Thank you all!

[fairfarmhand]

Thanks for all the input.

Edited May 11 by fairfarmhand

[marbel]

Well there are a lot of reasons people might be hard to talk to - naturally shy/reticent, suspicious of you/your motives for some reason, traumatized by a past event and so clams up, or whatever. But I'll tell you my experience with a couple I knew who were like this. 

They started coming to our church when my husband was associate pastor. They were a sweet young couple and seemed happy to be spoken to, but I always felt like I was interrogating them. But I didn't want to leave them standing awkwardly alone all the time. I mean, they stuck around after the service during the coffee time so I figured they wanted to be known, kwim?  I made sure to connect with them every time I saw them (so, mostly weekly) for a short time and broke the "rule" about asking questions rather than talking about myself. Like, I'd ask "how was your week" and one would say fine, and then I'd launch into a short but (I hoped!) somewhat entertaining anecdote about something that happened during my week. I'd also bring someone else over sometimes and we'd kind of converse around the silent couple, but it seemed to help them relax a bit.

Over time, they both opened up somewhat, but it took a while. The wife and I became pretty friendly for a while; I found out she had a terrible laundry setup in their apartment so would have her come over to do her wash. We'd have coffee and I'd kinda putter around my kitchen and we'd chat but also have time in companionable silence. I mean, it was obvious she was never gonna be a big talker. 

 

Edited May 11 by marbel

[TexasProud]

24 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

There’s a person that I need to get to know. Previous conversations have not gone great with me asking questions and getting monosyllabic answers (or the shortest possible answer) and avoidance of eye contact. 
Any tips for conversing with this person?

Do you happen to have any idea what this person's passions are?  My son would talk to you about sports for hours, but personal questions about himself- forget it.  So if you can somehow figure out their hobby/passion and talk about that. 

[katilac]

I think a lot depends on why you 'need' to get to know them. 

[Pawz4me]

My first thoughts were -- Do you think this person is very introverted, or are they perhaps neurodivergent? Or is there some other reason they're not inclined to chat? Not everyone who is very private/reticent is an introvert or neurodivergent, but your description did make me wonder.

[fairfarmhand]

7 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

My first thoughts were -- Do you think this person is very introverted, or are they perhaps neurodivergent? Or is there some other reason they're not inclined to chat? Not everyone who is very private/reticent is an introvert or neurodivergent, but your description did make me wonder.

I have no idea

[Arcadia]

29 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

My son would talk to you about sports for hours, but personal questions about himself- forget it.  So if you can somehow figure out their hobby/passion and talk about that. 

Even I do that and I am an extrovert. My husband is an introvert but he is more willing to chat about personal stuff unless the other person is known to be manipulative or very gossipy. 
Preventing eye contact can be shy, scared or just don’t want to talk. 

[fairfarmhand]

9 hours ago, katilac said:

I think a lot depends on why you 'need' to get to know them. 

Thanks. 

Edited May 11 by fairfarmhand

[maize]

33 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Do you happen to have any idea what this person's passions are?  My son would talk to you about sports for hours, but personal questions about himself- forget it.  So if you can somehow figure out their hobby/passion and talk about that. 

This.

My autistic son really, truly cannot talk about himself. Not what he thought of a movie, not what he did at an activity, most definitely not how he feels about something. 

He can however talk about his interests--they are what fill his head at all times.

[Kassia]

@fairfarmhandin that situation, I think you just need to give them time and space. It will happen eventually, but probably not as soon as you'd like. 

[fairfarmhand]

8 hours ago, Kassia said:

@fairfarmhandin that situation, I think you just need to give them time and space. It will happen eventually, but probably not as soon as you'd like. 

thanks

Edited May 11 by fairfarmhand

[regentrude]

Things take time. DD's partner is very introverted, listens rather than talks, and has initially been very quiet whenever we were together. For years. Over time, conversations develop. Best was spending short trips together and DOING something.

DS' very introverted gf spent a lot of time with us and barely said a few sentences, while staying at our house for weeks. Eventually,  through spending lots of time doing things together, she be ame more comfortable talking to us.

My advice would be to seek out joint activities and see what develops. You can't force "getting to know" a person. But a joint outing and activity naturally leads to talking.

Eta: ask DC. I had a conversation with DD along similar lines. 

Edited May 11 by regentrude

[Arcadia]

I’ll try with using food to show you care rather than chatting when the other party may not be ready to engage yet. When I was in engineering school, my classmates’ moms would ply us (female classmates) with food because girls in engineering were rare. So we get “mothered” by our male classmates’ moms. 
I also find it easier to chat with some of my husband’s aunts the first time I meet them just because they have similar demeanor to my classmates’ moms. Not implying that you are “off putting”. Just that some people have a “mother hen” aura that puts people at ease faster than other people. 

[Kareni]

@fairfarmhand, might playing a game with this individual and your child be an option? It could be a pleasant way to spend some time together with less pressure to converse.

Regards,

Kareni

[Kassia]

@fairfarmhand that's a tough situation.  My dd is extremely introverted and I don't know what someone else could do to make her more chatty other than give her time to warm up.  And it would take a lot of time.  I agree with earlier comments about maybe doing things together - games, jigsaw puzzles, outings...   My dd hates eating with strangers so food would make her uncomfortable.  She loves pets, though.  So definitely knowing that person's interests could help.  

[Catwoman]

I think your dc needs to get involved and help facilitate the conversations, as your dc would know what topics would interest this person, and the person might also feel far more comfortable talking, knowing that your dc was right there beside them.

Edited to add: I don't think this is a "you" problem, and I don't think it's fair that your dc is making this your responsibility. We have all known you here for years, and you have never seemed like the kind of person who had a hard time talking to people. If your dc wants you to have a relationship with their person, your dc needs to accept some responsibility toward making that happen.

Edited May 11 by Catwoman
Removed quote. SORRY!!!

[Arcadia]

5 minutes ago, Kassia said:

 My dd hates eating with strangers so food would make her uncomfortable.

I don’t mean dining together. I meant things like baking (or buying) her favorite cookies and giving it to OP’s son to pass it to her. It is symbolically like putting out a welcome mat. 

[fairfarmhand]

3 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I think your dc needs to get involved and help facilitate the conversations, as your dc would know what topics would interest this person, and the person might also feel far more comfortable talking, knowing that your dc was right there beside them.

Edited to add: I don't think this is a "you" problem, and I don't think it's fair that your dc is making this your responsibility. We have all known you here for years, and you have never seemed like the kind of person who had a hard time talking to people. If your dc wants you to have a relationship with their person, your dc needs to accept some responsibility toward making that happen.

Thank you. Can you remove the quote please?

[KSera]

I agree with finding out what their interests are. Particularly if they have a special interest. Ask questions about that topic rather than about the person. 

[KungFuPanda]

Your child is going to have to relax and give it time. If it feels forced it’ll be awkward for everyone and take longer. Just include the person, be kind, and resist artificially rushing the relationship to humor your child.  If they’re going to be together for a long time, you’ve got plenty of time.  What you can’t do is make this person more like your family members and expect them to open up because you’re persistent. Just welcome their presence as their quiet, reserved selves. 

[wintermom]

It's great that you're making an effort! It looks like you have a fairly large family according to your signature. Are the situations you're describing occurring when there are several family members around? It may be easier to connect with this person if there are fewer people in general. Doing an activity that this person enjoys, or even being in a setting this person feels really comfortable, may help them relax and open up. 

The eye contact comment you made suggests that the situations you've been in are fairly 'static' with not much else going on. Just sitting still trying to make conversation can feel pretty intense (at least for me). It's not your fault, of course, but trying out activities to do with this person might be more relaxing for everyone.

[Kassia]

27 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

I don’t mean dining together. I meant things like baking (or buying) her favorite cookies and giving it to OP’s son to pass it to her. It is symbolically like putting out a welcome mat. 

Sorry, I meant food as in eating together rather than what your suggestion, but your post is what made me think of that issue.  

[catz]

I agree this isn't necessarily a you problem.  Or even a problem at all.  Are both you AND your spouse getting this talk?  Is this a girlfriend?  Just curious.  I was wondering if expectations might be different on you as the mom vs. the dad vs. a boyfriend.  Which they shouldn't necessarily be.  

I would do things to include them as a couple - outings, meals, game/movie nights, etc.  and let things evolve naturally.  I might also ask your kid who is "complaining" about this issue about expectations.  Like not everyone is going to click immediately and have the same interests, etc.  And not every young couple is going to have deep abiding relationships with their boyfriends/girlfriends parents especially prior to a living together/engagment/marriage.  And assuming these are adults, relationships go 2 ways.  I just think pressuring a situation isn't necessarily constructive.  

[fairfarmhand]

7 hours ago, catz said:

I agree this isn't necessarily a you problem.  Or even a problem at all.  Are both you AND your spouse getting this talk?  Is this a girlfriend?  Just curious.  I was wondering if expectations might be different on you as the mom vs. the dad vs. a boyfriend.  Which they shouldn't necessarily be.  

I would do things to include them as a couple - outings, meals, game/movie nights, etc.  and let things evolve naturally.  I might also ask your kid who is "complaining" about this issue about expectations.  Like not everyone is going to click immediately and have the same interests, etc.  And not every young couple is going to have deep abiding relationships with their boyfriends/girlfriends parents especially prior to a living together/engagment/marriage.  And assuming these are adults, relationships go 2 ways.  I just think pressuring a situation isn't necessarily constructive.  

Thanks. 

Edited May 11 by fairfarmhand

[fairfarmhand]

7 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

. Just welcome their presence as their quiet, reserved selves. 

Thank you

Edited May 11 by fairfarmhand

[Pawz4me]

Hmm . . . I might be inclined to mention to DC that conversation is a two way street.

 

[iamonlyone]

One thing I've done is to affirm the person to my child. I don't know if your child is chatty with you, but when dd talked about her someone, I would respond with things like "that was so thoughtful!" "Wow! That was a really smart decision." "He's a keeper!" (once they were engaged) -- things like that to signal my support. This wouldn't work, though, if your child doesn't share much or if those comments would seem out of character for you.

[marbel]

One of my kids had an SO who they (my kid) somehow thought I was pre-disposed to dislike. My kid couldn't articulate why they thought that. Anyway, the SO was very quiet, and I am naturally quiet, so there were some awkward moments. I reassured my kid that I was actually pre-disposed to like the SO because my kid did, and told them that they needed to help out with conversation. We also discussed baseless assumptions (which this kid is very good at!) and how harmful they can be. 

Anyway, eventually we reached a point of semi-comfort but then SO dumped my kid so that was the end of that. 

FWIW, my other kid has an SO who was also quiet and a bit hard to talk to at first, but over the years we've gotten closer, slowly. In that case, something I think helped was asking the SO for advice/information on topics in which they had expertise. That naturally led to conversations. BUT in that case, my kid did not think there was a pre-disposition against the SO. 

(It was interesting to me to note that the kid who thought I wouldn't like the SO is naturally somewhat awkward and lacks self-confidence. The other kids, who didn't make such assumptions, is generally more self-possessed and self-confident. Not relevant to the topic at hand, I know.)

[Catwoman]

55 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

Thank you. Can you remove the quote please?

OOPS! Sorry! Removing it right now!

[maize]

Sounds like the real issue here is your kid and their SO looking for reasons to take offense. 

There's not a lot you can do about that. If someone is looking for reasons to be critical of another person, they will always find them. Always.

[Kassia]

@fairfarmhandI'm sorry.  That sounds very awkward and stressful for you.  😞  I hope this gets resolved because I really don't know what more you can do in this situation.

[fairfarmhand]

7 hours ago, maize said:

Sounds like the real issue here is your kid and their SO looking for reasons to take offense. 

There's not a lot you can do about that. If someone is looking for reasons to be critical of another person, they will always find them. Always.

Thank you

Edited May 11 by fairfarmhand

[catz]

Ugh, young adults!  I'm sorry, that just sounds unreasonable and maybe kiddo is looking for someone else to blame about SO's possible social struggles.

[KungFuPanda]

54 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

This is what I’ve been doing and that’s being perceived as “you don’t like them” 

I’d wonder why your kid is so stuck on this even after you assure her that you like having the person around but don’t want to make them uncomfortable with an interrogation. I’d probably ask the occasional open-ended question but otherwise let the person be. There is nothing wrong with comfortable silence or being a person who listens more than talks. 
 

If my kid got really hung up on this I’d wonder if they were projecting their own misgivings about the relationship. I’d probably ask them “what’s not to like?” and tell them what I like about the person and include their calm presence on the list of attributes. I would t get hung up on repeating these assurances though, because I don’t want to talk my child into a relationship where something feels off to them. 
 

ETA: as a person who married and birthed a naturally reserved person there was a learning curve to living comfortably with people who require very little social interaction. I had to teach myself to enjoy companionable silence. Coming from a large family this just was outside my life experience. 

Edited May 11 by KungFuPanda

[TexasProud]

13 minutes ago, catz said:

Ugh, young adults!  I'm sorry, that just sounds unreasonable and maybe kiddo is looking for someone else to blame about SO's possible social struggles.

Yep...  The only age worse for me than early 20's was when they were babies. I really disliked the baby age because they cannot tell you what is wrong, which is really, really scary.  For young adults, they don't always tell you what is wrong either and even if you know, you cannot say.  A lot of keeping your mouth shut for sure!

[Arcadia]

It could be insecurity, thinking that her boyfriend does not meet up to what she thinks are your expectations. 

[PeterPan]

5 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

Previous conversations have not gone great with me asking questions and getting monosyllabic answers (or the shortest possible answer) and avoidance of eye contact. 

Don't ask questions. Make statements, observations, tell brief stories, anything they might find mildly interesting. Take them something they'll like. Do what they're doing or find what they might like to do with you. 

Person could be on the autism spectrum, have dementia, any number of things. Most people don't want to be completely alone in the world and most people appreciate knowing they're loved. But conversation, back and forth, that's sort of optional. When I visit people who don't talk so much, the above is what I do. I just give them my time and sit and be company. I share pictures or a story. I try to sit in an interesting place so we can comment on what is going on. If I'm sitting with the person while they watch tv, I comment on their tv. Sometimes I take something they might like.

[PeterPan]

Ok, now I'm reading further in the thread. What a ridiculous mess. You've got your own ways you currently roll with conversation and social skills, and it sounds like the people you're visiting with (dc and special friend) have their issues. It's totally reasonable that this dc is wondering what their special friend thinks of you. It's *not* reasonable that they don't accept you as you are. It is reasonable to ask if you could do better. I do agree the youngsters sound insecure, even if that's not shocking.

It doesn't matter if you like the special friend or not or haven't assessed them or not. Do the decent thing and receive them warmly, as you would any stray cat or probably human in your house. Of course I say that and I have some people I haven't received that way. But if you want my *advice* vs. what I find easy, my advice would be to PRETEND and just suck it up. Think of them as a stray cat. 

Sometimes it's easier to be nice to strangers than people we may end up having relationships with.