Bridal Shower Question Update: Solved

[TexasProud]

So my future dil would like for us to have a bridal shower in Texas. She is having one in the state where she grew up. 

I am more than willing, but I have been up most of the night worrying.  I mean, my son hasn't been back to our little town in 4 years (and that was Covid, so not any socializing and he was in college the 4 years before that).  As you know, we haven't been around with all of our traveling in the last couple of years either.  If I hosted one in our small town, maybe 5 people would come (my closer friends). I guess I could host it near where my in-laws live, but again, if it is just family, you are talking maybe 5 people...

I am just not sure what to do. 

Update: My son nixed this as he had no idea who we would invite that wouldn't be at the wedding, ie/family. He didn't think they would have time either. They are having one in the state she grew up in and where they live now and he thought that was plenty.    Thank you everyone for your advice. 

Edited May 20 by TexasProud

[HomeAgain]

Ask them who they would like the guest list to be.  Bridal showers should be a reflection of the couple's community.

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

Ask them who they would like the guest list to be.  Bridal showers should be a reflection of the couple's community.

Ok. Sounds good. That is part of my issue.... They don't have any community in my contacts.  But that question would be a way for me to maybe make her see that.  I don't want to be a bad future MIL and sound like I don't support them.  I just honestly, don't know who would be invited...  

[Innisfree]

I don’t know how to say it tactfully to her, but family isn’t supposed to host showers anyway, right? Because it looks like a gift grab? Aren’t showers supposed to be hosted by friends? I’m sorry she’s putting you in this position, and sure that she’s just excited about wedding preparations. I know the lines of who does what get blurred a lot. But yes, asking her who the guests would be sounds like a good starting point.

[TexasProud]

16 minutes ago, Innisfree said:

I don’t know how to say it tactfully to her, but family isn’t supposed to host showers anyway, right? Because it looks like a gift grab? Aren’t showers supposed to be hosted by friends? I’m sorry she’s putting you in this position, and sure that she’s just excited about wedding preparations. I know the lines of who does what get blurred a lot. But yes, asking her who the guests would be sounds like a good starting point.

Yeah, I also thought they were supposed to be hosted by friends. 

[TheReader]

16 minutes ago, Innisfree said:

I don’t know how to say it tactfully to her, but family isn’t supposed to host showers anyway, right? Because it looks like a gift grab? Aren’t showers supposed to be hosted by friends? I’m sorry she’s putting you in this position, and sure that she’s just excited about wedding preparations. I know the lines of who does what get blurred a lot. But yes, asking her who the guests would be sounds like a good starting point.

culturally, around here it's completely normal that mom/MIL hosts. I know that's different other places, but it's pretty normal in my area. 

[Innisfree]

4 minutes ago, TheReader said:

culturally, around here it's completely normal that mom/MIL hosts. I know that's different other places, but it's pretty normal in my area. 

Maybe @TexasProud can just go ahead with a small shower including whichever group of people seems best, then, family or friends. Five people is what you can do, and that’ll be a nice intimate group. If DIL has other friends in the area, you can add them.

Edited May 20 by Innisfree

[Pawz4me]

22 minutes ago, Innisfree said:

I don’t know how to say it tactfully to her, but family isn’t supposed to host showers anyway, right? Because it looks like a gift grab? Aren’t showers supposed to be hosted by friends? I’m sorry she’s putting you in this position, and sure that she’s just excited about wedding preparations. I know the lines of who does what get blurred a lot. But yes, asking her who the guests would be sounds like a good starting point.

It's common here for aunts of the bride or sisters of the groom to host bridal showers.

[TexasProud]

4 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

It's common here for aunts of the bride or sisters of the groom to host bridal showers.

I am sure my daughter would be willing but she will be gone most of the summer working at a dinner theater in Indiana.  We will be gone most of the fall various places...   UGGHHH... I hate this...  

[Innisfree]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

UGGHHH... I hate this...

I started responding by sounding like Miss Manners, but the thing that bugs me about Miss Manners is that all topics are treated purely as etiquette ones, when often you see great stretches of relationship quicksand underneath that seem to me to cry out for attention. So, I’m backing up. 

Culturally, it’s fine for you to throw a bridal shower in your area. Great.

Relationships are primary. The relationship between you and your almost-DIL is the most important aspect of this. Tell her the truth, that your circle of relationships is small because of circumstances. You will be happy to host the group you can host. Do so with love and care for the details, but let the worry go. Your relationship needs to be based on honesty, and that’s what you’re offering: a loving, small gathering of the people you have. 

[TexasProud]

5 minutes ago, Innisfree said:

I started responding by sounding like Miss Manners, but the thing that bugs me about Miss Manners is that all topics are treated purely as etiquette ones, when often you see great stretches of relationship quicksand underneath that seem to me to cry out for attention. So, I’m backing up. 

Culturally, it’s fine for you to throw a bridal shower in your area. Great.

Relationships are primary. The relationship between you and your almost-DIL is the most important aspect of this. Tell her the truth, that your circle of relationships is small because of circumstances. You will be happy to host the group you can host. Do so with love and care for the details, but let the worry go. Your relationship needs to be based on honesty, and that’s what you’re offering: a loving, small gathering of the people you have. 

Ok, thank you and yes, the relationship is the part that I struggle with.

The relationship between me and this son has been hard.  I wrote a poem about him, basically a love letter of sorts when I was in seminary and I got a scathing email about what a terrible mom I had been to him.  I have spent the last few years trying to be overwhelmingly positive and supportive, bending over backwards NOT to do the things he said I did, though I will be honest, I am not sure I did, but it is his perception so I accept that.   Anyway, it makes honest conversations hard because it almost feels like he would come back with if this was ..... (our daughter) you would do so much more.  If xxx(our oldest son) you would be screaming from the rooftops...  You just don't want to do this because it is me. 

So yeah, worry will be hard not to have.  I want him to feel loved and supported. 

[alisoncooks]

It’s pretty common (where I’m from) for wedding/baby showers to be attended by the ladies of the church. So if they know the mother of the bride or groom, and knew the bride or groom as a child, they attend — even if they’ve lost touch with the young adult. So maybe the future-DIL is coming from that sort of culture?

(But my culture-of-origin also deemed it perfectly acceptable to bring small gifts, like washcloths or potholders or whatever, to a shower. It was more of a social event, not a gift grab.  Sometimes current gift registries feel…excessive.)

[Innisfree]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

the relationship is the part that I struggle with.

I’m sorry; that sounds very difficult. No wonder this is hard for you.

[TexasProud]

20 minutes ago, alisoncooks said:

It’s pretty common (where I’m from) for wedding/baby showers to be attended by the ladies of the church. So if they know the mother of the bride or groom, and knew the bride or groom as a child, they attend — even if they’ve lost touch with the young adult. So maybe the future-DIL is coming from that sort of culture?

(But my culture-of-origin also deemed it perfectly acceptable to bring small gifts, like washcloths or potholders or whatever, to a shower. It was more of a social event, not a gift grab.  Sometimes current gift registries feel…excessive.)

Yeah, this. And I feel like we are in the middle of a cultural shift.  No one is getting married in a church anymore, including them (even though the dil's dad is a minister and my son is as well).  They are getting married in a state park.  Most young people are getting married in small venues.

In my day, yeah, you had to invite the entire church or there would be hell to pay.  And in some ways, I feel like the older generation at our church still might feel that way a little.  But my generation and below do not. I will not be invited to a nearly best friend of mine's daughters wedding.  Our daughters were best friends growing up, but they haven't had contact for 5 years or more.  My friend and I were sitting at lunch and talking and she was semi-apologizing, but I told her not to worry about it at all.  The venue is very small and the couple want THEIR friends and close relatives.  I so get it.  I would be fine and would like to go to a shower though.  

But it is tricky.  I feel like some people would be offended in that scenario, especially in the 65 and above crowd.  But times have changed.  And it would be different if they attended our church.  We have had several bridal showers, some I helped host where I wasn't invited to the wedding.  But my son and his bride live 7 hours away from us.  They are not a part of our congregation. And since we have been coming in and out since Covid, I just feel weird.

I feel stuck between generations if that makes sense. I can see all sides. I am sure the above 65 would come to the bridal shower because for their generation it is socially expected.  However, then not to invite them to the wedding....  yeah, I would be in trouble.  Again, people my age and younger would so understand.  But then they might not come to the shower.  🙂 

[Elizabeth86]

1 hour ago, Innisfree said:

I don’t know how to say it tactfully to her, but family isn’t supposed to host showers anyway, right? Because it looks like a gift grab? Aren’t showers supposed to be hosted by friends? I’m sorry she’s putting you in this position, and sure that she’s just excited about wedding preparations. I know the lines of who does what get blurred a lot. But yes, asking her who the guests would be sounds like a good starting point.

No showers are ALWAYS hosted by family where I’m from.

[Toocrazy!!]

This is tough, showers can get out of hand. If you have five friends that you feel could come, you could have a small lunch to meet the bride. I’ve been to ones where the bride and groom both attend and it’s a couples shower- your friends and their husbands both come. There’s a lot of options, maybe something outside the box will work better. 

[Toocrazy!!]

Lately I’ve almost always seen a sister hosting, technically, but it’s the mother who does a lot of the planning and typically pays. 

[Bambam]

In our area of TX, it is typical for church-going folks to have an announcement in the church bulletin about the shower inviting all the ladies. This assumes you have been a part of the congregation for a while - so that your son would have been there when he was younger and people would remember him - even if vaguely.  People can chose to come or not, but many of the older ladies especially seem to really value and appreciate this level of community and helping and supporting the younger generation.  Maybe not so close as family and friends, but maybe that would be appropriate? Often I've seen these hosted in the church annex type buildings too. Or the community centers. Or folks home if it is big enough to host the gathering. People don't mind close quarters if it is in someone's home though. 

[QueenCat]

I would ask your son and future dil who from their wedding guest list they would like you to invite. I would find it odd to be invited to a bridal shower when I wasn't on the guest list for the wedding or reception. 

[TexasProud]

20 minutes ago, Bambam said:

In our area of TX, it is typical for church-going folks to have an announcement in the church bulletin about the shower inviting all the ladies. This assumes you have been a part of the congregation for a while - so that your son would have been there when he was younger and people would remember him - even if vaguely.  People can chose to come or not, but many of the older ladies especially seem to really value and appreciate this level of community and helping and supporting the younger generation.  Maybe not so close as family and friends, but maybe that would be appropriate? Often I've seen these hosted in the church annex type buildings too. Or the community centers. Or folks home if it is big enough to host the gathering. People don't mind close quarters if it is in someone's home though. 

Yes, we joined this congregation when I was pregnant with this son, so over 28 years ago. But all the ones in the bulletin still attend. Most young people in our congregation stay around here.  Our children are some of the very few who left. Most live here for generations. 

But the other issue is that normally the mom isn't the one to host this.  Her friends organize it and yes, sometimes with the sisters of the groom. My daughter cannot organize it.  She won't be here most of the summer.  In fact, she will only be here a couple of weekends in August as she will be going to Disney to work Sept 1st and won't be back until right before the wedding and cannot ask for time off.  She is in a friend's wedding in August.

And I feel like it would be a social faux pas for me to ask my friends to host.  Plus, honestly, I am only close to 2 or 3 people and it generally takes 6-8 to host one of these things.  And one of those friend's sons is getting married in December and they are hosting a shower in September ( but I will be gone). 

Do you see why this kept me up at night?

[saraha]

I do see why it keeps you up, but I think asking the bride and groom who to invite will probably solve the problem. When they realize they can’t actually come up with names it might open the door to some other way to celebrate.

[Bambam]

Ah, that makes sense if your kids left and most of the kids have remained in the general area. 

I do think asking bride and groom for a guest list is a great idea. But only you can know if son would find this problematical. 

Otherwise, I'd be tempted to explain to bride your circumstances and explain it will be a small shower with maybe 3-4 of your close friends (I would say a few less than I hoped might come simply because people get busy/have other commitments/etc and I would want her to realize it is going to be small so she won't get her hopes up for a bigger event than is likely. )

With the showers I've been involved with, I will say it does not seem all the hostesses participate equally in the planning. It seems like sometimes one or more are name only type hostesses - although I am sure they contribute to the gift and costs of the event. Could your daughter and you host the shower, but of course, you do all the organization/prep? 
 

[Jann in TX]

Ask bride and groom if they have any friends near you they would like to invite-- then you ask your friends/family... if the number is small (5-6) then have the 'shower' at a restaurant like Olive Garden... or host at your home (I'd still suggest having a meal).  If the number ends up being larger then you could go the more 'traditional' (my part of Texas) mode and have appetizers and a few games...

 

[Harriet Vane]

We hosted a super-tiny bridal shower and it was wonderful. Being super-tiny meant it was more intimate and the conversations were deeper. We had just a handful of less than ten. In your situation you could potentially do two small events within a day of each other--have the five that are local and then the five family the next day or something like that. Just call it something like a Bridal Tea. Make sure future dil knows it's small, and then celebrate and make it special. 

[Bootsie]

It is odd to me that she would say that she would "like to have a shower in Texas".  I have lived in areas where it is considered OK for a relative to how a shower (and areas where it is not), but it has alwasy been considered that the bride-to-be is an honored guest by the person hosting the shower--not that the bride-to-be "wants a shower"; that is the part that looks like a gift grab.  Would it be possible to hold a small engagement party or a small bridal luncheon that isn't labelled a "shower" but more of a celebration to intordue her to people in your community?

[freesia]

1 minute ago, Bootsie said:

It is odd to me that she would say that she would "like to have a shower in Texas".  I have lived in areas where it is considered OK for a relative to how a shower (and areas where it is not), but it has alwasy been considered that the bride-to-be is an honored guest by the person hosting the shower--not that the bride-to-be "wants a shower"; that is the part that looks like a gift grab.  Would it be possible to hold a small engagement party or a small bridal luncheon that isn't labelled a "shower" but more of a celebration to intordue her to people in your community?

I agree. I would find the entire shower idea super awkward in this circumstance. I feel for you regarding the situation with your son bc that does make it worse. I would, in my situation, say that I don’t believe that parents should host showers. However, if they would like, you are happy to have a meet the bride event. It is very possible that the bride asked you so as not to leave you out of such festivities ( I do find it a strange ask, though.)

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

It is odd to me that she would say that she would "like to have a shower in Texas".  I have lived in areas where it is considered OK for a relative to how a shower (and areas where it is not), but it has alwasy been considered that the bride-to-be is an honored guest by the person hosting the shower--not that the bride-to-be "wants a shower"; that is the part that looks like a gift grab.  Would it be possible to hold a small engagement party or a small bridal luncheon that isn't labelled a "shower" but more of a celebration to intordue her to people in your community?

I agree is seems odd, but I feel like it might just be the brides way of including her future MIL. 

[Carol in Cal.]

It's odd but not everyone knows what is proper.  I had a SIL who threw a baby shower for herself.  I was so embarrassed for her, but I still planned to go.  (However, she went into labor early and it was cancelled.)

Honestly, though, given how fraught everything is with this son, I would suggest going forward cheerfully.  I'd look at it as an opportunity to introduce your future DIL to people her husband to be grew up with, and to your friends.  I'd plan the guest list as though it were an engagement party, casting a wide net, but call it a shower, and I'd use your daughter's name as the host if that would play better with your friends.  I would spare no expense to make this very nice.  This is the kind of once in a lifetime event that makes or breaks a relationship.

[freesia]

I’m so happy for the no drama ending!

[catz]

Glad they nixed this for your sake!  Sounds really awkward to me too.  I would have tried to spin it to an engagement luncheon with a small group.  

[Carol in Cal.]

The fact is, inviting folks to a shower that are not also invited to the wedding is very rude.  It's really an odd objection, that everyone will be at the wedding anyway, because of course they will.

[TexasProud]

28 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

The fact is, inviting folks to a shower that are not also invited to the wedding is very rude.  It's really an odd objection, that everyone will be at the wedding anyway, because of course they will.

No, they won't.  Her shower in her hometown:  She lived there for a really long time.  She graduated with those people.  I believe her dad was a pastor there as well.  They have only been in their current location for a couple of years.  So they have quite a few people at the old church/neighborhood that would like to catch up with her, give her a gift and then won't drive the 10 hours to the wedding.  She thought maybe my son had a similar experience.  But my boys, in particular, didn't really have any friends.  The youth group was super small when they were attending and their one real friend moved in high school.  The homeschool group was way too conservative and in the next town and they didn't have friends there either. 

Anyway, his point was, the people he would invite from our hometown and/or family have already now met his fiance or be at the wedding.  He doesn't want to really go back and see any of the other people, nor would he invite them to the wedding, so he didn't see the point.  She mentioned it to me without him, so I don't think she understood the situation. 

And I will say that inviting people to the shower and not the wedding is very, very common in my circle now.  Because the venue only holds 100 or less.  You cannot invite your church that has 400 members....     Yes, in our day that was considered rude, but at least in my circles, that seems to be the new way to do things. 

Edited May 20 by TexasProud

[Frances]

8 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

The fact is, inviting folks to a shower that are not also invited to the wedding is very rude.  It's really an odd objection, that everyone will be at the wedding anyway, because of course they will.

I think this is regional. Where I grew up in the rural Midwest, it was almost exactly the opposite with the exception of very close family members. It was considered rude and a gift grab to invite people to both the wedding and the shower, unless they were immediate family members. But keep in mind, it was also the norm there to open wedding dances up to everyone in the community. So immediate family was invited to everything. Some other family members and close friends were invited to the wedding and reception while more distant relatives and friends (think friends and neighbors of the parents rather than friends of the bride and groom) to a wedding shower. And then all those people plus the rest of the town (and maybe other nearby small towns) was invited to the wedding dance (posters were placed throughout town, just like for any community event). 
 

Also, showers were most commonly hosted by the friends of the mother of the bride and/or friends of the mother of the groom. So most of those in attendance were generally not of the generation of the bride and groom. Friends of the bride hosting a shower was not really a thing where I grew up. And given the small town and the fact that most people (we were a rare exception) were related to many others in town (many people in my high school graduating class were first cousins with other graduates) there were almost always at least some relatives involved with the hosting.

Edited May 21 by Frances

[QueenCat]

16 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

The fact is, inviting folks to a shower that are not also invited to the wedding is very rude.  It's really an odd objection, that everyone will be at the wedding anyway, because of course they will.

I would agree. It's been this way everywhere I've lived and in various types of circles. We've lived all over the South, in the Mid-Atlantic, and the Midwest. You just don't invite people to a shower when they aren't invited to the wedding & reception. I would imagine that it'd be very awkward for someone to be at the shower, listening to those going to the wedding talking about the wedding, and knowing that they weren't included in that part. 

[Carol in Cal.]

1 hour ago, QueenCat said:

I would agree. It's been this way everywhere I've lived and in various types of circles. We've lived all over the South, in the Mid-Atlantic, and the Midwest. You just don't invite people to a shower when they aren't invited to the wedding & reception. I would imagine that it'd be very awkward for someone to be at the shower, listening to those going to the wedding talking about the wedding, and knowing that they weren't included in that part. 

I think that traditionally showers were girls only events and the presents were usually modest in cost and practical household items--measuring cups, mixing bowls, dish towels, maybe the occasional cookbook, that kind of thing.  Whereas wedding gifts were for the couple rather than the bride, and were more formal and expensive--china, silver, stainless, everyday ware, tablecloths, crystal.

[TexasProud]

20 hours ago, QueenCat said:

 You just don't invite people to a shower when they aren't invited to the wedding & reception. I would imagine that it'd be very awkward for someone to be at the shower, listening to those going to the wedding talking about the wedding, and knowing that they weren't included in that part. 

 

19 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I think that traditionally showers were girls only events and the presents were usually modest in cost and practical household items--measuring cups, mixing bowls, dish towels, maybe the occasional cookbook, that kind of thing.  Whereas wedding gifts were for the couple rather than the bride, and were more formal and expensive--china, silver, stainless, everyday ware, tablecloths, crystal.

I will say this is really, really changing....at least in my area.  

90 percent or more of those attending the showers I have gone to in the last year were not invited to the wedding.  I was not invited to a wedding where I was one of the hostesses for the wedding shower.  In that particular case, I was a very good friend of the groom's mom, but not really a friend/close to the groom. I didn't really know the bride and groom well and when you can only invite 75-100 people, it was basically family and the wedding party of bridesmaids and groomsmen and plus ones/their families at the wedding itself.  That is all they had room for at the wedding.  No one is talking about the wedding at the shower.  They talked about the future of the bride and groom.  Honestly, around here it feels like the weddings for twenty somethings are turning into family affairs not community affairs if that makes sense.

I will also say that for the generation in their 20's, both bridal showers and baby showers have become co-ed.  So guys were at these events as well.

And yes, it is very, very, very different from the way I was raised and even the way that weddings were ten years ago.  But my daughter has 3 friends getting married and they are all doing these very small venues.  Their community is still happy for them.  

And I fully get that this is probably regional and/or location specific.  Just sharing what I am seeing among my friends' children and my own children's friends.  And again, I attended weddings ten years ago that were not like this. It feels like a major shift.