Meal responsibilities when hosting family

[Kassia]

 

Please don't quote:  

 

 

 

Feeding my adult kids and their SOs when they come home has always been really stressful for me (I hate to cook, they are big eaters, we have limited refrigerator space, I don't know what SOs like, I hate meal planning, etc.) but I've found a good number of meals that work pretty well that I use every time now and that helps.  Things like chili, tacos, pasta, pizza, Chinese take out, wings...).

Ds3 is engaged to a young woman from Indonesia and she finally got her visa and he brought her to the US recently.  They live three hours away and we went down there to meet her and took them out for dinner and that seemed to work out ok.  We chose a place we thought she would like and she ate about half and brought the rest home with her, but she's tiny so I assume it was too much food for her and not that she didn't like the meal.  But I'm really stressed about them coming here and I know they want to soon for at least a long weekend.  She doesn't seem open to trying new foods at all and they've been grocery shopping at international markets to buy foods that she is used to cooking/eating in Indonesia.  

I don't know what to do about food when they come here.  I don't want to eat/make those foods (DH and I are really simple eaters).  I don't think she'd like any of the foods we are used to providing here other than maybe Chinese.  Ds is very concerned about keeping her happy all the time.  We have enough refrigerator and kitchen space to accommodate different foods if it's just them visiting (I guess they can bring the specialty foods here in a cooler since we don't have many of those items available locally), but we don't have the space when all of our kids are home.  Refrigerator/kitchen space is already super tight when everyone is here and I can't imagine adding in all new foods and meals.  My other sons and their SOs are fairly adventurous eaters and I think they'd be happy eating the same foods as ds3's fiance, but I don't think DH, dd, or I would be.  

So, what do I do in this situation if one person requires different foods than what I am comfortable serving/eating/have room for?  I think this will go for breakfast and lunch too.  I'm so stressed about this and hate that food issues are ruining thoughts of spending time together, but they do.  I always get stressed about food and now it's even worse. 

Edited May 17 by Kassia

[Katy]

Call me crazy, but tell DS this is his problem, not a you problem. 

[Kassia]

2 minutes ago, Katy said:

Call me crazy, but tell DS this is his problem, not a you problem. 

That's why I'm asking here.  I don't know what is appropriate.  I want her to feel welcome, but I can't accommodate so many people's diets and preferences easily.

[Lori D.]

((((hugs)))) Food is stressful when there are many different competing needs at a family gathering!

Can you buy a mini-fridge to have in the guest room where they will be staying? (Or in the garage, or the basement, or...) Then they bring food and store, and you have a mini-fridge available for future visits -- and for any other future visitors who may need/want to bring food with them.

Right now is the end of the college school year, and a lot of mini-fridges that were used in dorms are up for sale at a reduced cost, as students don't want to have to ship those home with them. Check Craig's List and see what's available. At worst, you could buy a decent new mini fridge, sized to fit your space. I recommend getting a 3.1 or 3.2 cubic foot capacity with a small separate freezer space. Like what motel rooms often have -- very handy for travelers, and potentially very handy for future visitors of all kinds! 😄 

Also, sending out a general, kind explanation to all will help set the guidelines for future bigger family gatherings:

"Hey, we are so excited to see you all this coming weekend!
Just an FYI, in order to reduce stress and time around cooking, I will have these items available for lunches and dinners, and people are welcome to bring anything they especially want to eat in a cooler, and we can store it the cooler and the new mini-fridge we just bought. Also, eating out is an option. Most of all, looking forward to seeing you all, and don't want food and meal prep to get in the way of us all enjoying our time together.
Love to all!"

Edited May 17 by Lori D.

[Katy]

Just now, Kassia said:

That's why I'm asking here.  I don't know what is appropriate.  I want her to feel welcome, but I can't accommodate so many people's diets and preferences easily.

Make simple foods like you typically do. Have fruits, vegetables, rice, etc. let her choose. If she needs something more elaborate, you tell DS to arrange it. I’d feel different if it were a moral thing (vegetarian or vegan) or a health thing (especially allergies). But picky preferences? I have a friend that lived there for a while, and except for coming back with some new curry recipes, she led me to think they eat more simply than we do. 

[prairiewindmomma]

Is your relationship with your ds strong enough that you can brainstorm meal ideas that would have broad overlap? Rice, fried chicken, fried eggs are three foods common to both cultures. So, maybe for breakfast you set out fruit, toast, and eggs. Not every component of every meal needs to work for everyone—but mention your constraints and see what would work…

[KatieJ]

I solved the issue by giving it back to my kids. We weren’t working with unknown foods, just picky eaters.  I would shop from a list they gave me ahead of time. I then typed a list of what I had shopped for and put it on the fridge. I would assist in cooking as needed, but decisions were their’s.

We did have a spare fridge in the basement which was absolutely necessary for us at the time. 
 

I realize you said many of her food choices were not available in your area. I would tell them they needed to procure those foods on their own. 

i would then be happy to join them in the kitchen while they made them.

You do not need to join them in eating them. Be happy to taste and maybe even keep track of something you might like to make in the future when they visit. But you can absolutely eat your own food. 

Edited May 17 by KatieJ

[LuvToRead]

29 minutes ago, Kassia said:

 

Sorry about the quote box - I did it without thinking and I can't get rid of it.

I hate weighing in on these situations because all families are different - but I do agree with Katy here.  If your DS wants to keep her happy, then I would encourage him to come up with a solution. 

My DD22 is very picky and has some food allergies.  She has stayed with BF's families, and we've had BF's stay here.  Most people will happily accommodate her, but she doesn't want anyone to go out of their way.  She generally will purchase some food that she will happily eat  for the duration of the visit.

 

 

Edited May 17 by LuvToRead

[Arcadia]

Indonesian cuisine is very varied. However, if I didn’t remember wrongly, most of the ingredients don’t need refrigeration. Does she cook? Since she came over recently, she may be homesick and usually people cope with that by hunting for their hometown foods. It would probably get better in the long term. 
For long weekend, are we talking 3 days like Memorial Weekend or one week? My suggestion would be to ask your son to bring her favorite snacks to share with his siblings. That way she has something she likes eating and your children can choose to partake or not depending on how adventurous their taste buds are. Indonesian cuisine has lots of nice baked goods and for a Memorial Day weekend gathering I would care less about nutritional value and just have a good time eating “junk food” with family and friends. 

[Amira]

Just for a different way to frame this (and believe me, I get being stressed about food when you're hosting someone), but it's very possible that she is not expecting to eat food that she was used to at home when she is visiting you and is fine with you providing what you usually eat even if she's not that into the food in the US.  Just make what you can handle and it will work out for a weekend.  It really will.  

Another option is to cook with her, if you're comfortable with that.  Go shopping for the ingredients for a meal together (or send her and ds, if that's better) and have your future dil and ds show you what they like to cook.  The shopping can be done right before meal prep if fridge space is that tight. You might not love the food, but it would be a chance to connect and you can always eat something else later, just like she can if she doesn't enjoy something you cook.  But letting her cook something she likes could balance out some of the burden of meal prep (and maybe eating foods that some people don't like).  

Dealing with food in a new country can be really hard for some people, just like cooking for someone from a different food culture can be really hard.  It's possible that the first few visits will be tricky, but it will likely get easier for everyone.  

[SKL]

For dinner, take them out after checking with the couple about what restaurants they would like to eat at.  Or, if practical, consider a cookout, where you buy the food just before cooking it.

For the other meals, arrange for a shopping trip on day 1 or day 2, preferably to an Asian market if you have one nearby, or if not, then to your biggest nearby grocery store, where they should have some international options.  Though, toast and eggs are likely to be acceptable options for almost anyone.  Another great option would be to let the young couple cook something for you to try.

Let them know that you don't know how to cook international foods.  They can bring or buy - ready-made or stuff they can cook themselves.  Tell your DS to bring some acceptable snack food in case she can't eat anything in your vicinity.  Tell your DS that he is responsible to communicate with her in advance about the food arrangements.

[Pam in CT]

Congratulations!

And, both your son and your future DIL already have a good sense of how limiting or not this issue really is, so for starters I'd just ask. "Hey son, when you and __ are out and about, does future DIL eat whatever happens to be on hand, or do you tend to pre-plan and pack stuff so she'll have familiar foods" and go from there.

IF she's still mostly-comfortable eating mostly-familiar foods, then seeing about a minifridge for the room they'll be staying in is a good idea. And maybe getting a list in advance of some reasonably-accessible shelf-stable familiar foods (many of which, COVID taught be, can be ordered from Amazon or Walmart).

But mostly, what @Amira  said.

25 minutes ago, Amira said:

Just for a different way to frame this (and believe me, I get being stressed about food when you're hosting someone), but it's very possible that she is not expecting to eat food that she was used to at home when she is visiting you and is fine with you providing what you usually eat even if she's not that into the food in the US.  Just make what you can handle and it will work out for a weekend.  It really will.  

Another option is to cook with her, if you're comfortable with that.  Go shopping for the ingredients for a meal together (or send her and ds, if that's better) and have your future dil and ds show you what they like to cook.  The shopping can be done right before meal prep if fridge space is that tight. You might not love the food, but it would be a chance to connect and you can always eat something else later, just like she can if she doesn't enjoy something you cook.  But letting her cook something she likes could balance out some of the burden of meal prep (and maybe eating foods that some people don't like).  

Dealing with food in a new country can be really hard for some people, just like cooking for someone from a different food culture can be really hard.  It's possible that the first few visits will be tricky, but it will likely get easier for everyone.  

I expect future DIL is as eager to be flexible with you as you are with her.

[gardenmom5]

If someone has MEDICAL needs for different foods (I have a niece who is deathly allergic to tree nuts) - I will attempt to make sure there are at least some things they can safely eat.  Even if I have to put their name on it to make sure everyone else doesn't eat it all before they get to it.  

if it's their personal preference - they can eat what they like and not eat what they don't like.  I "might" have one thing available I know they'll eat (in addition to cut up fruit and vegetable tray) - even if I buy it.  Honestly - it's polite of you to want to accommodate your ds's fiancé from a country with a completely different cuisine - but they're both going to need to learn to deal with things even if it means they bring things for her to eat if she can't handle american cuisine.   dh's nephew's wife is Chinese.  she's adapted.  

When it's a large group of adults (especially if staying in my house) - I would expect the meal responsibilities should rotate.  It's called being a polite GUEST.  And your adult children are GUESTS in your home.  They're not kids anymore who need mom to do everything for them.

[Harriet Vane]

You've gotten some good advice here.

I would do a combination in your shoes.

First, find ways to pamper her that don't involve food. Can you give her fresh flowers? It's casual and so welcoming. 

To pamper with food--have on hand some lovely candy (always a cross-cultural hit) and get some good quality green tea to have on hand. There's at least a chance as an Asian that she might like the tea.

After that, stick with basics. Make sure you have some rice (I think jasmine rice may be best), chicken, perhaps some fish if you like it? I would also lean towards having plenty of fruits/vegetables on hand. 

Also, an Indonesian friend recommended a specific soy sauce to me. It's really flavorful. It's called GOLDEN MOUNTAIN and it's available on Amazon. It's saltier than some others, so when I stir fry I often water it down with a bit of chicken stock. If I had an Asian coming to stay, I would make sure I have some Golden Mountain on hand. Who knows if your future dil likes it or not, but it may be worth a try. 

Beyond that, I think it's more than fine to tell your ds to bring whatever food they want to have on hand. The fact is you don't have a prayer of making anything that tastes properly Indonesian. Show her love and welcome in other ways and let the food be what it normally is at your house. That's part of entering into another culture. 

[Catwoman]

OK, I’ll be the lone dissenter and say that I would just suck it up and try to make foods that she would like. You can also do a lot of takeout.

My biggest priority would be making her feel welcome, and serving foods she likes would be a big part of that.

Does she like to cook? If so, maybe preparing some meals together would be a good way to bond with her.

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

That's why I'm asking here.  I don't know what is appropriate.  I want her to feel welcome, but I can't accommodate so many people's diets and preferences easily.

Honestly, it sounds like it won't be more than 3 or 4 days. That's really not that big of a deal, and this woman is clearly not only very important to your son, but she's also a future family member. 

[marbel]

I would ask my son what I should have on hand/plan to make for her. It really is his responsibility to make this pleasant for her AND easy for you. I like the idea of a mini-fridge in the room she'll be staying in. That's a nice thing anyway for drinks, snacks and such. And it will help alleviate the crowding.

I skimmed the thread so forgive me if I'm being repetitive.

You can also make meals that include components of both the simple things you normally eat, while having something your son knows she would like. For example, plain roast chicken with sides that have Indonesian flavors. If you grill burgers, have a big salad with familiar-to-her vegetables and dressing.  

Could you go shopping with her and have her choose some things? She may be delighted to share her culture's food with you. Is there a reason that you and your husband don't want to try different food? Don't feel obligated to answer me but I admit I am curious. I think a great way to make someone from another culture comfortable is to be curious and accepting of "their" foods. I get that she is not being accepting of yours at this time. But maybe over time there can be some blending. 

 

 

 

Edited May 17 by marbel

[pinball]

8 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

OK, I’ll be the lone dissenter and say that I would just suck it up and try to make foods that she would like. You can also do a lot of takeout.

My biggest priority would be making her feel welcome, and serving foods she likes would be a big part of that.

Does she like to cook? If so, maybe preparing some meals together would be a good way to bond with her.

 

2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Honestly, it sounds like it won't be more than 3 or 4 days. That's really not that big of a deal, and this woman is clearly not only very important to your son, but she's also a future family member. 

I’ll join you unless you’re enjoying your lone dissentishness.

But Jeepers Creepers…

who wants to be “THAT MOTHER-In-LAW”?? (So so so many women on here have said they hate/do not get along/avoid their spouse’s FOO, mostly bc of the MIL)

Who wants to be the MIL that makes a new DIL from ANOTHER COUNTRY take it or leave it when it comes to meals? 

Buy a high quality cooler for the weekends where the fridge is super full. Clean a half a shelf for 3 days. Make her at least 1 meal or have 1 for for each time of day (breakfast/lunch/dinner).
 

 

[prairiewindmomma]

I also wonder, Kassia, given your history, if maybe having your dh take charge of this and working it out with your ds might be easier. I would think everyone in your natal family is aware of the history and maybe a better solution might be eating out for the majority of the meals, or having them stay in a nearby hotel with you guys meeting up for activities and less for meals, or something. There’s got to be some sort of middle ground where both sides are understanding each others’ challenges. 
 

ETA: let me know if you want me to delete this later

Edited May 17 by prairiewindmomma

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Katy said:

Call me crazy, but tell DS this is his problem, not a you problem. 

But why is it DS's problem?

He's bringing his new fiancee for a visit. Kassia and her dh are the hosts, not the son. Why would he be responsible for meals?

I can support the idea of asking him what foods his fiancee likes and doesn't like, but I don't see why it's such a big drama to feed a new person for a few short days. It's not like they're moving in -- it will be a long weekend. 

I feel like people are so busy trying to be sure that Kassia is comfortable, that they are forgetting that the fiancee is brand new to the family and even brand new to the entire country. My personal opinion is that the girl's comfort has to come first during this visit. I also think it will be important to Kassia's son that his mom does as much as she can to make his fiancee feel that she is being welcomed into the family.

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, Lori D. said:

(

Can you buy a mini-fridge to have in the guest room where they will be staying? (Or in the garage, or the basement, or...) Then they bring food and store, and you have a mini-fridge available for future visits -- and for any other future visitors who may need/want to bring food with them.

Right now is the end of the college school year, and a lot of mini-fridges that were used in dorms are up for sale at a reduced cost, as students don't want to have to ship those home with them. Check Craig's List and see what's available. At worst, you could buy a decent new mini fridge, sized to fit your space. I recommend getting a 3.1 or 3.2 cubic foot capacity with a small separate freezer space. Like what motel rooms often have -- very handy for travelers, and potentially very handy for future visitors of all kinds! 😄 

"Hey, we are so excited to see you all this coming weekend!
Just an FYI, in order to reduce stress and time around cooking, I will have these items available for lunches and dinners, and people are welcome to bring anything they especially want to eat in a cooler, and we can store it the cooler and the new mini-fridge we just bought. Also, eating out is an option. Most of all, looking forward to seeing you all, and don't want food and meal prep to get in the way of us all enjoying our time together.
Love to all!"

Thank you.  It took me probably 20 years to get DH to agree to get a chest freezer (which we desperately needed and now he's glad we have).  I don't think I can get him to agree to the mini-fridge.  I'd love to have an extra refrigerator though for when the kids are home because there is never ever enough room in ours for everyone (and we have a very large refrigerator) and it's always stressful figuring out where to put everything and how everyone will access what they need.  In the winter, we can use our enclosed patio as a refrigerator for some things when it's really cold and that's really helpful but sometimes we get freaky warm temps and can't count on that.  Ds3 is the only one close enough to bring stuff in a cooler, but grocery delivery is an option for regular foods.  

 

1 hour ago, Katy said:

Make simple foods like you typically do. Have fruits, vegetables, rice, etc. let her choose. If she needs something more elaborate, you tell DS to arrange it. I’d feel different if it were a moral thing (vegetarian or vegan) or a health thing (especially allergies). But picky preferences? I have a friend that lived there for a while, and except for coming back with some new curry recipes, she led me to think they eat more simply than we do. 

 

 

1 hour ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Is your relationship with your ds strong enough that you can brainstorm meal ideas that would have broad overlap? Rice, fried chicken, fried eggs are three foods common to both cultures. So, maybe for breakfast you set out fruit, toast, and eggs. Not every component of every meal needs to work for everyone—but mention your constraints and see what would work…

I can definitely talk to ds about this and we have already a bit before she arrived. We do have white rice here for her (we only eat brown and I found out she only eats white).  I'm fine with white, but DH will only eat brown.  They have a rice cooker and will bring it with them when they visit.  I don't want to say she's picky - just not open to trying new things as far as I know.  I know they don't eat pork and that's a religious thing.  I'm vegetarian, but my family loves pork, so I'm not sure how to handle that either - will it be offensive to her if they eat it and we have something different for her and ds?  Something else to figure out.  Ds did say she eats eggs, so that should be easy.  

 

Will come back for more replies later.  Thanks so much everyone! 

[Catwoman]

Just now, Kassia said:

I can definitely talk to ds about this and we have already a bit before she arrived. We do have white rice here for her (we only eat brown and I found out she only eats white).  I'm fine with white, but DH will only eat brown.  They have a rice cooker and will bring it with them when they visit.  I don't want to say she's picky - just not open to trying new things as far as I know.  I know they don't eat pork and that's a religious thing.  I'm vegetarian, but my family loves pork, so I'm not sure how to handle that either - will it be offensive to her if they eat it and we have something different for her and ds?  Something else to figure out.  Ds did say she eats eggs, so that should be easy.  

Why would you need to serve pork on that particular weekend?

It seems like you're making this overly complicated. 

It's not difficult to make both kinds of rice -- or your dh can suck it up and deal with eating white rice for a few days. I know you're saying that the fiancee isn't open to eating new things, but it sounds like maybe you and your family might need to think about being a little more flexible, too. 

It's only a long weekend. Try not to think beyond that right now. You can totally do this! 🙂 

[pinball]

2 minutes ago, Kassia said:

It took me probably 20 years to get DH to agree to get a chest freezer (which we desperately needed and now he's glad we have).  I don't think I can get him to agree to the mini-fridge.

That’s not right

[marbel]

1 minute ago, Kassia said:

I know they don't eat pork and that's a religious thing.  I'm vegetarian, but my family loves pork, so I'm not sure how to handle that either - will it be offensive to her if they eat it and we have something different for her and ds? 

That's a question for your son. It may be offensive, it may not, but he should know how she'd feel about it. But, it's a long weekend, do the pork eaters in your house need to eat pork during that time? 

FWIW, everyone I've known who has any food-related religious prohibitions - pork, beef, alcohol, etc - has never minded being around it. But that has nothing to do with her feelings on the topic.

[kbutton]

If you can’t do the mini fridge, maybe set up a shared google doc to brainstorm some ideas and have people sign up to be the designated runner for the overflow, non-shelf stable stuff each day. Having a cooler with fresh ice is good too.

I had an Indonesian co-worker that had a really hard time finding her foods here, but I bet it’s easier now. Even metro areas with diverse stores sometimes cater more to local population numbers when stocking up.

It will be okay. 

[Kassia]

I'm coming back later for more replies, but wanted to say the pork is not an issue for a long weekend at all.  It's when everyone is here for a long period of time (during the holidays, my family is usually here for two weeks) when I'd want to serve pork.   Sorry for the misunderstanding.  

[SHP]

2 hours ago, Kassia said:

That's why I'm asking here.  I don't know what is appropriate.  I want her to feel welcome, but I can't accommodate so many people's diets and preferences easily.

"Hi DS,

We are so excited to see you both! We are meal planning dinners and thought it would be nice to just get take out so we can all spend more time together, here are a few restruants, can you review the menus and let us know what you both would like?" 

Put it on him. 

I would keep an eye on what she orders and what she likes/doesn't, and try to find an ethnic cooking class with the goal of learning to make one dish before the next visit. 

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, Arcadia said:

 Does she cook? Since she came over recently, she may be homesick and usually people cope with that by hunting for their hometown foods. It would probably get better in the long term. 
For long weekend, are we talking 3 days like Memorial Weekend or one week? My suggestion would be to ask your son to bring her favorite snacks to share with his siblings. 

She does cook and was responsible for a lot of the cooking at home when she was in Indonesia.  My ds is eating very well now.  🙂  And I agree that she's homesick and finding/eating/cooking familiar foods is comforting for her. She did travel with ds3, ds2, and ds2's gf last year and food was a problem because she didn't like any of the new foods but I don't know how she'll adapt here.  That was her first and only time out of her country.  I'm not sure how long they would stay - anywhere from 3-10 days I guess, but I don't think any siblings would be here at that time so refrigerator space wouldn't be an issue.  

 

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, Kassia said:

She does cook and was responsible for a lot of the cooking at home when she was in Indonesia.  My ds is eating very well now.  🙂  And I agree that she's homesick and finding/eating/cooking familiar foods is comforting for her. She did travel with ds3, ds2, and ds2's gf last year and food was a problem because she didn't like any of the new foods but I don't know how she'll adapt here.  That was her first and only time out of her country.  I'm not sure how long they would stay - anywhere from 3-10 days I guess, but I don't think any siblings would be here at that time so refrigerator space wouldn't be an issue.  

 

If she cooks, she might be thrilled if you told her she could use the kitchen whenever she wants. Maybe you could ask your son about it -- and even let him know that you'd like to give her the opportunity to have some familiar meals during the visit, and make sure he's ok with that.

If you're not sure you and your dh will want to eat what she makes, the two of you might "just happen' to have things you need to do outside the house that totally coincidentally 😉 coincide with some mealtimes, so your ds and his fiancee could cook for themselves. That way, you could be sure she has what she wants to eat, but you don't need to cook it or eat it yourself -- and your ds and his fiancee would have some time to themselves, too. They might enjoy a little privacy, anyway.

[City Mouse]

Could you take turns planning the meals and eating out? Also, since she has not spent much time out of her home country, what about fixing the foods that are traditional to your family such a a cookout with burgers and hot dogs, bbq, or whatever regional specialties. Then have them make a meal or two for everyone that is typical of where she comes from or that she likes. 
Breakfast and lunches could be even less formal. Provide the foods you would typically have for breakfast. One or days you could have a hot breakfast of your choosing and then let them cook breakfast one day. 
 

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, Harriet Vane said:

 

To pamper with food--have on hand some lovely candy (always a cross-cultural hit) and get some good quality green tea to have on hand. There's at least a chance as an Asian that she might like the tea.

After that, stick with basics. Make sure you have some rice (I think jasmine rice may be best), chicken, perhaps some fish if you like it? I would also lean towards having plenty of fruits/vegetables on hand. 

Also, an Indonesian friend recommended a specific soy sauce to me. It's really flavorful. It's called GOLDEN MOUNTAIN and it's available on Amazon. It's saltier than some others, so when I stir fry I often water it down with a bit of chicken stock. If I had an Asian coming to stay, I would make sure I have some Golden Mountain on hand. Who knows if your future dil likes it or not, but it may be worth a try. 

Beyond that, I think it's more than fine to tell your ds to bring whatever food they want to have on hand. The fact is you don't have a prayer of making anything that tastes properly Indonesian. Show her love and welcome in other ways and let the food be what it normally is at your house. That's part of entering into another culture. 

Thank you!  That's what I've been trying to do all along (I've communicated with her electronically for two years now) - show her love and respect.  I do know what candy she likes and will have that here for her for sure and always get grocery lists from the kids before they come home so I can have stuff here ready for them.  Thanks for the info on the soy sauce, too.  I forgot that I do have jasmine rice and not white here for her already.

 

1 hour ago, marbel said:

 

 

Could you go shopping with her and have her choose some things? She may be delighted to share her culture's food with you. Is there a reason that you and your husband don't want to try different food? Don't feel obligated to answer me but I admit I am curious. I think a great way to make someone from another culture comfortable is to be curious and accepting of "their" foods. I get that she is not being accepting of yours at this time. But maybe over time there can be some blending. 

 

 

 

I know she likes/cooks spicy foods and I can't handle spicy (neither can dd).  DH loves spicy but he is somewhat picky and I am very picky unfortunately.  Plus I'm vegetarian and it seems like she makes a lot of dishes with meats/veggies all combined.  We live in a semi-rural area with lots of Amish so not a lot of food options for her but they are close enough to bring a cooler of foods she wants and we can reimburse them for that.  

1 hour ago, prairiewindmomma said:

 

ETA: let me know if you want me to delete this later

It's not a problem, but thank you.  

 

33 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

It's not difficult to make both kinds of rice -- or your dh can suck it up and deal with eating white rice for a few days. I know you're saying that the fiancee isn't open to eating new things, but it sounds like maybe you and your family might need to think about being a little more flexible, too. 

 

DH has some kind of aversion to white rice, but he can certainly just not eat rice while she's here.  But the rest of my family really does prefer brown so we might just make both when everyone is home.  I think everyone but DH would be fine with white though.  That's something to think about in the future. 

 

[Katy]

41 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

But why is it DS's problem?

He's bringing his new fiancee for a visit. Kassia and her dh are the hosts, not the son. Why would he be responsible for meals?

I can support the idea of asking him what foods his fiancee likes and doesn't like, but I don't see why it's such a big drama to feed a new person for a few short days. It's not like they're moving in -- it will be a long weekend. 

I feel like people are so busy trying to be sure that Kassia is comfortable, that they are forgetting that the fiancee is brand new to the family and even brand new to the entire country. My personal opinion is that the girl's comfort has to come first during this visit. I also think it will be important to Kassia's son that his mom does as much as she can to make his fiancee feel that she is being welcomed into the family.

Because she’s taking unnecessary stress onto herself because she’s feeling her DS’s stress about it. It’s fine to serve simple foods. It’s just good manners to try and accommodate. It’s completely unnecessary for her to take her DS’s food stress onto herself. It’s highly possible future DIL doesn’t want or expect anyone to stress about her food. It’s highly possible the DS is picking food as something he can hyperfocus on as a way to control his anxiety about the relationship. Making a different kind of rice is one thing. Making 10 different meals for 10 different guests is another thing altogether. 

[catz]

Not everyone's love language is cooking nor does everyone have time to take on a whole new culinary style if that isn't their thing.  OP has had some other struggles lately if I am remembering correctly and I think it is 100% ok to just set some boundaries with it.  I also think, just get through a weekend.  You will learn stuff.  I think you are overthinking it and they aren't expecting to arrive to your house and expect little Indonesia in your kitchen all of a sudden.  She is new to this country and likely to broaden her horizons to some degree as time goes on.  Just as you will learn her preferences and might learn to have a few simple things in the house that she would like.    Building this relationship is a journey not a destination.  

In cases like this, I might just have a range of stuff.  Like I might have cereal, bread, peanut butter, bagels, cream cheese, oatmeal, a pre-done frittata or egg bake, fruit, coffee, tea, juice and let people scavage their own breakfast.  I might have a simple soup and salad and some sandwich stuff at the ready for lunch.  Could be stuff from the grocery store deli.  Then I'd have a range of snacky things maybe a batch of cookies/bars.  Maybe we do take out or go out for dinner.  I don't like to spend hours in the kitchen when I'd rather be visiting or out doing something fun with guests.  I'd give them heads up what you were planning to have, invite them to bring food if they'd like.  I'd avoid Pork for that weekend.   Cross your bridges as you get to them.  

For having lots of adult kids as a guest regularly, I'd push hard on a 2nd fridge.  I don't even entertain that much and the ancient fridge in the basement is a lifeline.  Either that, or I'd push to have some stuff catered, use take out, etc.

Edited May 17 by catz

[Kassia]

19 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

If she cooks, she might be thrilled if you told her she could use the kitchen whenever she wants. Maybe you could ask your son about it -- and even let him know that you'd like to give her the opportunity to have some familiar meals during the visit, and make sure he's ok with that.

 

She can absolutely have the kitchen to herself whenever she wants.  I'd be thrilled.  

[Arcadia]

49 minutes ago, marbel said:

FWIW, everyone I've known who has any food-related religious prohibitions - pork, beef, alcohol, etc - has never minded being around it. But that has nothing to do with her feelings on the topic.

The thing with pork being a religious avoidance is that if she is muslim, she might strongly prefer halal foods and might not be comfortable with cooking in a non muslim household’s kitchen. My asian indian friend is vegetarian for religious reasons and she will not eat at friend’s home. However she would sometimes opt for a vegetarian option at fast food so that we don’t feel bad eating our meal. For my friends and I who avoid beef because of religious reasons, we eat french fries and ice cream sundaes at fast food places while our friends eat their hamburgers and hot dogs. 
 

@Harriet Vane I am a Chinese who prefers coffee to tea and would prefer low sodium soy sauce. I would however just accept whatever the hosts offer. 

[SKL]

Re refrigerator:  ask your kids to pool together to buy a second fridge for your house.

I would never expect my folks to turn all those cartwheels for me, my siblings, or my significant others.  And I've dated Asian men whom I've brought to my folks' house.  My folks served whatever they always serve.  When I've eaten as a guest of my Asian hosts, I eat what they normally serve, whether it's to my particular taste or not.

When my kid had her boyfriend here for the weekend, I didn't cook, I let my kid figure out a restaurant or food delivery (which I paid for, given my kid is not an adult).

When I host Asian house guests (I have many Asian friends and colleagues), we go out for dinner.

If I loved cooking, it might be different, but I don't love cooking, and pretending won't benefit anyone.

[kbutton]

14 minutes ago, Kassia said:

She can absolutely have the kitchen to herself whenever she wants.  I'd be thrilled.  

Coming from someone who has a limited diet, this is golden. And my MIL is really erratic about cooking, which has created major issues, so having a kitchen minus a stink eye to go with it, is awesome.

You might make sure you buy some extra leftover containers (can be inexpensive) and maybe even an extra frying pan, etc.

Making it low stakes for her to join you are cool her own stuff is at least as meaningful as trying eat and cook what she likes, quite possibly more meaningful.

 

[wathe]

It will be OK, really.

I married into an Indonesian family.  I wouldn't try to cook Indonesian food specifically:  It's extremely unlikely that you will be able to replicate what she's used to, and it might prove extremely embarrassing for everyone if she can't/won't eat it.   Also, Indonesia is a very big place with quite a lot of cultural diversity.  Food from one part will not be the same as food from another part.

My brother has a Vietnamese partner who has been here from Vietnam less than a year.  My family accommodates preferences, but doesn't bend over backwards.  She eats whatever my parents make (last time spaghetti and salad, then pizza), but she also often brings a dish she's made to share with the family.  

I would try for meals that go over well with picky eaters: something with a simple protein and simple sides, from which a picky eater can choose what she likes.  Something like roast chicken (or grilled chicken), green beens and roast potato, maybe green salad.  

I would make room for white rice on the table , especially if she is bringing a rice cooker.   I might even ask DS if he would bring the rice she likes, as your white rice is likely different thatn what she's used to (after 30 years, I am still  "not allowed"*** to buy our family's rice, because I either get the wrong rice, or pay to much for it, LOL.  RIce is serious business in this household).   White rice is an appropriate side dish on the table for any meal (and I mean any, we have rice available pretty much every meal -- modern rice cookers make that easy).  

I would ask DS if they could bring some snacks for everyone to try.

Agree with PP, it would be nice to offer your kitchen to have her cook something for you at your home, but I would save this for a future visit when you all have a better sense of what you all can eat together.

***Not really not allowed, but it's definitely better if I don't!

Edited May 17 by wathe

[HomeAgain]

It will be okay.

I would have no problem reaching out to both your ds and this young lady and tell them the issue.  "We love you, we want you here.  Please let me know if there are any foods you prefer to have or things you really don't like."  And then listen to whatever answer they give, asking questions to clarify.

That's all.  I'm sure it'll resolve itself.  And if the dietary issues are that big of a deal I'm sure she'll realize a visit to someone else's home may not be feasible for her.

[WendyLady]

When my young adult kids come to visit for a weekend with their boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse, I try to make sure I have the basics at home for breakfast and lunch - fruit, eggs, bagels, etc. You could ask your son if she has a favorite snack or food item you could pick up. For dinners, I generally plan to fix one family favorite meal and then plan to go out together for one meal out. And then I try to make sure I have my own plans one evening and let the kids go out on their own for a dinner together. 

It's probably silly, but when I have gone home to visit my parents as an adult, I feel somewhat suffocated that my parents think that we have to do all things together all the time. I like to see them and spend some time with them, but also go do my own thing. So I try to make sure my kids have that same option - to go out and do their own thing and not feel like I have to come along with them for everything. 

[Carrie12345]

I am 47 years old, and my mom still asks me what I’d like to eat when I go to visit. And asks me about dh and the kids if they’re going, too. What could possibly be offensive about that???

She visits here much less often, but we also talk about potential menus for that.

Dh and I ask each other what we want to eat, too.

It’s food. Not a war!

[Jaybee]

46 minutes ago, catz said:

Not everyone's love language is cooking nor does everyone have time to take on a whole new culinary style if that isn't their thing.  OP has had some other struggles lately if I am remembering correctly and I think it is 100% ok to just set some boundaries with it.  I also think, just get through a weekend.  You will learn stuff.  I think you are overthinking it and they aren't expecting to arrive to your house and expect little Indonesia in your kitchen all of a sudden.  She is new to this country and likely to broaden her horizons to some degree as time goes on.  Just as you will learn her preferences and might learn to have a few simple things in the house that she would like.    Building this relationship is a journey not a destination.  

In cases like this, I might just have a range of stuff.  Like I might have cereal, bread, peanut butter, bagels, cream cheese, oatmeal, a pre-done frittata or egg bake, fruit, coffee, tea, juice and let people scavage their own breakfast.  I might have a simple soup and salad and some sandwich stuff at the ready for lunch.  Could be stuff from the grocery store deli.  Then I'd have a range of snacky things maybe a batch of cookies/bars.  Maybe we do take out or go out for dinner.  I don't like to spend hours in the kitchen when I'd rather be visiting or out doing something fun with guests.  I'd give them heads up what you were planning to have, invite them to bring food if they'd like.  I'd avoid Pork for that weekend.   Cross your bridges as you get to them.  

For having lots of adult kids as a guest regularly, I'd push hard on a 2nd fridge.  I don't even entertain that much and the ancient fridge in the basement is a lifeline.  Either that, or I'd push to have some stuff catered, use take out, etc.

I like @catz' suggestions here. You have gotten lots of ideas from lots of people, so I'm not going to address your particular questions for this post. But I do want to make a suggestion as your family grows--which may or may not work for you, since you said you are a picky eater. I haven't done this so much at our home when people have come, because we don't have enough space to host very many. However, several times we have met as a family at a vacation spot. When we do that, everyone pitches in and brings snacks/lunch stuff. For breakfast and dinner, we sign up for meals, and the family/couple/single adult group provides the groceries and cooks for the meal(s) they signed up for. Unlike the OP, I do like to cook, but I don't like to spend my whole vacation doing it for everybody. It's a lot of work! This has seemed to work well for our large family, without being overwhelming for anybody. If that sounds good to you, before everybody descends on you for an extended stay in the future, you can send out an email and say something like, "As our family has grown, it has become a big job to keep everybody fed when we get together (and as you know, I'm not fond of cooking anyway). So I'd like to go ahead and implement a system to spread out the load a bit, because I do really enjoy having everybody home. Please bring your favorite snacks/breakfast foods [or whatever you want to include] to share (or keep for yourself), and sign up for two meals on the sign up sheet below." While it is true that they might travel too far to bring everything they need, they can go to the store once they are there. Now that they are adults, there really is no need for you to provide everything for everybody. You might not feel the need to do this for just a weekend or couple of days, but it can make a huge difference when everybody is there for a longer stay.

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, wathe said:

It will be OK, really.

I married into an Indonesian family.  I wouldn't try to cook Indonesian food specifically:  It's extremely unlikely that you will be able to replicate what she's used to, and it might prove extremely embarrassing for everyone if she can't/won't eat it.   Also, Indonesia is a very big place with quite a lot of cultural diversity.  Food from one part will not be the same as food from another part.

My brother has a Vietnamese partner who has been here from Vietnam less than a year.  My family accommodates preferences, but doesn't bend over backwards.  She eats whatever my parents make (last time spaghetti and salad, then pizza), but she also often brings a dish she's made to share with the family.  

I would try for meals that go over well with picky eaters: something with a simple protein and simple sides, from which a picky eater can choose what she likes.  Something like roast chicken (or grilled chicken), green beens and roast potato, maybe green salad.  

I would make room for white rice on the table , especially if she is bringing a rice cooker.   I might even ask DS if he would bring the rice she likes, as your white rice is likely different thatn what she's used to (after 30 years, I am still  "not allowed"*** to buy our family's rice, because I either get the wrong rice, or pay to much for it, LOL.  RIce is serious business in this household).   White rice is an appropriate side dish on the table for any meal (and I mean any, we have rice available pretty much every meal -- modern rice cookers make that easy).  

 

Thank you!  Yes, Ds has told me that they eat rice with every meal in Indonesia and he bought a pretty expensive rice cooker that keeps the rice hot for a long time.  I didn't think about the kind of rice I bought - he told me jasmine rice, so that's what I got but that was before she arrived.  I'll definitely check with them if what I have is okay before they visit.  

 

54 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

It will be okay.

I would have no problem reaching out to both your ds and this young lady and tell them the issue.  "We love you, we want you here.  Please let me know if there are any foods you prefer to have or things you really don't like."  And then listen to whatever answer they give, asking questions to clarify.

That's all.  I'm sure it'll resolve itself.  And if the dietary issues are that big of a deal I'm sure she'll realize a visit to someone else's home may not be feasible for her.

 

 

34 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

I am 47 years old, and my mom still asks me what I’d like to eat when I go to visit. And asks me about dh and the kids if they’re going, too. What could possibly be offensive about that???

 

I do this already before any of the kids come home - especially for the SOs because I want them to feel as comfortable as possible.  

22 minutes ago, Jaybee said:

I like @catz' suggestions here. ... However, several times we have met as a family at a vacation spot. 

I liked those suggestions too - very helpful.  

My absolute favorite times I've spent with my family as adults has been on all inclusive vacations because all meals were taken care of.  Worth every penny to not have that stress.  

 

[Kassia]

As always, I want to thank everyone for taking the time to comment here.  I appreciate it very much.  ❤️  

[Carol in Cal.]

FWIW, I love my Vitaclay cooker for rice but it also works as a slow cooker.  That might be a better bet for you than buying a pure rice cooker.

Regarding the minifridge--I'd suggest getting one without a freezer compartment.  Those rarely freeze hard anyway, and they take up a lot of space that could be fridge space, and you already have a chest freezer where you could probably tuck in a few overflow items.  Get one that can double as a bedside table in the guest room.  

Regarding the cooking--ask your prospective DIL for a list of condiments and herbs and spices that she uses, and stock up on the ones you can--especially ones that you have to have shipped to you.  Things like fresh mint you can buy on the spot but bottles of special mixtures can often be ordered online, but you need to have time for that, so get ahead of the curve now.  You could also ask her to teach you to make her favorite Indonesian dish, and ask for a shopping list for it so you can shop in advance. 

In terms of reasonably accessible and simple foreign recipes that nevertheless taste authentic, I've had good success with Sunset cookbooks, the older Betty Crocker cookbook called International Cooking, and the United Nations Women's Auxiliary cookbook.  

PS  About the rice--in some parts of Asia it is literally inconceivable to have a meal without white rice of one sort or another.  I mean, in Japan reportedly they serve a side of rice with an American hamburger.  I can't emphasize this strongly enough--good rice available continuously is essential.

 

Edited May 17 by Carol in Cal.

[Kassia]

4 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

FWIW, I love my Vitaclay cooker for rice but it also works as a slow cooker.  That might be a better bet for you than buying a pure rice cooker.

 

PS  About the rice--in some parts of Asia it is literally inconceivable to have a meal without white rice of one sort or another.  I mean, in Japan reportedly they serve a side of rice with an American hamburger.  I can't emphasize this strongly enough--good rice available continuously is essential.

 

Thank you.  The plan for now is just that they will be bringing their rice cooker whenever they come to visit.  That works best for us since we don't have room to store anything else in our kitchen.  

I was surprised when ds said they eat white rice with every meal!  So interesting.  That's the reason why buying a rice cooker that keeps the rice hot for a long time was important for them.  I think it's eaten all day.

[Amira]

With the added info about her dietary restrictions and her difficulty in finding foods she is comfortable eating, I can only imagine how difficult this transition to the US has been for her.  If she has religious concerns too, then food probably has become something that’s a constant challenge rather than a way to connect with people.  That would be hard.

And honestly, many Americans I’ve known living overseas never adjust to the food and mostly eat foods that are more familiar.  Lots of people who live in the US who didn’t grow up here never really get into American food.  

This isn’t something you can fix, and you don't need to feel like you should, even for a weekend. I guess my biggest suggestion would be to accept that she’s doing her best and that things will probably get easier over time.  I really liked HomeAgain’s suggestion to emphasize your love and acceptance and to keep talking to figure out what works.  

[wathe]

48 minutes ago, Kassia said:

Thank you!  Yes, Ds has told me that they eat rice with every meal in Indonesia and he bought a pretty expensive rice cooker that keeps the rice hot for a long time.  I didn't think about the kind of rice I bought - he told me jasmine rice, so that's what I got but that was before she arrived.  I'll definitely check with them if what I have is okay before they visit.  

I'm sure what you have will be fine.   

I love our rice cooker.  Measure rice, measure water, push button = perfect hot rice all day.

 

[Clarita]

Rice:

Best Jasmine rice is grown in Thailand. New Crop. We like Three Ladies brand. 

Spicy:

If you are concerned about trying/eating Indonesian food because of the spice, you can always handle spicy by drinking/having something creamy. So milk coconut milk/cream will do. Rice will also help tone down the spice. 

In terms of cooking foreign food, I would just go to a restaurant serving that food one of the nights. Maybe have DS or DIL find a good restaurant in your area. No one gets to yuck it.

Tell DS to bring some food for her (snack foods and easy stuff) so whatever meal(s) she can't stomach she can just eat her own. 

In terms of making Indonesian food at your house... well depends on how picky she is. Food seems to be a big deal in Asian cultures, they have a lot of opinions about the "right" stuff for their food. So making it might be received as sweet that she tried to what is this food. My mom's on the picky end of someone making Chinese food for her and her not eating it because (to quote) "what is this". 

[Kassia]

16 minutes ago, Amira said:

With the added info about her dietary restrictions and her difficulty in finding foods she is comfortable eating, I can only imagine how difficult this transition to the US has been for her.  If she has religious concerns too, then food probably has become something that’s a constant challenge rather than a way to connect with people.  That would be hard.

And honestly, many Americans I’ve known living overseas never adjust to the food and mostly eat foods that are more familiar.  Lots of people who live in the US who didn’t grow up here never really get into American food.  

This isn’t something you can fix, and you don't need to feel like you should, even for a weekend. I guess my biggest suggestion would be to accept that she’s doing her best and that things will probably get easier over time.  I really liked HomeAgain’s suggestion to emphasize your love and acceptance and to keep talking to figure out what works.  

Yes, I totally respect that - there is no judgement at all on how she feels about eating!  I just want her to be happy and comfortable and am just trying to figure out how to make it work best for everyone.  ❤️  

 

4 minutes ago, Clarita said:

Rice:

Best Jasmine rice is grown in Thailand. New Crop. We like Three Ladies brand. 

Spicy:

If you are concerned about trying/eating Indonesian food because of the spice, you can always handle spicy by drinking/having something creamy. So milk coconut milk/cream will do. Rice will also help tone down the spice. 

In terms of cooking foreign food, I would just go to a restaurant serving that food one of the nights. Maybe have DS or DIL find a good restaurant in your area. No one gets to yuck it.

Tell DS to bring some food for her (snack foods and easy stuff) so whatever meal(s) she can't stomach she can just eat her own. 

In terms of making Indonesian food at your house... well depends on how picky she is. Food seems to be a big deal in Asian cultures, they have a lot of opinions about the "right" stuff for their food. So making it might be received as sweet that she tried to what is this food. My mom's on the picky end of someone making Chinese food for her and her not eating it because (to quote) "what is this". 

I really dislike spicy foods - they just make me very uncomfortable.  Dd has an even strong reaction to spicy foods - we are both very sensitive to any spice at all.  Even black pepper.  The rest of my family loves spicy foods and it would be easiest for just me and dd to eat something different if necessary.  We really don't have many restaurant choices in our area and it's too expensive to eat out for many meals with so many people (for when everyone is home), but I'm hoping that we can find two places where she can find food she likes and manage the rest at home even if that means she brings food with her in a cooler to have here.  

I follow her on Instagram and she was absolutely delighted when ds took her to the international grocery store - took lots of photos of all the things she found there.  I didn't recognize any of what she bought, but she was clearly thrilled with her full cart.  The one food I recognize that she seems to love from their local grocery store is chocolate ice cream.  🙂 I can relate to that!