Question/Advice needed about family photos at wedding

[Kassia]

Ds3 is getting married soon.  It will be kind of a microwedding/elopement with just immediate family.  Guests will be me and DH, ds1 and his longtime girlfriend, ds2 and his longtime girlfriend, and dd and her...new boyfriend.

I'm not sure how to handle family photos taken by the photographer.  I don't want dd's boyfriend in them because the relationship is so new, but I don't know how awkward it will be to leave him out.  I assume (hope) he will just know enough to not even consider being in the pictures but I haven't met him yet and have no idea what he's like other than he seems like a nice young man and he's very good to dd (she lives OOS).  We only have the photographer for the very short informal ceremony and then after that for photos in the beautiful venue we found.  After that it will be just our own pics for cake, dinner, etc.  when we go out to celebrate later.  

I'm kind of hoping he chooses not to come.  Dd said she's going to invite him, but I don't know for sure that he'll be there since it is a big trip, he'll have to miss work, and it might be kind of weird for him meeting us for the first time in a full weekend of a special family gathering/celebration.

Any idea of how we should handle this if it comes up?  I don't mind couple photos of the two of them or some informal photos later, but I don't want him in family group photos taken by the photographer or any other important pics.  

OTOH, if they end up staying together (doubtful IMO), I'll regret not having him in the pics.  

If only I had a crystal ball.  😛 

 

 

Edited April 20 by Kassia

[Katy]

I’d leave it up to the bride, but if it were me I’d have him in one group photo, but none of the rest. 

[Alice]

You know your daughter best, but I'd maybe ask her what she thinks and say that you know it's kind of awkward. Otherwise, I think it's going to be really awkward and potentially hurtful to your daughter if you leave him out of photos that are including your son's girlfriends. I understand why you would if they are long-term girlfriends but there really isn't a nice way of saying "Everyone but Bob...because we don't know how long you are going to be around."

I'd do what Katy said but mix it up more where you have some photos with him and some without but I think for the ones without it has to be just immediate family or bride and groom and just sibs or something. Then you can do the same ones with everyone, including significant others. 

Or just always position him on the end where he could be Photoshopped out one day. Just kidding. 🙂

[Bambam]

My advice would be to have some pictures with everyone, and then pictures with just family (so leave long term boy/girl friends out too).

One guy my oldest was dating - his family did profession photo sessions several times a year - and they had just started dating, and yet she ended up in a few of their family group photos. She said they insisted. But there were many more photos without her.  Didn't offend her at all, she was surprised to be included in any.  She isn't with that guy any more.  

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, Alice said:

You know your daughter best, but I'd maybe ask her what she thinks and say that you know it's kind of awkward. Otherwise, I think it's going to be really awkward and potentially hurtful to your daughter if you leave him out of photos that are including your son's girlfriends. I understand why you would if they are long-term girlfriends but there really isn't a nice way of saying "Everyone but Bob...because we don't know how long you are going to be around."

 

Or just always position him on the end where he could be Photoshopped out one day. Just kidding. 🙂

That's a really good idea to talk to dd first and also the thought of "we don't know how long you are going to be around..."  

A friend of mine also said to put him on the end - lol  

[Kassia]

2 minutes ago, Bambam said:

My advice would be to have some pictures with everyone, and then pictures with just family (so leave long term boy/girl friends out too).
 

I guess the problem with that is that we consider the long term girlfriends family at this point. They've all been together for a very long time.  

[teachermom2834]

I don’t know how long you have the photographer and if you have enough time for it to make sense but with my kids when we get together we do some of everything but we always make sure to do some with just family.  Different combinations (siblings/siblings with dad/couples/all the girls/etc) etc have people jumping in and out of pictures when we do this in a casual way when we all get together. I understand formal photography is going to be different but some variation on it. 
 

Another thought- even though the other relationships are longer and more stable you still might wish someday you had one without any significant others because relationships end, even long term ones. 
 

I think the magnitude of the event trumps offending new boyfriend. Even if 20 years from now he is still saying “I’m not in that picture because Kassia didn’t think I’d be around that long.” Anyone with any life experience at all gets it. It would be great to be wrong and the worst thing is you need to update a picture!

[gardenmom5]

How long-term are we talking for the others?   If they're "just dating" (no matter how long, or even if they're "engaged to be engaged") I wouldn't have them in all the photos either.  If they were living together/have kids together, I'd include them.

as for new boyfriend - no, i once made that mistake in a group picture of my kids (and that was just a snap shot when they were going somewhere in costume) and included 1ds's then girlfriend (and they'd been talking serious).   I really wish I had one without her.

 I'd do one group with the 'significant others' - and then without boyfriends/girlfriends for the rest.  

 

[Kassia]

14 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

How long-term are we talking for the others?   If they're "just dating" (no matter how long, or even if they're "engaged to be engaged") I wouldn't have them in all the photos either.  If they were living together/have kids together, I'd include them.

as for new boyfriend - no, i once made that mistake in a group picture of my kids (and that was just a snap shot when they were going somewhere in costume) and included 1ds's then girlfriend (and they'd been talking serious).   I really wish I had one without her.

 I'd do one group with the 'significant others' - and then without boyfriends/girlfriends for the rest.  

 

Ds1 and his gf - 12 years together, living together for 10   Definitely long-term commitment.  They've made big moves for each other's careers and have long-term plans but not engaged (yet, but they have to be soon!).

Ds2 and his gf - 6 years together "officially" but were together before that, living together for 4.  He made a big move last year for her career and definitely long-term commitment.  

I included ds2's ex in many family photos when they were together (3 1/2 year relationship) and I regret that now.  

[Kassia]

18 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

I don’t know how long you have the photographer and if you have enough time for it to make sense but with my kids when we get together we do some of everything but we always make sure to do some with just family.  Different combinations (siblings/siblings with dad/couples/all the girls/etc) etc have people jumping in and out of pictures when we do this in a casual way when we all get together. I understand formal photography is going to be different but some variation on it. 
 

Another thought- even though the other relationships are longer and more stable you still might wish someday you had one without any significant others because relationships end, even long term ones. 
 

I think the magnitude of the event trumps offending new boyfriend. Even if 20 years from now he is still saying “I’m not in that picture because Kassia didn’t think I’d be around that long.” Anyone with any life experience at all gets it. It would be great to be wrong and the worst thing is you need to update a picture!

We have two hours with the photographer for the quick informal ceremony and then couple/family photos at the venue.  I do expect more weddings in the next year or two, so if the boyfriend is still around then I would feel differently but this relationship is too new for me to be comfortable with him in formal professional family photos.  We don't have anyone to take family photos once the photographer is gone if the bf is in them, though.  Other than a tripod I guess.  

I definitely considered that you never know how long relationships will last no matter how long and committed they are. 

[Arcadia]

34 minutes ago, Bambam said:

My advice would be to have some pictures with everyone, and then pictures with just family (so leave long term boy/girl friends out too).

This. My friend’s daughter broke up with her high school sweetheart after graduating from college. It was unexpected for both parties parents. 

[Kassia]

7 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

This. My friend’s daughter broke up with her high school sweetheart after graduating from college. It was unexpected for both parties parents. 

But the girlfriends really are family.  Or at least as much family as an in-law would be, but it's not legal.  Ds1 and his gf have been together much longer than many marriages.  

Edited April 20 by Kassia

[gardenmom5]

yes to long term - at this point I'd be treating them like common-law marriage.  (there's got to be a better term than "long term girlfriend/boyfriend" at this point, as it implies less than what they are.  'partner' seems common - I think that's what Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell call each other.  Never married but have been together at least 40 years.)

for the other one, I'd do one at the courthouse, and one at the venue, in a general group shot to show he was there - but is easily disposed of if the relationship doesn't go anywhere and people want one without him.  
 

Edited April 20 by gardenmom5

[Arcadia]

11 minutes ago, Kassia said:

But the girlfriends really are family.  Or at least as much family as an in-law would be, but it's not legal.  Ds1 and his gf have been together much longer than many marriages.  

I understand that too. The lady and her ex boyfriend knew each other from public school kindergarten all the way. My friend says it feels awkward at times to her when the new boyfriend drops by because the photos are in photo frames in the living room and dining area.

That’s why it is better to have some wedding photos taken without their significant others. 

[Kassia]

13 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

yes to long term - at this point I'd be treating them like common-law marriage. 
 

Good point - ds1 and his gf are legal domestic partners.  They needed to do that for something a while ago - I forgot what but maybe insurance.  

 

[Kassia]

2 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

I understand that too. The lady and her ex boyfriend knew each other from public school kindergarten all the way. My friend says it feels awkward at times to her when the new boyfriend drops by because the photos are in photo frames in the living room and dining area.

That’s why it is better to have some wedding photos taken without their significant others. 

That does sound awkward!  Ds2's ex is in a lot of family photos in our albums and I asked ds2 if he wanted me to remove any so it wouldn't make his current gf uncomfortable but he said she was fine with it.  Current gf knew ds the whole time he was in the relationship with his ex and they all did stuff together and were friends and have photos together.  But we definitely don't have any with the ex framed and on display!  

[Annie G]

We have a blended family and when oldest Dd got married we worked up a list of the family photos we wanted, and gave it to the photographer. The photographer actually required it, as it made photos go faster for him to read from the list ‘ bride and groom, all parents and stepparents’, or ‘b&g and her family of origin, including siblings and Nate and Joe’.    You can add a couple with the newer boyfriend, but put them near the bottom of the list in case you run out of time. I’d definitely talk to Dd about it, too, to give her a heads up. 
Dd was married 20 years ago, so that  might not be how photographers work now. But worth an ask.

[TechWife]

1 hour ago, Katy said:

I’d leave it up to the bride, but if it were me I’d have him in one group photo, but none of the rest. 

Also, make sure you have a family photo without him in it. Both all family present and immediate family present. My nephew’s now ex girlfriend is in the last family picture we have. It’s really distracting. All these years later I still haven’t forgotten, so it obviously bothers me. 

[Kassia]

8 minutes ago, Annie G said:

 The photographer actually required it, as it made photos go faster for him to read from the list ‘ bride and groom, all parents and stepparents’, or ‘b&g and her family of origin, including siblings and Nate and Joe’.    

I didn't pay attention at the time, but reading this reminded me that many photographers mentioned something like this as part of the package.  Thanks!  

[Clarita]

You should decide what to do before the wedding date. Basically you do want to be able to hand the photographer a list of the family pictures you want with a list of people that will be in each of the formal photos. It's a way to speed things along so you get all the formal pictures you want in the allotted time. It also takes off the burden of the bride and groom to be the bad guy, let the photographer be the bad guy (whether the photographer is a female or male).

I've seen this addressed in all sorts of ways. It ends up being it is what it is.

1. The bf/gf are arranged at the edge of the picture to be potentially cropped out. (This is more complicated because arranging needs to happen. So I've just seen it for people who have photographers for a long time.)
2. Have some just family photos with blanket non-family members cut out (you decide on a blanket cut, yes it does mean the other bf/gf that you deem worthy are also not in this picture). Of course the blanket could be long-term vs. short-term with a time frame. 
   1. Another photo can be taken with "everyone" were you know even friends or distant relatives are in the pictures. So people don't feel left out. Or like an informal formal picture where it's an informal picture but it's a picture with everyone and the bf.
3. Bride can choose to just cut that one person out. Then I would absolutely suggest they just give the photographer a list of names of people in the formal pictures and have photographer announce names for the pictures. His is just not announced. Or announced for one of the n number of other pictures you have with all the people you are certain to want.

I would be against leaving it up to chance or the bf to make the "wise" decision. There is a lot of order following at these events and no matter how wise and mature bf is he may feel pressured to be apart of the picture. This can be because some well meaning person is making sure everyone gets in the picture and shoves him in there, or photographer trying to hurry things along and "forces" him in the picture or whatever.  

[Bambam]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

I guess the problem with that is that we consider the long term girlfriends family at this point. They've all been together for a very long time.  

I can understand that, but with our family portraits, sometimes you just want mom/dad/kids - even when they are adult/married/have kids and not spouses/grandkids/etc. Of course you do pictures with all, but a few pictures exist with just the immediate family - not spouses/significant others/etc. Nothing wrong with a variety of pictures. 

[Kassia]

9 minutes ago, Clarita said:

There is a lot of order following at these events and no matter how wise and mature bf is he may feel pressured to be apart of the picture. This can be because some well meaning person is making sure everyone gets in the picture and shoves him in there, or photographer trying to hurry things along and "forces" him in the picture or whatever.  

Your whole post was very helpful, but this triggered a memory of something that happened at my own wedding and I completely forgot about it.  

Our photographer (who wasn't the person we hired, but someone sent out in his place who was absolutely awful) put DH's sister in all of my family photos!  I'm an only child, so it was me and DH, my parents, and... DH's sister.  DH and I didn't notice at the time since we were just standing in the center with people coming and going around us for photos but I don't know why no one else said anything about her not belonging in the photo!  

[Ivey]

In this situation, I'm sure the new boyfriend doesn't assume that he will be in the photos and will not be awkward or upset. I think it's fine to leave him out, but if your daughter wants to include him in one family photo that would also be very reasonable - it would only take an extra few seconds to have him step in on the end.

Either way, I'd let your daughter know the plan so she can fill him in. If any of my adult sons were attending a wedding with a new partner where they'd be meeting the entire family for the first time, they would be somewhat nervous and would appreciate being told ahead of time what the expectations are. 

[Scarlett]

In my precious MIL’s hallway  is a huge portrait of her with her children on the day she married her second husband. Her two oldest were married and the oldest had 2 children…. They were all there. Including my dh’s wife. 

It is  what it is. I have been tempted to put a picture of myself over xwifes face. 

[Kassia]

I'm so glad I posted - you all gave me a lot to think about.  I'll definitely discuss with ds3 and his fiance soon and also with dd ahead of time so we can have it all planned out well before the wedding!  

 

 

[Scarlett]

I definitely think it’s no big deal to have him in a few and out of a few. 

[KungFuPanda]

Hedge your bets. Do some “just family” photos then add the bf/gfs to the photos one at a time?  Bf could be the one with staying power and the gfs could be gone. What pictures do you want. 
 

Maybe do a bunch of family photos then one with gf1, one with gf2, and one with bf. Then do a few everybody photos.  The photographer is going to shoot some film anyway. Just tell them what you need and let them order people around. They do it all the time. 
 

What you don’t want to do is treat new bf weird because he showed up later. You don’t want to be the punchline at the wedding if they end up together or to hear I told you so if one of the more photographed gfs doesn’t stick around. 
 

Eta:  How much say will you even have in what photos are taken? I’m assuming the bride and groom have thought this out. 

Edited April 21 by KungFuPanda

[Tina]

Dd's photographer ran the photos last weekend.  He started with my sisters and I and all of our families, then down into our family, our dd with my dh and I separately, and even had my dil and the kids step out of a photo, so it was just us and our three kids.  See if he can be the one cutting down the size of the group.  He probably has a list of photos you can request.

[Kassia]

8 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

 

Eta:  How much say will you even have in what photos are taken? I’m assuming the bride and groom have thought this out. 

 

 

Please Don't Quote:  

 

Unfortunately, they haven't thought much out at all.  They haven't really done anything at this point and I've taken over gathering all the info and passing it on to them being very very careful not to make any decisions or even influence them on what/who to choose at every step.  Ds3 is an Aspie and I think he just got overwhelmed and stuck thinking about it all.  His fiance is from Indonesia (he just got there a few days ago and they are coming back together in about ten days) and hasn't done anything yet - she doesn't even have a dress yet.  I'm kicking myself for not pushing them to start planning months ago - I just assumed things were moving along.  So I am gathering info and sending it to them.  I think they are going to want my input on most things but I don't want to be responsible for anything and am being very careful to send them options/thoughts. 

But good point in how much say I will have.  Hopefully little to none.  I am gathering photographer info right now waiting until we have a date/time and then will send them all the possibilities of who is available (fingers crossed we have a choice at this stage since it's so late and everyone is booked).  Then, once they choose someone, I guess I can back off and just guide them into what they need to discuss with the photographer without actually making the decisions myself.  🙂  But I will bring up the issue of dd's boyfriend because they might just be laid back and say it's fine for him to be in all the photos without really thinking that through...

Hope that made sense.  2:30am here and I'm severely sleep-deprived.  

Edited April 21 by Kassia

[Kassia]

3 hours ago, Tina said:

Dd's photographer ran the photos last weekend.  He started with my sisters and I and all of our families, then down into our family, our dd with my dh and I separately, and even had my dil and the kids step out of a photo, so it was just us and our three kids.  See if he can be the one cutting down the size of the group.  He probably has a list of photos you can request.

Thank you!  This would be best for us.  I haven't been to a wedding in a long time and certainly haven't paid attention to how family photos are usually done.  

[Clemsondana]

Even with a lot of family, it only took 30 minutes to get the post-wedding pics at my wedding years ago.  I've seen it done both ways - to add people to each pic, starting with bride and groom, then add parents, then add siblings, then have groom step out and get just parents and kids, then add groom back and add long-term relationships, then add boyfriend, and maybe have parents step out and get one of sibs plus partners with and without boyfriend.  Getting with and without adds under a minute per group.  Or boyfriend and daughter may not want to include him, so just put him in one 'all attendees' shot.  There aren't that many combos with a small group.  Or you could start with everybody, and then pull people out so that you end with just the bride and groom.  We did this because we had little kids in the wedding and needed to get them finished and off to the food.  One of my parents has 4 siblings, and for years at every event they'd get a pic of just the adult sibs and their parents, and then one with spouses.  

[Kassia]

@Clemsondana I don't expect the photos to take long, but it's a beautiful venue with gardens and indoor/outdoor area so I think some of the time will be going to different locations for shots.  But, yes, fewer people and  a short ceremony definitely helps!  

[Faith-manor]

At my niece's recent wedding, the photographer announced, "We will now be taking photos of family only. Please check with me if you are unsure if you should join." She had a list of folks the bride and groom had asked to be photographed with them.

Since I have not been personally enclose with Mark's nieces and nephews (they live 13 hours away, and due to schedules as our families grew up, it didn't work out for the in-laws and cousins to be in each other's orbit more than for a few hours every three or four years), I didn't approach the photographer to even ask. I was chatting with the plus one of a distant relative at the time, and didn't think I would be included. So we just kept chatting. Mark was talking with his brother so of course they skittered off for photos. Later, Mark said niece asked where I was because she had expected me to be in the photo. Oops!

I think the bride and groom could submit a list of pics/poses they want with a list of names of who should be in each photo to whomever is the designated photographer, and then just have that person call out names for each pose. This way if the bride isn't interested in having sister's plus 1 in the pic, it is handled in a more professional manner. If the bride was worried about offending her sis, she could ask for just one photo of her and hubby with sis and boyfriend, then either not buy/print that shot if she is uninterested or send one to her sister, and not give one to everyone else. Then if it turns out boyfriend joins the family in the future, there would be a photo of him at the wedding that could be framed and hung up so he feels included.

[teachermom2834]

I was going to suggest getting a photo of boyfriend and dd with the bride and groom. It includes him, there is a photo from the day, but nothing is ruined and you avoid an awkward “welcome to the family” moment with someone you just met. And it won’t take forever to set up because it is just the four of them vs. a big family shot doing with and without.

[Kassia]

@teachermom2834I really like that idea.  Thanks.  🙂