I can't sleep, who is up?

[DawnM]

UGH.   I am stressed and my mind won't shut off.   

I went to the bank yesterday to get two of dad's accounts put in my name by getting a medallion signature.   Well, the bank's person said they couldn't do the signature without a statement from the IRA account that shows the exact amount.   

But the IRA account says the account isn't in my name yet so they won't give me a statement or tell me how much is in there!   

This is one reason I never got all of the accounts taken care of, I kept hitting road blocks.

After much back and forth, I FINALLY got one of the IRA account folks to send me a statement over email.   The other one, I figured out how to make an online account as if I were my dad, and so I have that one now too.   

Heading to the bank ASAP today to get this done and the forms mailed out with dad's death certificate.

And I have to pack today.   We leave tomorrow.   And I am trying not to freak out about the fact that I am flying a Boeing 737 across the entire Atlantic Ocean.   

Ok, thanks for listening, I just needed to get that all out.   Maybe it will help get me back to sleep in a bit.   I have already done a load of dishes and am sitting here with a cup of tea.

Why are you up?

[Rosie_0801]

Well, that's a lot. No wonder you're wound up.

 

(I'm awake because it is dinner time in my time zone.)

[DawnM]

5 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Well, that's a lot. No wonder you're wound up.

 

(I'm awake because it is dinner time in my time zone.)

I would love some dinner, can you bring me some?

[popmom]

Im sorry you have so much on your mind. That’s a lot. Been there myself. I’m  awake because I’m indulging my night owl tendencies. I’m staying at a property that we are trying to sell—to get the flooring replaced. It sounds like work, and it is…but I’m ALONE. It’s super quiet here. It’s a mini vacation. I’m enjoying the solitude too much maybe. 

[Rosie_0801]

10 minutes ago, DawnM said:

I would love some dinner, can you bring me some?

I would, but would it get through Customs? 😂

[DawnM]

20 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I would, but would it get through Customs? 😂

Sure it will!   What are we having?   

[Rosie_0801]

1 minute ago, DawnM said:

Sure it will!   What are we having?   

Veggie soup, sprinkled with sage from my garden.

Liquid. So, I guess it wouldn't be allowed on the plane...

Disappointing, eh?

[DawnM]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

Veggie soup, sprinkled with sage from my garden.

Liquid. So, I guess it wouldn't be allowed on the plane...

Disappointing, eh?

Sigh, well, if you aren't even going to TRY! 😂

[Rosie_0801]

2 minutes ago, DawnM said:

Sigh, well, if you aren't even going to TRY! 😂

You want me to drive two hours to the airport, fight the airport staff, hijack the plane, all so you don't have to stand up, walk to and open your fridge?

I'm a-thinking you don't quite have the moral high ground here. 😂

AND I'd have to learn to use Siri or Alexa or someone while I'm driving, to get them to google how to fly a plane.

Damn my crappy education. Why did no one teach me to fly a plane in high school?

[DawnM]

22 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

You want me to drive two hours to the airport, fight the airport staff, hijack the plane, all so you don't have to stand up, walk to and open your fridge?

I'm a-thinking you don't quite have the moral high ground here. 😂

AND I'd have to learn to use Siri or Alexa or someone while I'm driving, to get them to google how to fly a plane.

Damn my crappy education. Why did no one teach me to fly a plane in high school?

So does that mean you aren't going to try?

[scholastica]

I am. I have been up for nearly an hour. I fell asleep before 10, which my body thinks means I need to be up at 4 for some reason. 😂. Going to go get up and make tea (real thing, dh is still sleeping). 
I’m sorry for all you are dealing with with your father’s estate. I get why there are all these security protocols, but it’s seriously frustrating to try to get through them. They make it nearly impossible. Good luck! Safe travels! 

[TexasProud]

I have been up, but not on here.  I am sorry about your dad's estate stuff. It can be so stressful.

And you are going back to where you grew up, correct?

Not to add more stress, but keep an eye on the news. Major stuff happened yesterday there. (I am sorry to add to the stress, but want you to be safe.) Not saying you should cancel. Just be very aware. You will be arriving on the weekend I am thinking which should make it less dangerous.  But keep your ear to the ground. 

As you know my hubby is headed there in a couple of weeks, so we are watching it very closely.

Edited June 26 by TexasProud

[Faith-manor]

Hugs Dawn! I am so sorry. That is very stressful.

Hopefully you will be on one of the older models of 737. Those were safe and reliable.

I wasn't up as early as you...5:20. I needed to catch the train, and it is a 50 minute drive.

[Scarlett]

I was awake at 5:30 and my mind would not shut off.  I should have gotten up because I just had weird dreams after that. 
 

Then by 7:30 a bad thunderstorm his us. There is siding off our house and a big tree down in the neighbors yard.  
 

Dawn that is crazy you are still fighting to get your dads money.  So sorry.

[DawnM]

Good news.....I just about lost it when I went back to the bank today and they tried to tell me they wouldn't stamp it.  We finally called the other financial institution and got it resolved over the phone so that I can now get the stamp and mail it in.   WHEW!   Under the wire.

And after 25 years of relative calm in Kenya......well.....the DAY I plan to go.....just got this from our drivers:

"Yesterday was the beginning and lots of people were killed and the president issued a statement saying that was an act of treason. People stormed the parliament and stole instruments of power and destroyed property all round. Tomorrow is termed the mother of the demonstrations and phrases to make the president leave office are being chanted all over. It might get ugly but we are just praying hard."

 

I have lived through two military Coups in Kenya and one in Liberia.   But I haven't had to fly in and stay in a hotel during one.   

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, DawnM said:

Good news.....I just about lost it when I went back to the bank today and they tried to tell me they wouldn't stamp it.  We finally called the other financial institution and got it resolved over the phone so that I can now get the stamp and mail it in.   WHEW!   Under the wire.

And after 25 years of relative calm in Kenya......well.....the DAY I plan to go.....just got this from our drivers:

"Yesterday was the beginning and lots of people were killed and the president issued a statement saying that was an act of treason. People stormed the parliament and stole instruments of power and destroyed property all round. Tomorrow is termed the mother of the demonstrations and phrases to make the president leave office are being chanted all over. It might get ugly but we are just praying hard."

 

I have lived through two military Coups in Kenya and one in Liberia.   But I haven't had to fly in and stay in a hotel during one.   

Dawn that is so scary!

[Ausmumof3]

3 hours ago, DawnM said:

Good news.....I just about lost it when I went back to the bank today and they tried to tell me they wouldn't stamp it.  We finally called the other financial institution and got it resolved over the phone so that I can now get the stamp and mail it in.   WHEW!   Under the wire.

And after 25 years of relative calm in Kenya......well.....the DAY I plan to go.....just got this from our drivers:

"Yesterday was the beginning and lots of people were killed and the president issued a statement saying that was an act of treason. People stormed the parliament and stole instruments of power and destroyed property all round. Tomorrow is termed the mother of the demonstrations and phrases to make the president leave office are being chanted all over. It might get ugly but we are just praying hard."

 

I have lived through two military Coups in Kenya and one in Liberia.   But I haven't had to fly in and stay in a hotel during one.   

Oh heck! Stay safe 😞 

[ava_johnson]

Lately, I've been sleeping very poorly and not getting enough sleep at night

[Terabith]

I don’t know if I should start another thread or not but I also can’t sleep.  My anxiety has been so bad lately, and I feel like I’m going to jump out of my skin.  It feels so wrong. I’ve moisturized and showered and walked in circles for two hours and taken three klonopin, and I am still scared of absolutely nothing and I feel desperate. My chair broke, and it feels like the last straw. I don’t think we can afford to get another one.  We already tried fixing it once but apparently it didn’t work, and without a chair I literally feel like I don’t have a spot in my house.  I don’t feel like I belong.  The chair is what makes the house feel like mine.  And we’ve had to do $700 of work on the car, get new tags for the car, get a new bathroom pipe, psycho educational testing for my daughter, and a new roof this month.  I canceled my colonoscopy because we can’t afford it.  We can’t afford for me to go back to the psychiatrist to try to adjust the meds. I am taking a drug test tomorrow for a second job teaching swim lessons, but I’m worried that the over the counter hemp gummies I’ve been taking (except tonight because of drug test) to help me sleep might make me fail.  My husband is like we will just get a chair on a payment plan but I feel like I am a liability to the family and cause nothing but expense and don’t bring worth.  I’m worried neither of my kids will ever be able to support themselves or live independently or hold jobs. My oldest was supposed to work at a summer camp but during training they realized they couldn’t do it and quit.  They’re 20 and have never had a job.  Not even babysitting.  My youngest didn’t see the email inviting people to apply for jobs at the library for several hours and by the time they responded, they weren’t taking any more applications.  They want to be a librarian as a career and really need some experience in a library to find out if that’s a realistic career path with their disabilities.  I’m not sure how we can afford to support them forever but I’m increasingly worried we will have to.  I’m just so desperately anxious all the time and my sleep is a disaster.  I’m constantly having chest pains, and my heart is always racing and pounding but I’ve been told it’s fine and it’s just anxiety.  And we have to go see my parents in a couple weeks for a week, which is off the charts stressful and I’m not sure I can do it but I have to because they’re going to help pay for college for my youngest.  And then we get back Sunday morning at midnight and I have to run a camp at preschool at 8 am Monday morning.  I just don’t know how to live with this level of anxiety.  It’s been insanely high ever since my last hospitalization when hospital shrink told me I’d never get out and they’d destroy my brain with shock treatment and I had to kiss her ass and tell her how deluded I was and everything she did made me so much better to get out.  We actually got her fired; she was doing it to a lot of patients and the formal legal complaints we and my outpatient psychiatrist submitted were the final nail for her, but my anxiety and blood pressure have never returned to normal in the eight years since.  

[popmom]

(((Terabith))) that level of anxiety is miserable. I cannot know exactly what you are experiencing, but I really struggled when I was perimenopausal. It was all so irrational and real and miserable. Everything felt catastrophic. My heart goes out to you. I was even terrified to try new meds. Out of sheer desperation I started taking my DD’s old Zoloft (she had stopped taking it). It helped me so much. 
 

A lot of my anxiety was related to SN kids, too. (((Hugs)))

Edited June 27 by popmom

[Terabith]

The anxiety is physically so painful.  I keep scratching my skin until it bleeds.  My heart is always racing and pounding and I have constant chest pain and feel like I can’t catch my breath. It gets better and worse but it never goes away.  I’m always so impressed by the people on the sleep thread’s heart rate because mine is just tooling along at 130 and even when I’m asleep it’s like 90. I never relax, and frankly I’m not sure I can live like this much longer. 

[popmom]

I just took a second Klonopin, myself. It’s been a day. I think all the things are going to work out, but I know when my heart is beating hard—I’m not going to sleep. Even with Trazodone. Fortunately, it’s rare these days, but the past few nights have been rough. 

[popmom]

1 minute ago, Terabith said:

The anxiety is physically so painful.  I keep scratching my skin until it bleeds.  My heart is always racing and pounding and I have constant chest pain and feel like I can’t catch my breath. It gets better and worse but it never goes away.  I’m always so impressed by the people on the sleep thread’s heart rate because mine is just tooling along at 130 and even when I’m asleep it’s like 90. I never relax, and frankly I’m not sure I can live like this much longer. 

I would agree that something has to change. You deserve to feel better. Could yours be hormone related? 

[Terabith]

And I can’t stop thinking about poor Obama who disappeared and how he died. If it was fast or if he laid there for days in pain or trapped slowly dying of thirst.  I feel so damned guilty about him and I’m not sure I should let the little cats out but they love it SO MUCH it feels cruel to take away their freedom.  And when I try to talk about Obama with anyone they tell me my grief is excessive and obsessive. But I was responsible for him and I lost him.  

[popmom]

@Terabith can you go to the ER? I did that a couple of times. I got Ativan and I could watch my heart rate go down on the monitor. It’s a bandaid, but sometimes necessary. 

[Terabith]

3 minutes ago, popmom said:

I would agree that something has to change. You deserve to feel better. Could yours be hormone related? 

I mean maybe. I had an ovary removed five years ago along with my uterus.  I’m 48. I’m not having hot flashes or anything and I have no periods to go on.  But it’s certainly possible.  

[Terabith]

1 minute ago, popmom said:

@Terabith can you go to the ER? I did that a couple of times. I got Ativan and I could watch my heart rate go down on the monitor. It’s a bandaid, but sometimes necessary. 

No, it’s not an emergency, and it’s way too expensive. 

[popmom]

5 minutes ago, Terabith said:

And I can’t stop thinking about poor Obama who disappeared and how he died. If it was fast or if he laid there for days in pain or trapped slowly dying of thirst.  I feel so damned guilty about him and I’m not sure I should let the little cats out but they love it SO MUCH it feels cruel to take away their freedom.  And when I try to talk about Obama with anyone they tell me my grief is excessive and obsessive. But I was responsible for him and I lost him.  

Obama would not want you to suffer over this. Because you ARE suffering. 

3 minutes ago, Terabith said:

I mean maybe. I had an ovary removed five years ago along with my uterus.  I’m 48. I’m not having hot flashes or anything and I have no periods to go on.  But it’s certainly possible.  

There are estrogen receptors literally all over our bodies. You are likely feeling the effects of estrogen deprivation. You have estrogen receptors in your heart, too, which can cause all sorts of craziness. I remember Oprah did a whole show on how she thought she was dying and went to a cardiologist and the whole time it was menopause. And progesterone really helps with sleep. And it’s cheap to get the patch.

Edited June 27 by popmom

[Terabith]

2 minutes ago, popmom said:

Obama would not want you to suffer over this. Because you ARE suffering. 

There are estrogen receptors literally all over our bodies. You are likely feeling the effects of estrogen deprivation. You have estrogen receptors in your heart, too, which can cause all sorts of craziness. I remember Oprah did a whole show on how she thought she was dying and went to a cardiologist and the whole time it was menopause. And progesterone really helps with sleep. And it’s cheap to get the patch.

It’s certainly worth asking about. 

[popmom]

Hot flashes are a very poor indicator of menopause. And people who have hysterectomies go through menopause earlier by an average of 4 years (the last stat I saw at least). 

[popmom]

If it’s too much, go to the ER. You’re not too much for needing relief tonight. Sorry I just saw your other post about this. So scratch that. 

Edited June 27 by popmom

[KSera]

I agree with popmom that adding in some estrogen and/or progesterone could help a lot. My NP told me she thought she was losing her mind and then she started taking estrogen and everything got so much better. 

17 minutes ago, Terabith said:

The anxiety is physically so painful.  I keep scratching my skin until it bleeds.  My heart is always racing and pounding and I have constant chest pain and feel like I can’t catch my breath. It gets better and worse but it never goes away.  I’m always so impressed by the people on the sleep thread’s heart rate because mine is just tooling along at 130 and even when I’m asleep it’s like 90. I never relax, and frankly I’m not sure I can live like this much longer. 

I also wondered from this if you are already on a beta blocker. Given that you mentioned hypertension as well, it could be indicated, and it will keep your heart rate down and really help with those physical anxiety symptoms. If you’re already on one, is your dose low enough that your doctor could raise it? It also makes me wonder if/when you last had Covid, because the constant physical anxiety with high heart rate is a really common after effect. Beta blockers are one of the things commonly prescribed for that as well.
 

I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this and hope that your heart slows down and you can get some rest. (do you have any magnesium you could take? That helps with chest pains also also)

Oh, and also I’m wanting to buy you a chair and have it sent overnight. You need a chair!

[popmom]

I’ll chip in for the chair! I am going to do a guided meditation and try to rest even if I can’t sleep. Hoping you get relief tonight. I’ll check in in the morning. 

Edited June 27 by popmom

[Terabith]

My husband says we will figure out a chair. 

No beta blocker. I’m not sure why they were ruled out. The antiserum on (nortriptyline) is known to raise heart rate as a known side effect. It was down some with all the swimming, but it’s creeping back up as I get anxious. And it is legit a time of lots of transitions:  lost Obama, youngest child graduating from high school, school year schedule into summer. Shrink says that my extreme responses to all transitions are a sign of autism. 
 

I had covid one and hopefully only two in September 2022. It didn’t really seem to increase anxiety.  There’s some base level that has been higher since 2017, and it’s higher now I think because of transitions and expenses   I feel badly that I’m not bringing in more money.  I love my job so much but it doesn’t pay a ton.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[KSera]

3 minutes ago, Terabith said:

No beta blocker. I’m not sure why they were ruled out.

They’re usually not the go to for hypertension because they cause fatigue and there are newer ones that don’t. They use them for hypertension in pregnancy though because they have a long safety track record, and some people such as myself continue on them after (I have been unable to tolerate any other anti hypertensives they’ve tried for one reason or another). They are prescribed to people with POTS as well, to keep heart rate down. It seems like something that could be helpful to ask your dr about. 
 

Sorry all the changes are so tough right now. I could give you some words of encouragement on the ND kids stuff, but not on a public thread. For now I’ll just say it’s okay they aren’t “there” yet. They will change and mature and grow a lot in the next few years, and the current situation isn’t the permanent situation for them. 

[Ausmumof3]

21 minutes ago, Terabith said:

My husband says we will figure out a chair. 

No beta blocker. I’m not sure why they were ruled out. The antiserum on (nortriptyline) is known to raise heart rate as a known side effect. It was down some with all the swimming, but it’s creeping back up as I get anxious. And it is legit a time of lots of transitions:  lost Obama, youngest child graduating from high school, school year schedule into summer. Shrink says that my extreme responses to all transitions are a sign of autism. 
 

I had covid one and hopefully only two in September 2022. It didn’t really seem to increase anxiety.  There’s some base level that has been higher since 2017, and it’s higher now I think because of transitions and expenses   I feel badly that I’m not bringing in more money.  I love my job so much but it doesn’t pay a ton.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One of the guys dh works with had been experiencing similar stuff including the pacing and scratching. He has just found he has some heart thing going on and has to really reduce the stress for six months or so. Is it worth getting checked to make sure there’s nothing physical causing the anxiety? Also have you eaten and rested? You sound quite distressed. I relate to the pet guilt unfortunately. 😞 my response when anything happens to one of our animals is to blame myself and wonder what I could have done better. To a certain point that’s helpful, to help you make the right decisions moving forward but too much is not helpful. I am sure Obama had a better life with you than he would have if he didn’t meet you 😞 

[DawnM]

2 hours ago, Terabith said:

The anxiety is physically so painful.  I keep scratching my skin until it bleeds.  My heart is always racing and pounding and I have constant chest pain and feel like I can’t catch my breath. It gets better and worse but it never goes away.  I’m always so impressed by the people on the sleep thread’s heart rate because mine is just tooling along at 130 and even when I’m asleep it’s like 90. I never relax, and frankly I’m not sure I can live like this much longer. 

Oh my.   You are really struggling.  I am sorry.   I hope you can find something that works for you.

As for the chair, I would at least see what you could get on FB Marketplace or on your local free group.   

[Innisfree]

Thinking of you, @Terabith. I hope you’re feeling better. Please remember that your worth is so far beyond finances; you as a person, persevering through struggles, are the best help and example to your young people. Sending lots of hugs.

[Terabith]

1 hour ago, Innisfree said:

Thinking of you, @Terabith. I hope you’re feeling better. Please remember that your worth is so far beyond finances; you as a person, persevering through struggles, are the best help and example to your young people. Sending lots of hugs.

I slept some and shockingly feel a zillion times better.  Everything always feels the worst when I’m exhausted and it’s dark. 

[Toocrazy!!]

I’m so glad you are feeling better today! Sleep really can make all the difference. I’m so sorry you are struggling. I had terrible anxiety with perimenopause, not to your extent, but I can slightly empathize. 
I hope you can find some relief or help! You deserve to feel better. I wish I could offer more help. 

[kbutton]

10 hours ago, Terabith said:

I’m constantly having chest pains, and my heart is always racing and pounding but I’ve been told it’s fine and it’s just anxiety.

It goes both ways—heart rate issues can cause anxiety, and there are things to rule out.

If they said no to beta blockers, is it maybe due to asthma? I don’t know if you have it, but that is often a cause they are avoided. It is not always an absolute contraindication in the big picture though, so it could be worth revisiting.

That kind of sustained heart rate (ETA if it’s all the time) is not great. My cardiologist has basically cleared me (I have episodic rate issues), but he also recommended I get a fingertip EKG machine so that I can potentially catch rare episodes that they didn’t catch with a month-long monitor. They are very easy to use and provide data. You don’t have to pay for a subscription (but can).

Re: the scratching and lotion—have you tried a good antihistamine at full dose (or multiple doses with guidance)? I know it can be behavioral, but since you mentioned lotion, I assume some level of itch or not feeling quite right contributes.

Re: below quote…let the kitties out! I grew up where almost all cats are combo indoor/outdoor, and they love it! They are so happy! We always felt bad for the occasional indoor only cats.

I don’t know the whole story of Obama, but sometimes cats who live partially outdoors know they are dying and hide. Our cat did this. She hid under the neighbor’s porch and was found a lot later. She was cared for and loved, and she knew it. Obama did too.

10 hours ago, Terabith said:

 I’m not sure I should let the little cats out but they love it SO MUCH it feels cruel to take away their freedom. 

Edited June 27 by kbutton

[Terabith]

6 hours ago, kbutton said:

It goes both ways—heart rate issues can cause anxiety, and there are things to rule out.

If they said no to beta blockers, is it maybe due to asthma? I don’t know if you have it, but that is often a cause they are avoided. It is not always an absolute contraindication in the big picture though, so it could be worth revisiting.

That kind of sustained heart rate (ETA if it’s all the time) is not great. My cardiologist has basically cleared me (I have episodic rate issues), but he also recommended I get a fingertip EKG machine so that I can potentially catch rare episodes that they didn’t catch with a month-long monitor. They are very easy to use and provide data. You don’t have to pay for a subscription (but can).

Re: the scratching and lotion—have you tried a good antihistamine at full dose (or multiple doses with guidance)? I know it can be behavioral, but since you mentioned lotion, I assume some level of itch or not feeling quite right contributes.

Re: below quote…let the kitties out! I grew up where almost all cats are combo indoor/outdoor, and they love it! They are so happy! We always felt bad for the occasional indoor only cats.

I don’t know the whole story of Obama, but sometimes cats who live partially outdoors know they are dying and hide. Our cat did this. She hid under the neighbor’s porch and was found a lot later. She was cared for and loved, and she knew it. Obama did too.

No asthma. My tricyclic antidepressant raises heart rate as one of the things it does.  And I haven’t been exercising quite as intensely as I was. I’m sure that is a factor. 
 

I think Obama was definitely happier during his life going outside.  I don’t think he knew he was dying and went away to die. I know that is a thing but he’d just been to the vet and was very healthy. I suspect he was attacked by another animal in the sewer and died. I just hope it was fast and that he didn’t lie there for days or weeks suffering and dying of thirst and unable to get home.  

[MEmama]

I wish I had helpful words of wisdom, but in their absence I can offer up ((hugs)). 
 

It's a lot, but you are not alone. 

[MEmama]

I was up at 3:15 this morning to take my kiddo to the airport. He's off to a job in California for the summer, after having only been home for 3 weeks (and working full time most of it). 
 

I'm excited for him of course, but selfishly mama-sad I didn't get more time with him. The house already feels empty. 

[Carol in Cal.]

FWIW, I am all the way through menopause, and never had hot flashes.  

But I did have weepy alternating with furious episodes regularly during peri.  Those were eliminated with borage oil capsules, which are OTC nutrients.  2 in the morning, 2 in the evening, starting from day 14 and stopping on day 1 of my cycle.