Grad party etiquette

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

I have two high school graduation parties that I’ve RSVPd to today, both family. One wouldn’t notice if we showed up and the other we are much closer to and would.

My conundrum is that the last two weeks have been hell on earth in my life and I’m down to, literally, $50 to make it till Wednesday.  I am expecting a check in the mail but it didn’t show up today. I can’t even give $10 in a card right now.

Should I skip the grad parties despite the RSVP? Or go and drop a card with cash in the mail as soon as I get paid? Or something different?

Edited June 29 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[Ottakee]

Certainly show up to at least the one that would miss you and likely both if you enjoy time with the other family.  I have no idea who gave my kids a card/gift and who didn’t.  I just appreciated everyone that showed up to support them.

[Katy]

Go. Text the kids & parents that their gift will be delayed due to an unexpected problem. 

[KrissiK]

Go to the grad parties, send the gift later.

[Beth S]

Please go and enjoy the Grad Parties.  Consider being comfortable with making your own grad card (with a mortarboard jpg), & writing a fond memory of your families' shared experiences.     Frankly there will be a pile of cards, and the actual graduate will likely never remember the gifts.

They don't need to know your financial situation.  It's a party!

Another go-to gift of ours is to get a reprint of a photo of the grad, & insert it in a $2 Walmart frame.  Or a giant candy bar.  Honestly, I just don't think that the gifts are an admission ticket for a party.

 

Edited June 29 by Beth S

[catz]

I would go!

And honestly, I wouldn't feel obligated to send it gift later if your finances are this tight right now.  I know as a parent I would feel awful if I knew these circumstances and you still sent something.  This would not bother me in the least.  We had people come to our wedding and not bring a gift.  I cannot tell you who did gift and who didn't for things like this.  Other than the one uncle who demands every event of his kids is like holding high court and didn't send a card when my kids graduated or shoot them a text lol.  

Writing a note in a blank card and having the kids sign it and throwing it in with the cards is fine.  

[wintermom]

I don't really know what high school graduation parties typically look like. It's not a thing in my life (seems quite unheard of in Canada). If it's a big, formal event, like the actual ceremony, I'd go to that, maybe, though they can be long. If it was a less formal social gathering, it would depend on my mood. Are your dc going to go, are they excited to go? That would influence me more that having a gift, TBH.

So sorry you are in this place right now. Hope you are in the mood for a party and can enjoy yourself - but I'm fully supportive of staying home and doing something nice for you.

Edited June 29 by wintermom

[SKL]

You don't owe them anything, but they should be thrilled if you attend and say, "I'm sending you something in the mail."

Enjoy the cake.  🙂

[marbel]

I would go, because I said I would, give my best wishes, and say nothing about a delayed gift. If you want to, you can surprise them with a gift later, but don't set that obligation up at the party.  They don't need to hear it and you don't need to be thinking about how you "owe" them a gift because you said you'd give one. 

I get grumpy about expectations for high school graduation parties. In the US, graduating high school is not some huge accomplishment for most kids (obviously there are kids for whom it is a great accomplishment; I am speaking generally). It is a milestone and as such some people may want to give a gift for reaching that stage of life. But it should never be an obligation to give a gift. 

[Hannah]

I would go as they obviously would like you there, else they would not have invited you.

You are not obligated to bring a gift or to promise them one. Write a card and leave it at that.

There will be other milestones in their life when your circumstances have improved and you are able to bring a gift.

Edited June 29 by Hannah

[kirstenhill]

I'd go, and send a gift later if you are able to! I've gone to parties/weddings and just forgotten the gift, and sent it later.  I've only had one kid graduate so far, but I would much rather people come and not bring a gift than not come because they couldn't bring a gift at the time.  We were more excited about celebrating with DD than noticing if anyone in particular didn't bring a gift.  I did look through DD's cards/gifts with her but couldn't possibly have remembered if some people didn't give a gift, as we were looking through the box of cards at the end of a very long day!

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

We went to both. The first was DH’s cousins son that weve maybe seen twice in 15 years of marriage despite living only a few miles apart. We didn’t stay long and honestly I may not send a card.  The second was my cousin’s daughter who my kids know and all their out of town cousins were there so I am glad we went.  I told her I’d drop the card in the mail this week.

Things are just really tough right now. DH has been diagnosed with misophonia as part of this neuro presentation and it’s really better he lives by himself, and we are really not prepared to pay for two households(fortunately this all happened when we had two vacant houses due to tenants moving out of the bigger house, so I moved in). Then I keep finding things broken in my house that my tenants never told me about. This week it was a crack in the upstairs bathroom bathtub which I found when part of my downstairs ceiling developed a hole.  The oven is broke, which they never disclosed either.  So I have to buy a new oven now. And I am having major crises at work that are just never ending with this college program directorship that I stepped into.  
I am just cognitively overloaded and something small like a card is too much right now.

[Drama Llama]

I am so sorry to hear about everything.  I hope things start looking up for you soon.  
 

I don’t think I would notice if someone brought a gift or not, and if I knew a family member was struggling I would want them to keep their $ anyway.

[mommyoffive]

I am so sorry for everything going on.  I hope that thinks look up soon.

I am glad you went to both, I hope it was a nice time.  I would say don't send a gift that is $ right now.  I would never want that if I knew someone was struggling.

[freesia]

Add me to the people who would never want you to give a grad gift to my child when you are struggling. Hugs. That is so hard. 

[Harriet Vane]

4 hours ago, Drama Llama said:

I am so sorry to hear about everything.  I hope things start looking up for you soon.  
 

I don’t think I would notice if someone brought a gift or not, and if I knew a family member was struggling I would want them to keep their $ anyway.

Same.

[SKL]

I'm glad you went!

I agree with those who said that they don't want gifts of money from anyone who is struggling financially.  (My initial impression was that you were just temporarily cash poor for a few days, but it seems I misinterpreted.)

Honestly, I don't even have parties for my kids, because most of the people I'd invite are not people who should be spending money on my kids.  But we need opportunities to bring people together, especially around rites of passage.  That's the real value add in my opinion.

PS, about misophonia ... my kid has it too ... and until your post above, it never occurred to me that maybe that's why she usually avoids the rest of us.  So thanks for mentioning that.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

6 hours ago, SKL said:

I'm glad you went!

I agree with those who said that they don't want gifts of money from anyone who is struggling financially.  (My initial impression was that you were just temporarily cash poor for a few days, but it seems I misinterpreted.)

Honestly, I don't even have parties for my kids, because most of the people I'd invite are not people who should be spending money on my kids.  But we need opportunities to bring people together, especially around rites of passage.  That's the real value add in my opinion.

PS, about misophonia ... my kid has it too ... and until your post above, it never occurred to me that maybe that's why she usually avoids the rest of us.  So thanks for mentioning that.

I think it’s probably temporary and just got hit with a lot the last two weeks, but I think things will be a little tough for a while.  Summer camps start Monday and I can pick up a lot of shifts at my second job overnights.  
I am just having a really stressful time. 

[Arcadia]

For my relatives and most of my husband’s aunts, graduation parties, birthday parties, weddings, engagement parties are all “just come, don’t need to bring anything” affairs. Gifts are etiquette but the host would rather you come empty handed. These are milestone celebrations and a chance for a gathering. 
As for graduation party gifts, they go to the person being celebrated so parents won’t even know who gave what. 

[J-rap]

I'm glad you went to the parties.  Your presence is more important than a gift.  (Or even just a card afterwards -- with a nice note inside -- would probably feel very special.)

A few people in our family/extended family have misophonia.   It's definitely genetic or our family!