that you're taking a stand on it now, while your children are young enough to be molded and develop good lifelong habits. Lynda I do the same thing. I have been known to swear off whole days to read a new book. But I try to make them far and few between, while rewarding myself. It is hard when you are a "reader" to put it down. It is really hard to explain that I need my DD to put down the book. She was initially pulled from Public School because she spent 5 hours of the school day reading in between lessons, or even reading while the teacher was teaching a lesson. The fact that my rules are just not being respected at all is making me say "you are grounded from your books for 2 days!!!!!" because it is what will affect her, and make her realize it the most. Just trying to figure out how to enforce it with 4 bookcases in her room alone!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcjlkplus3 Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 I do the same thing. I have been known to swear off whole days to read a new book. But I try to make them far and few between, while rewarding myself. It is hard when you are a "reader" to put it down. It is really hard to explain that I need my DD to put down the book. She was initially pulled from Public School because she spent 5 hours of the school day reading in between lessons, or even reading while the teacher was teaching a lesson. The fact that my rules are just not being respected at all is making me say "you are grounded from your books for 2 days!!!!!" because it is what will affect her, and make her realize it the most. Just trying to figure out how to enforce it with 4 bookcases in her room alone!!! Does she just want to read the book she is reading? Or will she just pick up another book and start that one? In my rebellious youth, my mom tried to ground me from reading, it didn't work, she wasn't home when I got home from school, so I would read then (also at school). I would have rather reread books than do my homework (I did say rebellious youth, right??). If it is a matter of just wanting to read the current book - I would give one reminder, and then take that book away for the rest of the day (or however long you deem appropriate). I'm not sure what would work if it is general rebelliousness - maybe take the bookcases out and box up her books for a time - and only let her have the ones she needs for school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buddhabelly Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Honestly, I opened this thread to post about being grounded, you know, in one's authentic nature. Grounded as in speaking from one's root intention and not going on and on about stuff that one does not care about or believe in. Hee. So, um, bye. :leaving: Julie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Lee, Well, I don't LIKE it much (because something seems "wrong" about restricting books) but a logical consequence is that you lose the privilage of the activity for a time. If it were me, and I just felt I had to "bite" then it would be a mild consequence first. For example, if kiddo brings DS or book to table, they get to put it on top of the fridge (or on mom's dresser or something) until after the next meal. If kiddo didn't learn in a couple times, I might take it for the rest of the day or even the weekend or whatever. "forgetting" is a frequently used way of not taking responsibility and is not allowed in my home. I'm likely to "forget" that I don't believe in using punishment to control children. LOL One more option before you get to this step. I like to sit my kids down and say, "This is what I'm thinking of doing to handle this problem. Do you have another/better idea?" This gives them one last chance to find a solution otherwise you'll have to use consequences (logical or even punitive). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 We don't do an across the board grounding. Watching my brother get grounded as a child made me realize that it didn't work for him so we will probably only consider it after everything else hasn't worked. So, we take away ds time, usually by the hour for smaller offenses like hitting or name calling but entire days for really bad behavior. This is really effective for my 8yo. We really haven't discovered a currency for our 5yo but time outs still work for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alpidarkomama Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 LOL... when I saw the subject header I was thinking, um, "well-connected to reality???" :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Our groundings are specific to offenses. If dd10 was breaking our rule of toys/books at the table then the consequence would be only allowing a certain time each day for reading. Say after dinner, or between the hours of 3-5 and 7-9, book being given to me in downtimes. But (!) I would encourage her to help set those limits and allow her to have dialogue with me about why, when, where it was appropriate. Even if she had nothing else to do in those hours...no books allowed for a week or so. Just long enough for her to break a habit and start to fill the time with something else. If she broke the assigned hour rule then it would become a obedience issue. In our house, privileges and freedoms are based on actions. So if a child is disobedient they start loosing their freedoms. Playing outside (unless that is something your trying to encourage), TV-Video Games-Electronics are off limits, phone calls, friends.... We look at what will reflect the offense the most accurately and each grounding is unique. A comment we use is ... You will be treated the age you act. If you act like your two, then you get treated like you are two. Constant supervision, no food choices, naps, no electronics, bed at 8pm, limited basic toys, no elaborate art supplies (crayons, and watercolor paints ok), and etc. We don't say how long groundings last at our house, so they are based on the child's attitudes and actions while on grounding. There can be too much of Any good thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 We have only grounded a child once so far. My kids are young so we haven't had much use for it. We grouned our 5 year old from having friends over for a week. That's all so far. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 We have grounded from things. ie. No video games for a week and I have even taken away a book until school work and chores were finished. :iagree: And social activities. Try not to take those away, but sometimes it's simply required. (i.e. The child who is being "anti-social" at home is certainly not going to be allowed out to be social with his friends.) Most of our issues deal with raging testosterone though, and the best cure for that is hard work, very hard work. humph. . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I've got 4 kids, ages 23, 22, 17 and 7. I used to shout, "You're grounded!" Untill I realized how silly I sounded because no one even knew what that meant. I eventually did away with the word "grounded" altogether and set specific consequences usually related to the offense. If I walked into the room and found my daughter reading at the table AFTER I had told her several times not to, I would simply take the book away. Same goes for the video games. Just take it away. If there is bad attitude - I send my kids for a jog to the barn and back - more attitude - more trips. I get to count while I watch out the window. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetbaby Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 no tv no games no outside activities no telephone communication with friends no sleep overs or play dates just the usual chores but reading is allowed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 (edited) Level 1: no computer, no tv, no video games, no telephone (taken away one at a time) Level 2: no social life I have grounded a child from reading for pleasure. Boy, did that feel strange. The child, however, was locking himself in the bathroom to read during school and chore times, and was reading his book instead of doing his school work. Nothing I did or said worked to change his behavior, so eventually he was grounded. Edited January 19, 2009 by RoughCollie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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