What is Normal Behavior in Kids?

[RebeccaS]

After chatting with a friend today, I have to ask for input. When you give your children a rule, will they always obey it? Or, do you have to reinforce the rules? For example, the rule is: No kids in the furnace room. Every so often, one will go in there (usually when the oldest child is doing her chore of taking care of the cat). I feel that kids will require reinforcement of rules and that perfect obedience is not reasonable. My friend, however, was really angry that the kids broke the rule and said they just don't listen to her... I don't think it's an issue of listening so much as a reinforcement issue. You broke such and such rule, here is the consequence, no big deal. Am I wrong? Does this even make sense??:tongue_smilie:

[Julie in Austin]

I don't expect my kids to be perfect. Sometimes I forget my keys, sometimes they forget my rules. I calmly correct and at that point I do expect obedience.

[LisaKinVA]

For the most part, my children will obey the rules as they are laid out... although, there are some that need more reinforcement than others.

 

Also, there is the difference between when "mommy is watching" and when mommy isn't there to watch. The hammer comes down pretty hard when they sneak something that is against the rules -- and they are less likely to repeat the offense (that, and they can't figure out how I KNOW what they're doing...or what they have done).

 

But yes, I think it's normal for children to need a certain amount of reinforcement (at least for a period of time). As long as the parents are consistent with the consequences, it shouldn't take too much (well, there is always ONE child that seems to take more reinforcement than others).

[Danestress]

and also normal for a mother to feel angry about that. This just seems like part of family life to me. Ideally, she would set a rule and they would always follow it. If they don't, then ideally they would break it and she would reinforce and/or have a consequence, but be totally calm inside. But sometimes they break a rule and Mom feels angry at it shows. No big deal. They are human, she is human.

 

I do think, though, that normally my children follow my rules, and if she's having persistent problems with this, she may need to either supervise and instruct better or be more consistent with consequences.

[RebeccaS]

Thank you for the perspective.:001_smile:

[lulubelle]

I don't see it as so simple. Here is my current example: rule is no teasing

 

My boys are constantly teasing their sister. They get a kick out of it. I remind them a lot of the rule. And, sometimes there are time outs or no t.v. for it, but it is still happening and i can get very frustrated.

[LaxMom]

After chatting with a friend today, I have to ask for input. When you give your children a rule, will they always obey it?

:rofl: Yeah, right! (ok, I'm sure there are children who hear the rule, embrace the rule, and never break the rule... but I've not come across them)

 

 

Or, do you have to reinforce the rules? For example, the rule is: No kids in the furnace room. Every so often, one will go in there (usually when the oldest child is doing her chore of taking care of the cat). I feel that kids will require reinforcement of rules and that perfect obedience is not reasonable. My friend, however, was really angry that the kids broke the rule and said they just don't listen to her... I don't think it's an issue of listening so much as a reinforcement issue. You broke such and such rule, here is the consequence, no big deal. Am I wrong? Does this even make sense??:tongue_smilie:

Yes, we have to reinforce the rules. Daily. Sometimes multiple times a day. (jumping on the couch comes to mind)

 

A great deal of it is age-related impulse control. My four year olds are just now beginning to "get" that there are rules and consequences for breaking them. It does not mean there haven't been consequences all along, and that we haven't been reinforcing all along, it means that they are reaching the developmental stage where they can appreciate abstract cause and effect. (As opposed to concrete cause and effect like that it hurts when you hit yourself in the head with something hard.)

 

And, frankly, there are all those various ages where kids Push.The.Limits. It's part of the process of self-definition. And then we just reinforce the rule some more.

 

You're not crazy.

[Ria]

I certainly don't expect perfection, but I do like to see a positive trend, if you know what I mean. I work part-time, and this week I worked three days in a row until 5 pm. Each day I left a note for the three younger boys...not much to do, but stuff I needed them to do. The first two days only part of the things were done, or only done halfway. Yesterday, however, they hardly read the note...as a result our dinner was delayed until 7 pm. Not a positive trend. It was not pretty here, to say the least, and the boys will have some things to think on in the next week. I think they now understand that I might not ask much, but what I do ask needs to be done in order for the home to function.

 

Sigh.

 

Ria

[athena1277]

Kids will never obey every rule immediately after it's been given. The main reason is that they want/need to know if it will be enforced. Of course it depends on a parent's level of enforcement as to how much kids will "test the waters". The more consistent rules are enforced, the more they will obey.

[mrsdrcook]

Parenting styles differ even between spouses. My husband is just discovering after 5 years that we have to remind DD#1 of the rules and expectations. He still is not as firm and demanding and even jokes, calling me the "general" of the house.

[abbeyej]

Well, some rules are easier to obey. In the example you gave, I would ABSOLUTELY expect my kids to obey me. It's an easy rule with clear boundaries. If I say, "Do not go in there ever without an adult", I expect my kids to obey. ... Some things are fuzzier. I say "Do not antagonize your sister" an awful lot. But "antagonizing" is a bit gray. Was I playing, or was I teasing and annoying? That sort of thing...

 

But yeah, if I said "Don't go in there" and they did, I would be furious.

[Tree House Academy]

Well, with a child who has ADHD, a lot of that logic goes out the window. LOL He half the time can't REMEMBER my rules...either that or the impulse gets him before the thought process does. So yeah...reinforcing of the rules happens a lot here.

[ChristusG]

I totally agree with the above poster. Some rules are definitely easier to obey. Like my 4 year old knows that we eat food in the kitchen. That's a rule....simple, easy....you just dont walk out of the kitchen with food. However, if I say something like "share with your sister." Well, that's much harder to obey and I have to constantly reinforce that with her.

 

But I try to think of myself in the same terms. Some rules are harder for me to obey myself. Dont steal, dont hit someone, etc....those are easy. Now when it comes to things like "dont say anything you'll later regret when you are mad"....or....going exactly the speed limit. Things like that are harder for me to obey. So I have to understand that some rules are going to be harder for my kids to obey too.

[Aubrey]

I don't see it as so simple. Here is my current example: rule is no teasing

 

My boys are constantly teasing their sister. They get a kick out of it. I remind them a lot of the rule. And, sometimes there are time outs or no t.v. for it, but it is still happening and i can get very frustrated.

 

It might help if you replace the teasing w/ another activity. Ours were picking at ea other in the car tonight, & after the second time we blew up & told them to just BE QUIET & DON'T TOUCH EACH OTHER, I said: I WANT YOU TO SPEND THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES TAKING TURNS TELLING EACH OTHER WHY YOU APPRECIATE EACH OTHER.

 

And sure enough, their small voices floated up to the front of the suburban w/ kindness instead of rancour & we didn't have any more trouble. :lol:

[RebeccaS]

It might help if you replace the teasing w/ another activity. Ours were picking at ea other in the car tonight, & after the second time we blew up & told them to just BE QUIET & DON'T TOUCH EACH OTHER, I said: I WANT YOU TO SPEND THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES TAKING TURNS TELLING EACH OTHER WHY YOU APPRECIATE EACH OTHER.

 

And sure enough, their small voices floated up to the front of the suburban w/ kindness instead of rancour & we didn't have any more trouble. :lol:

 

What a good idea! With five small kids in a small van...the picking can get quite annoying.

 

I hadn't considered that the rule in question was a pretty simple one to follow. And, we're talking kids with no issues other than being kids.:D I appreciate all your viewpoints. You have given me much to think about. Thank you!

[swellmomma]

I get angry when it is rule after rule being constantly broken. Then it might be something minor like not going into the furnace room and I end up looking like I am over reacting, but my kids very rarely mind me or my rules, so I get extremely frustrated with them by the end of the day. (some days it's by breakfast if they start in immediately).

 

The oldest 2 have severe adhd with odd/cd so rules etc go in one ear and out the other, my 5yr old just does what they do, so if they break a rule so does he.

Edited January 16, 2009 by swellmomma

[Alana in Canada]

One of the best books ever written on this subject is Cloud and Towsend, "Boundaries with Kids." It's written from a Chrstian perspective but I don't think i would be offensive or off-putting to those of other faiths.

 

One of the things they said which helped my immensely was: Kids will resist the rules. That's their job.

 

I think I should go re-read it!