mazakaal Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 How do you deal with the dc who are miserable about dad leaving? Dh has always done some travelling each year, but this past few months he's been gone more than usual. He's going today for a 2 week trip to the US and dc are sooooo cranky. They're never very happy about it, but they don't usually complain quite this much. How do you help the dc deal with dad's absence, to accept it and not let it affect them so much? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 (edited) Dh has always done some travelling each year, but this past few months he's been gone more than usual. He's going today for a 2 week trip to the US and dc are sooooo cranky. They're never very happy about it, but they don't usually complain quite this much. Military wife here. . . I've discovered one thing, and I've also found that no-one ever asks for, or accepts, my input. . . When my husband is being deployed or sent TDY (short assignments) it's not really a big thing, we are used to it. However, when he is sent on a number of TDYs in a short time span. . .OOOF. 2 years ago he spent 4 months doing this turn-around thing: here a week, gone for 2, here for 3 days gone for 2, etc. (for 4 months!) THAT was BAD! I asked DH to ask his command to just stack the trips all together. He refused! (Goober!) He saw coming home frequently as a nice thing because he got to see the kids and what have you and totally wouldn't understand the chaos and emotional turmoil he was leaving us all in with the constant upheaval. We'd much rather have him gone for 4 months than a frequent turn-around. (You know, he really didn't appreciate me telling him that, either. . .go figure! ;)) So, based on the way I read your post, I'm thinking it's the "constant upheaval effect". Too many trips in too short a time. How do you help the dc deal with dad's absence, to accept it and not let it affect them so much? I really didn't know how to handle this one, and thankfully, it really only hit us that one 4 month period. If you aren't military and/or you have some say, I'd ask your husband to piggy-back trips as much as possible. When he's back home with a quick turn-around I'd have a frank talk about him before-hand about how to handle it to keep your house as "normal" as possible. I'm guessing a lot of the flak is coming from your older kids, and then there's the trickle down effect (generally the younger kids go with the flow much better than the older ones -- they don't think about it as much). Sadly, it could be coming from you as well. . .(Are you aggravated by the constant turn-arounds? Is it throwing your world off-kilter?) I don't really know that any of this is helpful, but I truly do empathize. Edited January 1, 2009 by Christine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athena1277 Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 My dh has been on two 4 month deployments. The first time I only had dd who was about 18 mo when he left, so we adjusted pretty easily to our own routine. The second time was last Jan. when dd was 5 and ds was 6 mo. That was much harder. I think the best thing that dh did was to take dd on a "special day" for only the 2 of them. He let her pick (within reason) whereever she wanted to go with him. I think that time they went to lunch at Mcdonald's, the Bass Pro Shop, and the park. She was still upset that he left, but the time together was good for both of them. We also sent cards and pictures she made after he left. She loved to send stuff to Daddy. I hope that helps a little. I know how hard it can be. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alte Veste Academy Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 (edited) How do you deal with the dc who are miserable about dad leaving? they don't usually complain quite this much. How do you help the dc deal with dad's absence, to accept it and not let it affect them so much? Maybe this is the Social Worker coming out in me, or maybe it's the satisfaction I get from commiserating with my friends whose husbands are also deployed... Validation, validation, validation! The best advice I can give is to offer them validation. "You're right, kids. This is rotten! I miss Daddy so much when he's gone too." What I've found with my kids is that if I try to cheer them up before I let them get out all their angst, the plan is doomed. They need to have permission to let that out just like I do. I'm a big believer in wallowing a little and then getting up and moving on. Emotions that are stuffed don't go away. They bubble up or explode later but they will get out. I think it's best to let them out purposefully, on a regular basis if need be. The fact that your kids usually don't complain a lot but are complaining more this time might be an indication that it's welling up and needs to be released. They were OK with it but they're starting to feel like, "seriously, enough's enough!" And that is valid. My kids have definitely gone through periods of more complaining during our current 15 month deployment ordeal and I can't fault them for it when they're at a low. Sometimes, however, it becomes obvious that they're reflecting my attitude, so I really try to pay close attention to how I'm reacting. No, I can't always be perky and happy-go-lucky but I can try my best to set a good example. Also, in my kids, I'm noticing a definite difference between the sexes. My daughter is a typical girl in that she can be crying and say, "I'm sad because I miss Daddy." On the other hand, my very sensitive, mild-mannered and responsible almost 6 year old son has just exploded with rage a couple of times during this deployment. You can see from the look on his face that it was just as disturbing and scary for him as it was sad for me. He just doesn't have the ability to say, "I'm sad because..." He needs me to talk to him at regular intervals and draw it out of him with leading questions. Thankfully, the two year old is virtually obvlivious. My point here is that your kids may have varying degrees of success vocalizing their feelings and it might be good for you to help anyone who needs it. Ways I would recommend when you're ready to move on... countdown jars or paper chains to when Dad is coming home - This one is helpful for longer trips and for trips that won't be followed up quickly by another trip. No one wants to do chain after chain after chain. However, if there isn't going to be another trip for a while, I find the countdown chains very helpful for the short trips. For my kids, in particular, it visually shows them that this trip isn't going to be another 12-15 month ordeal. Look, it's just 14 links! Also, having something else to look forward to and plan is good. As we see the light at the end of the tunnel (YIPPEE 2009!!!!!), we're starting to plan what meals we're going to make Daddy when he gets home. We're also still shopping for the Christmas we'll have at the end of January, getting some camping stuff and looking forward to using it in the spring. For you, with shorter trips, maybe you could plan a weekend outing or a museum trip, something special to look forward to when Dad comes home. I'm fuzzy on specifics. How I got a hangover from Welch's Sparkling White Grape Juice, I'll never know, but that's where I am... :glare: If I can think of more concrete ideas later, I'll post them. Kristina Edited January 1, 2009 by Alte Veste Academy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nukeswife Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Another Military wife here, I don't know that I have any good advice, becasue our sitation being military is really different from those who's husband travel for civilian jobs. My kids are used to Dad being gone, to them it's just a normal part of our lives. My dh is scheduled to leave th 6th and be gone for 3-6 weeks. This will happen a lot over the next few months. I agree with Christine that it could be a trickle down effect, and that it may partially be coming from you. I know how it can be frustrating when they come and go so much, but I have learned to really keep my emotions in check when I'm with the kids. I have my meltdowns from time to time, but not when they can see me. The biggest thing I've found to help is to have special things we do when he's gone. There are places we go only when Dad is gone, special things we do around the house (dinner picnic on the living room floor etc) that we only do when he's gone. Don't know if any of this was any help, but know you're not alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
runninmommy Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 My DH is a recruiter. The first 3 years of recruiting was spent with him working 16 hour days and gone almost 1/2 of every month. I feel your pain hon. It is hard. He still puts in a lot of hours but it is not as much or as frequent TDY's. We really missed my DH. I noticed that my attitude really affected my childrens'. If I was down in dumps or upset, so were they. I really tried working on my attitude and we also started doing some things that really helped. Some things to think about: Have your DH purchase post cards wherever he goes and send them to the kids. Get a big US (or world map) and keep track of his travels with yarn (Start and stop points) and learn about each place he goes. Install Skype on your computer. It is free and is a wonderful service. This way, your DH can video chat with you and the kids every chance he gets. He could read them stories this way or just say goodnight. Seeing Daddy when he is gone helps so much. When he is gone, plan special field trip days or a big project you can all work on. Craft projects, yard/gardening, or fixing things in the house. These are all productive things that will teach your children something new and suprise Dad when he gets home. Have the kids keep journals each day that they can share with Dad when he gets home. One thing my daughter and I do is keep a journal that we both share. We write back and forth to each other about hopes/goals/problems etc..We trade it back and forth. This may be something he could do during his trips. One thing my kids and I talk about often is that Dad's job is what he has *chosen* to do. Every job has drawbacks and each family makes some sacrifices. It just happends that Dad's job is to serve his country. It is honerable and admirable and we are thankful for him. Part of *our* job is to be understanding and supportive of him. I know it is hard having him gone. It is hard being an on and off "Single Mom" Try to pamper yourself a little more and make sure you are not putting too much pressure on yourself. That will carry over to your kids. I appreciate your sacrifice and your husbands service to our country. Blessings:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TN Mama Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Military wife here, but dh is a reservist and his activations haven't been as frequent as someone who is AD. He is currently on a year long activation in the states. We aim to see him once each month and he is currently home on leave for Christmas/New Year's. I have to second the pp regarding Skype. I thought it would be really difficult to install/use, but I was pleasantly surprised at how easy it is. The girls get a kick out of talking to Daddy through the computer. They are 6 and 7 and know that Daddy's job is important. They know that because he does his job I am able to stay home with them, I am able to homeschool and we are able to do the things we do (like our recent Disney trip). We all talk about how we miss Daddy and then we follow up with what we might do when we next see him. They know that life isn't the same for any of us when he's gone. I don't sleep well and I miss Daddy, just like they do, but they see my attitude about it and how I handle their Daddy being gone and I think they take cues from me. There is the occasional meltdown, of course. We just give extra hugs, call Daddy and work through it. Good luck to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXMomof4 Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Military wife here. . . I've discovered one thing, and I've also found that no-one ever asks for, or accepts, my input. . . When my husband is being deployed or sent TDY (short assignments) it's not really a big thing, we are used to it. However, when he is sent on a number of TDYs in a short time span. . .OOOF. 2 years ago he spent 4 months doing this turn-around thing: here a week, gone for 2, here for 3 days gone for 2, etc. (for 4 months!) THAT was BAD! I absolutely agree. DH was gone for a few weeks then home for a few days off and on from April to September. When he finally REALLY left we all breathed a big sigh of relief because it is so stinking hard to have him in and out, I'm here, now I"m gone, I'm leaving but not really yet. I could barely deal with it, much less my kiddos. The thing that saved us through all of that really was routine,routine, routine. We were working hard to get school done early for the fall semester so we really buckled down with school and kept at it - even when it was the last thing I wanted to do. That's part of what I love about hsing is the ability to have a "normal" even when everything around us is chaos. Of course, have the wisdom to know when a day is just an ice cream day and every one takes the day off to play games. Hope that helps and good luck with finding some peace! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelle in MO Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 A few thoughts to add to the great suggestions you've already gotten... Before Dad leaves, have the kids look up facts or interesting things about the town(s) he'll be in and tell him about them--maybe he'll go by the cool bridge they saw or see the river that runs through the town Dad calling home at bedtime to virtually "tuck them in"/hear about their day, maybe he could take a short book w/him to read to the youngers over the phone Frequent e-mails to/from Dad--kids could ask what the weather is like where he is, he could tell them he saw something that made him think of them or ask them what they were doing that day Dad could pick up small items to take them--a pencil/notepad/playing cards from the airport store, a notepad from the hotel, a snack they don't usually have Take the kids to eat somewhere he doesn't like or fix a meal he doesn't like Above all, tell them it's o.k. to feel sad. It means they love him a lot, and that's a great blessing! Chelle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melanie Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 I'm a military wife. My husband just got back from a three week TDY and he's about to leave on a six month deployment. We've already been through a year long separation, a six month separation, a four month separation, and several 2 - 6 week separations. And it's never easy. I've found that the first two weeks are always the hardest, so if your husband is taking frequent two week trips, I would expect you to have a harder time of it. I agree with the validation, but I don't let it go on indefinitely because my children will try to take advantage of my sympathy (the little stinkers.) When a child complains, I say, "Yep, this is lame." Then I refocus their attention back to whatever it was that we were doing, because it seems that they feel their grief most acutely when it's time for math or when they're supposed to be cleaning their rooms. :glare: I also agree with having special things you do when your husband is gone. We watch movies Daddy doesn't like and we eat in the living room and spend all day (and I mean all day) at the library. Just doing silly little things like that can make a world of difference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mazakaal Posted January 1, 2009 Author Share Posted January 1, 2009 I wasn't at all clear in my post about our situation. Sorry. Dh is not in the military. We're missionaries and his trips are for ministry. I was asking you military wives for advice because I know that your dhs travel a lot. But you all gave me some really great advice. Thanks so much for that. We just got back from dropping dh at the train station and I need to make dinner now, but I'm going to real all the responses more thoroughly later. Thanks so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Another military spouse here...we have frequent TDY's and deployments. No. fun. at. all! Let them express it and get out a calendar and start ticking off the days. We usually pick a project to do while he's gone to help time pass quickly and lots of snuggling on the couch reading. We keep up our regular routine and try to have one night each week of just fun stuff---games, pizza, bowling, going to the movies..you get the picture. Also email is awesome and keep a journal of stuff you did while he was gone. Everyone gets to write and when saying prayers well all pray for him. Also we just pulled out our video recorder and are going to let him start taping each day..good and fun stuff. Hang in there!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Girls' Mom Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 We aren't a military family, but my dh travels a great deal for his job. He's gone as much as every other week, although there are months that he doesn't go out as much. We've lived this for over 8 years, so we have kind of gotten used to it. I've found though, that the girls still occassionally have a hard week. We just try to reassure them, let them call whenever they need to, etc. Dh also tries to get them a magnet from everywhere he's been, and they look forward to that. Routine helps. We try to stick to the same routine whether he's home or not, and that seems to lesson the turmoil. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vida Winter Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 I haven't read the responses but I just wanted to quickly add mine. My husband works out of town - a lot. He's an emergency doctor who works anywhere from 24 hours at a time to 5 days at a time. We keep in touch on Skype. It makes a huge difference to be able to talk to him and see him - he really connects with each of the kids this way. We used to miss him a lot more before we started doing this. If your husband has a laptop and decent speed internet connection, Skype is a free program. :grouphug: Dana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamrachelle Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Another military wife here, Sounds like you've gotten some great advice from your previous responses. My husband is gone frequently and there are a couple of things that we do that seem to help the children cope a bit better with Dad being gone. 1) We keep a deployment/TDY jar on top of the fridge. I put one piece of candy in it for every night that Daddy will be gone. Each DC gets to take their piece out each day and when the candy is gone ... voila, Daddy will be home. I think the visual really helps my DC SEE that the number of days are decreasing. Occasionally, my DH's TDY will be extended and then I have to sneak some extra candy in the jar when they are in bed. :D 2) My Dh will usually try to write each of them a note (enough written in advance for each of them to receive one letter, once a week). Nothing big, just usually something encouraging ... place it in a sealed envelope with their name on it and once a week I place the letter on their pillow. He will sometimes place a couple of dollars in the envelope with instructions for "Mom to take you out for ice cream" ... it's a small thing but really seems to make a difference. HTH :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Occasionally, my DH's TDY will be extended and then I have to sneak some extra candy in the jar when they are in bed. :D I was wondering how you pulled that one off! Seems like more and more the deployments / TDYs are getting extended, or "bumped". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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