Are we unreasonable?

[teachermom2834]

I think it is a nice idea. But I do think it is a huge idea to come up with without consulting everyone prior and saying “hey this is what I am thinking, what do you all think?”. Now, I do get that that will invite all kinds of opinions and drama and such that one wants to avoid but it just sounds like a dictate that siblings are likely to bristle at. If there is any kind of sibling rivalry, dysfunctional relationships, loaded history such a plan is likely to be met, by at least one sibling, with an eyeroll and “bossy brother says we are all going to Boston and no spouses allowed. Yes sir whatever you say.” Well…that might be how I would react.

It’s just too big of a plan to make without consulting everyone. But consulting everyone can be a mess. Families are complicated. 

[Spryte]

Just a thought: when my extended family gathers at our historical family home for events, my aunt arranges a hotel where we can all book our individual rooms. She also sends ideas for alternate hotels nearby. We all eat together and see each other often, but stay separately.

Would something like that work, or does it need to be an Airbnb? 

[fairfarmhand]

2 hours ago, Calizzy said:

It has been FIL's dream to go to a Red Sox game for 20 years. They were in Boston in 2004 when they won the World Series after the 86 year curse but couldn't get tickets. So it's not really a "what should we do for dad's bday" situation. It was a "this is what I am doing and I'm opening the invitation if you want to come with us." 

Dh's clarified with his siblings that he IS doing this with dad for his birthday. You are welcome to plan a different party on your own if this is not what you want to do. If you don't want to come without your spouse- that is fine, no hard feelings. His brother has responded "You're giving us an ultimatum- just like mom always does."

"Dear brother. I am sorry that you are feeling upset about this whole thing. I was simply trying to create a small intimate treat for our dad. I was not trying to exclude anyone, i just know that with the five of us kids, adding in spouses and possibly kids could turn this small trip into something more than I was intending. I apologize for hurting anyone's feelings. Let's just forget about the whole thing and if you all want to collaborate on a family-wide event for dad's birthday, I am glad to participate."

I would not address anything about the passive aggressive "ultimatum" comment.  

On a family wide group text I would say "It's clear that this event isn't going to work out the way that I intended it. So sorry for any hurt feelings. Forget that I said anything."

Edited October 30, 2023 by fairfarmhand

[Bootsie]

3 hours ago, Calizzy said:

It has been FIL's dream to go to a Red Sox game for 20 years. They were in Boston in 2004 when they won the World Series after the 86 year curse but couldn't get tickets. So it's not really a "what should we do for dad's bday" situation. It was a "this is what I am doing and I'm opening the invitation if you want to come with us." 

Dh's clarified with his siblings that he IS doing this with dad for his birthday. You are welcome to plan a different party on your own if this is not what you want to do. If you don't want to come without your spouse- that is fine, no hard feelings. His brother has responded "You're giving us an ultimatum- just like mom always does."

If I were a sibling, I am not sure I would understand what he is saying.  "You are welcome to plan a different party on your own..." would annoy me.  I would think it isn't his place to tell me I am welcome to do something for my dad.  And the wording "different party" makes it seem like the BB game outing is a "party" not something that is just a gift between father and son.  And the "on your own"..  does that mean he will not participate in a party for dad if that is what the majority of siblings want to do?  And, then to be told that there would be no hard feelings if the siblings did not participate in the plan would leave me with a "what?  Of course there should be no hard feelings on your part if I don't agree to do what you want to do.  That isn't a kind, generous offer for you.." 

I would expect more of a "I understand that this may not work for your families... It is something important for me to do with dad... If you would like to participate, too, you are welcome... If you are interested in planning a family-wide celebration for dad's birthday, I will participate in that..."

[wintermom]

Perhaps I'm confused. Is the "dream ball game" only available on the fil's birthday? I don't quite understand the link between birthday and ball game. Surely if this dream has been 20 years in the making, then a little more time and collaboration could be made in the planning of this so that it doesn't end up being a potential family war.

[fairfarmhand]

Are these interactions taking place through text or email? If so, other than group texts apologizing, I would stop that right now. It is SO EASY to misread tone and misunderstand others through text and email, and people are more likely to say things in those formats that they wouldn't in person or on the phone, so a phone call would probably be more effective in ironing all of this out.  

 

"You are welcome to plan a different party on your own..." 

This could be construed as a neutral statement or a condescending one. And since it seems that the rest of the family already has their back up, it might be tricky to craft the perfect text or email to straighten it out. When people are already upset, they may read things into messages that are not intended. 

[Laura Corin]

@Calizzy does DH feel that, as eldest sibling, he he is responsible for organising things? Is there a reason that should continue? How do the sibs feel about that?

[annandatje]

Husband should rescind invitations and briefly explain why.  Expect some to be annoyed and some to take it in stride.  Husband should then take his dad on trip alone.  Your husband was trying to do something nice but details got out of hand.

[Calizzy]

12 minutes ago, annandatje said:

Husband should rescind invitations and briefly explain why.  Expect some to be annoyed and some to take it in stride.  Husband should then take his dad on trip alone.  Your husband was trying to do something nice but details got out of hand.

Yes, I think this is right. 

DH was not trying to plan a party. He does not feel responsible for a party. Without us planning, I am sure a party would not happen. No one has ever planned a party for any milestones in his family. I don't think he took over party planning from the others. And he is genuinely fine with them not coming. He knows there is a big expense and does not expect anyone to pay to come. He would like to start over again and just take his dad and say nothing to the others. And I am sure they will do nothing for his birthday. 

[Junie]

Honestly, as an in-law, I would be hurt at being excluded from this.  Since this is a dream baseball game (Fenway Park!!) the opportunity should be available for any of the family who want to come and pay their own way.  A more private dinner with just the father and siblings would be appropriate while everyone is in town together.

I think I would be grateful that the in-laws want to come.

[Grace Hopper]

Looking now I can see why many consider my late-night-proposed examples don’t exactly fit. However, I do  still feel it was a vision of one person that perhaps got hijacked. If there’s something to be done as a birthday celebration, have a party at home that all can go to. Make the baseball trip a gift that siblings can join if they wish. I would not begrudge my parent special time with just their offspring, as long as it’s not an every time occurrence. Heck, I’d likely be the one to wrangle up the out-law spouses for an adventure of our own while my dh traveled!
 

I remember when my dad, as a senior citizen, went with a friend to Europe to visit WW2 sites. My mom did not go. Dad and his friend had shared memories of battle action and lost friends that my mother neither shared nor wished to intrude upon the memory of. This is another not-quite-the-same example, but my point is that dynamics of the experience change with the group composition. The larger the group, the harder it is for anyone to have actual quality conversation. I understand 
why OP’s dh would want just “the kids.”

And of course, we are all free to disagree! 

 

[2squared]

Ironically, I just had a similar conversation with my husband this morning. My mom is turning 70 next year, and I think we should celebrate/acknowledge the milestone in some way. At first, I thought about all of us visiting her since she loves having the grandkids together, but the logistics of getting our schedules to lineup is nearly impossible. My second idea was for my brother and I to do something with just the three of us (mom, brother, me). Dh thought that was a great idea, and he suggested the three of us go on a trip somewhere. 

Now  that I have young adults, my biggest wish in The world is just to spend time with them. I love all the significant others, but the dynamics aren’t the same with the significant others. 

I encourage dh to visit his parents without me as well. I think retaining the close parent-child relationship is important, and including in-laws just isn’t the same. 

So, my opinion is that the trip with dh and siblings was a great idea. If some people have the belief that they can’t go somewhere without their spouse and kids, then they should opt out. 

ETA: I also agree with OP’s dh that including spouses and kids completely change the experience from small and intimate to big and bulky. Any activities with large groups have a very different dynamic than small groups  if this is a lifetime dream for FIL, I would think he would prefer the small, intimate experience where he can make all the decisions from where to park to what to eat. No voting or compromising for the group. 

Edited October 30, 2023 by 2squared

[Arcadia]

3 hours ago, Calizzy said:

DH was not trying to plan a party. He does not feel responsible for a party. Without us planning, I am sure a party would not happen.

The original invite does come across as your husband is planning a party for his dad, especially with the airbnb and spouse not invited aspect. Its the wording. As the oldest child, I do have to be careful how I phrase things to not come across as my way or the highway.

51 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

If there’s something to be done as a birthday celebration, have a party at home that all can go to. Make the baseball trip a gift that siblings can join if they wish. I would not begrudge my parent special time with just their offspring, as long as it’s not an every time occurrence. Heck, I’d likely be the one to wrangle up the out-law spouses for an adventure of our own while my dh traveled!

Its tricky in OP’s case because the siblings would have to travel to the AirBnB for the getaway and each family probably have their own budgeting issues. For example, when my in-laws wanted to do a west coast tour with us paying, we ended up using two years worth of family vacation budget to pay for their tour. We were originally going to do a short road trip that year but had to cancel that plan. My husband didn’t fly back for his dad’s 80th birthday because of cost of airfare, he just wire his share of the cost for birthday lunch and presents. 

[Clarita]

16 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

think “siblings only for the game” would be the most unreasonable request of all. There are a gazillion people in the stadium but we’re gonna specifically exclude these three relatives? That feels way more petty than limiting the number of bodies in an air bnb.

Well I was thinking it's Fenway Park so I think those games sell out. So tickets all together for a big group on a budget may be hard to get. Then I was thinking if they want to bring spouses the Air BnB is out and everyone figures out their living situation. The siblings and dad get together and do the Fenway experience. The spouses and kids still get a vacation to Boston and if my family were going Fenway Park on a different day. 

[Janeway]

I do not think he should have asked that no spouses be allowed in the first place. This is going to be tough to cancel if people have already paid. He could either cancel completely and then come up with something different, or get his siblings to just take FIL.  IF he really wanted to do a trip that excluded spouses, he should have put feelers out there. But, on my side of the family, when someone marries, we do not say "this one is really family and that one is just an inlaw." Everyone is family. Not inviting the spouses is much like inviting the kids from the first marriage but not the step kids because they are "not really family." I am assuming that was not his intent, but that is how it comes off. He might just need to suck it up and go with the spouses, that is a third option.

[Ting Tang]

Many partnered people do not want to travel apart. I think the trip sounds better if it’s just your husband and his dad. This sounds like a dynamic in my husband’s family, and it hasn’t been fun for us in laws. But it plays out every year by going on their beloved trip to the same place… not great for our marriages. So I’d probably let this one go. 

[Grace Hopper]

2 hours ago, Ting Tang said:

Many partnered people do not want to travel apart. I think the trip sounds better if it’s just your husband and his dad. This sounds like a dynamic in my husband’s family, and it hasn’t been fun for us in laws. But it plays out every year by going on their beloved trip to the same place… not great for our marriages. So I’d probably let this one go. 

Gosh having an annual vacation with just the kids/no souses is not at all what I’d advocate for! It shouldn’t be regular practice to plan annual vacations without spouses like that, that definitely seems unfair. 

[katilac]

On 10/29/2023 at 9:24 PM, Calizzy said:

FIL is turning 70 in April. Dh is from a family with 5 kids- 2 are in the midwest, 3 are in Idaho. FIL is in midwest. Dh is the oldest and wanted to take his father to a Boston Redsox baseball game for a birthday weekend getaway. He invited his siblings but asked for it to be siblings only- no spouses. That way they can rent an Airbnb and all spend the weekend together. The siblings are all pushing back that they want to bring spouses. It's a long flight from Idaho and to get their $ worth they want to make it a vacation. Dh said, "That's the point. It's not a vacation for you and your spouse, it's about dad." 

1st question- would you find it unreasonable to be asked not to bring your spouse?

2nd question- if that is what they want to do, dh wants to not be involved and just take the trip alone with his dad. The whole thing was his idea. How does he get out of this?

Yes, in many cases, I would find it unreasonable to be asked to not bring my spouse. 

When my kids were actually kids, a getaway of that type for one person would have equaled the budget for a family vacation for all four of us, and it would have taken up some of dh's limited time off. We did not vacation separately, we did family vacations. It would have been a no for us at that time. 

If any of the spouses are daughters-in-law, that may have added fuel to the fire, because they are often taking more responsibility than the sons are for keeping in touch and so forth. That was true for me; I was the one buying birthdays cards and handing them to dh to sign, I was the one making sure they had recent pictures of the kids, I was the one buying Christmas gifts, so yeah, "special celebration with no in-laws" would have offended me.

I was also the person who planned and organized all of our vacations and events, so, had we agreed to it for some reason, I would have laughed and thought, good luck in getting dh to actually make this happen! He probably would have woken up on the day he was supposed to leave and realized he didn't have a plane ticket 😂

14 hours ago, Calizzy said:

It has been FIL's dream to go to a Red Sox game for 20 years. They were in Boston in 2004 when they won the World Series after the 86 year curse but couldn't get tickets. So it's not really a "what should we do for dad's bday" situation. It was a "this is what I am doing and I'm opening the invitation if you want to come with us." 

Dh's clarified with his siblings that he IS doing this with dad for his birthday. You are welcome to plan a different party on your own if this is not what you want to do. If you don't want to come without your spouse- that is fine, no hard feelings. His brother has responded "You're giving us an ultimatum- just like mom always does."

I think it might have gone more smoothly if he had said that to begin with, but the spouse thing would still be tricky. And, gently, that does sound very much like an ultimatum to me. 

I'm sure he had the best of intentions going in, but a lot of the wording was lacking in diplomacy. 

11 hours ago, Spryte said:

Going on the assumption that everyone is paying their own way, and the invite is a “come join us if you can” type invite:

I’m going to be one of the lone unreasonable people and say — my family would not be represented at a major event where one of us is not welcome. My skipping the game itself would be NBD, if FIL’s dream was to attend with only his kids, but a trip, etc — no. 

Right, I think the issue is that it wasn't presented that way, plus it wasn't really a "come join us if you can" invite to begin with. It was "come join us if you can, but only under these very specific conditions."

I also think "come join us if you can" is not necessarily the way to go - if the point is to have siblings only, then all of the siblings need to have a say in how that happens.  

9 hours ago, Junie said:

 A more private dinner with just the father and siblings would be appropriate while everyone is in town together.

This seems like a very obvious compromise, and a bigger group would be easier in a lot of ways. I love my brother and I love my dad, but several days of just me and my dad and my siblings staying in the same place and doing All the Things Together would be . . . too much, lol. 

Minimizing people wandering off was part of the original game plan, and that would drive me bananas. I can only people for so long at a time, and everyone is happier when I take breaks and wander off. 

6 hours ago, 2squared said:

Ironically, I just had a similar conversation with my husband this morning. My mom is turning 70 next year, and I think we should celebrate/acknowledge the milestone in some way. At first, I thought about all of us visiting her since she loves having the grandkids together, but the logistics of getting our schedules to lineup is nearly impossible. My second idea was for my brother and I to do something with just the three of us (mom, brother, me). Dh thought that was a great idea, and he suggested the three of us go on a trip somewhere. 

Now  that I have young adults, my biggest wish in The world is just to spend time with them. I love all the significant others, but the dynamics aren’t the same with the significant others. 

I encourage dh to visit his parents without me as well. I think retaining the close parent-child relationship is important, and including in-laws just isn’t the same. 

So, my opinion is that the trip with dh and siblings was a great idea. If some people have the belief that they can’t go somewhere without their spouse and kids, then they should opt out. 

ETA: I also agree with OP’s dh that including spouses and kids completely change the experience from small and intimate to big and bulky. Any activities with large groups have a very different dynamic than small groups  if this is a lifetime dream for FIL, I would think he would prefer the small, intimate experience where he can make all the decisions from where to park to what to eat. No voting or compromising for the group. 

I think you are speaking from one place in life (your kids are young adults) while it sounds like some of the siblings are at another stage in life (kids and family vacations). And I think If some people have the belief that they can’t go somewhere without their spouse and kids, then they should opt out is a bit dismissive of the time and money constraints many families are under, constraints that make one-person vacays a very difficult choice. 

This would be something I could accept more easily at my current stage of life. We have more money, so that is one practical problem solved; dh going on one such trip would not prevent us from doing something else that year. I'd probably still be a bit insulted on some level, particularly if it was "the" birthday celebration, but I am now old and tired and would likely just wave my hand in a weary whatever fashion. 

I'd find it a little weird for the celebrant to make all the decisions on a multi-day trip. 

[katilac]

13 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Gosh having an annual vacation with just the kids/no souses is not at all what I’d advocate for! It shouldn’t be regular practice to plan annual vacations without spouses like that, that definitely seems unfair. 

Honestly, I would not have been willing to give up even one family vacation when my kids were growing up, because I know the time for family vacations flies by in an instant. And that would have been the result if dh spent that kind of money on a vacation for just him; it would have displaced something else. 

[Grace Hopper]

24 minutes ago, katilac said:

Honestly, I would not have been willing to give up even one family vacation when my kids were growing up, because I know the time for family vacations flies by in an instant. And that would have been the result if dh spent that kind of money on a vacation for just him; it would have displaced something else. 

I get it. I’m sure it varies by family, and seasons of life. 

[Faith-manor]

7 hours ago, katilac said:

Honestly, I would not have been willing to give up even one family vacation when my kids were growing up, because I know the time for family vacations flies by in an instant. And that would have been the result if dh spent that kind of money on a vacation for just him; it would have displaced something else. 

Same. We bowed out of numerous family events at Mark's parents' home because it required so much money to make the 2800 mile round trip and would have meant that year after year, that was the only "vacation" there was. His parents' marriage was bad so we are not talking about a happy time there. His sister, who lived only an hour away plus his dad who always felt very entitled, were so unhappy with us. We went every third Christmas for a few days. That was it. In those other years, we used our money to go camping and fishing with the kids, to take them to historical places, to see new landscapes. If his sister had announced, "I am taking mom and dad to Bahamas for their 40th anniversary. You can come but you can't bring your family", Mark would have just said " Have fun, I am not spending my entire vacation fund on just myself, and at our income level, we don't give gifts worth thousands of dollars." 

To be honest, I think it is great that OP's husband wants to gift his dad the experience. But it is a very, very pricey experience. He should never have even brought it up with his siblings. It is tantamount to flaunting money. "Hey, I can afford to do this for dads and you should afford it too, just don't bring your wife or kids." That is not very nice and I can see how it came across. It should have been, "Hey dad, I want to do this for the two of us. Let's look at the calendar and work out a good time to make this trip." Then let the chips fall where they may in terms of what the siblings each wanted to do to honor his birthday, and gift what they felt was reasonable.

[Calizzy]

1 hour ago, Faith-manor said:

Same. We bowed out of numerous family events at Mark's parents' home because it required so much money to make the 2800 mile round trip and would have meant that year after year, that was the only "vacation" there was. His parents' marriage was bad so we are not talking about a happy time there. His sister, who lived only an hour away plus his dad who always felt very entitled, were so unhappy with us. We went every third Christmas for a few days. That was it. In those other years, we used our money to go camping and fishing with the kids, to take them to historical places, to see new landscapes. If his sister had announced, "I am taking mom and dad to Bahamas for their 40th anniversary. You can come but you can't bring your family", Mark would have just said " Have fun, I am not spending my entire vacation fund on just myself, and at our income level, we don't give gifts worth thousands of dollars." 

To be honest, I think it is great that OP's husband wants to gift his dad the experience. But it is a very, very pricey experience. He should never have even brought it up with his siblings. It is tantamount to flaunting money. "Hey, I can afford to do this for dads and you should afford it too, just don't bring your wife or kids." That is not very nice and I can see how it came across. It should have been, "Hey dad, I want to do this for the two of us. Let's look at the calendar and work out a good time to make this trip." Then let the chips fall where they may in terms of what the siblings each wanted to do to honor his birthday, and gift what they felt was reasonable.

Hind sight, this is what he would have done. That being said, I can see that going wrong also. "How dare you plan a trip with dad and monopolize all his time!" "How selfish that you didn't invite us!" "You think you're the only one who wants to go with dad to Fenway?" I've come to see it is a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. And the one that suffers is FIL because next time Dh just won't do anything. 

Edited October 31, 2023 by Calizzy

[fairfarmhand]

13 minutes ago, Calizzy said:

Hind sight, this is what he would have done. That being said, I can see that going wrong also. "How dare you plan a trip with dad and monopolize all his time!" "How selfish that you didn't invite us!" "You think you're the only one who wants to go with dad to Fenway?" I've come to see it is a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. And the one that suffers is FIL because next time Dh just won't do anything. 

And in some families, that's just how it is. You can't win.

[Faith-manor]

53 minutes ago, Calizzy said:

Hind sight, this is what he would have done. That being said, I can see that going wrong also. "How dare you plan a trip with dad and monopolize all his time!" "How selfish that you didn't invite us!" "You think you're the only one who wants to go with dad to Fenway?" I've come to see it is a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. And the one that suffers is FIL because next time Dh just won't do anything. 

I am sorry. This is very unfortunate. Some families are like this. My sister in law is one such person, and so since she would be mad about anything we did for mother in law that wasn't here original thought, and that she was not the driving force behind, we just ignore her and do it anyway without I forming her of our plans at all. I do the same with my brother because he married a very bad person. It is fought or sure, but sometimes you just do what you know to be right for the other person, and just straight on ignore the rest of them, and do not attempt to include them.

It gets exhausting when people are like this. I get it!

[SKL]

As a single mom, I really never went anywhere without my kids except for a few rare, very short work trips. 

I wouldn't be mad if someone invited me to a kid-free event.  I'd just say "bummer, we can't make it" and do my own thing.

When I invited my siblings, I'd say "we [my kids and I] are going to ___ on ___ dates.  Would you like to come?"  They either could or couldn't.  Either was fine.

My folks don't travel, so I don't think I've ever been involved in a fuss about my folks' birthday plans.  I do have some siblings who are wired to get offended too easily.  I usually just say "it's up to you / you can opt out" if they don't like someone else's idea.

I think we all take turns being the black sheep in my family.  I can't lose sleep over it.

[2squared]

13 hours ago, katilac said:

Yes, in many cases, I would find it unreasonable to be asked to not bring my spouse. 

When my kids were actually kids, a getaway of that type for one person would have equaled the budget for a family vacation for all four of us, and it would have taken up some of dh's limited time off. We did not vacation separately, we did family vacations. It would have been a no for us at that time. 

If any of the spouses are daughters-in-law, that may have added fuel to the fire, because they are often taking more responsibility than the sons are for keeping in touch and so forth. That was true for me; I was the one buying birthdays cards and handing them to dh to sign, I was the one making sure they had recent pictures of the kids, I was the one buying Christmas gifts, so yeah, "special celebration with no in-laws" would have offended me.

I was also the person who planned and organized all of our vacations and events, so, had we agreed to it for some reason, I would have laughed and thought, good luck in getting dh to actually make this happen! He probably would have woken up on the day he was supposed to leave and realized he didn't have a plane ticket 😂

I think it might have gone more smoothly if he had said that to begin with, but the spouse thing would still be tricky. And, gently, that does sound very much like an ultimatum to me. 

I'm sure he had the best of intentions going in, but a lot of the wording was lacking in diplomacy. 

Right, I think the issue is that it wasn't presented that way, plus it wasn't really a "come join us if you can" invite to begin with. It was "come join us if you can, but only under these very specific conditions."

I also think "come join us if you can" is not necessarily the way to go - if the point is to have siblings only, then all of the siblings need to have a say in how that happens.  

This seems like a very obvious compromise, and a bigger group would be easier in a lot of ways. I love my brother and I love my dad, but several days of just me and my dad and my siblings staying in the same place and doing All the Things Together would be . . . too much, lol. 

Minimizing people wandering off was part of the original game plan, and that would drive me bananas. I can only people for so long at a time, and everyone is happier when I take breaks and wander off. 

I think you are speaking from one place in life (your kids are young adults) while it sounds like some of the siblings are at another stage in life (kids and family vacations). And I think If some people have the belief that they can’t go somewhere without their spouse and kids, then they should opt out is a bit dismissive of the time and money constraints many families are under, constraints that make one-person vacays a very difficult choice. 

This would be something I could accept more easily at my current stage of life. We have more money, so that is one practical problem solved; dh going on one such trip would not prevent us from doing something else that year. I'd probably still be a bit insulted on some level, particularly if it was "the" birthday celebration, but I am now old and tired and would likely just wave my hand in a weary whatever fashion. 

I'd find it a little weird for the celebrant to make all the decisions on a multi-day trip. 

I do have two (barely) young adults, but I have younger kids too. We very much have family vacations, but we also travel individually and in groups. I’m married, but that doesn’t mean I can only travel with my entire family or that entire family traveling even makes sense in many circumstances. 

I also wouldn’t view this as a vacation. This is a son giving his 70yo parent a special gift. I think he was trying to make the gift more special by including his siblings. 

I have five kids, dh has 8 siblings. It’s just so difficult having siblings + spouses + kids vs just siblings. The two experiences are nowhere the same. 

[Bambam]

Because this is for FIL, I'd be tempted to encourage your DH to apologize to siblings and just take his dad to the game on his own.

But, because this is a significant age, I also might be tempted to say, hey, we are planning to take Dad to Fancy Restaurant/CiCi's Pizza/Chick-fil-A/his favorite restaurant on specific date/time for his birthday. I think it would be great if you all could come! Please let me know how many will be coming so we can reserve a table. (Note this assumes that Dad can hear okay. Sometimes older adults have trouble in crowded restaurants)

And, yes, sometimes you cannot win no matter what you do, but the second plan, low-key party at someplace else, seems easier. And it leaves the arrangements of their trip totally up to them. Come by self, come with family, stay all week/weekend/one day/whatever. But there is an official event to mark his birthday - even if it isn't on his actual birthday. 

[KungFuPanda]

Does FIL know about this? Can Dh just ask him what he wants? My mother is five years older and she’s neither frail nor addled. She would have a clear opinion on this and advice for Joe to handle her kids. 

[Ting Tang]

On 10/30/2023 at 10:53 PM, Grace Hopper said:

Gosh having an annual vacation with just the kids/no souses is not at all what I’d advocate for! It shouldn’t be regular practice to plan annual vacations without spouses like that, that definitely seems unfair. 

Well, we HAVE to go on THEIR trip that they've been going on since they were kids, so it is a little bit different.  But when in-laws start making plans that affect entire families, it gets messy.  A lot of people also have only so much time off or money for travel.  I would definitely be upset if my in-laws were planning a trip without me, too.  But I won't be shocked when it happens to me, too, lol.

[pinball]

On 10/29/2023 at 10:24 PM, Calizzy said:

FIL is turning 70 in April. Dh is from a family with 5 kids- 2 are in the midwest, 3 are in Idaho. FIL is in midwest. Dh is the oldest and wanted to take his father to a Boston Redsox baseball game for a birthday weekend getaway. He invited his siblings but asked for it to be siblings only- no spouses. That way they can rent an Airbnb and all spend the weekend together. The siblings are all pushing back that they want to bring spouses. It's a long flight from Idaho and to get their $ worth they want to make it a vacation. Dh said, "That's the point. It's not a vacation for you and your spouse, it's about dad." 

1st question- would you find it unreasonable to be asked not to bring your spouse?

2nd question- if that is what they want to do, dh wants to not be involved and just take the trip alone with his dad. The whole thing was his idea. How does he get out of this?

Are you familiar with the area and getting tickets to Fenway? 
 

It’s very small ballpark and depending on how the Sox are playing and when you are going, it might be difficult to get tix.