I think I need help w/my ds. He's very "stiff" socially...kind of awkward.

[DB in NJ]

But not all the time. There are times when he's relaxed and ok, but it's usually only with his very close friends (2 or 3 guys). He's much more comfortable with adults. When it comes to girls, forget it; it's almost painful to watch him. He'll be 18 in 2 weeks.

 

An example: we were in the food store last week, just me and ds. We were at the end of an aisle when he decided he wanted something from there. I stood at the end and just waited for him to come back. He walked down to get his stuff, but when he was walking back toward me, he was almost, like...lurking or slinking or....I can't describe it, but he looked CREEPY. He was walking kind of on an angle, head down, but with his eyes darting back and forth from me to the floor to the other side of the aisle. There wasn't another soul there, but it was like he didn't want to be seen. It had nothing to do with what he was carrying; he does this every time we're in a store.

 

Sorry this is getting long. I have more examples, and I could write volumes about his behavior at a party last night (family party). :glare: For years I've wondered if there was something wrong with him, but I was assured he was just "shy." I'm still not convinced.

 

Any ideas? Websites? Books? Doctors?? HELP!

[stripe]

Does he know what is normal to do in a situation?

 

I think so many times with our kids we assume they just know what to do, whereas it has to be taught. I can think of all sorts of examples of this, from the extreme of Dr Temple Grandin, who has autism, whose mother went through rigorously teaching her how to interact with people, or the generic teaching your kids, through words or through example, to greet others and say thank you, etc.

 

Maybe he needs specific pointers. He may want them!

[Stacey in MA]

But just wanted to give you hugs and say hand in there. How long has this been going on - was he always like this? My oldest is only 9, I sense that there is some age around here 9, 10, 11, 12, 13....where the kids suddenly become very self-aware. They become aware that people actually notice them, notice what they say, what they look like, whether they have lunch stuck to their face, whether they have "cool" clothes on, whether they are saying cool/interesting things, etc. Before this point, none of that matters. So my first thought on your son was that maybe he hit this age (whatever it was for him) and never developed any "coping" mechanisms to deal that sudden awareness?? I think a Dr.would help with things like this - no big deal - a few "lessons" and "methods" - tricks up his sleeve to more consciously work it out. Have you ever talked to him about it? Does he talk about feeling awkward? I think when kids are feeling weird, it is a stress that they just want to "go away". They don't care how... And sometimes this means avoidance - of people, parents, teacher, whoever (or whatever) is causing them stress....

 

Anyway, just some thoughts. I hope you find some answers. We all have our mysteries to figure out about our kids, that's for sure! Hang in there...

 

- Stacey in MA

[klmama]

Do you suppose he has social anxiety disorder? A friend's dd has that, and it used to be almost painful even to watch her at times. I know nutritional supplements have helped her a great deal: Omega-3s in the high dosage found in cod liver oil, I believe, and other anti-anxiety nutrients like GABA.

 

Another possibility is Asperger's, but you'd have to look at the list of behaviors associated with that. It's more involved than just social anxiety.

[Chris in VA]

I don't mean to be quick to jump on some "diagnosis bandwagon," but I was wondering if you ever considered that he might be showing signs of Asperger's syndrome. Mine is probably on the spectrum somewhere, but it didn't "officially" show up when we had him tested in 4th grade. I think someday they will extend that spectrum a few more feet, and a lot of kids who exhibit social awkwardness will be on it. Sometimes it's a matter of teaching, and sometimes it's a comfort level that kids just don't have. My own son absolutely hates talking on the phone. He doesn't carry a cell, and is uncomfortable even borrowing mine.

Anyway, I think Stacey makes some great points, and there are things you can do to teach more social skills of this type.

[Alessandra]

Well, obviously, a quick comment at a forum may or may not be helpful -- and there probably are a multitude of reasons why your son could be acting the way he does. But your comment about your having been worried for years stood out -- this is not just a new thing, I gather.

 

You might want to read a little about Asperger Syndrome -- one characteristic is social awkwardness (not to say that social awkwardness can't have other causes). It's very common to have one doctor say that there is nothing wrong and for another to give you a diagnosis. Many "Aspies" are actually diagnosed quite late in life. But, from your name, I see that you seem to be in NJ, where 1 in 60 boys is on the autistic spectrum -- I think that is the correct number. Asperger's is on the spectrum, but it can be very subtle and is not always picked up by doctors, teachers, etc, unless they are fairly familiar with it.

 

Of course, I may be completely off base here, so please ignore everything I've said if it doesn't "fit'.