Husbands on spectrum: is he your best friend?

[Resilient]

I read comments about dh being a wife’s best friend.  I’m wondering if this is as true for those whose dh is on the spectrum.

DH  is on the spectrum (surprise)  and he is a good man and faithful and principled…but my BFs are women. It just occurred to me that it might be the spectrum issue.  
 

We are not even close to newlyweds, and we do live each other. I’m tired of feeling like a loser about this husband=BF thing and wonder if I’m onto something.  

[Rosie_0801]

You're not a loser and neither is he.

 

[Catwoman]

Well, the spectrum thing doesn't apply to us, and my dh is my best friend, but I just wanted to say that if you and your dh love each other and have a happy marriage, forget about what anyone else thinks! 

I really hate it that there are so many generalizations about things like "what makes a happy marriage."

It's your marriage and your business, and as long as you're happy, that's all that matters. Don't let anyone make you feel like you need to change a single thing!

Edited September 2 by Catwoman
Autocorrect is in a mood and decided that I needed LOTS AND LOTS of random commas.

[Resilient]

It’s not so much “loser” as in failure but as in losing something I had hoped for in a marriage and wondering if spectrum issues might be the reason.  If so, then I can deal with it better and maybe even learn some ways to improve  the communication and relationship.  

I'm not interested in splitting up.  

[Shelydon]

DH is not on the spectrum and not my best friend. 

[SKL]

IMO there are plenty of loving marriages which are not best friendships.  I think it's quite healthy to have a good husband AND a best friend who is a woman.

[Rosie_0801]

33 minutes ago, Resilient said:

It’s not so much “loser” as in failure but as in losing something I had hoped for in a marriage and wondering if spectrum issues might be the reason.  

Because you're both different neurotypes?

[DawnM]

I believe my husband is on the spectrum.   He often accuses me of not telling him things.   After years of me saying, "I DID tell you that!" he still doesn't admit he doesn't listen to what I am telling him, especially if it is an event like a wedding coming up.   

I say that to say that the whole "best friend" thing is an ok term but I would just use a different term.   When I need to get some advice, I often turn to my girl friends.   He is ok to bounce ideas off of but he doesn't walk through every scenario like my girlfriends do.   He is more of a "here's the one thing you should do in your situation.....and on to another topic" kind of guy and that isn't always helpful.

I guess he isn't always like that.   We have been going back and forth in conversation about the garage build, but that is different for him, it doesn't involve emotion or a personal decision.

I know my husband's ASD is not severe, not even close to how ASD my son is, and I am part of a group on FB for Christian wives of ASD husbands and their stories are far more severe than mine.   I don't even post on that site because my husband is not like most of the ones on there.   But if you want a link to the group I can give it to you.

But one thing with ASD men is that they are typically very loyal.   My husband is not very emotional, but when I left for my trip to Michigan by myself, he went out and checked the oil in my car, made sure there was enough air in my tires, put windshield wiper fluid in my car, etc....so he is more into tangible ways to show he cares.    But he isn't your "long walks on the beach discussing deep feelings" kind of guy.

Edited September 2 by DawnM

[HomeAgain]

Reversed here, and I think circumstances play a HUGE part in this.  DH and I have only each other.  I mean, we have other friends, but we have lived everywhere, done everything together and the only people who can begin to understand those experiences are those in similar situations, so by default we are each other's best friend.  If our lives had been more sedate, more living in one place, then I can see it being different.

Now, I have a question for you: how do you maintain such close friendships outside your family?  Genuinely asking here.  Everyone I know has so many demands on their time, whether it's homeschooling their kids or outside work or all the things...I have friendships where I haven't seen the other person in months because coordinating a time to get together is impossible.  So....how?  How are you doing this?

[DawnM]

31 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

Reversed here, and I think circumstances play a HUGE part in this.  DH and I have only each other.  I mean, we have other friends, but we have lived everywhere, done everything together and the only people who can begin to understand those experiences are those in similar situations, so by default we are each other's best friend.  If our lives had been more sedate, more living in one place, then I can see it being different.

Now, I have a question for you: how do you maintain such close friendships outside your family?  Genuinely asking here.  Everyone I know has so many demands on their time, whether it's homeschooling their kids or outside work or all the things...I have friendships where I haven't seen the other person in months because coordinating a time to get together is impossible.  So....how?  How are you doing this?

We have lived in several states and moved several times.

I make the time.   When my kids were younger, they were in scouts and I made friends there.   It was a homeschool scout troop and we were the same people in there and our homeschooling group.   The kids did their thing while the adults hung out.

Now my friends are mostly from my church group or work.   One friend I have posted about who I get together with most Fridays after work.   

However, I do consider myself very fortunate.   My best friends are from my boarding school in Africa.   We live spread out, but we talk all the time on the phone, text a lot, and visit each other once every year or so.   And two of my BFFs live within 1.5 hours away, so we do get together as much as we can.   We are the ones who have the greatest shared experiences.   And we have been friends for 50 years.   I can name 6 I talk to weekly.   Two live within 2 hours away, the rest are 6 hours away other than one who lives on the West Coast.   She went to Africa with me this summer.   

However, one thing I am finding as I get older.   I just don't WANT very many friends.   I only want good friends and I only need a few.  I am not into parties and meeting new people much anymore.   I used to be very extroverted.  I am not anymore.   I am becoming more introverted.   I don't know why really, but I am embracing it.

[marbel]

My husband may or may not be on the spectrum. I have my suspicions. He's an engineer if that means anything. He's never been my best friend, not even in the early dating/falling in love time. He's the love of my life, my partner in all things. But that to me is not the same as a best friend. It's just a completely different type of relationship. 

I have had some very close friendships in my life, women I would call my best friends. Not the same at all as a marriage relationship. 

I don't see it as a failure to say that our spouse is not our "best friend." 

Edited September 2 by marbel

[EKS]

Each relationship I have is different, and I don't think of any of them as "best."  In fact, when I hear adults use the term "best friend" I find it odd.

[fairfarmhand]

28 minutes ago, EKS said:

Each relationship I have is different, and I don't think of any of them as "best."  In fact, when I hear adults use the term "best friend" I find it odd.

Yes! I ageee with this. My relationship with my dh is different from my lady friend relationships, which are all unique in their own rights.

[ScoutTN]

41 minutes ago, EKS said:

Each relationship I have is different, and I don't think of any of them as "best."  In fact, when I hear adults use the term "best friend" I find it odd.

Yes, this works in my life, but I know many women who’d say their Dh is their best friend or who have a female best friend. Everyone is different and seasons of life bring different friend arrangements.

I never thought about Dh possibly being on the spectrum. I don’t think so, though he does struggle to have friends and build relationships. We married late and are very unlike. 
 

@HomeAgain My closest female friends are from church, so we have time together and share the same deepest commitments. Most are/were homeschoolers. Most have kids who are friends with mine. I have one long-time friend of over 30 years who lives in another state and who is like a sister to me. 

Edited September 2 by ScoutTN

[Indigo Blue]

My sons are both engineers. One of them, I have strong suspicions, may be on the spectrum. However, it would be hard for anyone else to tell that. So it logically made me wonder who, on both sides, could it come from? As for myself, I score as needing further testing when I take the online test, if that can be relied upon. But also, childhood trauma could explain it, as there is now lots of information regarding how girls/women on the spectrum often present the same as girls/women who have been raised by narcissistic or toxic parents and who also experienced trauma. So there is that. 
 

So…looking at Dh, there are people on his side that surely could be on the spectrum. I would even say I would be quite sure (as a non-expert). @DawnM just described my dh perfectly. I could have written her posts. And there are lots of things about him that could build a case for him. 
 

It’s all a big puzzle, for sure. Also, I don’t have a “best” friend. I’m not good at it (I’ve never been good at it), I’ve been hurt too many times, and I’m an introvert. It’s not because I don’t like people. I do. I’ve learned it’s just safer. 

[Terabith]

My husband is definitely ADHD but not really on the spectrum. My shrink has hypothesized that I’m on the spectrum. My husband is my best friend, hands down. 

[Emba]

I do not think my husband is on the spectrum.  I wouldn’t say we are best friends, though.  The things I get from a relationship with a female friend are different than I get from my relationship with him. I do sometimes feel like I’m missing out when other women make these gushy posts on social media about being married to their best friend, but I’ve also come to peace with it. My husband and I have a happy marriage, and I would not want to choose between having a best female friend and what I have with him.  
 

I’ve never had a “best friend” who was male.  The male friends I have had when younger were always frustrating because no matter how close I thought we were, if proximity was taken away, they never followed up to stay friends.

[KungFuPanda]

My husband is my person. If I had to choose one person to be banished with on a desert island for the rest of my life, it would be him. He’s not my best friend. I think best friend is a tier and not a person. (Stolen from Project Mindy) These two types of relationships are not remotely the same emotionally. They’re both deep and abiding but my female friendships are nothing like my marriage. I have a very broad emotional range and it doesn’t make me feel the least bit bad about my marriage that my husband isn’t my best friend. My marriage is epic and not diminished by this. My friendships are amazing and not threatened by my marriage. My home life is not my entire story. My energy has always been bigger than that. 

[73349]

Neither of us is diagnosed as neurodivergent, but both have some traits & quick screening suggests follow-up; our DS does have a dx. DH is not my BFF. I tease that he's my Very Best Husband (we've been together since our teens and married almost a quarter-century).

[gardenmom5]

I'm more likely to be the one on the spectrum, but never sought formal diagnosis (though three kids . . .)
I've had times a female friend was bestie, but we've also focused more on our relationship and making things better.  I know I can absolutely depend upon dh to be there, and the areas he's been weak he's actively trying to do better. (we've been married 42 years)    It's more important to us to be #1 with each other, but we also know sometimes you need a friend of your own sex because men and women really are different . . . 

[City Mouse]

My DH is has issues. I would bet money on ADHD, but not on the spectrum as far as I know. 

What do you think BFF means? I don’t have a solid definition myself.

I have one very long term female friend. I have know her for 30 years. We raised our kids together and lived close to each other for many years. Now that are kids are grown, we live far apart, but talk on the phone at least weekly. We’ve gone on vacations together. She was indispensable when I was dealing with the decline of my parents. When my dad died somewhat unexpectedly, she dropped everything and drove three hours so I wouldn’t be alone that night. And so much more that I don’t have time to list here, and we have had times in life when we didn’t spend much time together due to distance, or work, or just life.

My DH is who I am around the most and want to spend the most time with. We do all the boring day to day stuff. We can have deep conversations at times, but we can also just talk about whatever sport he is currently watching on tv. We like to do a lot of things together, but we also enjoy doing some things separately. And there have been times in life when I didn’t feel as close to him. We worked opposite shifts for many, many years.  The stress of other things often made me much less patient with his ADHD tendencies. I can be telling him something that I think is important, and he picks up one inconsequential detail that reminds him of something else that he just has to talk about instead. Today I can laugh when he does that, but there were times where I felt unheard and just stopped talking to him for a while. He is a take charge kind of guy and great in a crisis, but I have to be clear when I just want him to listen and not try to fix something. He is super social and I am the exact opposite. He brings me out of my shell and helps me interact with other people, but he is also fine with doing social things without me when I don’t want to go. 

I would say that she is my BFF and he is my husband. I would be lost without either one of them. Funny thing, the person who is my BFF is someone that my DH went to junior high and high school with. She was part of the group he hung out with in high school. I didn’t meet him until college, He introduced when we ran into her one day at a grocery store not long after we got married. She just happened to live in an apartment within walking distance of out first house. And that started a life long friendship. She and I joke about becoming roommates in some assisted live place after our husbands are gone.

 

Edited September 2 by City Mouse

[Scarlett]

3 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

My husband is my person. If I had to choose one person to be banished with on a desert island for the rest of my life, it would be him. He’s not my best friend. I think best friend is a tier and not a person. (Stolen from Project Mindy) These two types of relationships are not remotely the same emotionally. They’re both deep and abiding but my female friendships are nothing like my marriage. I have a very broad emotional range and it doesn’t make me feel the least bit bad about my marriage that my husband isn’t my best friend. My marriage is epic and not diminished by this. My friendships are amazing and not threatened by my marriage. My home life is not my entire story. My energy has always been bigger than that. 

I think this describes my life and marriage and friendships perfectly. 
My best friend and I have been friends for 48 years. We talk several times a week and sometimes daily when things are tough for one or both of us. 
I also have 2 sisters I am close to and 3 sisters in laws that I am even closer to. We have a text thread called 4 sisters and we communicate daily on that. 
I further have 2 or 3 in my congregation that I am very close to. 

But my husband is just my person. I call him first for most things in my day to day life and I depend  on him for sooooo much emotionally and physically. 
 

This  whole thing is reminding me of when a co worker, newly married was gushing about her husband being her best friend. An older co worker says, ‘ Jesus is my best friend’. 
 

🤦🏻‍♀️ ok Linda you win 

[-----]

nm

Edited September 3 by -----

[Kanin]

I love DH dearly, but he's not my "best friend." I think it's healthy to have different kinds of relationships, and there are so many more kinds than best friend and not-best friend. 

[Sunshine State Sue]

20 hours ago, Shelydon said:

DH is not on the spectrum and not my best friend. 

Same here.

I love the books by Michael Gurian. He has one (can't remember the name but maybe What Could He Be Thinking?) in which he talks about how men's and women's brains work differently. Women's brains have more cross talk between right and left hemisphere making us more verbal and emotional. He had a statistic about the number of men who also had this cross talk - it was a small number 25% or less. Then, he said that in TV/movies, a large number of men (like 75%) were represented this way. I found those numbers fascinating.

In my next life, I'd like to try one of those guys with more cross talk in the brain. 😉

[lauraw4321]

My DH has pretty severe ADHD and might possibly be on the spectrum. I could be as well but have never tested. 
 

He is not my best friend. I enjoy him. He enjoys me. We both enjoy the company of other people as well. Some people have that kind of all in one relationship. I don’t. And I don’t think that means anything bad about my marriage (or anyone’s). 

[Momof4sweetkids]

DH is not on the spectrum but is a very logical, introverted engineer. We are very good life partners and co-parents and respect each other deeply. We don't have hobbies or entertainment interests in common so it's more challenging to have fun together. When I think of a best friend, I think of having more fun together. I used to feel like I was missing out but I have come to peace with it.

[Catwoman]

6 hours ago, ----- said:

DO NOT QUOTE

I didn't want to quote your actual post, so I just quoted the "do not quote" part because your username feels kind of weird to type! 😉 

I am so sorry you are dealing with lies and deception, but I think it's incredibly insulting to what is probably the vast majority of "unbelievers" to suggest that they are anything like your dh. I'm sure just as many "believers" as "unbelievers" are liars and deceivers. Please don't blame your dh's character flaws on his lack of religion. Don't give him that excuse for his inexcusable behavior.  

I'm absolutely certain that the vast majority of "unbelievers" are kind, honest, and decent people, and I really hope that, at some point, you will be able to realize that. Lying and deceitfulness don't occur simply because a person isn't a "believer."

Again, I'm very sorry your dh isn't the kind of man you deserve. You always seem very nice, and I hate the thought that you are being disrespected and mistreated. 😞 

[Resilient]

Finally back to check in...

Dawn's post sounds really familiar to me.  Both on the annoying bits, but also on the loyalty part. Both of us have gone to the wall for each other. And he is a really interesting person, like a walking encyclopedia, and a deep well of compassion for the less fortunate.   And I know without a fact that he is the only one of the 7 who asked me to marry them (yes) who would have encouraged me to be all that I was meant to be.  He is also just fine with my having close female friends.  

I guess that after multiple decades, I'm just a bit worn out with a lot of the compensating for his quirks and social blind spots.  So I'm trying to figure out how to adapt in a different way that is less exhausting. 

[Resilient]

On 9/2/2024 at 6:27 AM, EKS said:

Each relationship I have is different, and I don't think of any of them as "best."  In fact, when I hear adults use the term "best friend" I find it odd.

I kind of do, too.  I don't have a BFF, to tell the truth.  I do have three female friends I trust implicitly and with whom I can be honest with fear of judgment, one for 35 years, and two for 15.  Each one fills a bit of a unique space though...I'm thankful for all three.  

 

[Resilient]

On 9/2/2024 at 3:37 AM, HomeAgain said:

Reversed here, and I think circumstances play a HUGE part in this.  DH and I have only each other.  I mean, we have other friends, but we have lived everywhere, done everything together and the only people who can begin to understand those experiences are those in similar situations, so by default we are each other's best friend.  If our lives had been more sedate, more living in one place, then I can see it being different.

Now, I have a question for you: how do you maintain such close friendships outside your family?  Genuinely asking here.  Everyone I know has so many demands on their time, whether it's homeschooling their kids or outside work or all the things...I have friendships where I haven't seen the other person in months because coordinating a time to get together is impossible.  So....how?  How are you doing this?

First paragraph: Shared experiences and past are huge--and I do very much appreciate that dh and I share so many experiences and friendships and memories, and he's pretty much "it" at this point as we have moved to three different locations in our lives ... which leads to ... 

Second paragraph: I don't have a big family. You could hold my birth/borne family reunion in a sedan, if that sedan covered three states.  Parents gone, no grandkids...  So I have to make my family.  I don't have a busy life...I've been out of the working world for about 25 years. So I have time to go to lunch with people who are working. I had my kids at a later age, so most of my friends were empty nesters before I was, so they had time for me.  I've been able to travel with my women friends, so we've created shared experiences.  I've been really fortunate in many ways that these were options for me, and I know that is not true for everyone.  

I will add that there have been upsets: when my son went to school, I lost contact with my homeschool friends. When we brought him home, I lost touch with my "school" friends. In both cases, the ones I left behind thought I was insane. I had a 25-year friend dump me and I still don't know why she found it "excruciating" to talk to me. It hasn't always been a bed of roses. 

Keeping in touch with people is sort of my superpower...remembering birthdays and anniversaries (thanks to the calendaring app), attending their kids' events, having time to make and receive calls or do things on the spur of the moment.  I can do these things because I have the time and this is how I choose to spend it.  

One other thing: while I have friends who have a different set of core values, the close friends and I share core values.

I hope that is helpful, and doesn't sound snotty or anything. People have different talents and values and abilities; you asked the question and this is the best I can do to answer it.  And you are really blessed to have a close and connected relationship with your dh!!

[Rosie_0801]

37 minutes ago, Resilient said:

I guess that after multiple decades, I'm just a bit worn out with a lot of the compensating for his quirks and social blind spots. 

Well, I don't know if it helps, but he does the same for you.

[Resilient]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Well, I don't know if it helps, but he does the same for you.

So he tells me.  😏

[marbel]

7 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Well, I don't know if it helps, but he does the same for you.

Rosie! 💗 This is so true for me, and unfortunately I have to remind myself of it often. We are both plenty quirky. 

[Kassia]

38 minutes ago, marbel said:

Rosie! 💗 This is so true for me, and unfortunately I have to remind myself of it often. We are both plenty quirky. 

 

8 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Well, I don't know if it helps, but he does the same for you.

Absolutely.  I am definitely not easy to live with. 

[Rosie_0801]

29 minutes ago, marbel said:

Rosie! 💗 This is so true for me, and unfortunately I have to remind myself of it often. We are both plenty quirky. 

Aren't we all? 😂

What societal hierarchies tell us is default and proper isn't necessarily so in a society of two, where things need to be a wee bit more egalitarian.

[Sunshine State Sue]

9 hours ago, Resilient said:

I guess that after multiple decades, I'm just a bit worn out with a lot of the compensating for his quirks and social blind spots.

8 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Well, I don't know if it helps, but he does the same for you.

I have been married for 32 years. Once, a salesman asked what was our secret, and I said separate bathrooms (which definitely helps). But, I didn't like my flip answer and spent some time pondering the question. One of the things I came up with was grace. I think in any long-term relationship (thinking of my 7 siblings here), there are times that I need to extend grace to the other person for their faults and foibles. I am not perfect, and I sometimes "miss the mark". I hope that others can extend grace to me. Actually, I would say dh is better at it than I am.

[Indigo Blue]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Aren't we all? 😂

What societal hierarchies tell us is default and proper isn't necessarily so in a society of two, where things need to be a wee bit more egalitarian.

Truth. 

[kbutton]

On 9/4/2024 at 11:35 PM, Resilient said:

I guess that after multiple decades, I'm just a bit worn out with a lot of the compensating for his quirks and social blind spots.  So I'm trying to figure out how to adapt in a different way that is less exhausting. 

I think maybe identifying what is exhausting and why might lead to some options for relief, depending on what you both have to draw on and worn with.

Removed personal details now that the OP saw them.

So, I have a pretty clear view of what is exhausting in our not at all normal relationship. It has nothing to do with being besties or not.

Edited September 6 by kbutton

[wintermom]

My dh is definitely not on the spectrum, though one of our dc is. Not sure where the genetic link is for that, but it could likely be me. 😉 

Yes, my dh is my bestie, because we can talk about everything that involves our dc, finances, future plans, etc. We annoy each other greatly with little things, but not in the big important deal-breaking stuff. I don't talk about most of this stuff to my good friends, though we talk about loads of stuff that are interesting and enjoyable. It makes me feel great to spend time with my friends. I love having a variety of different relationships. For the great big really taxing stuff that requires professional assistance, I seek help there. My dh, nor my friends, are not meant to somehow be professional cousellors, so I don't put them through that.