WWYD: Seeking Forgiveness or at least Closure

[Jean in Newcastle]

In high school I was taken in by a teacher and his family after I was expelled from my dormitory. One of his daughters was in my class at school. This family was wonderful for me. Because of this family I know how a functional family functions! I have nothing but feelings of love and gratitude toward this family.

 

In college I had a very difficult time. I won't go into all that happened during that time but the stress was so bad that I was suffering black-outs. I'm not sure why I did this or even what exactly I did but I do know that I wrote a letter to the daughter of the family I mentioned above. I believe that I said something to the effect of needing some time to work things out in my life. Note that my memory of that time is very impaired and I don't know exactly what I wrote. Undoubtedly I did not do a very good job communicating because I'm sure I didn't mean to hurt her or to cut her out of my life. A couple of months later I wrote a letter to her parents. They wrote back to me telling me that they no longer wanted to communicate with me due to the way I had treated their daughter. Right after that all h*ll broke loose in my life (even worse than before) and it was some time before I was able to think about this relationship.

 

For years I have had regrets about the loss of this relationship. Or at least the loss of their regard for me when I have never wavered in my regard for all of them. A couple of years ago my high school class had a reunion in an area near where the daughter lives (because our high school was overseas and we live all over, our reunions jump from place to place to give people a chance to attend them on occasion). The daughter e-mailed me at the time telling me that if I attended the reunion she wanted to get together with me. Unfortunately we didn't have the money for me to go. I replied by e-mail to that effect and made an attempt to make amends by telling her that I have fond feelings for her family. I did not apologize specifically for how I hurt her because I guess I'm not totally sure specifically how I hurt her and it seemed callous to say that. I also wrote a small paragraph about my current life hoping that she might write back. She never did. A mutual friend told me at that time that the daughter had shared feeling deeply hurt about what I had done to her even 20 years later.

 

Last month she sent an e-mail to our high school class list telling us that her younger brother is ill with cancer. I would like to respond by telling her that I'm thinking and praying for him. I'm pretty sure that would be ok. But would you also try to explain some of the past situation? And how do I admit that while I know that I hurt her deeply, I don't actually remember the specifics?

[Michelle in MO]

Last month she sent an e-mail to our high school class list telling us that her younger brother is ill with cancer. I would like to respond by telling her that I'm thinking and praying for him. I'm pretty sure that would be ok. But would you also try to explain some of the past situation? And how do I admit that while I know that I hurt her deeply, I don't actually remember the specifics?

 

by telling her that you are thinking about his brother and praying for him.

 

I guess my recommendation (and again, think and pray about this before acting) would be to take a deep breath before writing the rest of your letter. I would write a letter, if possible, not an e-mail. I would then perhaps say that you are really sorry for the breach in your relationship with her, and I personally don't think it hurts at all to explain what a difficult and confusing time in your life college was. I would continue to explain a little about this without going into too much detail. I would then explain very clearly that you had no intention of hurting her or her family in any way, but that you were working through some very intense issues in your life and were not even able to remember some of the specifics. I would open the door for further communication with her and tell her that if she would like to explain her side of the situation more, you'd be happy to hear her out. Emphasize again that you had no intention of hurting her or her family, but you were going through enough at the time that you have no specific memories.

 

Beyond that, you'll have to wait and see how it works out. Once you've tried to do what you believe you should do in order to mend the relationship, the responsibility lies with the other person to respond. They have a responsibility as well to be willing to forgive and let go of the situation, or hang onto it and become more embittered. Pray and commit it to God. He can work on their hearts, but also rest your heart in Him that you've done all that you know you can do.

 

I understand completely about having so many intense issues/situations going on that you have no memory of what you might have said or done that caused such a reaction on their part. When my parents were going through a divorce, while I was a teenager, I have no memory of where my brother was at the time! I know that at one point, sometime while I was in high school, he moved out of the house. I did not know where he lived, who he was living with, etc. The divorce was rather messy, and I think it affected him more at the time than it did me. At any rate, if someone had asked me at the time, "Where does your brother live?", I would have had no clue. Life can be very stressful and confusing at time.

 

Do what you believe to be the right course of action, and then try to rest with it. It's her responsibility from that point to make the right response.

 

I hope this goes well for you. These things are not easy!

[OnTheBrink]

I'd write and say what you've said here. You know you hurt her, but with all the stress and issues going at the time, you don't really recall specifically what happened and you value her and her family and want to make amends. I'd be open and honest. That's really all you can do.

 

:grouphug:

[JudoMom]

In high school I was taken in by a teacher and his family after I was expelled from my dormitory. One of his daughters was in my class at school. This family was wonderful for me. Because of this family I know how a functional family functions! I have nothing but feelings of love and gratitude toward this family.

 

In college I had a very difficult time. I won't go into all that happened during that time but the stress was so bad that I was suffering black-outs. I'm not sure why I did this or even what exactly I did but I do know that I wrote a letter to the daughter of the family I mentioned above. I believe that I said something to the effect of needing some time to work things out in my life. Note that my memory of that time is very impaired and I don't know exactly what I wrote. Undoubtedly I did not do a very good job communicating because I'm sure I didn't mean to hurt her or to cut her out of my life. A couple of months later I wrote a letter to her parents. They wrote back to me telling me that they no longer wanted to communicate with me due to the way I had treated their daughter. Right after that all h*ll broke loose in my life (even worse than before) and it was some time before I was able to think about this relationship.

 

For years I have had regrets about the loss of this relationship. Or at least the loss of their regard for me when I have never wavered in my regard for all of them. A couple of years ago my high school class had a reunion in an area near where the daughter lives (because our high school was overseas and we live all over, our reunions jump from place to place to give people a chance to attend them on occasion). The daughter e-mailed me at the time telling me that if I attended the reunion she wanted to get together with me. Unfortunately we didn't have the money for me to go. I replied by e-mail to that effect and made an attempt to make amends by telling her that I have fond feelings for her family. I did not apologize specifically for how I hurt her because I guess I'm not totally sure specifically how I hurt her and it seemed callous to say that. I also wrote a small paragraph about my current life hoping that she might write back. She never did. A mutual friend told me at that time that the daughter had shared feeling deeply hurt about what I had done to her even 20 years later.

 

Last month she sent an e-mail to our high school class list telling us that her younger brother is ill with cancer. I would like to respond by telling her that I'm thinking and praying for him. I'm pretty sure that would be ok. But would you also try to explain some of the past situation? And how do I admit that while I know that I hurt her deeply, I don't actually remember the specifics?

 

I would write her, and let her know that you are still very fond and appreciative of her family and all they did for you, and let her know that you are praying for her brother.

 

Then I would tell her the truth. Tell her things were so bad at that time that you were suffering blackouts, and that while you know you hurt her, you don't remember exactly how. Tell her that this has haunted you for 20 years, and that you would like to know what you said so that you can seek her forgiveness.

[Julie in CA]

Oh, I'd *absolutely* write to her.

I don't think you need to try and apologize for exactly what you said or did.(ETA: it may sound like excuses if you do)

If it were me, I'd give an extremely heartfelt and sincere apology, simply saying that now that you're mentally and emotionally healthy,you look back on your youthful years with unspeakable regret about the people you hurt.

(If it's true) I'd include a line that mentions that your recovery and mental health now is due in large part to her family, and that you are who you are *now* because of the things they taught you, regardless of how you behaved back then.

 

After that, I'd venture into sympathy about the current situation, leaving her with current contact info about how to reach you now, if she should ever have a spare moment.

Edited January 16, 2009 by Julie in CA

[The Governess]

I would write her, and let her know that you are still very fond and appreciative of her family and all they did for you, and let her know that you are praying for her brother.

 

Then I would tell her the truth. Tell her things were so bad at that time that you were suffering blackouts, and that while you know you hurt her, you don't remember exactly how. Tell her that this has haunted you for 20 years, and that you would like to know what you said so that you can seek her forgiveness.

 

Very well put.

 

:grouphug: I hope that she can forgive you and the relationship can be reconciled.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would write a letter, if possible, not an e-mail. I would then perhaps say that you are really sorry for the breach in your relationship with her, and I personally don't think it hurts at all to explain what a difficult and confusing time in your life college was. I would continue to explain a little about this without going into too much detail. I would then explain very clearly that you had no intention of hurting her or her family in any way, but that you were working through some very intense issues in your life and were not even able to remember some of the specifics. I would open the door for further communication with her and tell her that if she would like to explain her side of the situation more, you'd be happy to hear her out. Emphasize again that you had no intention of hurting her or her family, but you were going through enough at the time that you have no specific memories.

 

Beyond that, you'll have to wait and see how it works out. Once you've tried to do what you believe you should do in order to mend the relationship, the responsibility lies with the other person to respond. They have a responsibility as well to be willing to forgive and let go of the situation, or hang onto it and become more embittered. Pray and commit it to God. He can work on their hearts, but also rest your heart in Him that you've done all that you know you can do.

 

Do what you believe to be the right course of action, and then try to rest with it. It's her responsibility from that point to make the right response.

 

 

Thank you for understanding how times can be so stressful that you really do have a kind of amnesia about it. Unfortunately all I have is an e-mail address. She has been very cautious about even sharing that. I also appreciate the advice to do my part and leave the rest to her (and to God).

 

I would write her, and let her know that you are still very fond and appreciative of her family and all they did for you, and let her know that you are praying for her brother.

 

Then I would tell her the truth. Tell her things were so bad at that time that you were suffering blackouts, and that while you know you hurt her, you don't remember exactly how. Tell her that this has haunted you for 20 years, and that you would like to know what you said so that you can seek her forgiveness.

 

I think it has haunted both of us for 20 years.

 

Oh, I'd *absolutely* write to her.

I don't think you need to try and apologize for exactly what you said or did.(ETA: it may sound like excuses if you do)

If it were me, I'd give an extremely heartfelt and sincere apology, simply saying that now that you're mentally and emotionally healthy,you look back on your youthful years with unspeakable regret about the people you hurt.

(If it's true) I'd include a line that mentions that your recovery and mental health now is due in large part to her family, and that you are who you are *now* because of the things they taught you, regardless of how you behaved back then.

 

After that, I'd venture into sympathy about the current situation, leaving her with current contact info about how to reach you now, if she should ever have a spare moment.

 

I've worried about my explanation sounding like excuses or even sounding melodramatic. You are right about the regret and the part that she and her family have had in the healthy parts of my life. She does have my current contact information - I gave that to her when she contacted me a few years ago. Since that time she did not contact me until she contacted me as well as the whole class this past Christmas time.

 

Thank you to all of you for your kind advice. It will have to be by e-mail but I will contact her to let her know we are praying for her brother. I will give an apology also (incorporating some of the advice you've given me here).

[elegantlion]

Life is short, write the letter. You'll feel better. :grouphug: It sounds like she is open to knowing that people change. I'd take this opportunity to show it.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I would definitely let her know that you are praying for her family and her brother at this time. I would then let her know that you are aware of the fact that she's been deeply hurt by you and you would like to connect with her about it. I would ask her for a phone number and take the time to call her.

 

I don't like these things being done in letters because, depending on how the receiver feels about the sender, they can read a different "tone" than what is meant by the sender. It could actually make things worse. I like to be able to hear their tone and also to talk with them so they can hear my tone.

 

Anyway, FWIW, that's what I'd do. It's commendable for you to want to do this. It's hard to open up these kinds of things years later. I'm really praying that this works out for you and both of you can find some peace in this situation!