Those of you who have a close relationship with your mom . . .

[gandpsmommy]

What are some of the elements that you think help create/sustain this bond? I don't have a close relationship with my mom. It's not that we argue or don't speak to one another or anything of that nature, it's just that we're not close. Our relationship is not deep. She is very much willing to help me if I need something, and she loves seeing the kids and buying them things or taking them places. We just are such different people that we don't connect on a deeper level. It has always been this way, ever since I can remember. I do have some emotional baggage related to her hyper-critical ways (not only with me, but also with every member of our family). I never had the kind of relationship in which I could confide in her or go to her for comfort. And we never had the kind of relationship in which I wanted to just hang out with her for fun.

 

But that is the kind of relationship I desire to have with my daughter. Right now, dd and I do have fun going places and doing things together, and she does talk to me about all sorts of things, and comes to me for comfort. I don't want to lose that as she grows up. What can I do to nurture our relationship so that it doesn't fall apart in the teen years? I know that dd and I already have a better relationship than my mom and I ever had, but I just have a huge fear that I will somehow mess it up. Thanks for any input.

[Kate in Arabia]

Well, I think I have the same kind of relationship with my mom.. but we started out being very close. In my case, the change came when I shifted the direction my life was taking, and she had a hard time accepting that. It put a permanent wedge in there, so that even though we chat often and she is great with the kids and all, we have never (and probably will never) regain that closeness.

 

So I guess, imo, you need to be prepared to be supportive of her even if her life goes in a direction you don't like. That doesn't mean you have to support what she's doing, but support *her*, if that makes sense.

[elegantlion]

I have a close relationship with my mother. I consider her one of my best friends. We did have a tough spot when I was a teenager, but that was long ago.

 

I know my mother prays about things. Years ago she asked God to show her areas where she was not being a good parent. She made some consious choices to change.

 

My mom is outgoing, friendly and affectionate. She's just a fun person. My dad worked nights so my sister and I spent a lot of time with her. We baked things together, she read to us, she loved us for who we were. She set boundaries on what was acceptable behavior, but let us have some freedom. She loved my dad, setting a good example as a spouse. She wasn't perfect, but overall her love and concern for us overrode any other feeling she had.

 

As an adult she has allowed me to openly share my opinions without saying "I know better" or "you'll be sorry". She has encouraged my choices, like homeschooling, even when she didn't understand it all. She asks my advice on certain things and doesn't pretend to know it all since she is older. She has been willing to overlook any "life mistakes" I have made and doesn't bring them up, they are the past.

 

 

HTH

[PariSarah]

I think about this a lot. I'm not best buds with my mom or anything--I don't call her daily, and we don't go get manicures together--but I really, genuinely enjoy her company, and I don't feel like there's any emotional baggage between us. I think a lot about how she raised us, and what I would say she got 'right'.

 

I always thought my parents were the strictest parents on the block, but also that my mom was the most attentive, most caring mom I knew. I felt like she cared what I thought and listened to my opinion, even when she didn't agree with me. I always felt like she listened more than she talked, KWIM?

 

But my parents had rules, man. I had the earliest curfew of anyone I knew, I had chores I had to do, and there was no question that I was going to get good grades in school. And on the rare occasions when there was a boy involved, they got even stricter.

 

I don't know how they managed to be that strict and yet give me the impression that they were the most loving and caring parents ever, but they did. I think it had something to do with my mom asking my opinion more and more as I got older. She asked me to look over papers she was turning in to school, what she should make for dinner, which dress she should buy for the fancy picture she was having done, that sort of thing. She didn't always do what I said, of course, but she always made it sound as if she was really thinking about what I said. And then later, when I was an adult myself, she would ask me more significant things--what do you think about this ethical issue? Give me feedback on how I handled this situation at work? That sort of thing.

 

Same with giving me more independence as I started getting older. Even when there was conflict, she always made it sound as if she was really thinking about what I said. And then by the time it was college time, they turned over everything they could to my judgment. They looked over college choices with me and gave advice, but in the end, it was my choice. Then, when the financial aid department screwed me over :mad:, they let me know that it was just not financially possible to continue where I was going. But they helped me think through where I could go the next year, and it was up to me to choose from among the financially possible options.

 

When I was living at home during college, they gave me almost complete freedom (which was relatively easy for them, since I didn't abuse it)--no curfew, no checking up on me, that sort of thing. And when dh and I wanted to get married, they only asked two things: Are you going to finish school? (YES!!), and can you write a budget? (uh, well, okay, sure).

 

We had a few things we enjoyed doing together--cross stitching, cooking, etc., so that was something for us to just enjoy each other's company over, no "parenting" needed. Those are probably really helpful things to develop--things where you can just have fun together.

 

Those are the things I think about most often, I guess--giving over more and more independence as dc get older, getting them to talk to me by asking questions and listening to the answers, having things that we can just simply enjoy together (cooking, Duke basketball, reading).

 

There's also the negatives to avoid--not trying to re-live my lives through them, not trying to get my self-esteem from their successes, not making them pawns in battles with other people, not paying attention to their individuality. I don't know how successful at those I am. And I prefer to think of the positives, anyway. :D

 

I'm interested to hear what others have to say.

[CalicoKat]

it wasn't always this way, but it happened when I started to realize that I could be an adult around her too. For me it was realizing that if I asked for her opinion I might not get an answer I aways liked. And that it was up to me to respond adult-like even regardless.

[Scarlett]

So I guess, imo, you need to be prepared to be supportive of her even if her life goes in a direction you don't like. That doesn't mean you have to support what she's doing, but support *her*, if that makes sense.

 

This doesn't make sense to me. I suppose it just depends on the 'direction'...but what if your child takes on a lifestyle that you consider immoral. Or won't work though able. Or marrys a child molester. Ok, so I know that is an extreme example....but how do you support someone, remain close to someone whose life is so opposed to all you hold dear? I don't think it is possible.

 

As to the OP and question...I am very close to my mom. We talk on the phone multiple times every day. I share almost everything with her. Most days I consider that an ideal mother/daughter relationship.

 

I think you are on the right path and I doubt you will have any problems.

 

Oh, and I wanted to add that my own mother was not close to her mother. They had a superficial relationship and my mom never felt as if she could depend on her mother in times of need. So maybe it is that longing that creates the atmosphere for change in the next generation.

[chiguirre]

Hmmm, I talk with my parents (both of them at the same time) everyday for about 20 minutes. We get along well, but I don't have a deep, meaningful relationship with either of them. My grandmother lived with our family for 10 years and I can't honestly say that my dm and she had a truly deep relationship either. We all get along, no one has any emotional baggage, but we don't tend to have deep philosophical discussions. I'm going to go out on a limb and say it might be very difficult to relate to your parents or children that way because they're so much older or younger than you so your life experiences don't match up enough to be able to discuss life issues and your feelings about them deeply. Just my 2 cents.

[Danestress]

I'm close to my mother. I would say the things she does that make that work are (1) she absolutely adores my children and my husband and has never admitted that any of them have any faults at all. My husband is the son she never had (as are my BILs, lol) and the children are perfect. (2) She is approving of me as a mother (3) she doesn't give me unasked for advice. Almost ever. When I was in labor I told the Doctor I didn't need an epidural, and the only unsolicited advice she's given me in 20 years was "maybe you should call him back in here!" (4) she started this when I was very young.

 

She didn't wait until I was married to decide that I could make my own decisions and to withhold criticism and opinions. She zipped her lips when I wanted to travel abroad alone, when I almost married an pretty obviously wrong guy, etc.

 

But I've never really been a "tell everything to Mom" kind of girl, and she doesn't seem to expect that. I would say we are VERY close, but we have appropriate boundaries. I never feel like I "owe" her total disclosure. Even as a teenager, I had a firm sense that certain things were not my parents' business, and she has always respected that and trusted my judgment. My Dad too.

[Ria]

I think it is possible to love and emotionally support a child whose lifestyle is not what you would want.

 

Scarlet said, "This doesn't make sense to me. I suppose it just depends on the 'direction'...but what if your child takes on a lifestyle that you consider immoral. Or won't work though able. Or marrys a child molester. Ok, so I know that is an extreme example....but how do you support someone, remain close to someone whose life is so opposed to all you hold dear? I don't think it is possible." (someday I will figure out how to insert those nifty quotes here, but for now I'm clueless)

 

 

For example, say that your child grows up, you are very close, and then she tells you that she's a lesbian. Wow...that would probably be a shock. You might well find that morally unacceptable. BUT - this is still your beloved daughter, the one who loves and trusts you, the one with whom you share a lifetime of memories. You could still remain close, because what makes your daughter "your daughter" has not changed. Fundamentally, she's still the same young woman you've always loved.

 

My best friend in high school told her parents she was gay after she graduated from college. Her parents had no idea, nor did I. No clue whatsover. Although her family was shocked, they eventually realized that their dd was still the same dd they'd always known and loved. They don't approve of their dd's lifestyle (religious reasons), but they still love and accept her for who she is. And, she and her mom are still close.

 

Being a parent is not easy, and even though it's hard, you have to always make sure your child knows that you love them unconditionally. That's the key to remaining close, I think.

 

Ria

[Doran]

What are some of the elements that you think help create/sustain this bond? I don't have a close relationship with my mom. It's not that we argue or don't speak to one another or anything of that nature, it's just that we're not close. Our relationship is not deep. She is very much willing to help me if I need something, and she loves seeing the kids and buying them things or taking them places. We just are such different people that we don't connect on a deeper level. It has always been this way, ever since I can remember. I do have some emotional baggage related to her hyper-critical ways (not only with me, but also with every member of our family). I never had the kind of relationship in which I could confide in her or go to her for comfort. And we never had the kind of relationship in which I wanted to just hang out with her for fun.

 

Reading this, I am struck by a few things. First you say that you and your Mom are "such different people that you don't connect on a deeper level." And you say it's always been that way. There are some things about relationships that are very difficult to change, and having nothing in common is one of them. But, sometimes, I think we focus so much on what we don't share in common that we can't see ways that we are similar.

 

I feel very connected to my mother, though we don't live close together enough to go do girly things regularly -- hmmmm, maybe there's a secret in that :rolleyes:. (Also, fwiw, my mother describes a very close relationship with her mother.) I am different from my mother in many ways. She likes specific plans. I've never been that much of a planner. She is very opinionated. Me, not so much. Politically, we are not aligned. She loves to shop, I hate it. But, we do have things we share in common. We both love to sing. We aren't afraid to be silly and to laugh hard about it. We like to receive and write letters. We care about how the other is feeling.

 

As a youth and even as an adult, I felt my parents were meddlesome, to the point of being over protective. And, they continued to try to control my life and my decisions even after I got married. That had to stop, and after a very direct conversation with them about how their interference might ruin my marriage, they really backed off. I give them a lot of credit for that.

 

All these stories and examples to say, I think a good relationship is based on mutual respect and genuine concern. I once remember saying to my mother, when she began injecting her opinion on me about something, "Mom, you are fully entitled to your opinion. But, I'm not obliged to accept it." The opposite is equally true. She doesn't have to agree with me, but she does have to respect me, unselfishly. We have to listen to each other, try to learn what the other enjoys, where the other hurts, what questions they have about life. They may not be questions or joys we ourselves share, but we can still feel connected solely in the sharing.

 

For your daughter, I'd say just be yourself, and allow her to do the same. Listen with an earnest heart. Give her your time, but allow space when she needs it. Love her without suffocating her. Realize that she will not make the same choices you might make all the time. Be open with her -- even if it makes you feel vulnerable. Depending on how you two are as individuals, you may or may not have the kind of relationship that involves "hanging out together for fun". But, that's not the only sign of a close relationship.

 

Doran

[WTMindy]

she is one of my very favorite people to be with. And, we have different personalities. She is supportive. For example, she called me this morning to see if she could do anything for me because she knows I've been sick. She loves my dh and kids. We have always been close (minus a couple rocky teen years :D)

 

I think because you are aware of the situation and you are being pro-active about making the relationship a priority, you will do a fine job with it. Keep talking and spending time together.

[Kate in Arabia]

but how do you support someone, remain close to someone whose life is so opposed to all you hold dear?

 

Ok, I wasn't thinking of anything so dire, lol... I think it is normal that we have expectations, hopes and sometimes dreams for our kids, but we should be prepared when they don't choose those things for themselves. And, outside of something extreme, I personally hope I will be able to be close to my kids even if what they choose isn't what I would have chosen for them.

[Trivium Academy]

I kept things from my mother growing up, after I did the rebellious thing- somehow we ended up being friends. She hasn't changed much, I guess the constancy of her helps me to bond more with her. I know her, I know how she'll react to many different circumstances, I accept her flaws. I think it's the mutual acceptance of each other regardless of external circumstances.

 

My mom is my best friend but she's also the one I can't wait to get away from after a long visit. She doesn't "get" me in a lot of ways and that's okay. Some things don't have to be explained or dragged out. Forgiveness and acceptance.

[Meliss]

Your mother sounds wonderful, PariSarah! It sounds to me like listening is key to a close relationship.

 

I do not have a close relationship with my mom. She was always too busy to listen to me growing up. I remember going out to eat with my parents after I went away to college. They exclaimed about how much I had matured and that I was interesting to talk with. I actually told them that I was exactly the same person that I was in high school, but that they didn't listen to me when I was at home.

 

I am almost forty, and my mom still does not listen to me. I have learned lately not to share much that is personal, because she corrects nearly everything that I say about what I think or feel. She has gone so far as to get angry and hang up on me when I disagree with her (unsolicited) advice or when I do not do what she thinks I ought to do. Last summer I tried to respectfully tell her that our poor communication hurt and that, before God, my husband and I are responsible to make our own decisions for our family. I got the silent treatment from her, and I realized that even telling her about how I was hurt was viewed as disrespect.

[Brindee]

Some of you hit the reasons when you describe what it is that is strained with your relationship with your mother: Too controlling, not accepting, doesn't have time, tries to make you be someone you aren't, etc. NOBODY wants those kinds of things happening!

 

My mom and I DO have a good relationship. I remember things she did for me, that made her end up getting "the heat". So I do those things for my dd as well. One thing I remember is that I would get homesick spending the night at anyone's house. I didn't want my friends to know that, so when one of my friends would ask me to spend the night, I'd say, "Let's go ask my mom!" I'd stand behind my friend while she asked, and my mom would glance at me. I'd either nod if I felt I wanted to, or, more often than not, I'd shake my head no. When my friend finished, my mom would say, "Oh, I'm sorry, not tonight..." or "Yes, I think that will work out." I LOVED that she checked with me, and would cover for me!

 

I didn't like some things of how my parents acted or treated me. They were sooo into being humble, that they wouldn't praise me for doing a good job on something. They WOULD praise my friends however, but they didn't want me "to get a big head." So I make sure to praise the efforts of my children, and encourage them in their efforts!

 

I spend time with my dd doing "Mom & Me" things (that's what my dd calls it). If she gets scared at night, she can come get me, and I will be there for her, encourage her, pray with her, and sometimes spend an hour or so with her to help her be less afraid. We've sat and sipped hot chocolate and chatted together at 2am. We snuggled on the couch and fell asleep. We talked and laughed and sang and prayed. She tells me how much that means to her and how she always wants it to be this way!

 

I know that can change. But we are building a strong base, where we talk about things a lot, we're very open with each other, and we have happy times---things she can look back on and remember! My dh hates being woken up in the night for any reason. But I've always told my kids they can get me up if they need some support or encouragement! They grow up soooo very fast, and need to know how deep and abiding my love as the mom is!

 

My mom and my mother-in-law are TERRIBLY supportive of all we do! They were concerned a bit when we started homeschooling, but have always been supportive nonetheless! I plan to follow their good example!

 

I pray a LOT for my children right now, and THAT is what will work the best for my children I believe!

[JessMcG]

Wow! I do not have an ideal relationship with my mom. I don't know exactly why, but I think it has a lot to do with my dad's impatience and criticism. I am constantly pondering and critiquing my own approach to my children, my oldest dd in particular.

 

What a good thread to read. This is one of the major themes of my life yet something I never think to seek outside help with...go figure!

[lynn]

What are some of the elements that you think help create/sustain this bond? I don't have a close relationship with my mom. It's not that we argue or don't speak to one another or anything of that nature, it's just that we're not close. Our relationship is not deep. She is very much willing to help me if I need something, and she loves seeing the kids and buying them things or taking them places. We just are such different people that we don't connect on a deeper level. It has always been this way, ever since I can remember. I do have some emotional baggage related to her hyper-critical ways (not only with me, but also with every member of our family). I never had the kind of relationship in which I could confide in her or go to her for comfort. And we never had the kind of relationship in which I wanted to just hang out with her for fun.

 

But that is the kind of relationship I desire to have with my daughter. Right now, dd and I do have fun going places and doing things together, and she does talk to me about all sorts of things, and comes to me for comfort. I don't want to lose that as she grows up. What can I do to nurture our relationship so that it doesn't fall apart in the teen years? I know that dd and I already have a better relationship than my mom and I ever had, but I just have a huge fear that I will somehow mess it up. Thanks for any input.

 

I am right there with you. I think it will be very different for dd and because she is the only girl, youngest of 4 and next sibling is almost 6 years older I believe we will be close. I was the middle child and mother was worn out by the time my sister got through her teen years which I believe put stress on the relationships that could have been with the rest of us and she just was unable to be there the way I know I would have liked. That being said I forgave her and we talk weekly, she's still my mom and I love her and her quirky ways and have learned to have selective hearing.

[Heather in Savannah]

She is 82 and very frail, but her focus is always others not herself. She is a prayer warrior and has always covered her family with prayer. My Mom has always been supportive and encourage, even though my Dad was harsh and critical. She always worked hard at relating to her children and understanding us. Even when I was in rebellion as a late teen, she questioned me once - let me know her thoughts and then just backed off and loved me. She has never been judgemental preferring instead to give us the freedom to confide in her and seek her advise...which we did.

 

My dd is a very different person from me, but we have a loving relationship. I remember my Mother's wonderful example and try to extend the same treatment to my daughter.

[jjmw1]

Terri,

I am not close with my mother at all either. We are both completely different people with different views on just about anything and everything. We haven't gotten along at any time in my life unless you count when I was a young child and had to do things her way... Once I "left the nest" and realized I was my own person and could make my own decisions, we have just grown apart.

 

My mom attempts to contact me and be a grandmother, but with strings.... and honestly, those "strings" are not something I am willing to accept or subject my children to.

 

I have 2 daughters of my own and also fear that our relationship will turn out like my relationship with my mother, but my DH reminds me often that I am a different person than my mother and therefore not to dwell on the fear but instead put that effort into building a strong relationship with my girls to the best of my abilities....

[asher]

I really think we became closer when I stopped being so dependent on my family and became more independent as an adult. I was way too enmeshed with my family. Last summer they overstepped their bounds and I stopped talking with them for awhile because I was so angry. When we did begin talking, I did my best to establish boundaries. I really think they respected I was doing the right thing and we've gotten on quite well since then.

[asher]

I kept things from my mother growing up, after I did the rebellious thing- somehow we ended up being friends. She hasn't changed much, I guess the constancy of her helps me to bond more with her. I know her, I know how she'll react to many different circumstances, I accept her flaws. I think it's the mutual acceptance of each other regardless of external circumstances.

 

My mom is my best friend but she's also the one I can't wait to get away from after a long visit. She doesn't "get" me in a lot of ways and that's okay. Some things don't have to be explained or dragged out. Forgiveness and acceptance.

:iagree: There's a book called A Daughter's Journey Home. You can check it out here http://www.amazon.com/Daughters-Journey-Home-Finding-Connect/dp/1591451000/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1209742269&sr=8-1

[Mekanamom]

Right now, dd and I do have fun going places and doing things together, and she does talk to me about all sorts of things, and comes to me for comfort. I don't want to lose that as she grows up. What can I do to nurture our relationship so that it doesn't fall apart in the teen years? I know that dd and I already have a better relationship than my mom and I ever had, but I just have a huge fear that I will somehow mess it up. Thanks for any input.

 

Mutual respect and just doing things that you enjoy together... things that help you enjoy each other... sounds like you're doing great!!

[Kay in Cal]

"It's not that we argue or don't speak to one another or anything of that nature, it's just that we're not close. Our relationship is not deep. She is very much willing to help me if I need something, and she loves seeing the kids and buying them things or taking them places. We just are such different people that we don't connect on a deeper level."

 

I can totally relate to this...

 

Let me share a story (sit back and get comfy, this is long).

 

Seven years ago when I was pregnant with my first child. I was 30 years old, and for years had worried about these same issues. My mom and I got along, didn't argue (much), she always bought me things...but we just didn't connect on a deeper level. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I might have a daughter, and would have the same emotionally distant relationship with her I had with my mom.

 

So I invited her to go with me on a retreat. Yep. Seven days at an isolated monastery in New Mexico. It was totally my sort of thing--Gregorian chant, grand silence, beautiful scenery. A place for spiritual centering and deep connection to God. I had been planning on going with a friend from church, the friend had to cancel, so I asked my mom. I figured--just us! Time to talk authentically in a place of true serenity.

 

Well, after two days things had come to a boil. My mom had tried to chat in a friendly way with all the other guests and monks during meals (instead of maintaining silence, and was even rebuked gently by the abbot after about the 100th time), didn't understand the appeal of a simple room with a single bed, desk, and view of the river, and just wanted to sleep late (never made it to the chapel at 3am, or 5am, or 9am...). In our free time, I wanted to delve into every issue we'd ever faced, explore our differences and come to a true resolution--she just wanted to chat about the new baby. My frustration grew and grew and we ended up having a blow-up argument, the end of which went something like this:

 

Me: "But we never communicate! All you want to do is be.. pleasant!"

Mom: "But that is communicating!"

Me: "No, we never connect, we are family, but not inimate!"

Mom: "Yes we are! What do you think intimacy is, anyway?"

Me: (long pause) "Intimacy is saying what is in your heart... saying what is real, authentic and true without regard as to whether or not it is pleasant."

Mom: (long pause) "Well... by that standard, I've never been intimate with anyone!"

 

Suddenly it all became clear. I went for a long walk alone, and came back and said: "Let's get out of here and go stay in a fancy hotel in Santa Fe."

 

We did. We packed up, left the stark but beautiful monastery (my thing), and headed down to Santa Fe to enjoy massages, shopping and fancy dinners on her dime. We both had a great time.

 

Because I finally figured it out. My mom just can't do intimacy the way I want. She isn't trying not to connect with me, she is simply not capable of the kind of connection I want. She really has NEVER had that kind of relationship with anyone, not me, not her husband, no one. She isn't made that way. While I long to go deep, delve in, get real... she doesn't, can't, is happy on the surface. She isn't avoiding the issue when she calls and talks about everyday things, that is how she talks to everyone. I want to talk about feelings and get real, she smiles, and nods, and misses the point.

 

Since then, we talk all the time. I make a point to call her a couple of times a week, she calls me about the same. We go long times talking every day on the phone. We talk about the kids, her work, my work, dieting, exercising, our health... small talk. I've embraced her for who she is and how she can relate and we are closer than we have ever been.

 

I know now that the "problems" were all about me. I had to let go of my dream mom, my ideal relationship, and have relationship with the mom I've been given in the way she is able to be. Is it perfect? No. Is it the type of relationship I hope for with my own children? Not really. But I hope that now I'll have the wisdom to accept them at the level that works for them, not focus on my own demands, even if their personality is about being pleasant, surface, and not as "deep" as I would care for. Because I sure don't want to miss out with them for as long as I did with my mom...

[KidsHappen]

We clashed on things that neither of us could change. An example of this is that we both had/have OCD but she was a horder and I am overwhelmed by stuff. She couldn't get rid of her stuff and I couldn't breathe around it. There were many other things like this that made it very hard for us to actually spend much time together but we learned to accept the differences and not try to change each other. I think that this was a harder lesson for me and I have to say though that my mother made more concessions than I did.

 

She accommodated me and was what I needed her to be. She would have preferred a close cozy relationship but that's not what I needed. I found it painful to try and sustain the emotonal closness that she would have prefered and I needed the seperation. So she gave me the relationship that I needed and I think that she was a better mother for it. Our children are not here to fills our needs but we to fill theirs. This was the most important thing that I learned from her and more than anything it is the thing that I would hope I can give my children.

 

And I really try. Mosy of my children are more like my mother and they need the close cozy relationship so I stretch and try to give them what they need. There are so many other things that I learned from my mother that I would love to be able to give to my children as well. She somehow always managed to do right thing by me even when the rest of the world thought she was crazy and she always supported me even when the rest of the world thought I was crazy. I always knew that no matter what, my mother would be there for me. Except now she isn't and I never really got the chance to tell her how much I appreciated all the sacrifices that she made for me and all the support that gave me. My mother just passed away in Feb. and now I can only try to follow her example with my own children.