Triggers

[Scarlett]

I have been divorced from xh for almost 15 years. Remarried to dh for almost 14. Moved to another state 12 years ago. 
 

Lately I have been making several trips a month back to the city where I lived when I got divorced. Today was one. I was so triggered today that I felt like I was losing my mind. I always have to drive through the OW’s home town and then the city I go to is where she works.  At lunch I kept scanning the crowd wondering if I would  see her etc. 

Intellectually I am long through with all of that. But my body seems to be hanging on to some serious anger. 
 

I am just rambling. If anyone has any thoughts please share. 

[freesia]

I’m sorry. That would be hard for me, too. 

[Kassia]

No thoughts, just wanted to say I'm sorry that you're feeling that way.  That must be horrible.  I agree that your body/brain is holding on to some really strong emotions.  😞

[Rosie_0801]

Bodies do that. It's very unpleasant of them. 😞

Perhaps you should keep some chocolate bikkies in your glovebox. Learn to associate that drive with the serotonin hit?

[kbutton]

That’s frustrating. I feel like middle age is a time for stuff like this to just suddenly decide to bother me. Even stuff that just wasn’t ever a big deal, sigh. It’s not like I don’t still have plenty on my plate, but maybe my brain thinks this is a nice distraction/procrastination from what I should be doing?

I like Rosie’s idea of making a new association.

[Scarlett]

9 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Bodies do that. It's very unpleasant of them. 😞

Perhaps you should keep some chocolate bikkies in your glovebox. Learn to associate that drive with the serotonin hit?

Good idea.  A better idea than detouring  to her parents house and reminding them what a POS she is. 😵‍💫🤦🏻‍♀️

[Rosie_0801]

She can't be all bad. She submitted you for an upgrade. 😛

And an upgrade is what you got! 

So yay for you and sucks to be them.

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

She can't be all bad. She submitted you for an upgrade. 😛

And an upgrade is what you got! 

So yay for you and sucks to be them.

She has had two more husbands, one divorce and one child since her affair with my xh. And he just turned 60 and has been living with a woman for about 6 years and ‘engaged’ to her for 6 months. I definitely know I am better off. 

[lmrich]

Triggers are so hard to deal with. I dealt with one successfully tonight by counting prime numbers backwards. 

Sorry it got to you. 

[cintinative]

I have a friend who still deals with the same. 

Sexual betrayal by a spouse leaves a deep wound.  Your feelings are normal.

[elegantlion]

It's amazing what triggers me about my ex. His favorite color was blue  - like everything had to be blue. Thankfully it was more a royal blue than navy (which I wear and is SO's favorite color) but for years just looking at the color trigged anxiety in me.  It still does sometimes. 

 

[marbel]

My ex-husband had very narrow musical taste so we listened to the same few albums over and over again with little variety. It's been over 30 years since my divorce but there are still songs that come up now and then that make me feel a little sick and I have to turn them off. 

(NOT saying that is comparable to a cheating spouse. That didn't happen, though it was imminent. Just bringing up the trigger.)

[wintermom]

That would be uncomfortable. On the positive side, you have enough control over your feelings that you are still able to function normally. You don't have to take long detours to avoid the city. You can drive through and not have a mini-breakdown along the way. You can share your feelings with other here and hopefully work through this so that it impacts you even less. 

[Indigo Blue]

Triggers. Don’t get me started! I just want to be able to safely let out feelings here because there is no way I would trust a therapist. I have felt SO supported mostly, but lately there have been some things that don’t feel supportive. Some seem condemning and not understanding of why I choose to not go no contact. It’s not that simple. I still get triggered and now I’m feeling hesitant to come here. And holding it in doesn’t help. It hurts when the same people pop out to be, well, pretty mean and harsh. That makes it unsafe for me to vent here. There is no way to fully convey in text the depth of craziness of my family, anyway. And now, my parent’s minds are slipping and that is a whole new chapter that will be unfolding that I need to navigate on top of the dysfunctional stuff that has always gone on. 
 

I will always have triggers, but I will live life as wholly and fully as possible in spite of it. Others have it seemingly much worse, yes, but you can’t minimize someone else’s pain. You just can’t imagine what it’s like to be in someone else’s place, even if it seems you feel the place you are in is so much more hopeless. 
 

Trigger…..here is a tangible, but small one….My mom has a flyswatter that she uses to swat at her cats every time they misbehave. That’s a trigger. 
 

 

 

[Indigo Blue]

16 hours ago, kbutton said:

That’s frustrating. I feel like middle age is a time for stuff like this to just suddenly decide to bother me. Even stuff that just wasn’t ever a big deal, sigh. It’s not like I don’t still have plenty on my plate, but maybe my brain thinks this is a nice distraction/procrastination from what I should be doing?

I like Rosie’s idea of making a new association.

So many people who have a history of things that have just begun to trigger them only wake up to the reality of their history/ life when they reach their 50’s and 60’s. Or at least that’s the age of most people in the comment sections of really helpful online materials. I guess it takes maturity and time to realize what actually happened. For most, this is probably just stating the obvious, I suppose. 

Edited July 31 by Indigo Blue

[marbel]

17 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

It hurts when the same people pop out to be, well, pretty mean and harsh. That makes it unsafe for me to vent here.

I'm sorry you feel unsafe  here. Have you put those people on ignore? If not, try it. Just ignore them. There are far more people who will be understanding and supportive here than not.

 

[Kassia]

3 minutes ago, marbel said:

I'm sorry you feel unsafe  here. Have you put those people on ignore? If not, try it. Just ignore them. There are far more people who will be understanding and supportive here than not.

 

I agree. 

@Indigo Blue I'm sorry you feel that way too.  This can be such a wonderful community in so many ways.  @marbel's suggestion of putting people on ignore is a great idea - maybe that will help you feel safe here.  ❤️  

[Indigo Blue]

Thanks @Kassia and @marbel. I may try that at some point. 

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, marbel said:

I'm sorry you feel unsafe  here. Have you put those people on ignore? If not, try it. Just ignore them. There are far more people who will be understanding and supportive here than not.

 

I was gonna say this. This is a very helpful forum and if someone is being a bit more blunt that I can handle, some people can handle my telling them that. And if they can't. the block feature works quite well and is SO PEACEFUL. In fact, there's a person that I need to put back on block after accidentally unblocking.

[Scarlett]

3 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

Triggers. Don’t get me started! I just want to be able to safely let out feelings here because there is no way I would trust a therapist. I have felt SO supported mostly, but lately there have been some things that don’t feel supportive. Some seem condemning and not understanding of why I choose to not go no contact. It’s not that simple. I still get triggered and now I’m feeling hesitant to come here. And holding it in doesn’t help. It hurts when the same people pop out to be, well, pretty mean and harsh. That makes it unsafe for me to vent here. There is no way to fully convey in text the depth of craziness of my family, anyway. And now, my parent’s minds are slipping and that is a whole new chapter that will be unfolding that I need to navigate on top of the dysfunctional stuff that has always gone on. 
 

I will always have triggers, but I will live life as wholly and fully as possible in spite of it. Others have it seemingly much worse, yes, but you can’t minimize someone else’s pain. You just can’t imagine what it’s like to be in someone else’s place, even if it seems you feel the place you are in is so much more hopeless. 
 

Trigger…..here is a tangible, but small one….My mom has a flyswatter that she uses to swat at her cats every time they misbehave. That’s a trigger. 
 

 

 

((((Hugs)))) did I miss a thread? I can’t recall anyone pushing you to go NC. That is a very personal decision and I support you completely. I have  seen you implement some boundaries and coping strategies over the years and I think that has helped you. 

[marbel]

2 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

This is a very helpful forum and if someone is being a bit more blunt that I can handle, some people can handle my telling them that

Yes, I think some people can come off as mean when they are more blunt. I know I can come off blunt/matter-of-fact. It can be hard to tell the difference though. I try to remember to check myself if my feelings are being hurt. I do believe most people here are very kind. 

[Scarlett]

Also I think I need to stop responding to people who are clearly here to push buttons and cause division and pain. And I am not talking about people who disagree with me. 

[KungFuPanda]

Ok, but hear me out . . .  Can you rewire your brain to thank her for being the vehicle to your current, better life?  What if she NEVER came along and you were stuck with the ex for life? She pushed you out of the way and took that bullet. 

[Scarlett]

7 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

Ok, but hear me out . . .  Can you rewire your brain to thank her for being the vehicle to your current, better life?  What if she NEVER came along and you were stuck with the ex for life? She pushed you out of the way and took that bullet. 

The trigger isn’t exactly all about her…..it just brings up all the pain…..and yes, I am happier now, but I paid a huge price for xh driving our family off into the ditch.  Financially.  And my son’s FOO destroyed.  
 

Interestingly, in my mind she is still 24, but times has passed for her too and now she is 40.  And she is on husband number 3 not counting her oldest child’s father or the 3 years she spent with my now xh.  She is starting to show her age.  But even if she wasn’t there isn't anything about her life I want.  I am thankful xh did not end up with her or have any kids with her.  
 

There is a thing about reclaiming places that trigger you…..I wish I knew how to do that with her hometown that I drive through and  my old city.