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I am so confused...


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Four years ago when we moved here we really struggled. I was very lonely, the kids were lonely and we joined the homeschool support group in town even though I knew it was a religious group.

 

One family "took" to us right away. A big family with lots of kids, very active in a nearby church. We had each other over to dinner, the kids had a blast together, I let my kids attend church youth functions with them until some of the stuff there began to feel uncomfortable.

 

But when I refused to join the church and then when, gasp!, I appeared as an actress in the production of "The Va**na Monologues" - a play which by then was about 15 years old and I regarded as retro rather than shocking - the family dropped us like hotcakes.

 

Fine. That hurt. But what hurt even more was that the kids from the family would ride their bikes over to our house, stand outside our chain-link fence and talk to my kids. They'd be laughing, getting along, catching up....and then one of my kids would invite them in and they would say, "Sorry - we're not allowed to play with you anymore" and ride away.

 

My kids were crushed. I was crushed. I never attended another homeschool meeting in town. I eventually put my kids in school because we were all so lonely....

 

And today this woman - the mother of the family - came up to me in a restaurant and acted as if nothing had ever happened at all. Like she hadn't crossed the street in order to avoid me in town. Like she'd never said no when my kids called up to ask her kids to play. Not only did she act like none of that ever happened, she asked me to spend a few hours with her at the local ski hill while our kids skiied together in the homeschool group.

 

HUH????

 

What, have I been redeemed somehow? Does she think that just because one of my good friends just joined her church and homeschool group that maybe I'll enter the fold now?

 

Did I misconstrue everything somehow?

 

I'm just shocked. Absolutely shocked. Does she have any idea how much she hurt me and the kids? I just feel like screaming.

 

I don't need to hold a grudge, but I don't know how to forgive this, either. My experience of the last few years could have been so different with an active homeschool group to be a part of. And if we could have gotten past the religious differences and just let the kids play together that's almost all the "social time" my kids would have needed. There was basically one of them for each of my kids and more in that family!

 

Sorry, this is long. I feel like I have to just get it out so I can move on. It would be nice to do something with other homeschoolers once in awhile and I guess this is my chance to heal things. Help me forgive this woman and see past it.

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Perhaps she realizes now that how she treated you in the past was wrong. It would be hard to have a heart to heart there in the restaurant- and by that I mean, explain her actions, ask for your forgiveness, etc. Maybe she would like to do that at another time. I would hope she would. If it were me, I would tell her how she had hurt me and my family and see what she says. If she is not sorry about it then I would not be likely to rekindle the friendship. I would give her the benefit of the doubt though until we had a chance to talk.

 

I'm sorry for your pain in that situation. :grouphug:

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Maybe just write her a note and say, "It was so nice of you to invite me. I know you had formerly forbidden your children to play with mine, and I am not sure if the invitation was sincere or if it was a spur of the moment thing that you would later regret. Please let me know, becuase I don't want to make your life difficult by coming and then having you uncomfortable, and I don't want my own children to suffer again by spending a fun day with your children and then finding out that they are still not allowed to play together later. But I would love to come if you really want us, because I miss you and my children would really enjoy it."

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Maybe just write her a note and say, "It was so nice of you to invite me. I know you had formerly forbidden your children to play with mine, and I am not sure if the invitation was sincere or if it was a spur of the moment thing that you would later regret. Please let me know, becuase I don't want to make your life difficult by coming and then having you uncomfortable, and I don't want my own children to suffer again by spending a fun day with your children and then finding out that they are still not allowed to play together later. But I would love to come if you really want us, because I miss you and my children would really enjoy it."

 

This is very well put.

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I'd be baffled, too. I think sometimes people think that after time passes everyone will forget and put stuff behind them and they can pretend nothing happens.

 

I'm sorry about all that. It stinks. I wish you were farther south. I'd love hanging out with you.

 

Nicole, who thinks it's totally awesome that you were in the v-monologues!

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I can so relate to what you are going through. We have been through about the same thing. We were part of a group of families that shared the same basic faith, we met at a home of one of the families and did lots of field trips together as there were several homeschooling families. We were extremely close to the family of whose house we were meeting, they had become our family. They had one son the same age as my son. This lasted for about 4 years or so. Then about 1 1/2 years ago, our family had a change in one small aspect of our belief, we were dropped like a rock. The kids and I were hurt by their actions, because we had developed such close relationships with these people, but since we didn't share the exact belief in one area the relationship was gone.

 

I understand that you didn't share any belief with this person, but you still had a relationship with her and her family.

 

I don't have any advise for you. We haven't been in contact with our 'friends' for quite awhile, so I don't know how I would react if out of the blue they tried to be friendly again. But I do know that my 'best friend' would try to act like nothing ever happened and be all nicey nicey. It would be very hard to allow anyone get to be that close of a friend again. I would approach with caution at this point.

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Eh...my first thought would be that she had decided that I was worthy of trying to save again, that she was once again friendly out of some misguided sense of her Christian duty, that maybe she was interested in witnessing to me again. I know as I type that it sounds catty, but it would be my first reaction. I'm just being honest! :tongue_smilie:

 

I'm not really a beat-around-the-bush kinda gal. I would probably go next door and ask her if she had a moment to speak, then I would ask her what the deal was. I would tell her that both my children and I were hurt by her previous behavior. I would ask her if she was willing to move past our religious differences and just be friends. If she said yes, then game on. I'd give her another chance. If not, well...

 

Can you participate in the HS group without being her buddy?

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I think Danestress had really good advice. I think I would say it to her, face to face, tho in a gentle way. I'd also tell her that you had all been deeply hurt by their rejection, and that you would love to be friends again (if you do) but that you are very wary of being hurt again. Ask her if she can promise not to do that to you again.

 

I am wondering if she has matured some, and now realizes how horribly and un-religiously she acted, and maybe she is trying to make amends.

 

I guess it would be hard to say, "gee, I acted like a really bigoted, hard-hearted, sanctimonious jerk- but I think I've grown up some now, and I am really, really sorry and I want to make it up to you." Maybe pretending it didn't happen, and hoping you barely noticed is easier, though cowardly. Maybe she is trying to work up the courage to actually approach you with it out loud.

 

I am really, really sorry you lived through this.

:grouphug:

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I think it would be better to ask straight out. I can also see myself never, ever, getting up the courage to actually do that! But I would not feel comfortable going to the group with that particular family unless I did.

 

I think what I would want to do is to figure out some way of getting together with her in a neutral place with the intention of straightening out the situation. I'd probably reply with something like "I would like to discuss things in person before we get our kids together. Our family was very hurt a few years ago when you stopped speaking with us, and I feel we should meet for coffee or something before I feel comfortable bringing my children to a homeschool activity with your family." Only I might try to be more tactful, maybe.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm just horrified that your family was so lonely that you had to put the kids back in school just because the family decided to drop you.

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Eh...my first thought would be that she had decided that I was worthy of trying to save again, that she was once again friendly out of some misguided sense of her Christian duty, that maybe she was interested in witnessing to me again. I know as I type that it sounds catty, but it would be my first reaction. I'm just being honest! :tongue_smilie:

 

 

You know, this thought occurred to me, too. Most of us, sad to say, are all about ourselves. It might be that she thinks she's not been doing her Christian duty to save you, and wants a do-over.

 

It's a stinky situation, though, no matter what her motives are.

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I would have to agree with the posters here who have recommended a candid, face-to-face, heart-to-heart conversation with this woman and an easing back into the relationship (if you re-enter one at all), particularly because her previous behavior hurt your children. We can't always protect our children from being hurt (emotionally or physically), but we can sure limit their exposure to situations that might lead to being hurt. She doesn't have a very good track record... and perhaps she needs to hear that.

 

As amazing as it might seem, it is entirely possible that she in unaware of the effect her actions had on your family. It might be her m.o., and you might just be one in a long string of victims. Confronting her about this (not in a hostile manner, but in the kinder, gentler methods suggested by pp's) may save another family down the line from going through what you went through with this woman, because she might be so remorseful of the unintended consequences of her actions that she never acts like that again. .... Well, one can hope, right?

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Oh, I like that letter someone composed for you. It says it all -- I miss you, I'd like to be friends again, but I don't want to have you treat me the way you did before because I won't put myself or my kids through it a second time.

 

Do try to communicate your feelings to her -- I can't imagine she "didn't realize" how hurtful her previous behavior was, but perhaps hearing it from you may help her to realize the way it affected your children.

 

It's difficult to bring it all up again, I'm sure, but you'll never feel at peace about the whole thing (or trust her!) if you don't.

 

Lynda

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I would be hesitant to become close to this family again. We left a church 2 years ago and the Pastor went around to all our "friends" and told them they needed to stay away from us because we were enemies of the church. Imagine my shock when, at convention last year, several of my former friends came up and embraced me! I acted graciously, I asked how they were doing, I told them honestly that we were very happy at our new church home and the girls were doing well. We parted ways. That's forgiveness. It's an action. If any of these people asked me to be friends or interact with them again, I would have to see true remorse and get a heartfelt sorry from them. And even then, I would tread lightly.

 

Tell her how she hurt your family and if she makes excuses or does anything but apologizes, you know she's trying to "save you" and help you to see the error of your ways.

:grouphug:

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I guess as I'm reading your replies I'm realizing that I'm not at all sure I want to be around these people again. I can be polite when we meet up, but do I want to be made to feel bad about what I believe all the time? Not really.

 

Perhaps I'll tag along with my other friend who has joined this group to some activity or other and see how it goes. Then I can decide.

 

I do like the point that maybe this woman doesn't see what she's doing. Or maybe she's afraid that others in her group will shun her if she hangs out with people outside the group. It's so hard to know.

 

She looked so exhausted today. She was talking about homeschooling and how glad she'll be when she has her last one out the door into public school next year. She belongs to a church that emphasizes homeschooling and one thing that made me uneasy about that group was that several of them talked about how much they disliked homeschooling but felt they had to because of church. Luckily the church expected them to return the kids to school by middle school. She said how hard it was to persevere all these years when she was never really into it.

 

Maybe I was annoying because I was "into" it.

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I have found that people who wound find it very easy to forget the wound they caused, rather like how it is easy for some people to forget the debt they owe.

 

I, personally, wouldn't bother. I would be formally polite, but not personal in any way. She "did right" by her rules. Her rules aren't your rules. Let her "do right" to someone else.

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I have found that people who wound find it very easy to forget the wound they caused, rather like how it is easy for some people to forget the debt they owe.

 

I, personally, wouldn't bother. I would be formally polite, but not personal in any way. She "did right" by her rules. Her rules aren't your rules. Let her "do right" to someone else.

 

 

:iagree: I would tread cautiously. I hate feeling like someone's project because my beliefs differ from theirs.

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:iagree: I would tread cautiously. I hate feeling like someone's project because my beliefs differ from theirs.

 

 

This happens within Christian circles, too. Not just across different beliefs.

 

I was someone's "project person" once (I learned this by accident!). It doesn't feel too good, does it? Not a very loving pursuit either. Sorry you went through that.

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Arent we Christians funny? I include myself in that because there was probably a time when I might have done what this friend of yours did, thinking I had to protect my family from you. The biggest aspect of Christianity that we fail in the most, in my opinion, is love. We are called to love people. Not just those that we agree with!

 

I am not certain what the v-monologues are all about - but I am guessing that this lady had a preconceived notion about you because you were in her homeschooling group. She must have thought you were like minded. I am sorry that you experienced what you did, and double sorry for your children!

 

A story - two Halloweens ago, I invited 2 homeschool, Christian families to go to a corn maze with me and my kids. By their response, you would've thought I had asked them to come to our midnight bonfire, where we will dance nekked, sacrafice some kitties and tatoo pentagrams on our behinds! I can laugh now, but at the time, their rejection of me totally destroyed me. We were new to town, looking for friends (especialy for my second daughter) and this is what we got. I know that for a lot of Christians, Halloween is a yucky time, it is for me too, but, I know I am not in sin or worshipping Satan, by walking through a corn maze. My point? I am sure they felt they were protecting themselves from me. They didnt even know me or ask any questions about it, they just walked away. Like your friend did to you. I was angry for along time, but I got to the place of being ok with it - I learned a good lesson regardless, I needed to do the right thing. I forgave them and feel ok with it all.

 

Would I be friends again, maybe not, but I will be kind and loving should I ever see them again.

 

Sometimes we forget that Jesus was friends with everyone, even the lowly, even Judas (!) and had the most condemnation for the "religious". I hope all this makes sense. I hope you and your kids can find it in your hearts to forgive this lady, you may even help her in her walk with Christ.

 

God bless you -

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I cringe when I hear stories like they one you've shared, Jennifer's Lost.

 

Since you are a book-lover extraordinaire, I would 'fess up that her actions super-hurt your feelings, offer your forgiveness and pass along a book like Brennan Manning's The Ragamuffin Gospel.

 

IMHO, folks who have a judgemental spirit haven't had a good long drink from God's well of unconditional love, acceptance or grace. They can't offer to others what they haven't experienced themselves.

 

T

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She could be ready to apologize. Maybe she realized her mistake, and really needs to get right with you. FWIW, I would say, go meet with her, be real and upfront, but ready to forgive. If you dont feel its wise to be "close", thats ok. Sometimes we have to live with the consequences of our actions...

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I think you won't really know what to do about the relationship until you discuss the situation with her. It won't kill anyone, it would clear the air, and it could even be the start of another chapter of a great friendship, for you and for your dc.

 

FWIW, from what you wrote, I don't think she thought of you as a project. Project people would not stop associating with you, just because you did something they thought was outrageous. They would see it as indication of your need being even greater than they thought and would redouble their efforts. I think she was a real friend who was mystified and confused by your choice. What happened after that, only she can tell you.

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I would go and talk to her, try to clear the air and accept the fact beforehand that the time for this friendship may be over. I'd look around for other families to socialize with, is there a secular group? Invite people over to your house and into your life. How about Super Bowl??

 

I'd be very weary of this 'friend' who dropped your family like a hot potato, even though it's hard- I don't know if I could invest in a friendship with another family that has such a high risk factor of hurting the kids and I. This is a hard decision. I felt that I had to drop a friend whose son almost lost his eye b/c he and a friend sharpened tree branches into spears with their pocket knives and the other boy threw his and it landed 1 millimeter away from her son's eye. They were unsupervised at the time and when I asked her if she would continue letting him play with the boy knowing that they would continue to be unsupervised, she said of course she would. It was around the time I decided to homeschool and she also became very competitive about how we raise our children. I decided it was better to cut loose than to risk one of my kids being hurt while playing with her children, esp. if I couldn't trust them being supervised while at her house- add in the competitiveness and I didn't see any reason to keep her as a friend except to not be lonely.

 

Sometimes being lonely is healthier. :grouphug: I hope that no matter how this works out, you have peace about it. :)

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If I were wearing your big girl panties on this one (grin), I think I would be weighing which was the more important next step. Do you feel that a renewed "relationship" with her would especially benefit you or your kids now -- or benefit her or her kids? If you do, then you'll need to confront her in some way, however gently or firmly. Otherwise, you won't be able to be authentic with her and the relationship will be forever strained (ask me how I know). If, otoh, you decide that you don't have enough reason to resurrect this "friendship", then I think it best to let sleeping dogs lie. Your coolness in response to her now might help this woman realize that being exclusive to the point of being hurtful requires the ability to also apologize before the relationship can move forward.

 

JMHO.

 

(((Jennifer)))

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