So a weird little thing happened

[saraha]

We are on a quick trip to celebrate dh’s 50th birthday. On the drive down I get a random text from the kids karate teacher. Young divorced guy in his 30’s. It just says hey. I didn’t respond as we never text. Never. Not one single time, we communicate through Facebook messenger. He’s a cop and it’s his preference so I’m like, sure that’s fine. Plus, dh and I share a Facebook account so dh gets any messages notifications too in case I don’t see it. Has been the only way we have communicated in 2 years. So I figured it was a weird mistake. I did tell dh though in a “that was weird” kind of way.

Apparently this morning I got a text from him that was just a picture of his face leaned back against a couch maybe? The phone was in the basket on the table full of other phones. Dh picked it up to see what pictures ds had sent me of all of them and it showed a text from karate teacher and the thumbnail was a picture, so he opened it. After he saw it he called me into the bedroom to show me. My instant reaction was that it was some kind of mistake. He has NEVER behaved in any kind of way towards me at all never. So in front of dh I responded  “hey karate teacher, this is ds14’s mom, I think you have my number mixed up with someone else. Have a great weekend.”

Right away I get a response “sorry! That was meant for another Sara, lol” and I’m like well, I have sent accidental texts, I’m sure it’s a simple mistake, especially if he was sending a text to someone with my same name.

So I text back, “no problem” and go on with my day. 
Now here’s where it gets weird. 10 minutes later he sends me back “yeah, sorry about that lol, you tricked me 😂”

1. I’m like oh hell no. It is not my fault you texted me a big old picture of your face, even accidentally. I’m so glad it was your face and not something else!

So I respond “Uh, yeah, that is definitely not my fault”. No texts since and I promptly delete everything so I don’t dwell/spiral.

2. I show this response to dh. Now dh’s blood pressure had gone up a smidge until I explained it surely had to be a mistake blah blah blah. When I showed him this response, I honestly expected him to match my severe annoyance at being blamed for RECEIVING a picture of a town cop unsolicited. But he just shrugged and was like ah, he’s just trying to cover his embarrassment.

Now, 10 hours later, everyone is off miniature golfing and I have had time to think about it. I’m annoyed I deleted the texts (trying to keep from overthinking at first I really did give him the benefit of the doubt)

Im annoyed that this man tried to save his own face by blaming ME for his errant text (like I’m more mad now than this morning)

Im mad that my dh was mad he thought the teacher was out of line sending the picture, but when he BLAMES ME for the text dh is all no big deal.

I have a huge history of over analyzing (why I deleted) and I feel like the moment to really talk about it with dh has passed. Plus, I didn’t/don’t want to have anything negative for this trip.

Am I overthinking/over feeling this?

[wintermom]

I'm guessing that yes, you are overthinking this. Delete the texts, distract yourself with a good book or TV show. You'll likely calm down by tomorrow. 

Edited June 30 by wintermom

[saraha]

Thanks

[catz]

I don't think he was blaming you.  How could he possibly think it would be your fault when he texted you?  I think he was trying to be funny, make it less awkward for him in his likely EXTREME embarassment.  He is sharing this story over beer with friends this weekend feeling stupid.   I mean I would feel like an idiot if I thought I was texting a friend and was texting someone I had a professional connection with.  Not everyone has the same sense of humor.  

I do think you are overthinking it.  I get it, I can't always get out of my head but I would forget something like this.  

[saraha]

Good to know, thanks 

[Harriet Vane]

4 minutes ago, catz said:

I don't think he was blaming you.  How could he possibly think it would be your fault when he texted you?  I think he was trying to be funny, make it less awkward for him in his likely EXTREME embarassment.  He is sharing this story over beer with friends this weekend feeling stupid.   I mean I would feel like an idiot if I thought I was texting a friend and was texting someone I had a professional connection with.  Not everyone has the same sense of humor.  

I do think you are overthinking it.  I get it, I can't always get out of my head but I would forget something like this.  

I agree. His second text "blaming you" sounds like he was embarrassed and trying to awkwardly cover over it. Roll your eyes and let it go.

[Annie G]

Was it an actual text and not Facebook messenger? I’d find it odd that he’d have your name in his contacts. I mean, he probably has students come and go and keeping all those parent names in contacts would be cumbersome. 
But if he’s never been flirty I would assume he just picked the wrong name in his contacts. If it was messenger I’d check w him to see if his Facebook has been hacked. I’ve had friends get hacked and out of the blue I get a messenger ‘hi’ from them when I know they’d not just do a drive by hi. 
 

[mmasc]

I think he was trying to be funny and cover his embarrassment. I think the “tricked me” part was supposed to be humor about you having the same name as his friend. I’d let this whole thing go. (And I’m an overthinker too, so I get it!)

[Katy]

Honey, he’s interested in you. Block him if you wish. That’s what I do when I get Facebook messages like that. Another option would be your husband sending a picture of his face. But blocking seems less dramatic.

[Katy]

IME cops will do a lot of things when they’re home drinking that they would NEVER do when sober in the light of day. 

[saraha]

8 minutes ago, Katy said:

Honey, he’s interested in you. Block him if you wish. That’s what I do when I get Facebook messages like that. Another option would be your husband sending a picture of his face. But blocking seems less dramatic.

If it makes a difference, it was a text. I figure he’s got my info in there in case of emergency. Calling me during a practice would be quicker than Facebook. I do plan to have dh take kids to karate for a while, to save embarrassment on his part and send a message. Dh thinks this is dumb, but he just doesn’t want to give up his Wednesday evenings.

7 minutes ago, Katy said:

IME cops will do a lot of things when they’re home drinking that they would NEVER do when sober in the light of day. 

He must have been day drinking because it was at like 10:30 this morning! But I bet this is true too. They have a lot to deal with

Edited June 30 by saraha

[saraha]

I would never do it, but it would have been funny if I had sent ds14’s frowning face back 😆. Just one of those funny things to think about but never do.

[catz]

8 minutes ago, Katy said:

Honey, he’s interested in you.

OP wasn't super explicit on background here.  But if he doesn't have a track record of at least being friendly and chatty and possibly flirty IRL, I wouldn't jump to this.   I don't think it's that weird for a karate teacher of minors to plug in emergency numbers. 

[Catwoman]

I agree with others that you are overthinking this. I don't think the guy was hitting on you, and I don't think he was being a jerk or actually blaming you for anything.

I think it was an honest mistake. I think he's interested in the other Sara that he knows, and he accidentally texted you by mistake. 

His first text only said, "Hey." That's not a text you would send to someone you don't normally communicate with. And if he was interested in you, you would have gotten some indication of that when you have seen him in person.

Also, he apologized right away and tried to make a joke out of it, but instead of realizing it was just his way of covering his embarrassment, you got insulted. 

I think you should let this go and behave normally with the guy. It was an easy mistake for him to have made, so I don't think you should hold it against him.

 

[Lecka]

I don’t necessarily think it’s weird. 
 

But I have a policy to err on the side of not assuming there’s an innocent explanation, if it has to do with my kids.  
 

I would just be thinking if there’s anything that has seemed like a weird vibe with the class or how he interacts with teenage students.  
 

Things are either 100% professional or they aren’t.  
 

I’m not saying I would just go off of this happening, but I think it’s worth taking seriously as something happening that is not professional in the context of wondering if there is anything else or just giving it thought.  

[saraha]

I did say though that he has never acted towards me in anyway ever. So I totally gave him the benefit of the doubt. 
I was really annoyed about his comment blaming me. I totally admit I am sensitive to any hint of misogyny since I became a mom of girls 

[Catwoman]

20 minutes ago, Katy said:

IME cops will do a lot of things when they’re home drinking that they would NEVER do when sober in the light of day. 

Why are we jumping to the conclusion that the guy was drinking?

That's just mean.

He made a simple mistake. Why read anything more into it than that?

[Katy]

10 minutes ago, catz said:

OP wasn't super explicit on background here.  But if he doesn't have a track record of at least being friendly and chatty and possibly flirty IRL, I wouldn't jump to this.   I don't think it's that weird for a karate teacher of minors to plug in emergency numbers. 

Yeah, it's not the initial (possibly mistaken) text that made me think that. It's the continuing to text and blaming her. There's no need for continuing unless he wanted to continue the conversation.

[Catwoman]

Just now, saraha said:

I did say though that he has never acted towards me in anyway ever. So I totally gave him the benefit of the doubt. 
I was really annoyed about his comment blaming me. I totally admit I am sensitive to any hint of misogyny since I became a mom of girls 

I really think he was just joking. 

He was embarrassed and he didn't know what to say, so he made a stupid joke.

Please don't let this upset you. 

[Catwoman]

Just now, Katy said:

Yeah, it's not the initial (possibly mistaken) text that made me think that. It's the continuing to text and blaming her. There's no need for continuing unless he wanted to continue the conversation.

I'm thinking he knows he's going to see her at karate, so he wanted to joke around a little and smooth things over so it won't be awkward when he sees her again.

[Katy]

Just now, Catwoman said:

Why are we jumping to the conclusion that the guy was drinking?

That's just mean.

He made a simple mistake. Why read anything more into it than that?

I could be wrong. But I was raised by a cop and most of our male family friends were cops. It's its own culture. It's not mean, it's common. It doesn't matter anyway, she clearly shut him down.

[Lecka]

I think since he’s a role model for your children it’s okay to have a higher bar.  

[Catwoman]

2 minutes ago, Lecka said:

I think since he’s a role model for your children it’s okay to have a higher bar.  

But what did he actually do wrong, other than mistakenly texting the wrong person?

Edited June 30 by Catwoman
Punctuation is a thing!

[Lecka]

I am honestly all about — if somebody gets a weird vibe from someone who is a child’s coach, then listen to it, this is somebody our kids trust and respect, they have to be 100% professional. 
 

I don’t think this is necessarily something that is unprofessional in a concerning way, but it could be.  I can’t see ruling out that it’s concerning, because it could be concerning.  I think it’s one piece of information to consider, I guess.  
 

But I do think, who cares if this guy did this text, other than as seeing a side of him or wondering if he does this with moms of students.  And if he does — yikes.  

[saraha]

4 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

But what did he actually do wrong, other than mistakenly text the wrong person?

At the beginning of this thread, I was thinking what he had done wrong was to blame me for his mistake. Not the actual text. But I’m thinking that I was seeing some misogynistic joke when there wasn’t one.

he also teaches my dds, and I’m just super vigilant about even “joking”

Edited June 30 by saraha

[Lecka]

@Catwoman  we don’t know that it was a  mis-sent text. We can take his word for it, or wonder if he is seeing what happens if he hits up moms of his students.  Because it could easily be that.  Yes, it could easily not be that.  But I don’t get saying “oh it’s impossible.”  It is possible.  

[Katy]

3 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

But what did he actually do wrong, other than mistakenly texting the wrong person?

The blaming her is a flirting strategy called negging. Tiny insults make many women obsessively analyze what, if anything, they did wrong. She did nothing wrong, but now she's thinking about proving she did nothing wrong and wondering if he did. It upsets the social balance and makes many women feel a tiny bit intimidated. It's manipulative.

And clearly her DH got that vibe too, or he wouldn't have been so bothered either.

[Catwoman]

Just now, Lecka said:

@Catwoman  we don’t know that it was a  mis-sent text. We can take his word for it, or wonder if he is seeing what happens if he hits up moms of his students.  Because it could easily be that.  Yes, it could easily not be that.  But I don’t get saying “oh it’s impossible.”  It is possible.  

Well, obviously everyone can believe whatever they want to believe, but sending Sarah a text that just said, "Hey," when she would have no reason to expect to hear from him, makes no sense. Combine that with the fact that he has never shown the slightest interest in her when she has seen him at karate, and that seems to add up to a simple mistake. 

It seems like a few people are reading an awful lot into this.

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, Katy said:

The blaming her is a flirting strategy called negging. Tiny insults make many women obsessively analyze what, if anything, they did wrong. She did nothing wrong, but now she's thinking about proving she did nothing wrong and wondering if he did. It upsets the social balance and makes many women feel a tiny bit intimidated. It's manipulative.

And clearly her DH got that vibe too, or he wouldn't have been so bothered either.

I think you're really stretching here!

[Lecka]

I’m actually paranoid enough to think it can work on some moms and lead to access to their daughters, if they end up dating or something.  It’s a way people groom others or look for victims.  
 

Of course I’m not making that assumption or jumping to that conclusion.

But I think it’s possible.  I don’t think it’s something where we can just 100% say “no that’s not possible.”  

[Katy]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

I think you're really stretching here!

Both OP & her DH's instincts are that something is off here.  She's trying to talk herself out of her fear.  IMO there's no reason to.  IMO she can trust her feelings on this.  She shut him down.  There is unlikely to be any further inappropriate contact unless she tries to prove to him that she didn't do anything wrong.

And just because she's never felt that directed at her from him before means nothing.  Maybe he's casting a wide net with all the moms. Maybe, as a cop, he's smart enough to not flirt in front of witnesses.  It really doesn't matter.  I'm going to maintain OP can trust herself on this.

[Catwoman]

Just now, Lecka said:

I’m actually paranoid enough to think it can work on some moms and lead to access to their daughters, if they end up dating or something.  It’s a way people groom others or look for victims.  
 

Of course I’m not making that assumption or jumping to that conclusion.

But I think it’s possible.  I don’t think it’s something where we can just 100% say “no that’s not possible.”  

What I think is that the guy deserves the benefit of the doubt unless he does something else in the future that seems questionable. 

I think it's pretty terrible that anyone is hinting that he might be some kind of pervert, be hitting on a married woman, or having texted Sarah because he was drinking heavily at 10:30 in the morning. 

Seriously, this guy is her kids' karate instructor, and he has never once said or done anything inappropriate to Sarah or her kids. Why not just assume that it was a mistake? If it happens again, worry about it then. But for now, it just seems paranoid to be suspicious of the guy.

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, Katy said:

Both OP & her DH's instincts are that something is off here.  She's trying to talk herself out of her fear.  IMO there's no reason to.  IMO she can trust her feelings on this.  She shut him down.  There is unlikely to be any further inappropriate contact unless she tries to prove to him that she didn't do anything wrong.

And just because she's never felt that directed at her from him before means nothing.  Maybe he's casting a wide net with all the moms. Maybe, as a cop, he's smart enough to not flirt in front of witnesses.  It really doesn't matter.  I'm going to maintain OP can trust herself on this.

When did Sarah say she was fearful? Did I miss something?

I thought she was angry because she felt that he was blaming her for his mistake.

[Katy]

2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

When did Sarah say she was fearful? Did I miss something?

I thought she was angry because she felt that he was blaming her for his mistake.

She didn't blatantly use the word fear, but she described not just anger, but fear of over analyzing and regret that she deleted the texts. Maybe anxiety is a better word.  But doubting herself so much is definitely in the neighborhood of fear.

Besides, a comment that she was grateful it wasn't a different kind of picture was kind of humiliating for him. She handled it perfectly, he was embarrassed, he will not make a pass again.

[Lecka]

3 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Seriously, this guy is her kids' karate instructor, and he has never once said or done anything inappropriate to Sarah or her kids. Why not just assume that it was a mistake? If it happens again, worry about it then. But for now, it just seems paranoid to be suspicious of the guy.

I consider myself to be giving him the benefit of the doubt.  
 

But I don’t think that’s the same as thinking it couldn’t possibly be anything but a totally innocent misunderstanding, and it’s wrong to have any other thoughts about it.  
 

I have thoughts about not wanting anything to happen to my daughter or having her be around things I don’t like.  I am pro-active in my cautiousness but I don’t think that I over-react in practice.  
 

Also I do think coaches hit up mom’s sometimes.  I don’t think it’s a bizarre idea to think a coach could be hitting on a mom.  
 

I think it’s totally inappropriate if that is what is happening, and a bad sign…. And just to think “well it couldn’t possibly be that he’s hitting on a mom, because when he got called out he said is was a mis-text” is like — just more naive than I’m willing to be.  
 

However I don’t think I do jump to conclusions or rush to judge others, just by thinking about things that are possible.  
 

I have only got one daughter and she is my priority, not the feelings of a random adult man.  That is my base for looking at things.  
 

Not — “oh no, what if I wrong a random adult man by having thoughts in my mind.”

[Lecka]

I do think there are a lot of actions that would be inappropriate, any action beyond just keeping an open thought I think would be an open thought.

I don’t feel like I have made an accusation here.  I have a thought that it could be a mistake.  I have a thought it might not be a mistake.  I have a thought it’s creepy to try to pick up a parent of a student.  None of these are accusations, they are just thoughts.  
 

I do think it’s possible it was a mistake, too.  
 

I do think it was unprofessional, I think that’s safe to say.  

[catz]

First of all no one here said "it's not possible".  And of course it is unprofessional.  No one is saying protect this poor 30 year old's feelings at all costs.  She responded appropriately.  

If she had a lead up with crossing boundaries and negative vibe, that would telling.   If her kids were complaining about this teacher that might also be telling.  If this is the first weird incident with this person, I just wouldn't immediately jump to worst case scenario.  OP said they take kids to karate and stay on site.  Which is good conscientous parenting for kids younger than teens.  Every time my kids would come out of a class like we'd talk about how it went and what went down.  Also conscientous parenting.  All our activities required double deep leadership and background checks.  Many had parent lounges and peek windows.  Good design.  

At the end of the day, I try to not attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.  Malice tends to be targeted, persistant and ongoing.  30 year old guys can be full of stupidity in my experience.  Parents should always be conscientous of those around their young kids.  

[SKL]

I don't think you should be angry about it.  Maybe you should block his number though, because he's annoying.

[Clarita]

Usually, I just show my husbnad the crazy text and ghost. I don't give a lot of responses to these things, it never ends well when I do.

I think I'd be a bit peeved that he made the comment about me tricking him, but also there's nothing good that can come from me following up on that stupid. 

[SKL]

Also, when I get a text that doesn't seem to be for me, I just text back "wrong number."  No analysis required.

[cintinative]

9 hours ago, Annie G said:

 If it was messenger I’d check w him to see if his Facebook has been hacked. I’ve had friends get hacked and out of the blue I get a messenger ‘hi’ from them when I know they’d not just do a drive by hi. 
 

This^^^

Sometimes when I have received random FB messages from people I haven't messaged with, it is because they were hacked.

[QueenCat]

I don't think you have anything to fear. The man made a mistake & attempted to joke out of it, to safe face. That's perfectly normal.

I would just let it go. 

[elegantlion]

I would consider it a mistake and an awkward exchange to cover up his own mistake. On another note, can we teach our young people that opening with a "hey" text is not good flirting. Sheesh. 

If you want to cover your bases and send a message, I would change your emergency contact info with the coach to your dh's phone number - like request this in writing. Then you can safely block his number. Personally, I wouldn't do this unless the situation actually escalated. I would assume he really did mean to text another person. 

[saraha]

Yeah, I’m not escalating to blocking or anything. He has never made an untoward move or comment before. I think that part is an innocent mistake. I was really taking stock of me immediately getting my back up about the “you tricked me” comment, both that he said it and dh blew it off. My only other responses to him were “wrong number, have a great weekend” and “no problem “. I immediately deleted so I wouldn’t over think and send another text later. But his response on “you tricked me” flew up my nose so I did respond “yeah, not my fault” thankfully there hasn’t been anymore texts. Thankfully it was just a picture of his face so that we can both exist in the same space. I am going to have dh take the kids the next few weeks, mostly so he doesn’t try to say anything to me about it and we can let it go, because he must also be an over thinker, otherwise why would he send a dumb joke 10 minutes later when I had already closed the conversation with no problem?

After sleeping on it, I still think it was a misogynistic joke to make, but am going to roll my eyes and let it go. He has made several misogynistic comments over the last couple of years, but as he has had my dds, those have dropped off dramatically. (Comments like, oh you hit like a girl, etc) He is the dad of a dd, so his comments caught me off guard, but I’m chalking it up to young and dumb and military now police as a job. Hopefully he does better for his daughter. The only time we’ve exchanged comments is when he was complaining about taking his dd to the Barbie movie. She stood there with her head hanging down while he ran down the movie. My response when he was done was that he was not the intended audience for that movie but I’m glad he took her. If it made him that uncomfortable, that shows he has room to grow, but it also shows he cares enough about his dd to share in things she’s interested in. Good job, hopefully you get over the hurt the movie caused you. And winked at his dd. He blustered about a bit, but got over it. 😆

We don’t really make conversation other than a few words about practice, so still confident the whole thing started as a mistake.

Thank you all for talking me down 😁

[Indigo Blue]

37 minutes ago, saraha said:

I was really taking stock of me immediately getting my back up about the “you tricked me” comment, both that he said it and dh blew it off.

I get it. I’m with you on this. I agree with let it go, but I still get this part. I’d feel the same. It may be because I seem to be hyper aware of people’s nonsense, and it sounds like you may be, too. Maybe a result of environmental circumstances? I really do get it. 
 

And the part about his daughter and the movie just makes me so sad. 

Edited June 30 by Indigo Blue

[Jaybee]

I'm not even sure the "you tricked me" should be seen as misogynistic--I don't think I would have interpreted it that way, but 🤷‍♀️

[gardenmom5]

Your dh is more aware of this guy was trying to hit on you than are you.
I agree with your dh, he's a jerk trying to save face by blaming you.   he's not a nice guy.

 .

[Ginevra]

Have not read replies but, yes, you’re overthinking. Shrug. Move on. 
 

FWIW, I would not have gotten dh involved at this point. This is because I have read so many Reddits where a chorus of internet strangers tell some poor guy he’s being a blind idiot and his wife is steppin’ out with the cop. 
 

It is entirely possible that the guy truly did text the wrong Sara and then tried to cover his embarrassment by making it seem like *you* did it. 
 

If you get any further interactions from him, just nip it in the bud and don’t involve dh unless it turns threatening somehow. 
 

I have had to curb guys two times that I think we’re putting out feelers to see how definite my marital status was. It came down to me texting back that I did not want them to text me any further because it could seem inappropriate and could cause my husband distress. Neither guy enjoyed hearing this and said lashing-out things but the texts stopped. Come to think of it, I also blocked them, so that would be why the texts stopped! 😆 But anyway. My advice is to stop ruminating about it and dont involve dh any further. If he keeps accidentally or “accidentally” texting you, just block his number. The karate instructor does not need your number anyway. 

[Ginevra]

10 hours ago, Katy said:

The blaming her is a flirting strategy called negging. Tiny insults make many women obsessively analyze what, if anything, they did wrong. She did nothing wrong, but now she's thinking about proving she did nothing wrong and wondering if he did. It upsets the social balance and makes many women feel a tiny bit intimidated. It's manipulative.

And clearly her DH got that vibe too, or he wouldn't have been so bothered either.

She always has the option of giving him zero to go on. Her thinking about it and analyzing it and wondering if he’s a misogynist is on her. She can cease doing that and then the interaction adds up to a big, fat nothing. 

[Indigo Blue]

This is just my opinion, but if I were a guy and I inadvertently texted a mom of my student with texts that could be construed as flirty, the only thing I would consider the proper and correct thing to do is apologize sincerely. I would feel bad for the discomfort and awkwardness it caused her. So this is a reason the “you tricked me” response is weird to me and would cause me to be skeptical. Now, I realize he may be too immature or possibly too self absorbed to see that, but….still no harm done. It’s just how I would handle it if I were in his shoes. And that’s how I think he should have handled it. Just a mature, adult apology.