My 8-yo girl, always sensitive, has gone off the deep end--help!

[dangermom]

My older girl is 8 1/2. She has always been sensitive and a perfectionist; in 1st grade if she got math problems wrong, she would cry because she didn't want anyone to see her mistakes. I have worked a lot on the perfectionism! One the whole, she's a happy kid, just also easily upset--she's pretty bright (not highly gifted or anything), loves her friends, is always thinking of projects and things to give people. She is showing no signs whatsoever of developing physically; she's a beanpole kid and won't be needing a bra for a few years yet.

 

Anyway, for the last few weeks the sensitivity has gone up to 11. Every little thing sets her off. Last Sunday she fell apart after church because someone was kicking her chair and another boy didn't behave right in the game the class played. Stuff like that. (And at the same time, she's dealing wonderfully with the snotty girl in her dance class who upset her so much a while back. So there's one good thing!) But almost anything will make her cry. She doesn't do it around friends, though; she'll hold it in till she gets to us.

 

This morning, I gave her an assignment from R&S grammar, about writing about your experiences. I thought she would find it fun. Ha ha. A few minutes later, I found her on her bed, and she announced that she didn't like the assignment, and she wouldn't do it, and she couldn't think of anything, and why were these total strangers asking her about her feelings? :001_huh: You would think she'd been asked to bare her innermost soul instead of finishing sentences like "I was excited when....." for me to read. She got quite upset over it. I gave her a choice between doing the next lesson or changing over to math; she chose math and decided she couldn't learn about exponents, so we did it with blocks and she slooooowly did the assignment. She'll be finishing the rest of her work this afternoon.

 

Anyway. My usual strategies are:

Level 1--change focus. I think that a project, something to do, is a good way to calm down, so unless she's too upset to be capable, I try to give her something different to think about.

 

Level 2--take a break, see if she needs food, let her read for a while to calm down.

 

Level 3--she totally melts down, cries a lot, and then has a snack, rest, and book.

 

I don't lose my temper; I used to, but I guess I've learned patience. (Homeschooling is good for that, don't you find? :glare:) The more upset she is, the quieter and calmer I get. I try to be firm and don't get emotionally involved. I never yell at her, since the slightest raise in my voice makes her tearfully apologetic even when she's happy.

 

I don't understand it at all, though. I was a very reserved kid and never told anyone anything if I could help it. I probably developed that shell in reaction to years of bullying in school, but everyone is my family is pretty private anyway. Apparently this is pretty normal for a girl her age.

 

How do I help her learn to control her feelings and not fall apart at the slightest provocation? I can understand being upset if someone says something mean, but she's getting upset over minor irritations!

 

She's also growing a sassy attitude, but I can deal with that pretty well. And it's a pretty minor attitude...so far.

 

Hellllp! :banghead:

[AnnetteB]

My 8 1/2 dd just threw a crying fit when her sister marked "fair" wrong on her spelling test saying that the word was supposed to be "unfair." Ironic, huh? Otherwise, the paper was perfect. Mercy can be a little dramatic and the waterworks come easily to her. Now she is crying over what Wii game to play :( She gets sent to her room to calm down frequently, advised to breath deeply and think before she yells. I try not to let her get to me, but I do tell her that I can't talk to her until she "pulls herself together." I don't have any advice for you really. You just gotta love the various temperments that make up a family.

[Nakia]

I will probably be able to write this same post in 3 years when my middle daughter is 8. She is already so sensitive!! Her emotions really drain me. I hope you get some good answers. I will write them down for use in the future!

[dangermom]

I hope so too! ...Anyone?

[Daisy]

All I can say is that my beanpole highly sensitive DD is 9.5yo and I'm still dealing with it, BUT in the last 6 months she has started to develop. Sooo I'm still kinda thinking the hormones are kicking in.

 

I mean ultimately it doesn't matter. We can't live life like that. I'm just hoping that plenty of consistent discipline and lots of discipleship and "Mom" time will help us get through it. In the meantime saying the mantra, "Hormones, hormones, hormones," just helps me not take it all personally.

[beansprouts]

When DD was about 8 years old I was very concerned that she would become hysterical at the idea of throwing anything away. She would hoard *trash* in her room, old cereal boxes and junk because she "felt there was still some life in them". I remember the day we battled over a pair of old, outgrown, ripped up, stinky, nasty sneakers that she couldn't bear to part with. She eventually agreed to let Daddy keep them in the garage just in case she wanted them again. She knew her feelings were irrational and after a while she learned to deal with them. In fact a few months ago she told Daddy he could throw away the old sneakers because she didn't need them anymore (good thing because they were long gone...)

 

I don't know if this is the same kind of thing you are dealing with. For us, I think it was more anxiety related than hormonal.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

When my dd was 8, I remember asking people (even the plumber), "How long does this last?" She'd just go totally nuts, wailing about the slightest little thing.

 

Things got better when she was nine.

 

She's 12 now, and things that used to upset her just roll off her back most of the time. Just today, 3yodd cut up a picture that 12yodd drew. I was more upset than artist 12yodd. She just said, "Oh!", then went about her business. There was a time when such an infraction would have sent her running, weeping and wailing, into the forest for an hour!

 

It really does get better. And, it really is normal at age 8 for girls to be this way. (That's what I learned when I asked your very same questions, four years ago). Hang in there, Mom.

[Mommyof4ks]

Thank you for this post!! I have an 8 yr old DD who does the same thing, and I was beginning to think that she was having emotional issues, but it sounds like this is rather 'normal' for this age.

 

Suzanne in ABQ thank you for sharing that it does get better!!! Those words give me hope!

[MrsMe]

Mine does some of this. I'm a mean one. She starts crying over schoolwork because she got something wrong I don't tolerate it. I just tell her to stop crying. This isn't a crying issue. (yes, I'm mean). But then I go on to tell her that we are hear to learn and if everything was done right then we wouldn't need to be in school. I tell her everybody makes mistakes and there will be some things you're good and some that you'll need to work harder at. I just go through a schpeel. But I won't tolerate her "work'in" me. And let me say I used to feel bad. Now I don't and it's gotten better. We can't all be perfect and no one else is either. But she can dry the eyes, do her best, and God will be happy with that. If she doesn't stop, then I tell her to let me know when she's done crying then I'll be back. I do this for any issue. Sometimes I'll get into when it's suitable to cry and what's good behavior. Like you can beat your pillow but not slam your door. You can Grrrrr, but not throw something. I just go through them all and tell her what IS acceptable.

 

Yep, I'm nasty.

[Liz CA]

My older girl is 8 1/2. She has always been sensitive and a perfectionist; in 1st grade if she got math problems wrong, she would cry because she didn't want anyone to see her mistakes. I have worked a lot on the perfectionism! One the whole, she's a happy kid, just also easily upset--she's pretty bright (not highly gifted or anything), loves her friends, is always thinking of projects and things to give people. She is showing no signs whatsoever of developing physically; she's a beanpole kid and won't be needing a bra for a few years yet.

 

 

 

Could it be that she may look like a kid still but in her head she is maturing ahead of her body. A close friend with a daughter told me about several incidents like this.

I think you are handling it very well.

[happyWImom]

Mine does some of this. I'm a mean one. She starts crying over schoolwork because she got something wrong I don't tolerate it. I just tell her to stop crying. This isn't a crying issue. (yes, I'm mean). But then I go on to tell her that we are hear to learn and if everything was done right then we wouldn't need to be in school. I tell her everybody makes mistakes and there will be some things you're good and some that you'll need to work harder at. I just go through a schpeel. But I won't tolerate her "work'in" me. And let me say I used to feel bad. Now I don't and it's gotten better. We can't all be perfect and no one else is either. But she can dry the eyes, do her best, and God will be happy with that. If she doesn't stop, then I tell her to let me know when she's done crying then I'll be back. I do this for any issue. Sometimes I'll get into when it's suitable to cry and what's good behavior. Like you can beat your pillow but not slam your door. You can Grrrrr, but not throw something. I just go through them all and tell her what IS acceptable.

 

Yep, I'm nasty.

 

I want to be you!!! Your way is good though, because it doesn't play into it, and I know that's what's best for my dd. I pay too much attention-but, I'm getting better.

[dangermom]

I try not to play into it--I don't get sympathetic, and like I said I usually try to just change focus for a while. If she really melts down, she goes into her room and still has to do the work later. But most of the crying is no longer about schoolwork--it's just random. It's on the way home from something, or after church, or last night right before bed (when she was copying out a story she wrote, for fun, and couldn't see the guidelines under the paper as well as she wanted to).

 

Thanks for encouragement; it's nice to know she's not the only one.

[orangearrow]

I do the same pretty much as the quoted below.

 

Dd (8.5) has a habit of coming to the school table with a "long" face. She's afraid of messing up before we've even started. Drives me nuts! When the tears start - she's off to her room til she's ready to deal like the rest of us. I've told my girls since they were small that tears aren't going to get them anywhere in this house - if they want to discuss something, I am more than happy/willing/enthusiastic to discuss, but I won't be worked on by sad faces, puppy dog eyes, and tears. (been around too much woman drama in my life - I'm not planning to raise theatre majors, lol).

 

I am always kind, and am becoming more patient with her, but man it irks me. She will be happy, carefree with anything/everyone else, but when it's time for school to start, she freaks out. "*sigh* She does put a LOT of pressure on herself though - a LOT - and it just seems to be how she is wired. poor kid, lol.

 

(and the funny thing is - she does really well in every subject except for grammar. REALLY well! But, when she makes a mistake, she goes all "The sky is falling!!!" on me and falls completely apart. She just won't be able to cope like that in "the real world" so I work diligently with her to break this habit now, while she's very young... but it's a challenge, I tell you! lol)

 

 

 

Mine does some of this. I'm a mean one. She starts crying over schoolwork because she got something wrong I don't tolerate it. I just tell her to stop crying. This isn't a crying issue. (yes, I'm mean). But then I go on to tell her that we are hear to learn and if everything was done right then we wouldn't need to be in school. I tell her everybody makes mistakes and there will be some things you're good and some that you'll need to work harder at. I just go through a schpeel. But I won't tolerate her "work'in" me. And let me say I used to feel bad. Now I don't and it's gotten better. We can't all be perfect and no one else is either. But she can dry the eyes, do her best, and God will be happy with that. If she doesn't stop, then I tell her to let me know when she's done crying then I'll be back. I do this for any issue. Sometimes I'll get into when it's suitable to cry and what's good behavior. Like you can beat your pillow but not slam your door. You can Grrrrr, but not throw something. I just go through them all and tell her what IS acceptable.

 

Yep, I'm nasty.

[MrsMe]

Think of it as we're there to teach them not only academics, but also acceptable behavior. I'll say, "does Daddy cry at work if he screws up?" Does Mommy cry when she burns dinner? (well if I'm pmsing maybe. LOL!)